disfrutarconleo

[disfrutarconleo]

took my medicine this morning for the first time in the while. feeling pretty jittery but I also think it just has to do with feeling restless about my work situation and my living situation and just...god I do not want to be here in the office rn.

I feel like I want to sleep. is that what I do to self regulate? was I just out too late on a "work night" and I didn't get enough sleep? I don't knowww

[disfrutarconleo]

I feel so fucked up about sunday, and it's Tuesday. I wish I could let it go. im trying. im fucking trying. I feel like every time something goes wrong I start to view things in a different way. this whole time I thought ch wanted to be friends again, they sent me all that stuff online, we joked about stuff, I thought we really would go see a movie together, etc...but the whole time they were getting ready to block me? they probably thought I was being annoying or something? why couldn't they just communicate that to me? is there something that im doing wrong? god see this is when and why I start spiraling. I want to know answers, I need to know. and if I was still drinking of fucked up I'd probably do something stupid and show up or something. try to talk to them or force them to give me answers. but I don't do that anymore. so now I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

listening to Katie Morton and she just said "hustling for my worth" and my god does that hit/sounds familiar. wanting to prove that I'm important enough to give a fuck about. and that's probably a real reason why I want to die a lot. because I don't feel important. and why when I feel like ch is ignoring me, when I feel like our shared past didn't mean shit to her...it makes me feel stupid and it makes me want to die. but then im like ok but she's literally just one fucking person?? like who gives an actual fuck? and then I get mad at myself for being such a lame fuck.

god I'm feeling really sorry for myself right now. I don;t want to be at work anymore, im ready to go home for the day not just for lunch. I don't want to work at this job anymore, I don't feel satisfied. maybe I can switch to part time? I don't know what I need to do. maybe I can brainstorm with my therapist to decide? but I know that;s not their job to tell me what the fuck I need to do. ok ok.

I'm feeling a bit dis regulated. I hate where I am, I don't like being so responsible and I don't like feeling like I am stuck.

[disfrutarconleo]

to me. it feels like everything went sideways again. I feel unprepared, or I guess felt unprepared to deal with the embarrassment, the nerves, the panic attack (guessing that's most likely what happened in the car and at jjs last night). and then on the way home...I just have so many thoughts and I got overwhelmed and I was tired and exhausted from the weekend probably.

I don't really know. anythign> In the moment I just wanted to talk to someone about what was going on. instantly thought of Logan. or Mel or olive or just...someone. but I realized I can't keep relying on other people for my emotional regulation. funny/sad that I wanted it to be ch too. maybe in another timeline. god I a m so tired. I wanna keep crying in bed. finally when I get off I can though. sometimes I wish I could text my therapist like last night when I was really going through it. but all I had was myself. and maybe that's the fucking moral of the story here, that its always just been me alone and I don't need anyone else and I can't trust anyone else. god. I feel like im slipping and I need something to anchor me. I need to take my meds again. get back on track

im exhausted. need to sleep and sleep. should I go home and nap or should I just stay here in my car? its kind of cold outside and I bet it will be freezing in there. . I hate myself. I fucking want to die and I love being honest when I feel that way. can something happen to me pleasE? can some event just take place like I Win money or find money or something, please. I just need a change. I'm going to start at the restaurant soon, like next week with training probably.

[disfrutarconleo]

alright im back at the computer. also using the journal app on my phone but for some reason I just enjoy typing a lot more. anyways. had some crazy dreams last night, some a nightmares where I woke up still in a dream, thought I saw Logan at this pool/beach, Phillip S Hoffman? fucking wild, and now I keep dreaming that I can't stand up or walk straight in my dreams which is fucking annoying. I think I really need to do something about my food and my eating. today I need to do laundry and start packing for the trip. also catch up on dishes. and hopefully make a good dinner. ughhh why are things so complicated?

I really am having trouble eating and it's kind of a problem that I need to fix. maybe I need to make some more juices or just move into a new place where I can be myself? I don't know and I'm not sure. I need to get some help, I miss my old apartment so much and I with I didn't make such rash decisions. not that it was super rash, because I was running low on money, I just needed to get away and I tend to run away and hide when I do bad things or fucked up shit god......idk what to do I feel crazy.

just went to go smoke a cig and I feel better aka a little head rush of nicotine. I need to stop smoking. I can't stop thinking about Logan. I really...I need to share more about that with my therapist. I feel sad, or I guess ready to be sad about this. because of my dream, I was looking for her and I thought I saw her or her sister and I just wanted one glimpse, one chance to maybe talk to her. I haven't been sleeping well. I think I have some FEELS about going to Nola/back to Louisiana after it's been so long. I want my friends to know, but I don't want to cry. maybe if I text jj? I don't wanna bother them at work though. maybe I just wait until I get to do therapy on thurs. wow that feels so far away. ok I am really ready to go on my lunch break!

back from lunch, that was good. I got gas which I needed to do and got to sit down and chill. I really need to be taking a nap when I get home but I offered to go hang w anaiah for a while once I get off work. I do think I need to be around someone for a minute so I don't just go home and crash. it can't be healthy.

speaking of healthy I really love that short has such a great poly relationship. I feel like I can learn from them for sure. not that im even ready for ANY of that shit. maybe ever? I don't know what I want. or maybe I do and im just scared. ok ok practice saying what you want.

I want to be loved. I want to have at least one person that is with me for life, and then other lovers if I so choose. and be in a place where my partner is committed to me, but may have other lovers as well. but I want a Person. solid. I want to feel safe.

what happens when you memorialize people like they're dead, even when they're living? what if you treat them like they're no longer here? I'm approaching the whole situation with ch like that. I think it might make things more intense if I do run into them though? like, what if I spook myself? again, I think this is something I can talk to my friends about and get advice.

ok wait how can I feel safe with someone else if sometimes I don't feel safe with myself? does it come down to emotional regulation? like I do not know what to do with myself when I get super emotionally triggered. upset or jealous is my big one, but then when I feel abandoned it swings out of control too. Maybe it's good im not in a relationship so I can't be triggered by anyone else's behavior.

[disfrutarconleo]

back on my bullshit aka back at work after being snowed in for days. I was getting so restless I had to leave the house. I think I'm one of only 2 people in the office today. I don't know why I decided to come in when I c Ould have been cozy in bed. I think im just getting super tired of living there, even though it's been very helpful as far as saving money and paying off my debts goes. I've still got almost 1k and I could use it to pay off sprint so I stop going to collections over this shit. it's only like $250 but that's a lot of money and I'm worried about not being able to move or something. I get restless.

I hope you're doing okay. I wonder about the dog. I wish we were back at the apartment together. cooking dinner and making dessert and watching dumb tv and watching you try on clothes.

dumb. all because I saw a painting of you. powerful Robert though lmao. fuck that shit. you were awful to me, I was awful to you. I hope everything is going well with you though. even if we're never going to be friends or speak again. wow I really fucked up in Memphis and I hope I leave and never come back.

I guess my therapist was saying in need to be honest with myself and admit that I do want to be in a relationship, even though I know right now isn't a good time.. I dream about it a lot. I want to be happy being alone.

I wonder how Harv is doing, I wonder about angelli, I wonder about all the plants in the sunroom at k's house. I think about all the moments in my life that have been important in the mundane because of other people and I get sad. where are the moments ive only shared with me?

I want to remember I want to remember.

sitting at the beach on the stairs with my legs in the water, deciding I needed to go to therapy. walking up the steps of the old church, when I moved to Austin and had no one to talk to. I

this pattern repeating and repeating, of happiness and lonlieness over and over. this time I want to find them both, together, and be okay. I keep crying and getting sad and then happy and then sad again. am I fucking about to start my period ? is it because I take my meds in the morning now instead of at night?? who knows.

daydreaming about winning the lottery again. its been a while since ive done this. but it makes me happy, to feel like I have control and power and that I can pursue my dreams. what are my dreams?

I want to go cook for the best Mexican chefs really. at the end of the day. but that means I need to buy some sort of camper situation.

idk what I want to do. I want to sleep and sleep. I want to leave here and not come back. I want someone to sit me down and tell me "this is what you're doing now.. we have made a decision for you and here is where you're going to go. going to do" but no one is going to do that for me. I have to sit myself down and really decide what I need to do here.

maybe I need to find out about all my debts. I have the sprint. whatever is in collections from the Austin place. my old apartment. I really think that's it.

ok im going home on my lunch break because this weather is ridiculous and I wanna be cozy warm in bed, and not here at work where I can't even lay down!! I wanna be horizontal and cry a bit.

haha im so funny. anyways. gonna leave work here at lunch did I already say that? I don't know. I keep coming back to this after taking a break for a while.

[disfrutarconleo]

its my third day working form home / so tired of this damn snow, especially since all the homies are enjoying it from midtown and im stuck the fukc out here. im starting to feel like myself again, which is a weird feeling. I really miss ch and im still trying to get over it. last night I cried myself to sleep but then I had really awesome dreams about having a queer community and going to New York and staying in this weird hotel that looked like it was on bourbon st in Nola. speaking of which were going next weekend im so stoked.

you ever just be laughing and then you start tearing up a lil because you can't remember laughing in a while and then you think about the time your ex said you were funny and you made them laugh and they made you laugh and now you just laugh at tiktoks because that shit just happened to me.

im hoping the roads are fine to drive on tonight just because I got invited to go hang in midtown. I'll make the drive and just see how things go.

kinda nervous about therapy later, just because ive already been a little sad and if I keep being sad then something might come out during therapy that I don't really want to happen! I have these dreams where I hear something, like someone knocking at the door or someone coming inside the house, that I know rents really but also take me a little bit to figure out once I do wake up.

therapy wasn't as long as normal, I didn't feel like there was much to talk about and we couldn't do emdr so we just chatted about my nightmares and stuff. im so glad I am able to go to therapy. I can tell its helping.

[disfrutarconleo]

I couldn't log into my old account, so I made this one.

I needed someplace to put all these, when I go to work and get bored so I just freeform write things.

Ok new day, I had some crazy nightmares last night (thanks emdr) and I totally forgot to feed the cat so I gotta run home on my break and feed him. I feel so bad ahhhhh. Hopefully he will be okay until 2. And then gotta change the cat litter for have and clean up her mess. What a goon. I hope she doesn’t always do that. Made some solid weekend plans which feels good. getting some food w meg and then maybe hanging w Oscar? Not sure. I still am hurt about the whole ch situation. And I keep checking to see if they unblocked me. Fuck them it doesn’t matter. But apparently getting mad isn’t letting it go. How do I do that? god the nightmares were so annoying last night I feel like I barely got any sleep. Im hungry, I need a little snack. I didn’t do a very good job shopping but hey at least I got some food. im ready for my weekend and I want to go home already gahhhh. I also get a little bummed out no one really texts me but also im starting to get to a place where I don’t want to hear from anyone, especially if its someone that is just randomly hitting me up aka they’re not someone consistently texting me. 

Omg yay I actually got off for Nola. I gotta get my wheels aligned and my oil changed but that should be it. Tomorrow Ill get my tires fixed and get my meds, Sunday will be a day of chill (literally) I feel a spike in my blood sugar which gives me energy and I get a lil hyper but its 12 I have 2 more hours until I can go home

Sometimes I start thinking about what I would have done differently in my other relationships. How I would have acted or what I wpuold have Done as acts of service to like, ward off them leaving me. But this feels like intellectualizing my relatinships. Which im trying to get away from. Can I just accept that they didn’t work out, regardless of who was at fault? Not really because then I just blame myself and get into a bit of a spiral. I’m trying to shut people out, or just remove them from my brain as much as possible. I don’t wanna think about meme or ch or k or a or anyone really. I feel like it’s my responsibility to push those people out push the memories down. So I can forget. I miss them all, in some ways. maybe I miss the person I was when I was in a relationship. The kindness, the love. Something. I want to find that person again, without having to see it in someone else. I want it to just be me me alone. Whoops I got Too Real and started crying. Man. I am such a cryer. When is that gonna change? Probably never. Ive had ex gfs tell me that they love how soft I am, how much I can cry. Do I need to just be with people that can cry too? People with oceans inside them, with rivers and lakes. My cancer moon tends to take over. I can’t help it. Love me love me don’t fucking leave me but honestly do leave if that’s what makes you happy I want you to be happy (with me please)/ my therapist asked me who would I be if wasn’t trying to always please other people and the truth is I don’t have a clue. Maybe the person I was when iw as a kid, climbing trees and running barefoot down the sidewalk. When did I change? How did I change? Maybe it’s something that happened as I grew older…more burdened with society, who knows? i think I want to be in a relationship but really I don’t want to, im scared of messing up and sliding further into sadness and depression. I just type and type and hope I can be okay, I need a freaking blog or something. Maybe I should start posting on Tumblr again? Lmao. What a trip let me see if it’s still up. Mani totally forgot my old spam email password so im going to have to start a new one/ that’s okay with me

WELL HERE WE ARE

got lunch in about half an hour, so I can tcob. I think people will find me (stupid instagram) but maybe I'll just change this before that can happen.. I'm so fucking hungry and I need to get better about packing breakfast. or snacks at the very least. when I went to the grocery store yesterday I sure got some shitty food. but at least im eating again. but I might need to chill on the food, just because I know im gaining weight again. there was a minute there where I was doing well, but I'm back to not doing so hot. mentally also I need to get back to taking my meds regularly.

whoops I just found out that there's some queer Memphis bullshit happening at cameo . I wish I could go sometimes but also....that's probably not a great fucking idea. I don't even like it there. and im not really a lesbian I think. kinda exist outside of there. man. depression sets in so quickly . almost time for lunch. im hungry, I bet knight is hungry ahh im sorry I feel bad, there's likeONE thing I had to do this morning and I totally forgot. also what the heck I don't want to wake up to texts at 6am from my father. that's like prime sleeping time. gonna start putting my phone on DND. I used to have it where ch was the only person that could get through my dnd. and maybe it's still like that? not sure, since I don't have their number saved anymore. god...what a sad time. idk. I just feel ...you know? its hard to say is all. I think I'm done here for now. can you still edit these? I guess I can always double or triple post. who cares?

ok, guess I can edit. I started crying again on the way home. I'm feeling like I wanna be around friends just so I won't get too sad. I guess im just really...thinking about the ch situation. I get sad thinking about what it looks like when I see them again, or if I never see them again. I know im spiraling! gotta just tell my brain to shut off when this starts to happen. I want a reason for why im feeling the way I do. what's wrong with me?

sometimes I wanna unalive still. its def not as intense as it used to be...but I do consider it. not planning or anything. just still get hit with overwhelming emotions and it feels exhausting.