dying-to-be-empty00

[dying-to-be-empty00]

it's been...

4years

6months

22days

Since you left.. I miss you so much.

[dying-to-be-empty00]

I still have the seashell till this very day.

I may not have those letters M gave me so long ago anymore..... but I have a photo of me on that day and in the corner of the photo it shows all the letters she wrote for me and the seashell with red glitter.💔

[dying-to-be-empty00]

I just had a dream with M in it... we were walking together and walked to this big house and she told me about things about one of my first elementary biyfriend i ever had I had in elementary school was up too and he was dating a girlfriend/ex best friend I had and then she was like we should go visit for fun- but not as in fun more like in a ima show you what's been going on way, so we walked over to this big house. And we went in and walked into the kitchen and then greeted the the guy I dated we call him, J. So we greeted J and said hi and then my ex best friend/gf was there and her face dropped and in shock I was there but she wouldn't say anything because she didn't have a reason to kick me out if make a scene because she was the one that fucked me over but she was so mad I was hanging out with M. But M was really funny and nice in this dream and we walked around like old times... and how I could feel her hand just like all the way back then... and I felt happy... I miss you so much M... I wish I could tell you how much I miss and love you and how sorry I am. You were the best friend I had ever had. And I miss you everyday.

[dying-to-be-empty00]

I can't seem to express love in a poetic way. Not like I can with sadness. My sadness just let's me write and write but when im in love i can't seem to get the words to escape my lips, without it sounding like it is a simple I love you and I'll die without you- love is very difficult to express when it's not obsession.

[dying-to-be-empty00]

[dying-to-be-empty00]

I don’t think suicidal thoughts actually ever go away.

[dying-to-be-empty00]

Not younger sister saying her, my younger brother and mom and dad were having a good time without me or my older brother awake and I'm like oh..😀 okay- and then I started to shut down and so I left the kitchen and then She came in the bedroom and tried to talk to me and then I wasn't answering her and then she's like "Okay then" sounding slightly offended and then left the room so now I'm just like in here sitting on my bed

[dying-to-be-empty00]

sometimes I just remember the situations and the things that were said to me like they were said yesterday... I'll go on with life trying to be positive but then my father acts like an ass or something then I get teleported back to that night in 7th grade or to the nights he was really drunk. The times, the days I was emotionally effected... my family tells me to let go of what happened it happened years ago, Over or about a decade ago. But how? I'm trying.

[dying-to-be-empty00]

I wish I died from when I got alcohol poisoning 9 years ago...

[dying-to-be-empty00]

Feb... 4th... our day M...

[dying-to-be-empty00]

[dying-to-be-empty00]

I let my friend control my remote co ntrol vibwrator💀💀💀😭 too much drinking

[dying-to-be-empty00]

86

[dying-to-be-empty00]

the urge to relapse is so strong

[dying-to-be-empty00]

Thisss

[dying-to-be-empty00]

do you ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something?

[dying-to-be-empty00]

"no I know what it is. You like to control things. That's why you control your weight."

I was arguing with my parents as they made me feel selfish conscious about eating food because our money situation and how I had to pay for bread that everyone else ate. When I barley ate any of it... then my mom said that to me because I told my parents that I felt weird about eating since I didn't want to have to pay for food for everyone else.