dontwriteinthisoneplz

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.27.17

Every year for my birthday we go to Rainbow River and tube and then go to some restaurant and it’s very family oriented and I love it. Sometimes my dad can’t go tubing because he has work but I always understand. He always makes it for dinner. As do my grandparents~shoutout to Nana and the homemade cake~. Well this time my mom decided that instead we’d tube the day after my birthday (Saturday) so my dad could make it. Of course I’m happy he’ll be there but he’s still taking off work?? And I had this great plan where we would do the whole family deal on Friday (true day of birth) then Saturday I would get dressed all cute and do the St. Pete market, the Dalí museum, go to some vegan place, and just wander. Then I’d go to Papa Fred’s to sleep over and eat some peanut butter cookie ice cream or maybe branch out because I’m 19 now and why not? Then I’d wanna take a bath in their giant tub and use TWO bath bombs (because that tub could fit a glorious baby whale/boisterous otter family) and read my books and get prune-y fingers that make turning the pages feel unfamiliar. But who would I do it with?

Everyone else just feels like an inadequate replacement to you and it truly sucks. Not only does finding a temporary fill-in continuously fail but again, my mom threw off my plans. Now I’m supposed to figure out something to do tomorrow since I’d really like to do something Emma related on my birthday since tubing is pushed back. But my dad is working. My mom is working. Elly is working at Your Pie. Birdie wants to go to Your Pie to see Elly and her buds that are working there. And Lily is just a wild card and idk if we’ll have chemistry tomorrow. And I’m having a very “non-tolerant of most of my friends” thing where I only want to hang out with two people that are actually in Tampa. And guess what? One of them is working. Honestly the other is probably too. 

Worst thing is I went to the Humane Society two days ago so I can’t even do that because my heart can only handle that bi-monthly.

I’m not one for tradition but birthdays are such a thing in my family. I work my butt off every couple months making sure everyone’s is great. As long as I get to do Emma things with people I love I’m satisfied. But I’m overthinking tomorrow because my birthday is the ONE thing I usually have together and it is so far from being together and my stomach hurts. I don’t even want dinner so you know something’s up. 

Maybe the timing is bad and it’s just because I really really really really miss you and I’ve been staying up until 5am and getting in fights with my mom and a whole bunch of little things. When I was younger I would cry more often and have baby breakdowns but in a healthy way if that makes sense? But I honestly haven't just let myself do that until the other night when my cousins just pissed me off so incredibly much. I was just telling my dad why they were annoying and I was crying and repeating that I knew I was being irrational. Joke is he had fallen asleep about two minutes in so ha.And now I can’t help but feel even more full of tight air every time someone doe something that bothers me and I can’t say a peep. If it was my sisters I’d just let it out because that’s what we do and I’m so grateful for that unconditional love. I feel guilty about taking advantage of it. But my mom is so freaking sensitive it makes me want to eat all of my own hair. And Micah is being narcissistic and she doesn’t know the full extent of it so it’s infuriating. 

You really are just one of a kind and you have spoiled me.

I know you are flowers and sunshine and sweet little bunny kisses so thank you for absorbing my frustration and tummy aches today.  Writing it out helped and my heart feels better. I’ll probably just get some cartilage piercing tomorrow in Ybor and call it a success. You heard it here first folks.

I really did think so many times about posting here and didn’t. Now what? Months of undocumented thoughts I wanted to share with you. I don’t want this to happen again.

-e

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

Emma is squatting.

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

9.29.16

Hello my lovely little munch nugget. I feel like absolute poop for not being able to talk to you more than I have been. I have been in a whirlwind trying to get settled in this wonderful place. The people here are nothing short of spectacular, but the process of making friends is going slower than I thought. It’s most likely because I had the highest of high expectations for the people and friends I would meet here and didn’t account completely for the fact that most friendships take time. In a way, I’m glad that it hasn’t all been happening at once. I have been getting closer and closer to my roommate everyday and I can’t wait for you to meet her. You guys will love each other. I’ve been hanging out with Joe and Garry a good amount which is awesome, because they are the coolest of guys. You would also love them. I know money is tight right now and I totally understand. I don’t want to put pressure on you to come visit as soon as possible. I just want you to came some time in the future, whether its in 4 months or 4 years. Have a splendid day!

Confession time: I left our 2 friendship bracelets in my sister’s friend’s car when we were driving to a farmers market during the LSP summer program I did here and I’ve been freaking out internally ever since about finding them. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to be a sucky friend. BUT I saw my sister’s friend the other day and asked her to check her car and she did and she said she found them!!!! YAY! 

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

9.12.16

How do you handle things so incredibly well? Though you might not be able to see it through the flurry of emotions you no doubt feel, know that you made the right choices. Do not feel guilty for being unable to resist holding his hand for a short moment. Do not feel guilty for telling him you love him. For in the end no matter how painful it was for you...you let go. He may think that you put him through unnecessary pain but you saved him from a hopeless longing which would hurt more and ache even longer. 

I still remember coming over just after he left for Europe, when you were huddled in the corner of your bed with your head in your shirt. Sobbing. Sniffling. Just taking in ragged gasps of breath. All I could do was be there for you, which is what I intend to do now even if I cannot physically hold and soothe you. 

But don’t be so quick to forget all that’s happened since then. The passion with Kyle and the deep understanding with Joe. I’m not saying you’re going to forget about him by next week. I just want you to remember what you already know. He was not the one. If a book only had one good chapter at the end it wouldn’t be worth the read. It doesn’t matter how wonderful of a chapter he was, he was not the last one. That doesn’t take away from his greatness. It doesn’t mean his chapter didn’t matter, it was essential for your story. Your story isn’t a tragedy, but a coming of age tale. His chapter needed to be there so that you could grow and learn. He was a great love but he isn’t destined to be your greatest love. 

I mean no disrespect to him, but while he was breathing but he wasn’t the kind of alive I know you crave. He had personality but you need that and pizazz. He was funny but you need that and fire. He was charming but you need that and a constant challenge. 

You are so beautiful and compassionate and lovely. You need to be ready to break a lot of hearts because so many people are going to fall for you. It’s inevitable. 

No matter how much I love your smile, know it’s okay to tuck it away every once and awhile. Let me know when you can’t smile anymore. I know I can do the same. Love you infinitely 

-e

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

09.11.16

*points that particularly triggered crying (if I’m explaining something that happened then it means that I cried in that scene, but if I am expressing my emotions or elaborating on how I felt about something that happened then I that means that I sobbed while writing that particular part)

(Just to set the scene for if we read this later on: Frank and I broke up earlier this summer and everything seemed to have split cleanly, but there was still sporatic communication. He came back in town from Georgia Tech to see me for a weekend before I went off to Stanford.) 

Its all actually over. Almost 2 years after we got together and we are right were we started. Strangers. All the comfort, closeness, warm fuzzy feelings are just brushed off. I had no idea what I was expecting from this weekend. Half of me wanted to just grab his face and kiss him, but the sensible half knew it would not make anything better in the long term. He tried so extremely hard to win me over and it was the sweetest thing. I hated so much that I wasn’t enjoying it and I had to turn him down after all he did. We met at the park where we always used to hammock, because hammocking was our favorite. He wore the one shirt I loved in his closet, a jean-like blue quarter sleeved button down. His hair was grown out just how I liked it and it wasn’t gelled, I always hated it when he wore gel because it wasn’t as fun to run my hands through. He was so polite and sweet, but he was cautious, quite, and closed off. We talked for a while sitting at the picnic table where I eventually drenched in sweated and complained enough about the heat to go buy acai bowls. HE TURNED VEGAN. He told me that he had been eating vegan for 3 weeks now. He didn’t really tell many people about it because he’s embarrassed about it. His parents are uncomfortable with it because they are meat people. They grew up in the south and grilled all the time. I was so happy and surprised. After acai, we rove back to the park and talked in the car. We gave me a letter* that we wrote me on the plane ride here. It basically said that he had never stopped thinking about me and I kept him up at night and that he was not over me at all and he has been trying to distract himself by piling on so much work, but it never works. We talked for 4 hours after that in his hot car. At first I listened a lot and tried to console him by telling him that I was having similar feelings. i told him that I really missed him too. I told him that everyone has their own ways of coping and mine just makes me seem like I’m super happy and over it because I socialize to distract myself from him. Which is kind of a twisted truth. i did miss him, but I was happy and enjoying my life. I had made so many new friends at Stanford and I was kinda getting pretty decent attention from other guys. But I couldn’t let him know that. I was just trying to make him feel better, but I was also unintentionally leading him on. He told me that his mom advised him not to get too invested in people at this age. His words were “my mom was right”. From what he was saying, he regretted our relationship. I asked him if that was the case and he didn’t  answer. *I told him that I don’t regret our relationship at all because I got to know him and open up to him and love him. He asked me my opinion on long distance and I responded that I didn’t think it would work in the long run because you are not growing together, you’re constantly growing and changing apart. There are going to be a lot of holes in the conversation because I don’t exactly remember a lot of it. It was 4 hours for god sakes. He told me about him he has stayed up so many nights thinking about how to get over me, making lists of things he could change about himself, trying to make himself hate me, scripting conversations we would have this weekend to have responds. He closely anticipated my texts and calls. Those were his main sources of happiness and relief. This might sound creepy and desperate to an outsider, but to me it was so sweet and sad. I hated that I cause all of this. That I was the face he saw constantly that was leading to so much instability. Especially because it’s not like him. He loves being constantly put together and self-controlled. I  have never seen him so sad and restless. I have never seen anyone so sad. He told me that he went vegan 10% for his health and 90% for me. Keep in mind that he was the most meat-eating person before this. Going vegan was against is whole culture and nature and I had pushed him to try to alter himself to try to gain my approval. I had told him so many time before that I wasn’t going to change my mind. Nothing would change my mind and he knew that. He explicitly told me many times that he knew that. But he hope so much hope, faith, loneliness, love, and sorrow swelling in him. I told me he still loved me. I felt so pressured to say it back. I stalled for a little while he told me that he didn’t expect me to say it. I ended up saying it anyways. Partially because I felt so incredibly bad for him and partially because it was kinda true. I still loved him because we were to great together and he made me happy, but I knew that he wasn’t the one. But he was so dead straight positive that I was the one. He knew it and he was not going to give up. I told him to let me go so many times. Let me go, I don’t want you to be a back-up, I don’t want you to wait for me. Him: I wish I could but I can’t, I’m want to be your back-up, I’m waiting because I believe you are worth it. He told me that before me, he had planned to be single all his life, just make a lot of money, travel, and get a dog. *I had made him fall in love with the idea of marriage and a family. He told me that he had found happiness like nothing else with me and he never wanted to stop fighting for it. Because I was worth it. I felt so awful and pressure and heartbroken that I didn’t feel the same way. That I knew he wasn’t the one I wanted to be with. He was sure, but I was sure too. At one point I asked him to hold his hand, which was so wrong of me. I was leading him on even more just so I could feel a little bit more comfortable. He planned to wait for me forever. He was willing to spend so much of his life lingering on my texts and waiting for me. If he couldn’t get me, he didn’t think he deserved love. He didn’t see himself as loveable in such a deep way. He cherished that I had loved him so deeply and didn’t think that he could find that again. Throughout the whole second part of this conversation, I kept repeating to him that he deserves love. I told him “if you remember only one thing from this relationship, remember that you deserve love. On that note, I also realized that this couldn’t end softly. I let go of his hand telling him that what I was doing was wrong. It couldn’t end the way I wanted it to.  I had been trying so hard to make sure that it was a nice, friendly break up where we would still talk every once in a while, but that was driving him insane. As long I still talked to him, he would have faith. I asked him if cutting all communication would work. Long pause. He said that he knew it would work because it animal instinct to forget about the things that just weren’t there because we would be dead to each other. He said it would work, but he would rather have spurts of happiness when I talked to him than just complete sadness. My thinking was that he needed he needed to be completely and utterly broken to start healing. I had tried to be soft in so many ways, but it wasn’t working. It told him that he had to hate me. He could move on if he hated me. So from that point on, I tried to make him hate me. I restricted expressions of love. I told him about Kyle. I told him about my crush on Joe. I told him that I couldn’t ever see us getting back together. (keep in mind that this whole conversation was full of long silent pauses. We basically paused for a good while between everything we said.) W: You deserve love. You deserve it so much. But you’re never going to find it if you don’t believe that you deserve it. Please please please know that you are an amazing, sweet, lovable person that deserves love and happiness.

(long pause)

W: ***You deserve love. But you can’t get it from me.

(***long pause)

F: (loud) ***Because you don’t love me. Just say it. Say you don’t love me.

(***super super long pause)

W: ***Frank, you deserve love.

(***super long pause)

W: *******I don’t love you. (short pause) ****** I should go. ****** ( I run out of his car, hurry into my car, and drive away sobbing.)

That was the end of that day. I left him there, the most broken he had ever been. Alone. Miserable. I was the person that he was most comfortable with. The person he could tell everything to. Someone that made him feel loved, secure, and happy. I had taken all that away for him in four words. I had stained almost two years of love in three seconds. It was the hardest lie I had ever had to tell. There was no taking it back. It was over. Any light he has ever saw in us, in me, was out.

I knew it was best for both of us. We both needed it. To heal, to move on. I just wish I have to completely destroy something to magical. I’m still so confused about my feelings. I love him, but he’s not the one. Maybe I just invested so much in him and loved him for so long that I can’t help, but eternally care about him.

He texted me the next day saying this: I'm sorry how things turned out yesterday. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry I came back. That was a poor interpretation on my part. I'll be at the park finishing math homework around 2, enjoying the heat and living out the remaining time in Tampa before I am take off. Thanks for at least listening to what I have to say.

So I went to the park and waited for him. When I saw him I went over and sat next to him at the picnic table. He asked, “what are you doing here?” Apparently he wasn’t asking or expecting me to meet him there, he just wanted to do math. I asked him if I should go and leave him to do his work. “You don’t have to leave, but I think it would be appropriate.” I stared at him confused, shocked, and a bit annoyed then left saying “bye frank” very softly. Is it just me or did it totally soundly like he was asking me to meet him?! He gave me a place and time. It was at the park where we always meet. That park is so far away from his house so he would not go there just to do math homework??? He was so empty though. I felt no love coming from him anymore. He was stern with me. He was blank faced. *His stare was harsh for the first time. All his softness towards me had vanished. In that moment, I was timid, scared, nervous, sad. **I was no longer beautiful to him, I was no longer sexy, I was no longer the cute, sweet, funny girl that he loved. I was something he wanted to push away. Something he didn’t even want to look at. It’s for the best. He will heal. I will be okay. He will get better. That’s what’s important. He will be okay.

I want to note that I know it’s for the best. I know that it I will be glad I am not tied down in college. I will meet so many new and amazing people very soon and I cannot wait for that. I have so much to look forward to and so much to be happy about. I have the best people in the world who care about me, support me, love me, and want to see me happy. I love you Emma and all that you do for me. I can’t thank you enough for listening, caring, not judging, overlooking my spelling/grammar mistakes, always being there for me, and being the most incredible friend I have ever had. I have so much to be thankful for and this is just the beginning.

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

9.2.16

“home is roughly four hours away”

I cannot express how excited I am for you to be coming back even though I will be leaving shortly. Although I have made new friends and spent time with old ones, there is absolutely no one here like you. Not that I expected there to be. I have a lot of work to do this weekend but will gladly procrastinate almost all of it to see you. I don’t think I had a single proper food baby during my first few weeks in Gainesville. Please help me fix this 

-e

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

8.22.16

 HAPPY FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE!!! Blossom like the radiant little sunflower you are in the low-key way you do. Kill those classes and good luck trying to save money on textbooks. You know I’m always here for moral, emotional, and unconditional support. Not going to lie, I know college will be a long ride on a big struggle bus, but we shall cruise in the back, frequently getting tossed around by the devil driving our lives. But also chilling and eating and missing the dearest and embracing cool new peeps. Tell me all about it when you can. Always here for you love. <3

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

8.1.16

"There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin." -Hozier

This night is how I have always pictured teenage years: not just mine, but the modern concept in its most general form. Everything about this day screams, radiates, and shamelessly bursts what it is to be eighteen. Sitting there under a moonless blanket of stars and cosmos with my best friend’s silhouette shoulder deep in the warm caressing ocean. All things seen only in a spectrum of grays. A distant lighthouse lapping our eyes, while luminescent plankton follow our bare bums and wrinkled palms around like sparklers. Never would I have thought that the grim black of twelve-am would be so well accessorized by so many forms of light. From the soft glitter of the plankton to the waving beam of the lighthouse, the steady glow of house porches to the bite of sparse lightening, and the all-consuming sea that mimicked all these lights forcing them to dance on its glass. There was only the charming song of the current playfully passing over seashells, like a thousand microscopic xylophones all ringing in disarray. The air was composed of nothing but peace, sea breeze, and the undeniable admiration for the other’s companionship. These things were not acknowledged or spoken about, but felt: in an almost fleeting sort of way. Instead we talked, on the 1st of August, of this month that we started together. A month that was sure to end more different than ever: with new company, in new cities, with old hopes and new worries.  It was something I wanted to paint, something I wanted to write about and document so we could remember in crisp detail how mystical and spirited we were at eighteen. To remember that moments like these weren’t merely the object of dreams that we vaguely recalled in the morning, then never again. To remind ourselves, no matter our age, that there are always memories to be made.

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.23.16

At weird times like this, I’m so so so glad to have you to talk to. I seriously don't even think I'm going to tell my sister about this anytime soon because I feel like she would judge me. But the fact that I have someone who I can actually express my real feelings to and someone who encourages me to realize those feelings is pretty damn cool. I’ve never had anyone that would take their bra off to make me feel more comfortable with my free tets or offer me their grandfathers house to get it on with a baby faced long-time bud. You're weird as hell. ( Also could we make this diary password protected because though I trust you, I would free more comfortable gushing out my feelings of love, sex, drugs, and thugs if it was electronically secure.)

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.19.16

I was watching this video and there was a girl interviewing people on the streets  asking them what they believed a “slut” was and everyone seemed to respond with the number of guys a girl had slept with. “It’s all about the quantity.” I disagree. I actually think it’s about the quality. If you bang an awesome yet different guy every single night for a week, month even, that doesn’t make you a slut. That makes you lucky. Not in the Daft Punk sense “we’re up all night to get lucky” more like hey you go girl-way to find those quality people. Hope they rocked your world. But if you’re having sex with a bunch of sucky people who are selfish and don’t make you feel good, you aren’t necessary a slut but consider changing something. Do whatever the heck you want but it should bring forth positivity or some sort of insight. In the end-fuck who you want to fuck. We only have so much time here so do what (or who) you wanna do. 

-e

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.18.16

w: should I wear a bra?

e: no

w: do you have a bra on?

e: yeah but I can take it off if you want me to (ignoring your brother ten feet from me)

w:*giggles from upstairs*

-e

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.8.16

Remember that super weird night at Korina’s? The one with Ally and Cecelia? Well after we tried getting McDonald’s at who knows when in the morning we were driving to Steak and Shake because C probably had the munchies and I was down for a small chocolate shake.  And a lot of people think she’s a slut and other assuming negative words but I can’t help but have respect for her going after what she wants. Anyways, she and I were talking about how sometimes we have this weird feeling where we just like being liked. It doesn’t usually matter who the person is. Obviously the more attractive or witty the person the better. But we were indecisive as to if it was a power thing or just an emotional “feels nice” kind of thing. Probably both. But we both admitted that sometimes we would do little things because we knew they were winners. Micah and I had a conversation like this too. Your scenario is different because you actually dated Frank but just know you aren’t alone in the whole “trying to be cute” thing. I can’t help but think how technology has stripped it down a lot where we can so obviously tell when we model pose after pose to pick the best one. 

But let’s focus on what’s more important. You. I will be back back from Boca Sunday or early Monday so we can get together-maybe make more food at my grandpa’s? Check off some summer bucket list items? And I think it’s hard for you to be ex-girlfriendly because even though there were tears you guys ended on such good and respectable terms. 

On a happy note my mom gave the in general approval of a weekend in Boca after my birthday :)

-e

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.7.16

Guy wise, I really just need to go to college. I need to get out of Tampa and get away from the guys here that I can’t have. John (a friend that I carpooled with, year older, Naval Academy) came home a couple of days ago. I went to go see him and he’s still the same cool guy that I had a little crush on before I dated Frank. (Except he grew a good looking beard.) We are totally just friends. He was like a big brother to me. But theoretically, he’d be such an awesome guy to date. He’s sweet, funny, chill, smart, kind, hardworking, fit, his family loves me, handsome, huggable, and damn I love a man in uniform. And he pinterests recipes and wants to cook with me. Ugh. I’ve kind maybe been snapchatting him and waiting for him to ask me to cook with him so we can bond and spend a bunch of time together. John doesn’t see me that way thought. On the other hand, I spent five hours on Skype with Frank yesterday doing what I told myself not to do: flirt and laugh and smile and intentionally try to be all cute. He even low key reeled me in with this awesome music festival in Atlanta. I asked him if he would come with me if I went, which is not very ex-girlfriendy of me. It was actually quite girlfriendy of me. Ironically, the one who wants me is 3479244 miles away and the guy that doesn’t is right down the street. This is why I just need to leave. And you’re still at the beach. See what happens to me when you leave. Come back home from Boca Granding it up so we can work on checking off our bucket lists please. 

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.2.16

Irony is having two whole houses to yourself and not having your best friend in town to enjoy it. It was really fun walking around naked but you can only play Mario Kart alone for so long. Whenever I found myself craving company it was yours that I craved (and peanut butter cookie ice cream of course). But finally you returned and ewdiaries was born. Just for us. Just for sharing embarrassing stories, rants and pondering questions. Just for private publications of memories I recall from a time before us. Just for posting pictures that made me think of you, that I want to show you when you aren’t by my side. You are the kindest, loveliest, most humble person I have ever met and you deserve something more than an easy text or snapchat in efforts to “keep in touch”.  I feel like this says a lot about who we are too. We are not conventional. We are deep and curious and refuse to settle for normal and mundane things. I am eternally grateful for meeting you and hope this allows me to keep meeting little parts of you forever. Here’s to always thinking of adventures and always checking them off. *clinks cups of almond milk in celebration*

-e 

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

7.2.16

This blog website diary thing is partly an attempt to make sure that we don’t stop talking to each other because that would mean I would lose my adventure buddy. Ha you’re mine forever. Its also to make myself feel a bit more secure about going to college and having no one to talk to about my flurry of problems. i know that I have known you for a really short amount of time compared to a lot of my other friends, but honestly I feel almost as comfortable with you as I do with my sister ( me and my sister walk around butt naked so we aren't quite there - yet). Meeting you really made me understand that friendship is not measured in time, but in PB cookie  pints. Which we have had a poop ton of so boom: best friends. 

-w

[dontwriteinthisoneplz]

Emma is squatting.