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Divorce Done Differenty in Pennsylvania
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Emotional Effect on Children in Divorce: Litigation V Mediation
When a parent is going through a divorce, one of the main things parents may focus on is to make sure that the decisions made during the divorce will be most beneficial for the children of the couple. While each situation varies from person to person, this focus may be especially important for the child of the couple, who may be in a vulnerable stage of emotional development during this difficult time.
Despite the best intentions, the outcome may vary depending on what divorce process the couple chooses. Depending on what process is taken, the results could lead to a messy divorce where no one is happy.
THE EMOTIONS CHILDREN FEEL IN A DIVORCE
Emotions associated with grief and loss are common for individuals experiencing divorce. Such emotions could include worry, wonder, unhappiness, and anger and can occur during different stages of the divorce. The most common and complicated emotion during a divorce is anger in children and adults, which is a common reaction to grief and loss. Consequently, if parents are not processing their emotions, such as sadness, grief, or anger, it will negatively affect the children by causing more conflict and tension in the transition. Children can become confused and upset about the divorce. And it is estimated that approximately one million children are affected by divorce every year.
Children of divorce may suffer behaviorally, psychologically, and emotionally. Divorce can present as a crisis in a child’s life. It can be a time of unfamiliar transition, and the child could have a hard time adjusting to the transition, and the distress associated with divorce could cause a shift in mood and trigger anxiety in children as well. As a result, divorce poses a challenging transition for the children to adjust to.
Research has also revealed that children with divorced parents are more likely to see a mental health professional, have problems with depressed moods, and have problems managing their behavior. Increased stress and tension are also risk factors for children who have experienced the divorce of their parents.
THE DIRECTION TO CHOOSE DURING A DIVORCE
Generally, the parties have two directions to choose from while navigating a divorce. They can choose a self-directed process like mediation or collaborative law where the parties decide how to share their assets, debts, and parenting time with the support and assistance of a mediator or collaborative lawyers. Others may choose the court system where they hand their families’ future over to the judges to decide what is the right call for the families’ finances and parenting plans in accordance with the law.
A traditional litigated divorce court environment pits one party against the other; the natural fight-or-flight instincts that may be triggered could result in the mental deterioration of all parties involved, with the child potentially getting caught in the emotional crossfire. As a result, a child enduring a traditional litigated divorce may end up scared and scarred for the rest of their lives and could pass this trauma onto future generations.
Compared to mediation, which focuses on cooperation, the effects a child may experience during a divorce may be mitigated as some of the potential tension and negative emotionality of the experience of divorce can be avoided through the divorce mediation process. Giving parents the chance to have more input and control over the outcome of their divorce can go a long way in reducing the stress of divorce for them. A less stressful divorce gives parents the time and energy to focus on helping their child process these big life changes. Thus, the smoother the divorce process, the better for the emotional stability of the child.
When a party’s focus is on what is best for the children, it may be helpful to compare how children faired after experiencing divorce through each of these types of divorce processes.
It may be helpful for parents in deciding which type of divorce process they choose to compare how children faired after the experience of a traditional litigated divorce with how children who experienced divorce through the mediation process.
By understanding the differences between the divorce process through mediation or collaborative divorce as compared to the divorce process through the courts with attorneys and judges, a person can better understand why each process may affect children differently.
GOING THROUGH TRADITIONAL DIVORCE
People are generally familiar with how a traditional court environment works. An unbiased judge makes a decision to resolve the parties’ issues after reviewing the written and spoken testimonies of the facts presented by both sides in conjunction with the laws that apply to those issues.
The way divorce is handled in a traditional court environment is built more from a system that focuses on the resolution of a conflict based on a standard set of rules into which the unique facts of an individual’s divorce are forced to fit. In a traditional divorce environment, the results are decided based on the law and how the Judge decides to apply the law to the facts each side presents.
Each side is pitted against the other to present the most compelling argument to the Judge that their set of facts means that the Judge should decide in their favor under the law. In a traditional court environment, the outcome is focused on reaching a decision where only one side is found to be right, and almost everything for the opposing side is deemed incorrect.
For the parties, this feels like a one-sided resolution. In addition, the other downside of this process is that the focus is simply on the laws and the facts, and the emotional aspects that are always part of any divorce are not part of the decision-making process for the court.
RESULTS AFTER TRADITIONAL DIVORCE
Due to the heated nature of the litigation process, each party can feel like they are being backed into a corner. Often, parties start to argue more based on worse-case scenarios and say things they may regret in the future. This leads to the trust between parents being further eroded. In these scenarios, children absorb all the tension between their parents. As a result, the child may feel conflicted and unsure who to trust.
The biggest emotional impact a child may feel after enduring a traditional divorce is the loss of trust and the questioning of what love is. Prior to their parents separating household, a child may have lived through their parents fighting often. Having experienced such a hostile environment during the developmental years of childhood, a child may be left wondering if love is nothing more than constant conflicts and unsure if they can ever really trust anyone in a relationship, including their future partner. In addition, the child’s once-familiar universe is imploded. A child of divorce is faced with coping with an unfathomable amount of stress, such as living in a new home and adjusting to new people being introduced into their inner family circle. These new challenges that the child faces and how they are navigated will affect them not only in the present but also in the long term. If the divorce ends up being particularly contentious, the parents may still have some hostilities remaining that the child may continue to experience during future interactions with both parents.
Often, the hostilities that arise between divorcing parents can come from miscommunications between the parent’s respective lawyers or the parents themselves. These miscommunications can often arise from the emotionality of a litigated divorce. This kind of miscommunication would lead both parents to become increasingly distrustful and defensive when dealing with their former partner.
These hostile interactions are extremely detrimental to a child’s emotional well-being. Not only are they emotionally stressful to the child, but the parents may be so immersed in their defensive posture with one another they may overlook the child’s emotional distress being suffered as a result of the divorce. Therefore, a child may be forced to suffer in silence during a traditional litigated divorce.
Children exposed to high conflict are more likely to be affected negatively and could also have weakened relationships with one or both parents. Divorce can also cause children to have to grow up too quickly, which could impact their adjustment and resiliency.
If a child develops emotional wounds from this trauma, that can last a lifetime and may even be potentially passed on to their future children. According to an article by the Washington Post, intergenerational trauma can pass between multiple generations through personal experiences and even genes. Combined with the normal childhood and teenage challenges a child might face, a child going through a traditional litigated divorce may suffer more deeply or become overwhelmed emotionally as a result of all the extreme changes happening to them.
GOING THROUGH MEDIATION
However, the extreme changes a child endures during a divorce can be mitigated if both parties take a more active part in deciding the future of their family during a divorce through the process of divorce mediation.
Despite concerns over the psychological well-being of children of divorce, researchers found that after being involved in divorce mediation, parents had decreased levels of distress and anxiety, which may overall be beneficial for children, as they may benefit from their parent’s decreased anxiety.
Given our country’s high divorce rate and its negative impact on children, families must become involved with mediation. This process facilitates a positive involvement of both parents in their children’s lives following divorce. As well as being positively involved, families and children are in need of interventions to manage conflicts and emotions. Research has shown that divorce mediation helps resolve emotional and agreement issues in family conflict, which could have a positive impact on children’s adjustment to the divorce.
One of the key aspects of divorce mediation is the focus on collaboration between both parties. By prioritizing cooperation, mediation promotes a satisfactory result for all parties involved. The cooperative process of divorce mediation reduces the stress for both parties as they are navigating their divorce. In addition, with cooperation being the focus of divorce mediation, the results can be more beneficial for the child’s future in the long term.
One of the most beneficial aspects for the child where the parents cooperate while navigating their divorce is that the parents’ can also work together to focus on meeting the child’s needs. This can result in reassuring the child and dissipating the child’s fears about all the big changes they are facing due to the divorce.
This cooperative approach also creates a calm atmosphere that allows the parents to talk about the divorce between themselves and the child. This also encourages the child to feel more comfortable talking about how they are feeling about the divorce and how it is affecting them. This open dialog can make the child feel more valued in the divorce discussion. While reassuring the child could also happen in the traditional litigated divorce environment, mediation is more likely to promote calmer interactions between the parents, which can greatly reduce the amount of tension felt by the parents and the child as the family transitions into separate households.
RESULTS AFTER MEDIATION
There are many benefits that stem from the divorce mediation process as compared with the litigated traditional divorce process.
Due to the more cooperative, relaxed environment created as part of the mediation process, parents may feel more relaxed talking to each other and may gain more understanding about the other parent’s perspective about what they need or think the child needs as they transition households. This can allow the child to adjust more successfully to the post-divorce environment.
In addition, these cooperative interactions between the parents ease tensions and allow the child to maintain healthier relationships with both parents and feel comfortable talking to each parent about their needs or wants. Maintaining healthy relationships with both parents helps a child build confidence for future long-term relationships. Also, by seeing both parents willingly cooperate after a divorce, the child may have a better understanding of how to handle relationship conflicts.
These benefits that are offered to a child who experiences divorce through mediation as opposed to litigation give the child a better chance at succeeding in future relationships while also preparing them for the trials and tribulations they may face.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/emotional-effect-on-children-in-divorce-litigation-v-mediation/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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The Power of Positive Communication in Divorce Mediation: How to Keep the Dialogue Open and Productive
One of the key aspects that people learn when growing up is the importance of communication, and that continues to be even more important as everyone gets older. Communication is the most essential tool to help people understand the perspectives and motivations of one another. Therefore, communication in divorce mediation is vital.
CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS
In any step of divorce, dealing with one’s emotions is one of the most common issues that may arise. In the realm of communication, having the ability to control one’s emotions during a stressful situation can be a helpful skill for a person to have amid divorce. In a divorce setting, the amount of stress for both spouses and the intensity of their feelings for their soon-to-be ex are higher than usual for both individuals.
Meetings between separating parties to discuss a path forward can trigger some intense emotions. The spouses can mentally prepare for any upcoming event or proceeding by planning certain meetups and legal reviews.
Planning a meeting with a former spouse will help both parties mentally prepare for being in the same physical space with that other person and for the subjects that will be discussed. Being mentally prepared for meeting a former spouse will help the parties approach the meeting with a clear mind. Thus, combined with conversations using precise and direct language, as discussed below, the discussions between the parties regarding the divorce proceedings can be more productive with this type of mental preparation.
It can also help to prepare for meetings that are about to occur in more socially relaxed situations, such as family gatherings. Processing emotions before meetings with former spouses and perhaps their relatives is especially important if the couple has any children that will be present during these gatherings.
BEING HONEST AND DIRECT
While communication in divorce mediation or another divorce setting may be difficult at first glance, knowing what needs to be said will help expedite the process. Like all conversions, some people may have difficulty describing their needs. Being clear and direct communications about what each party wants in a divorce will help understand everyone’s intentions without confusion. It will also help show that the speaker has a well-thought-out plan of action. With the interests being clearly described, any potential misunderstandings can be avoided. This will help make proceedings smoother in a divorce case.
Another technique that helps promote a productive conversation is when one party listens to the other party speaking without interruption. By giving the former spouse undivided attention, the speaking spouse will feel that their concerns are being validated and heard. The feeling of validation will be further bolstered if the listener describes what the listener heard back to the speaker in as direct a manner as possible.
Lastly, being genuine, honest, and direct about one’s thoughts will help clarify your intentions when communicating with an estranged spouse and help reduce misunderstandings between both parties during the divorce. Thus, being truthful in a divorce can help create a sense of trust so that both parties may be more willing to cooperate to reach settlements.
PLANNING OUT YOUR MESSAGE
When people communicate with each other today, the most common method is through text messaging services, emails, or social media platforms. While this may have the benefit of quick, direct access for friends and family, many people will post personal thoughts or responses without a second thought or review. Unfortunately, with these forms of communication in divorce mediation, the true tone and meaning of the message can get lost in translation.
This can potentially lead to misunderstandings by the receiver as to what is actually being said or what was intended by the sender. Any misinterpretation can lead the receiving spouse to question the sending spouse’s motivation or intentions, thereby putting them on the defensive. This, in turn, can lead to distrust and arguments, which can really derail a divorce proceeding by taking it from being peaceful to being a battle.
If one needs to communicate with a former spouse via text or email, the best course would be to be precise about the words being typed and to weigh them carefully to clearly and unemotionally convey your message before being sent. A well-planned and thought-out written message can help ensure that no unnecessary emotions are inflamed by any misunderstandings that may be created by a hastily drafted text or email.
CHILDREN
Like the parents, the child is also navigating the emotional landmines that have been set up between the parties and is trying to avoid them at all costs. Being honest and treating the child like a person with their own thoughts and feelings will help create a sense of ease in the child’s mind.
It is essential to help a child maintain a healthy relationship with both parents by making them feel safe and secure in the presence of their parents individually and together. To avoid making the child a part of the collateral damage during divorce proceedings, parents should avoid potentially hostile emotional exchanges between them in the presence of the child.
When it comes to talking about or talking to a child during a divorce, it is essential to recognize how the parent or the child might feel about the words being used. Parents need to be careful not to make it feel like the child is being used as a bargaining chip in the divorce negotiations. A hastily stated comment can trigger intense emotions in a parent or a child. Using direct, thoughtful language and taking note of the child’s potential feelings will help keep the divorce proceeding focused and moving at a steady pace.
While children who are minors are a common focal point in a divorce, this concept can still apply to adult children. Even though adult children can understand some of the more mature concepts of divorce, they still face some of the same emotional challenges that an underage child would, such as torn loyalties or fracturing of their emotional foundation. As such, some of the same communication tactics mentioned above also apply here. No matter the age difference, awareness and consideration of the child’s feelings are essential if the goal of the proceedings is to benefit all the people involved in a divorce.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, the issues that arise with communication in divorce mediation vary on a case-by-case basis. Clients can be so overwhelmed that they may have trouble planning what they need to say or may be unable to describe to their attorney or spouse the exact details of what they feel they need to live separately and apart from their soon-to-be ex-spouse. Often, the client’s emotions make such communication even more difficult. In addition, other factors like children can complicate aspects of these communications even more.
In the world of divorce, no matter what the issues are, knowing how to communicate best will help people better prepare for the necessary interactions that take place during divorce, which in turn can help the process move forward at a more productive and steadier pace.
So, just like when you were still a child, the key to navigating any relationship is healthy communication, and it is even more essential when dealing with a former spouse/partner during and after divorce proceedings.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/the-power-of-positive-communication-in-divorce-mediation-how-to-keep-the-dialogue-open-and-productive/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
#communication#divorce mediation#divorce attorney#divorce lawyer#family law attorney#divorce process#divorce
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How The Divorce Process Can Affect Your Future
How you go through the divorce process sets the path for your and your family’s futures. A tumultuous divorce causes more pain, deepens wounds, and makes moving forward more challenging. Many people, years after their divorce is over, still struggle emotionally, physically, and financially. The long-term effects of a nasty divorce are even more complicated when children are involved. But this doesn’t have to be the case.
Having the right tools and mindset while divorcing can set the course for a better future for the entire family. When properly adjusted, a different divorce mindset can bring healing, happiness, and prosperity.
Our goal is to help people who have or are experiencing divorce can transform their lives and bring restoration to their broken families with solutions we can help them discover that fit their unique situation.
Join our Divorce Mediation Coaching event to learn how families can go through and beyond divorce with dignity and can, in turn, restore their health, wealth, and happiness.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/how-the-divorce-process-can-affect-your-future/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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My Professional Epiphany
I remember it so well. I had been practicing family law litigation for about 4 years. I saw how the courts just pulled families apart and caused children immense pain and distress in its adversarial system. It was so disheartening to me because I went into law practice to help people.
I was at a Pennsylvania Family Law Winter Meeting in 1992 when a woman stood up and said, “I am a reformed custody litigator.” My head just about exploded, and I thought that was what I wanted to be when I grew up. After that, I started looking into how to become part of the solution instead of part of the problem (to paraphrase John Lennon). I found something called mediation.
I traveled to Silver Springs, Maryland, for a week-long course to train to become a family law mediator. I felt like I had found Nirvana. What a wonderful way to support people through the painful divorce process and give peace a chance. Unfortunately, mediation was not well known as an alternative to divorce and custody litigation at the time, but it has slowly taken a foothold. I proclaimed never to try a custody case in court in 2002 and never to try another divorce case in 2012.
Lawyering up and duking it out in court is not the best way to get divorced. I kicked the litigation drug then and there and feel so much better not putting myself and my clients into that pressure cooker to have a stranger in a black robe decide the rest of their lives.
There is a better option. It’s called mediation.
SIGN UP FOR MY DIVORCE MEDIATION COACHING PROGRAM TODAY
If you take my hand, I can show you the way. My Don’t Litigate. Mediate! Coaching program begins in late 2023. Get on the waiting list now by emailing me at [email protected], and let me know if you want to be in my coaching program. If you have to divorce, do it the best way: Don’t Litigate. Mediate! Don’t delay. Do it today.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/my-professional-epiphany/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Divorce Without Destruction and Drama
The stress of ending a marriage can take its toll on your emotional and financial well-being. If not navigated properly, decisions about custody, support, and who is responsible for what you owe and what you own can impact your future in a devastating and lasting way. But you can decide on divorce without destruction and drama.
SIGN UP FOR MY DIVORCE MEDIATION COACHING PROGRAM TODAY
My program can empower those facing divorce who fear ending up with a hole in their heart and their pockets by helping them have their divorce done differently, where everyone wins. You will receive the tools to stay in control of creating your own divorce financial and custody agreements in an economically informed, amicable way without court involvement. Not the lawyers. Not the judge. My program will give you the tools to help you succeed in the following:
Finding a peaceful way to resolve conflict
Planning a fair financial future
Shortening the divorce process
Avoiding painful court battles
Saving you $1000s in legal fees.
Through my program, I can help you plan a divorce strategy for a brighter future with minimal conflict and maximum peace of mind. The coaching program begins late 2023.
Get on the waiting list now by emailing Attorney-Mediator Lenore Myers at [email protected] and let her know you want to be in her coaching program. Don’t delay. Do it today.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/divorce-without-destruction-and-drama/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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What are the Prenuptial Agreement Advantages and Disadvantages?
When it comes to divorce, whether it be settled via a peaceful agreement through a mediator or a hostile fight in court, a couple’s biggest hurdles are who gets what and how it gets decided. This is where prenuptial agreement advantages and disadvantages come into play.
Having an idea ahead of a divorce of what property goes to each partner during the divorce will help make the divorce process move at a much smoother pace. By drafting an agreement before marriage, a couple can bring much-needed clarity to a potentially messy divorce by outlining how certain property is divided in the event of a divorce. This is the basic concept of a prenuptial agreement.
People interested in creating a prenuptial agreement may need guidance on where to start.
BASICS OF A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
In summary, a prenuptial agreement is an agreement made between parties about to be married, determining which party gets what property in the event the marriage ends in divorce. This property can range from the property a person possessed before the marriage to any property acquired during the marriage. The main purpose of a prenuptial agreement is to outline how property owned prior to and acquired after the marriage is to be divided in the event of a divorce to avoid ugly court battles and plan for the future with or without their soon-to-be spouse.
For some, a prenuptial agreement can also build trust between both parties, who may still feel vulnerable concerning their assets when considering the prospect of marriage. Having the agreement created before marriage makes deciding who gets what during a divorce much faster than making those decisions after the break up of the marriage, whether it be done peacefully or otherwise.
In terms of cost, a prenuptial agreement can cost around $1500 on average. Depending on a person’s state, the cost may go as high as $6,000. It is best advised that those outside the state of Pennsylvania research the cost of a prenuptial agreement to prepare ahead of time.
Some people considering a prenuptial agreement may wonder about the benefits of a prenuptial agreement in marriage and divorce. Like with any legally binding agreement, there are advantages and disadvantages, depending on the terms and conditions of the agreement.
ADVANTAGES OF A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
As mentioned earlier, one of the major advantages of having a prenuptial agreement is that in the event of a future divorce, it can make the process move at a much faster and smoother pace since both parties are deciding in advance what property will be handed over to them if the marriage ends. Thus by creating a prenuptial agreement in advance, couples can avoid a possible contentious divorce in the future.
Alimony payments are also an issue that can be addressed in a prenuptial agreement. The terms and conditions of a prenuptial agreement can outline if a spouse will receive alimony and, if so, how much and for how long.
So should a potential divorce come about to dissolve the marriage, having a prenuptial agreement may help give a clearer understanding of the economics of dividing the property the couples possess.
DISADVANTAGES OF A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
While it may seem like a good idea for a couple to get a prenuptial agreement, only some couples may be interested in creating one. One of the downsides of a prenuptial agreement is that it needs to be done before marriage which can put a damper on the romantic notion of “til death do us part.” In an article by NOLO, a prenuptial agreement not only could be a potential romance killer if not properly handled, but it may also be unnecessary in some cases.
In addition, preparing a prenuptial agreement can add to all the other stressors that come with planning a wedding.
Further, issues such as child custody or child support may come with a divorce that cannot be settled with a prenuptial agreement.
HOW A DIVORCE MEDIATOR & ATTORNEY CAN HELP WITH PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS
While the process of a prenuptial agreement may not be for everyone, knowing the option exists could benefit the couple if they deem it necessary. Especially in the world of mediation and divorce, knowing who would get particular assets ahead of time could greatly reduce unnecessary headaches and wasted money for the couple in the event of a divorce.
Having a basic knowledge of the concept, knowing the prenuptial agreement advantages and disadvantages, and consulting with a family law attorney can help a couple decide if creating a prenuptial agreement prior to their marriage is a worthwhile investment.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/what-are-the-prenuptial-agreement-advantages-and-disadvantages/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Alimony in Pennsylvania: What are the Specifics?
Alimony is a familiar word to anyone going through a divorce or familiar with the divorce process. And issues related to alimony in Pennsylvania are no different.
Depending on your state, the rules of alimony have varied from state to state in terms of how the wealth is distributed and what legal requirements and laws are used to determine the exact amount.
While this may seem confusing when talking about alimony in general, knowing the way alimony is handled in one’s state will help ensure clarity. It will help in understanding what alimony is precisely.
For this article, the concept of alimony will be based on how it is described in Pennsylvania law and what it means for those living there. This article will focus on the specific laws and definitions stated in Pennsylvania law. While there may be some similarities with other states, it is best to remember that what is mentioned in this article may not be the same in other states.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SPOUSAL SUPPORT AND ALIMONY IN PENNSYLVANIA.
When people are initially preparing for a divorce, the spouse may have also heard of the term spousal support and may wonder how it compares to alimony.
While both processes involve payments between the now separated spouses, the differences come in how the amount of the payments is determined and when the payments are made. Spousal support is paid before the spouses are divorced and determined by a calculation made under the Pennsylvania Support Guidelines. In contrast, alimony is paid after the spouses are divorced and determined at the court’s discretion based on 17 different factors outlined in the law.
WHAT IS ALIMONY IN PENNSYLVANIA?
In short, alimony is financial support paid by the spouse with a higher income to the spouse with a lower income after the parties are divorced. This amount and length of the payment can be determined by the parties’ agreement or the court’s order.
In Pennsylvania, when the court decides the amount of alimony to be paid is calculated by weighing 17 different factors to determine the amount and duration for the terms of alimony to be paid. One of the factors to be considered would be the financial assets each party will receive in the division of the marital assets.
WHAT FACTORS MAKE UP ALIMONY IN PENNSYLVANIA?
A number of the other factors that can be considered in determining the amount and term of alimony to be paid include the income of both parties, how long the marriage lasted, and if the couple has had a child together, which requires one spouse to be the stay at home parent. The court considers these 17 factors to determine if the spouse with the larger income should help support their former partner by paying them alimony until that person can support themselves.
Alimony may also be modifiable after the divorce. If alimony is ruled modifiable, then if any changes occur in income, the former couple may need to visit the court to request a change. The court will determine if a change in the amount of alimony being paid needs to occur.
Usually, alimony is paid for only a set period. However, there are some instances where alimony is deemed permanent if the former partner cannot financially recover. In this instance, alimony would be paid until the former dependent spouse is either dead or remarries another person.
Understanding the determination of the payment of alimony in Pennsylvania is a highly complex process. Anyone going through a divorce in Pennsylvania should consult an experienced family law attorney to determine their rights to alimony under the law.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/alimony-in-pennsylvania-what-are-the-specifics/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Orientation Day
Today was an “orientation” day for my son’s transition to a four-year university. Basically, it was a very general “Welcome!” and “Hello!” to new students and those transferring (like my son) to the school. I don’t remember what it was specifically called, but “orientation day” is the best phrase. My partner and I could tell that our son initially seemed very overwhelmed by it. For the first part of the day, he got very quiet, and I could tell he was questioning himself and all the amazing things he’s accomplished in his life to this point. He’s had a bit of a journey in his life, and I was so proud to be a part of his day today.
As we wound our way through line after line (to get into another line), the look on his face said it all. This is unlike anything he’s ever experienced before. Yes, we’ve driven through the campus numerous times, and he’s gotten the basic lay of the land. But today, it was real for him: this is no longer a distant thought about eventually transferring. He was committed, knew he was accepted as a student, and knew he was going there. He’s scheduled his classes, and we’ve put down a deposit. Today was a very intense day for him.
While waiting for our coffee and doughnuts, I heard him say something almost offhandedly. He sounded a bit distant and dreamy and a bit dejected. Looking around at all the other families, he mumbled to himself, “I think I should have done this four years ago.” Then, without skipping a beat, my husband casually ruminated out loud, “Well, I don’t know. What do you think, Mama?” As he said this, he flashed a quick glance at me. It was one of those slight, swift glances the two of us share when we “talk” to each other without actually saying a word. I knew that was my cue. I’ve written before that my partner and I split the lead on certain things. This is one of my many areas of expertise.
I told him something like I’m going to tell you now.
You are in a strange new place. Life is going on around you, and sometimes there’s a never-ending line of people and meetings and strange new experiences you’ve never encountered before. It’s intimidating. It’s terrifying. It’s extremely disorienting and overwhelming in a way that may never have seemed possible. But you know what? You are exactly where you need to be, and despite how you may feel, this is not necessarily a bad thing.
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve caught myself thinking, “I could have done this” or “I should have done that.” Why? You’ve done the best you could with what you knew at the time. That’s a good thing. There’s no shame in that. You know what you know now, and that’s what counts. What matters is what you do with what you know today.
In comparison with others, my son has always started out “behind” or labeled as “failed.” But my husband and I have always asked each other: “Behind who?”, “Failed what?” He’s always been right where he needs to be – for himself – to achieve what is best for him at any given moment. In the end, it’s always worked out. With time and (healthy) support, his engines have always revved up when he’s ready. He’s “engaged warp speed” (as my Trekkie spouse says) to bridge chasms, surging through any darkness or doubt: all when the time and place were right for him. This is not pollyannish by any means. I’m not saying there haven’t been many “dark nights of the soul” for us. There certainly have been times – days, months, even years – when we’ve had profound, doubtful misgivings about the outcomes (but that is where faith and hope come into play). But yes, I have to assert that, in the end, things have always worked out for the best for him as long as he made an effort.
Yet remember what I just said: “time and healthy support.” You and your ex deserve to be heard. You both deserve to be supported. You both deserve that moment when “warp speed” is suddenly and unexpectedly engaged by some seemingly unknown reason, force, or power.
I am a part of that process for you both.
MY ROLE AS A MEDIATOR
I don’t “fix” things or people. I’m a part of a larger manifestation in your life that helps you both to achieve what is best for both of you should you so choose. Even though a relationship may be over, you and your ex were brought together to provide the opportunity to heal each other: That’s why you were attracted to each other in the first place. I know this sounds odd, but it’s true. As a mediator, I am a catalyst to assist you in making sense of your current situation and how you can move forward towards all, which can be the best of what might be. The point is to do this in a non-confrontational and alleviating, mitigating way. This is my expertise.
I’m not a therapist. It’s not my job or purpose to perform such a role. However, I can be an integral part of your larger, healthy support system. I’ve spent my entire 36-plus-year career learning and developing the methodologies and processes of mediating divorce for both for the benefit of all. I’ve seen things that work and many things which don’t. I would challenge you to engage me to assist you with all the techniques I’ve learned over the course of decades for the benefit of you, your children, and even your ex.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/orientation-day/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Solomon's Child: Why I Became a Custody Conciliator
In my courtroom, as a custody conciliator, I have a picture of the story of Solomon. In this story (1 Kings Chapter 3), there were two mothers, each claiming to be the child’s birth mother. King Solomon, who was renowned for his wisdom, commanded:
SOLOMON’S CHILD
“Both of you say this live baby is yours. Someone bring me a sword.” A sword was brought, and Solomon ordered, “Cut the baby in half! That way, each of you can have part of him.”
As the story goes, the true parent gave up her claim to the child so the child would live, while the other parent seemed fine with the child being split in two. Thus, the true mother was found.
There is a reason why this story resonates so powerfully with me and why it’s so imperative to the work I do. Believe it or not, there are some ex-partners who would be perfectly fine with Solomon’s decision – even literally. It would surprise you how many parents are perfectly willing (even eager) to split their children, in an emotional and physical sense, in two for any number of reasons.
WHY I BECAME A CUSTODY CONCILIATOR
I know that the current system was created with the best of intentions. But after decades of practicing in this field and viewing the ramifications of the results that come from the practice in this area of law, I had to find a different path that follows the spirit of what was intended rather than the proscribed letter of the law. Note that I have the greatest respect for the law and what it strives to accomplish. But I have very serious disagreements with the real world, real life, consequences it can entail (unintentional though it might be).
This is why I stopped handling custody litigation years ago and became a custody conciliator and now a mediator. I chose to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem in a system that is more equipped to divide property than to heal a dysfunctional family.
I’ve viewed, studied, and practiced family law during the transition from the time of the 1979 movie “Kramer vs. Kramer” to today. At the time, this movie was an explosive expose of divorce and the real-life intricacies of what that entailed. In Pennsylvania, family law is foundationally based on the concept of the no-fault division of property. At the time it was implemented, this seemed like a rational and good idea, fine in theory. As a result, today, divorce is not (forgive me for saying) so dramatic as it was in the 1970s. “No Fault” divorce (since the 1980s) is much more common. Things happen. Separation and divorce don’t have to be anybody’s “fault.”
Yet the fact remains that your children are not “property” to be cleaved in half like your home, your income, or your retirement. And while the court’s standard for determining custody schedules is what is in the “best interest of the child,” this can be rather subjective criteria.
You know your children best. Who they are and what they need cannot be easily communicated to a stranger in a black robe in a few hours in court. That is why it’s so vital to refrain from the urge to “split the child.”
As Henry David Thoreau said, “It is always darkest before the dawn.” I find it is most helpful to see forward as to what the new horizon brings rather than constantly look backward and eternally fight to “right” any and all past “wrongs.”
Your children are the legacy and reality of what you are offering to the world. They are the inheritance you give to humanity: a reflection of where you came from, who you are and what you strive to be. It’s not about anything that you might leave them in your will. Your children are a reflection of how you lived your own life and how good you’ve been to yourself. Your children are the mirror you look into when all is said and done. It’s truly difficult when another person is involved, but, after all, children are a reflection of your ex as much as they are of yourself.
So going forward, in a sense, it’s not just about your children, but your legacy. I understand that these things are very personal, very difficult, and, yes, intensely painful. But in light of this, I would assert that your life (and that of your children) is vastly more valuable than any win you are in court to achieve.
This is why I do what I do in the field I’ve chosen to pursue. I would even say that it’s my passion.
My goal, as a mediator and custody conciliator, is to help you find the best path for you and your family to move forward into the next chapter of your lives. I command no emotional sword to be brought to me. I desire no authority to emotionally cleave or divide children between parents. My goals and desires are to help parents find the best, most healing way for ex-partners to find fulfillment in their own lives by resolving conflicts with their ex-partners to achieve your own peace of mind and peace for your children.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/solomons-child-why-i-became-a-custody-conciliator/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Not "If," But "How" Couples Argue Matters
My husband and I got into a fight yesterday. No physicality, but let’s just say we exchanged various words and phrases in a rather assertive manner. Believe it or not, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Couples argue. People disagree. Arguments can ensue, and certain situations can arise where separation or divorce can ensue. The thing is, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean that it’s anyone’s fault. If you have gotten to the point where a relationship is ending, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your partner’s fault. That said, it doesn’t have to mean it’s your fault. Sometimes the dissolution of a relationship simply means you weren’t a good fit for each other. Sometimes stuff just happens.
THE CHALLENGES OF RELATIONSHIPS & ARGUMENTS
I find that the challenge of relationships is about growth and learning how to relate to others amid difficulties. To end a marriage or relationship only to pick another partner who only knows “the same dance” (as I often say) doesn’t help you in the long run. Yes, things happen, but I suggest learning from the dissolution of a relationship rather than dancing the same dance to the same tune.
My partner and I don’t often argue (or fight like we did yesterday). But on the few occasions we do, we’ve never tried to hide it from our child. Of greater importance, we’ve never put our child in the middle of our disagreements. You see, it’s not a matter of if you and any partner you have will fight or argue, but how couples argue or fight.
I think we would all agree that physical violence is never a good idea and is never acceptable. Yet I would also assert that a sort of “passive-aggressive” form of conflict, or a manipulative one, is not very helpful (especially when children are involved). My partner grew up in a very violent home. But it was also a home filled with manipulation and emotional abuse (for all involved). I’ve spent 40 years in the field of family law, and, sadly, I must admit, I’ve seen many dysfunctional harmful relationships play out to the detriment of the whole family. Sadly, I have to say that I’ve been in practice long enough that I’ve seen 2 to even 3 generations of families ripped apart by the same patterns of maladaptive relationships.
My partner has done a tremendous amount of personal work and therapy over the course of decades. My partner has given me insight into his struggles, and I know that I have provided him with perspectives he had never considered before. The point is that we’ve grown together. We’ve come to see our relationship with each other as paramount: it doesn’t matter who was “wrong” or “right.” More importantly, we view our child’s growth, development, and happiness as more imperative than what either of us wants or desires.
RESOLVING ARGUMENTS
Somehow we’ve learned over the years that at a certain point, it’s better for both of us to disengage, spend some time on opposite sides of the house and cool down and reflect on what is actually happening at the moment. Now, bear with me. This will sound odd, but it works for us. Many times what will end up happening is my husband will come back into the room I’m in and say something to the effect of: “I’ve thought it all over and have decided to forgive you.” I never fail to erupt with laughter – and then all the tension is gone. The reason is that I know what he’s actually saying is, “I love you so much, and I would really appreciate it if you would forgive me.” He doesn’t want to admit that he’s wrong (and he can be), but he’s found that approaching the situation this way allows him to apologize (at least initially) without actually saying it. The key here is that neither of us is “keeping score.” We live our lives in a way where no one “wins” unless we all “win.”
In our relationship, there is a give and take. There are certain things my spouse does that drive me nuts. At the same time, I know there are certain things I do that drive him nuts. And ultimately, we find that our relationship and (especially) the value we both place on our child’s well-being and happiness is more important than any disagreements we may have on any other matter.
All couples argue. Yes, at times, my partner and I argue and fight. But it’s not “if” we’re going to argue or fight. It’s always about “how” we go about it that makes all the difference in the world.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/not-if-but-how-couples-argue-matters/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Is Collaborative Divorce a Good Idea?
When one thinks of a divorce, they usually think of only one party winning and both parties barely able to cooperate. However, that is not often the case in some situations. Some instead would prefer the process of a collaborative divorce, in which all members involved would walk away satisfied with the agreed results. If you are wondering, “is collaborative divorce a good idea?”, keep reading to see if this option is best for your situation.
WHAT IS A COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE?
The process usually involves both parties working together with their respective lawyers and the mediator involved with the case to reach a solution that benefits all. By doing this, all the parties involved will understand the requests with a clear understanding of why this was suggested. Outside of the broad strokes, other factors will vary depending on the judicial district and the attorneys hired for the process.
WHO WOULD WANT TO HAVE A COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE?
Those willing to have a collaborative divorce would most likely want a peaceful resolution to the process. Say, for example, a spouse wants to have a divorce but is not willing to go through the tiring process of a traditional divorce. This could be for several reasons, such as if they had a child together or if they want to still have a connection with a former spouse or anyone else connected to them in some way. Through this process, all parties can benefit from this situation without straining the relationship further than it already has.
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BENEFITS OF A COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE?
When it comes to some of the benefits, it can often focus on the idea of better communication for both parties. With the option of both sides working together, the amount of miscommunication between both parties is reduced. (The idea of both sides benefiting from the process as well as another strong point of this practice- delete) .Also, most former couples do not want to see former spouses left out high and dry for a variety of reasons. Collaborative divorce helps parties work together to create a financial settlement that works best for both of them ( add) In this way ( add) , all parties involved will walk away with ( some sort of benefit – delete ) a resolution that(add) will make each feel satisfied with the outcome.
WHY IS A COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE IMPORTANT?
In an age where it seems like everything around us feels like a nightmare, the way both parties ( communicate in a divorce is very important. Clear communication between both parties limits the amount of misunderstanding that often happens in a traditional court environment. In a collaborative divorce, both parties will feel like there is no hidden agenda to ruin them. This aspect of collaborative divorce is especially important if the couple has any children who are often unintentionally caught in the crossfire of a traditional divorce, adding to the trauma they already are experiencing with the dissolution of the family
HOW DOES COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE BENEFIT ME?
The collaborative divorce process helps make the communication between both parties clearer and calm and avoids unintentional misunderstandings than if they were going through a typical court case. This way of communication makes the process much smoother and quicker than in a traditional court environment. Collaborative divorce is a good idea because having a smoother, quicker process reduces the amount of time and money wasted over non-productive arguments that don’t need to happen in the first place. When both parties can see things from each other’s perspectives and work to reach the best overall settlement for everyone through the collaborative divorce process, each party wins in the end.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/is-collaborative-divorce-a-good-idea/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
#collaborative divorce attorney#collaborative divorce#divorce#divorce attorney#divorce lawyer#divorce process#collaborative divorce process
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Marriage Mediation: Who's Driving?
Backseat Drivers: Who Has The Wheel in Marriage Mediation?
A number of years ago, I was on vacation with my family. My son had his learners permit and we were encouraging him to drive as much as possible. The challenge was that there were too many “captains on the ship” while he was driving. Everyone was contributing at the same time over and above the voices of anyone else. Everyone in the car had opinions, directions and they were insistent on what he “should” be doing and how he “should” be driving…as he was driving! This was not a good idea.
It was very disorienting, confusing and upsetting for my son and it made the whole process infinitely worse for all involved. These assertions and outbursts by everyone in the car caused my son to make a series of dangerous premature turns. There were also a number of closely avoided collisions with oncoming cars and other objects on the side of the road like trees and other assorted, inanimate, objects.
In this driving scenario with our child, we had previously all AGREED that he (my spouse/partner) would be the lead person for mentoring our son on driving. He considered all of our input, but, in the end, our child only had to heed the direction of our designated driving mentor. Fortunately, my spouse the previously appointed “driving mediator” intervened. My spouse / partner was designated as the mediator. He was the one guiding the process and taking the lead in our child’s driving. Because of this, when my spouse/partner reminded us of our agreement, everyone else in the car quieted down and allowed him to work with our son to drive confidently and safely. Though I was no longer directly “calling the shots,” my spouse/partner…our driving mediator…was able to guide our child in a very successful experience and helped him achieve a higher level of competency in driving. This made this weekend of our child’s driving a great success.
Over the years, my spouse/partner and I have worked out a mutually satisfying system where there are certain things he has the final say on and there are others on which I have the final say (this is a topic for another article). It has served us well and works perfectly for the peace and wellbeing of our whole family (although my partner still makes me crazy at times!).
With separation/divorce, you are not the only one on your journey. There are others along for the ride whether you like it or not. The challenge is to arrive at a mutually agreed upon destination, for the benefit of all. The details of how you got there (or the route you took to get there) don’t really matter. Style points on the way of driving don’t really count. If you get to where you wanted to end up, nothing else really matters.
A divorce through the courts is about conflict and control. Marriage mediation is about the process of arriving safely at your desired destination. As with driving, if everyone is grabbing at the wheel or shouting out instructions from the back seat, there is no clear path forward. It can be confusing, disorienting and generate a great deal of unnecessary tension and conflict. It could even be dangerous to your finances or personal wellbeing.
With a marriage mediator, no one has to “win” or “lose.” You can engage in a more relaxed process, with a trusted intermediary, with the confidence that you will get to your ultimate destination safely. We all can get lost on our way. We can all make a wrong turn in our lives with a partner. It’s not so important where we are (though your feelings and experiences are quite so), the goal is to ultimately get to where we want to end up. Mediation eases the path to your destination. It puts the focus on your future, not your past. There are many roads and many routes to get to where you ultimately want to be. Why not have someone else help you navigate where you all want to go and alleviate the confusion and conserve your travel time, resources and energy as you prepare for your next journey after this one has ended?
The road ahead is calling you…and I’m here to help you map out your best route forward.
#Marriage Mediation#marriage mediator#family law#divorce attorney#divorce lawyer#lawyers#legal services
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Look For The Good in Divorce
Look For The…(Wait) .. Good.. (What?!).. in Divorce
What are we looking for? What do we see around us? Sometimes there are views and hues which filter out so much of the good that’s out there, distorts so many situations, or just needlessly separates us from one another as we are just get carried along with torrent of everyday life.
One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes we need to be more mindful and deliberate about what we what we’re looking for so we can see things differently. So many things influence what and how we see things (and that makes total sense). In separation and divorce, the world often seems filled with an overwhelming pall of darkness, anger, resentment and despair. This is totally normal and completely understandable.
So often I have seen couples become so entranced by revenge that they get lost in ever chasing that white whale, Moby Dick, like the fabled captain Ahab who says as he is pulled down into the sea by the object of his obsession:
“…to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart, I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee…”
I’ve seen all too many of these sad divorce tales and know all too well the traumatic endings.
I feel exhausted and tense just thinking about that type of separation/divorce.
Yet I find that there is so much more to a situation in any given moment if we just look at it from a different angle. It is difficult and an arduous journey but it can yield the possibility of sailing off peacefully into that proverbial sunset.
Being from the Philadelphia area, I’ve become familiar with some of the ideas of “The Society Of Friends” (better known as William Penn’s Quakers). One thing which has impressed me about this group’s belief system is that their entire faith is built on this one simple premise- Seeing what is called a “Divine Presence” or “That Of God” within others- to see the light of God in everyone they meet.
Applying this simple tenet to my everyday life, I’ve found that everything changes. I see and experience things I never knew existed. I’m not talking about some religious epiphany. But if you are able to look for and then see some semblance of that Divine Presence or “good” in everyone and everything in your everyday life, you can in a very practical way see life through a lens that makes everything seem infinitely more beautiful and amazing. And in turn this new found vision can nurture you and your own sense of well-being and have a ripple effect on those around you and in some small way a positive effect on the world.
The musician Jason Mraz wrote a song which seems to personify this with the simple refrain, “look for the good in everyone.” Easier said than done, I know. It’s even more challenging when you are looking at your ex. However, if you “look for the good” in your ex, that doesn’t mean you have to erase all that has gone before. Not at all. It doesn’t mean ignoring inflicted hurts and pain you have received. It certainly doesn’t mean ignoring the wounds and tribulations you have been dealt (and are still dealing with).
Divorce is a deep, profound trauma in both of your lives. Looking for the good can help you develop a sense of empathy for that other person who may also be experiencing similar pain to you. It can also be a technique you can use as a way to journey towards healing yourself and finding peace. To create a mindset which can light the way for you to help you to better and more easily transition from the hurts of your past relationship to all the healing that awaits ahead of you. If you can look for the good in your ex, you may not see much…but just enough good to free yourself, for yourself.
Looking for the good in others is also a good starting point for the mediation process. The mediation process can help both you and your ex more easily and less expensively work things out. As the mediator I can assist you both in this process. My role as mediator is to serve as a supporting catalyst to help you reach your goal to find the “good” resolution that can serve the best interests of you and your family as you move forward in separating your household.
Please take a moment to contemplate this different perspective of “looking for the good in everyone” as Jason Mraz’s song and lyrics below would suggest and as you consider a way to divorce differently.
LOOK FOR THE GOOD
Please take a moment to contemplate this different perspective of “looking for the good in everyone” as Jason Mraz’s song and lyrics below would suggest and as you consider a way to divorce differently.
Artist: Jason Mraz
Album: Look For The Good (Release Date – 19 June 2020)
Song: Look For The Good
Lyrics
[chorus]
Look for the good in everything
Look for the people who will set your soul free
It always seems impossible until it’s done
Look for the good in every one
People done gone crazy, people done gone mad
People done forgot the superpowers we all have
We were born to love, not hate
We can decide our fate
And look for the good in everyone
And celebrate our love most days
If there’s a silver lining (silver lining)
You still have to find it, find it, find it
[Chorus]
Everyone needs sunshine, everyone needs rain
Everyone is carrying around some kind of pain
I see who you are, you’re just like me
I see you’re searching for a purpose, guided by a dream
I see who you are, I’m just like you
I get lost sometimes and I forget what I came here to do
I keep on trying (keep on trying)
When it gets frightening
[Chorus]
[Break]
Everyone is nature, everyone is God
Everyone is love and light and vibration
Look for the good, look for the good
Everyone gets mad sometimes and maybe they should
Look for the good, Look for the good
Yeah, look out for all the heroes in your neighborhood
Look for the good, Look for the good
Life sure would be sweeter if everybody would
[Chorus]
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/look-for-the-good-in-divorce/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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"Festivus Makes a Mess-of-Us": The Airing of Grievances in Divorce
With the holiday season winding up, I came across a “Festivus” decoration which we had bought for our tree many years ago. On a whim, I watched this Seinfeld episode (“The Strike,” Season 9, Episode 10) with my spouse and child. We’ve all always found this installment of the series to be one of the best and most enjoyable.
I began to wonder if there really is a festivus. A quick google search uncovered that oddly enough, there is a real “Festivus.” “Festivus” was originally created by the American writer Daniel Lawrence O’Keefe to commemorate the first date that he had with his (then future) wife Debora on December 23rd. It was meant to intimate a feeling of “excellence,” “joviality” and “liveliness.” “A Festivus For The Rest Of Us” originally referred to those family members remaining after the death of O’Keefe’s mother Jeanette. His son, Daniel O’Keefe, grew up to become a sitcom writer. Based on this real life story with a few changes, Daniel Jr. gave us a hysterical and truly memorable Seinfeld episode.
The true origins from the O’Keefe family seem to be rather sentimental and touching. However, in terms of the younger O’Keefe’s script, as with separation and divorce, the reality is a bit more complicated.
In light of this new discovery my thoughts kept returning to my work and what “Festivus” looks like in reality in my line of work.
Part of the Seinfeld “Festivus” tradition includes the annual “airing of grievances.” As the character Frank Costanza describes: “I GOTTA LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE…NOW YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!!!” (yes, he yelled).
I know and have read about some divorce attorneys actually promoting the “Airing Of Grievances” as a normal part of the divorce process (and advocating for it as a “healthy” part at that). Yet I can’t help but feel a moment of pause with this perspective.
“The Airing Of Grievances” unfortunately seems to be an integral part of the emotional divorce process but not the actual divorce court process. The legal divorce process is now generally a “no-fault process “designed to divide assets and debts, nothing more.
During the divorce process you believe that only you know all the challenges you have faced, not only in your own personal life, but also in the experiences you have had during the time with your partner well before you stepped into court. You feel the courts need to know all of this information or least let you tell your side of the story so at least you feel validated. However the courts aren’t about validation. The courts will push you to settle within their set legal parameters and you end up feeling like your divorce just doesn’t fit the courts’ view of fair. So you end up feeling very frustrated in the divorce process as the courts try to shove your square peg life into their compartmentalized legal round holes.
Unfortunately, the separation of assets and debts has nothing to do with healing, resolving emotional challenges or raising emotionally healthy children. Courts are ok at dividing property but children are not property. As for custody, the courts do the best they can with their skill set to design custody schedules for parents and children. However, the courts are made up of lawyers not sociologists or counselors. So although parents and children may be in a better position to determine the best parenting plans, because the parents are so emotionally overwrought over their divorce they tend to simply hand over their power to determine the best schedule for their children when they step into the courts.
In my experience, “Airing Of Grievances” can very easily (and most often does) fall into the realm of endlessly maintaining a score of “who did what” and “when.” It can be a source of continued rumination on the hurt and harm people have received at the hands of their partner/spouse during their time together (as well as after any relationship has ended).
I must be honest. In my view, focusing on these things, as if on an endlessly looping, repeating tape, does not resolve anything. It certainly does not help YOU move forward with your life as a person, with relation to your “ex.” It certainly does not make life any easier or emotionally healthier for any children you may have. I regret to say and I would not have believed it myself if I have not seen it to be so common a result in my more than 34 years of practicing family law, with respect to children, this kind of “airing of grievances” causes more harm to the welfare and stability of your children than you can possibly imagine.
Separation and divorce are profoundly painful and disorienting. But as intensely difficult as this is, it doesn’t mean that it has to be any specific person’s “fault.” As unbelievable as it may sound, it doesn’t have to be anyone’s “fault.” That’s why even the courts embraced this concept, decades ago, when states began to allow no fault divorces based on “irreconcilable differences” or “no fault.”
Endlessly rehashing injustices and grievances about your “ex” does not heal or make things right or fair. It does not resolve disagreements or issues. It does not resolve practical, everyday problems with a relationship which has fallen apart. It most certainly doesn’t address the real life challenges your children and you as their parents are facing day to day.
The hurt, pain, disappointment and betrayal one feels after the breakup of a marriage or divorce are best under the care of a qualified therapist. A qualified therapist can help you process and heal and empower you to be ready to face not only the challenges you may have faced and continue to face during the course of your own life, but also with regard to your “ex.”
The parallels between the Story of Festivus and the demise of a marriage are striking. The history of Festivus started out from sweet seeds of sentimentality and grew from those origins into a rose bush of satirical parody whose thorns prick with the airing of grievances. The same way the sweet beginnings of a marriage that blooms into a life together ends with pricking the couple with its thorns of disappointment, betrayal and distrust as the marriage ends in divorce.
From a mediation standpoint “The Airing Of Grievances” isn’t really productive. My job, as a Marriage Mediator, is to serve as a facilitator to help couples smooth the transition between an unworkable relationship to a healing path forward. I help couples divorcing start to feel in control of the process of divorce by holding a safe space for them where each person will feel heard and acknowledged and informed, not attacked or blamed. I help lead them to a calm space where they can together make decisions that best suit their family based on their intimate knowledge of the lives and what will work best for them, not based on a cold general set of laws. Through mediation, I help my clients, through their divorce mediation, reconfigure, not destroy, all that they as a couple have built together during their marriage, so that it survives to benefit them and their children going forward. Contact us today for a consultation.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/festivus-makes-a-mess-of-us-the-airing-of-grievances-in-divorce/
It is republished with the permission from the author.
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Collaborative Divorce Process
The collaborative divorce process can vary by jurisdiction and the professionals who become involved in your case. However, generally, the process is described best as “representation without litigation.” Collaborative divorce is a mix between a traditional divorce because it involves attorneys, and divorce mediation, where couples reach an agreement on their own through discussions facilitated by a mediator.
Lawyers retained for the collaborative divorce process are specifically trained to reach “win-win” settlements instead of “win- lose” outcomes. This is because Collaborative attorneys serve as advocates not only for what is best for their clients but for what is fair and just for all involved.
In the collaborative divorce process, all the professionals involved in your matter are interested in helping you and your spouse resolve your legal issues in an amicable fashion without litigation. Anything that is shared during the collaborative divorce process is confidential and cannot be used in litigation if the collaborative divorce process fails.
The process generally involves the following steps:
Each spouse hires a collaborative attorney, who has been trained in the collaborative law process. One attorney cannot ethically represent both sides because an attorney is hired to advocate for only one party, their client.
The spouses and their attorneys sign a collaborative contract that sets out the terms of the process which requires the parties to agree to “collaborate” in the divorce process in order to reach an amicable settlement. If an agreement cannot be reached and the case goes to court, the agreement also states that the spouses’ attorneys cannot represent their clients in the litigation process. The spouses would then have to hire new attorneys to represent them in litigating their case in the courts.
The spouses will meet with their attorneys alone and individually to discuss his or her most favorable vision for a parenting plan, child support, spousal support and property division.
Then the two attorneys and the spouses will also meet together in joint sessions to discuss their client’s position. In these initial meetings the attorneys lay the groundwork for the process in the future to discuss what issues the spouses agree upon and which need to be negotiated.
As the meetings progress, other professionals such as accountants, business appraisers, certified divorce financial analysts, accountants, real estate agents and/or and mental health professionals can be brought into the meetings to assist the spouses in reaching agreements. These professionals remain neutral during the collaborative process. With the help of these professionals working together with the parties, the spouses can make the best-informed decisions that are focused on the specific needs of their family.
Certified Divorce Financial Analysts – Certified divorce financial analysts are neutrals who help you and your spouse have a better understanding of what your finances may look like post-divorce. In this way, these financial neutrals help support you and your spouse by helping you understand your cash flow and financial situation as you negotiate a fair division of your assets and debts and calculation of support issues.
Mental Health Professional – These professionals often serve as the facilitators in joint collaborative discussions with you and your spouse and your attorneys. They help diffuse the emotional issues that may arise between the two of you during the collaborative divorce process meetings. These professionals also remain neutral as you and your spouse discuss parenting and financial issues and do not represent either you or your spouse.
Child Specialist/ Parenting Coordinator – In addition to the mental health professional, a child specialist or parenting coordinator may be involved to support you and your spouse in the collaborative process. This specialist may support the two of you and your child to have a smoother transition during this emotional time. As a parenting coordinator, a mental health professional assists you both as the parents in developing a parenting place that is focused on the best interests of your child and your family while addressing each of your concerns as a parent.
Real Estate Broker/ Business Appraisers/ Accountants – All of these financial professionals help support you and your spouse, in a neutral way, to handle the various aspects of the division of your marital property and debt as far as the valuation or sale or transfer and/or tax implications of the division of the marital estate.
Collaborative divorce is an option for couples who feel they can work their divorce settlement themselves but still want legal protection. Although not right for everyone, collaborative divorce allows parties to end the marriage but retain a functional relationship during and after divorce.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/collaborative-divorce-process/
It is republished with permission from the author.
#collaborative divorce#collaborative divorce process#divorce#divorce process#collaborative divorce lawyer#collaborative divorce attorney
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10 Things to Consider When Picking a Divorce Mediator
Facing the end of your marriage can be a very stressful life transition, especially if children are involved. Deciding how to move forward with the process can add stress and confusion. Do you choose to hire an attorney and divorce through the courts or find a divorce mediator? Below are some important things to consider when picking a divorce mediator.
PICKING A DIVORCE MEDIATOR
Divorce mediation is a more cost effective and peaceful way than hiring an attorney for couples to transition from one household to two as their marriage ends. Through divorce mediation, couples can avoid costly, painful, lengthy court battles. The couple negotiates the settlement of all the issues involved in their divorce with the assistance of a divorce mediator. Their mediator will help facilitate settlement discussions without the traditional costly legal expenses of the divorce and custody courts.
In order for the divorce mediation process to be successful, picking a divorce mediator that is right for both of you is important. Most divorce mediators offer a consultation for all those involved to determine if the process and the mediator are the right fit for the couple.
Here are ten points you should consider in deciding if divorce mediation is the right fit for both of you and if your divorce mediator is capable of helping you both through your divorce.
1. HOW MUCH DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION COST?
Divorce mediation is more cost effective because the couple will not be paying two lawyers to communicate for them but will be speaking directly to one another with the assistance of one mediator. You should ask your mediator how they charge for consultations and their services up front.
Most divorce mediators have different fee structures that allow the couple to plan for and understand exactly what the cost of their mediation will be.
Fees for divorce mediation vary depending on the complexity of the marital estate and issues at hand to be settled. After the initial consultation, the divorce mediator will quote a fee for a service that will meet the couples’ needs. If the couple wants to proceed with mediation, an agreement will be signed between the parties and the divorce mediator outlining the fee structure and the services the fee covers. The fee agreement should also cover what happens with the payment and refund of fees in the event that the mediation stops midstream either because the process stalls, one person digs in their heels or leaves the process, or the parties decide to take a break. These questions may also be raised at the initial consultation.
2. HOW DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION WORK?
This should definitely be outlined by your divorce mediator during the consultation. You should ask your divorce mediator how their mediation process works.
Generally, once the couple has retained their divorce mediator, the mediator will give the parties a list of documents and information that must be gathered. Once the information is gathered, the divorce mediator will schedule the mediation sessions to discuss the issues to be resolved.
Once agreements on all the issues have been reached, the terms and conditions of the settlement are reduced to either a memorandum of understanding which is not legally binding or a marital settlement agreement which is legally binding. The difference in these two agreements is whether or not your mediator is a licensed attorney who can prepare a legally binding settlement agreement.
The last step will be for the parties to file the final divorce paperwork with the court. Many mediators offer to assist clients with this process through their staff but the mediator will not represent them in the courts during this process.
3. HOW LONG DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION TAKE?
A divorce mediator should be able to give you a time range for the completion of a mediation. However, generally it depends on the couples’ timeline. Generally the divorce mediation process itself takes between three to six months.
The finalization of the divorce depends on the laws of the state.
4. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BENEFITS OF DIVORCE MEDIATION OVER GOING THROUGH THE COURTS?
Your divorce mediator should be able to give a long list of reasons why divorce mediation will benefit you both in the long run.
Generally, the process is much more predictable. You will have an idea when the divorce mediation process will start and end. You will have control over the possible outcomes of the mediation process.
There is no such predictability in the courts. Couples do not have control over how the courts will rule in their case even if their lawyer can give them a best case scenario.
5. IS DIVORCE MEDIATION LEGALLY BINDING?
Divorce mediators who are serving a party strictly as a mediator and who are not licensed to practice law can only draft memorandums of understanding memorializing the terms and conditions agreed upon by the couple in divorce mediations. A memorandum of understanding is not a legally binding document per se. In order to create a legally binding marital settlement agreement incorporating all the terms and conditions agreed upon as outlined in a memorandum of understanding, the couple must take the memorandum to a licensed attorney to draft a legally binding marital settlement agreement or if their mediator is a licensed attorney, the divorce mediator can serve as a drafter of the legally binding marital settlement agreement as well.
You will need to ask you mediator if they will be able to prepare your marital settlement agreement or only a memorandum of understanding.
6. IS DIVORCE MEDIATION THE RIGHT ANSWER FOR BOTH OF YOU?
The divorce mediator should be able to give you an idea if mediation will work for both of you after the initial consultation.
Divorce mediation is for those couples who are committed to reaching mutually agreeable and beneficial agreements within the divorce settlement negotiations. Mediation is not for those couples seeking revenge or punishment of the other party.
Divorce mediation will not be successful unless the parties are willing to compromise. Having a “my way or the highway” attitude will doom the success of any divorce mediation from the start.
7. WILL DIVORCE MEDIATION CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY EX?
Any good divorce mediator will tell you that their goal is to improve communications between the couple for the long run. This is accomplished by the divorce mediator facilitating and modeling productive, neutralizing communications for the divorcing couple.
However, if one spouse (or both ) is violent, has severe mental health issues or severe substance abuse issues, a mediator may advise couples to seek other avenues for resolving their divorce.
8. IS DIVORCE MEDIATION PUBLIC?
Divorce mediation sessions are private and confidential. The parties meet with the divorce mediator in the mediator’s office. The couple never has to go to the public courts to settle their divorce other than to file their final divorce paperwork which is generally sealed by the courts as well.
9. DO I STILL NEED A LAWYER TO REPRESENT ME IN MEDIATION?
Ending a marriage is a legal process. Most divorce mediators will not encourage lawyers to attend mediation sessions. In fact some mediators prohibit their clients from having legal representation during the mediation process. However all divorce mediators recommend that their clients consult with a divorce attorney to ensure that their clients are well informed of their legal rights. In addition, clients will need a divorce attorney to either prepare or review their final marital settlement agreement.
10. ASK YOUR DIVORCE MEDIATOR WHY DIVORCE MEDIATION WITH THEM AS YOUR MEDIATOR WILL BENEFIT YOU AS A COUPLE.
As you are in the process of picking a divorce mediator, you should ask during the consultation why they think mediation is the right fit for you and your spouse.
You should also ask your divorce mediator about their professional experience and their success rate with mediation cases reaching final settlement. Raise any issues or concerns you have about the possibility of success or failure in your mediation with your divorce mediator.
In the end, you are picking a divorce mediator who is right for you if you both feel a connection with the divorce mediator personally and feel confident in their ability. If you are both committed to settling your divorce in an amicable way that benefits both of you, then dive in; mediation waters can be very healing.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/10-things-to-consider-when-picking-a-divorce-mediator/
It is republished with permission from the author.
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Common Questions about Divorce Mediation
If your marriage is coming to an end, this can be a very stressful life transition, especially if there are children involved. Many couples think that their only option is to “lawyer up” during a divorce. What most couples don’t realize as they start down this road is that this can be a very expensive proposition. Once a lawyer is hired to represent someone in a custody or divorce suit, they will be paying for every single phone call, email or paper their attorney and/or their support staff touches in their case. So if your lawyer charges the going rate of $300 per hour or $75 to $150 per hour for their staff, you will be billed for every tenth of an hour each of these professionals spend on your one email sent. That means one email could cost you $100 or more. Those kind of expenses may not be in everyone’s budget.
But there is a better way- Divorce Mediation. Mediation is a much more cost effective and peaceful way for couples to transition from one household to two as their marriage ends. Through divorce mediation, couples can avoid costly, painful, lengthy court battles. The couples, not the courts, will negotiate the settlement of all the issues involved in their divorce including property matters, support payments and custody sharing. This is accomplished through the assistance of a divorce mediator who will help facilitate settlement discussions between the couple without the traditional costly legal expenses of the divorce and custody courts.
Most divorce mediators have different fee structures that allow the couple to plan for and understand exactly what the cost of their divorce mediation will be. In addition, divorce mediation is more cost effective because the couple will not be paying two lawyers to communicate for them but will be speaking directly to one another with the assistance of one divorce mediator.
COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE MEDIATION
Below are some answers to common questions about divorce mediation that I hear. These may help you determine if mediation is right for you.
WHAT IF MY SPOUSE AND I DON’T TALK?
Divorce mediators are skilled at facilitating peaceful conversations between divorcing couples. So long as the couple is committed to resolving their differences in a more amicable way instead of through the adversarial process of the courts, divorce mediation can work for most couples. This is because divorce mediation actually helps instill in couples a better way to communicate about important issues. This can be very helpful for the couple going forward as they may face future difficult conversations such as those surrounding their children even after the divorce mediation ends. In addition, a divorce mediator will often encourage each person to have their own emotional support such as a therapist who can also help the couples learn better communication skills individually.
WHAT IF I AM AFRAID OF MY SPOUSE?
A divorce mediator works to establish a safe space for both parties to discuss important issues in their divorce. A skilled divorce mediator serves as neutral facilitator who will intervene during difficult discussions in order to balance any power struggles between the couples surrounding the issue being discussed. However, if there has been any domestic violence between the parties, divorce mediation may not be the best route to settle divorce issues.
CAN I CONSULT WITH AN ATTORNEY BEFORE I BEGIN DIVORCE MEDIATION?
It can be helpful to consult with an attorney to understand what you may be entitled to under the law during a divorce. However, any attorney will tell you that there are no guarantees in court. In addition, couples can decide what works best for them and their family in their marital settlement agreement which does not have to follow any particular court guidelines.
CAN I TAKE AN ATTORNEY TO REPRESENT ME AT THE DIVORCE MEDIATION?
Attorneys may be consulted outside of the divorce mediation sessions but the parties can’t participate in mediation sessions if they are represented by attorneys in certain states. If a person wants to try a peaceful settlement route but still wants to retain an attorney, they may consider hiring a collaboratively trained lawyer who could represent them in settlement discussions without litigation. However, collaborative law settlements are not as cost effective as divorce mediation settlements.
IS DIVORCE MEDIATION LEGALLY BINDING?
Divorce mediators who are serving a party strictly as a mediator and who are not licensed to practice law can only draft memorandums of understanding memorializing the terms and conditions agreed upon by the couple in divorce mediations. A memorandum of understanding is not a legally binding document per se. In order to create a legally binding marital settlement agreement incorporating all the terms and conditions agreed upon as outlined in a memorandum of understanding, the couple must take the memorandum to an attorney to draft a legally binding marital settlement agreement or if the mediator is a licensed attorney, the divorce mediator can serve as a drafter of the legally binding marital settlement agreement as well.
WHY IS DIVORCE MEDIATION BETTER THAN GOING TO COURT?
The courts are adversarial. They teach people how to fight. The decisions made in court are the result of what the lawyers and the judges say not what the parties want or decide. If the couple has children, the adversarial court system can cause even more bitterness between the couple which can make co-parenting even more difficult which in turn can be very harmful to the children involved.
In short, it may be worthwhile for any couple facing divorce to consider investigating mediation as an option. Contact me with if you have further questions about divorce mediation.
Blog is originally published at: https://divorcedonedifferentlypa.com/common-questions-about-divorce-mediation/
It is republished with permission from the author.
#divorce mediation#divorce#family law#divorce attorney#divorce lawyer#legal services#family law attorney#family law lawyers
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