ejlyt

[ejlyt]

Buzz: you named your daughter Bea? Like the insect?

Danny: we thought it was nice to name her after-

Buzz: -seriously a you have a child and the first thing you think to name her after is a buzzing-

Buzz:…buzz

Buzz: you named her after me?

Tim: are you crying?

Buzz: no fuck off

Wes: you’ll be crying if I find out she doesn’t have an honorary Wesley middle name

Tim: don’t you mean “I’ll be crying”

Wes: yes, you

[ejlyt]

Things that have 100% happened on patrol

Cass slipped and fell but no one dares to even think of it again

Tim spends six hours crafting a perfect battle plan just for everyone to freestyle it .02 seconds into the mission

Damian carries a box a free kittens the entire night

“Their mother is absent so I have taken her place as protector.”

It takes four (4) batkids to help someone change a tire

Jason will not stop laughing at them later

The kids regularly swing by the windows of the Gotham Children’s Hospital

The kids join a pickup basketball game

Steph obliterates everyone (no mercy)

Someone screams “I’m moving to Metropolis!” at least twice a night

Tim hails a taxi to chase a criminal

Dick live-tweets the entire night

Alfred forces Damian to wear a huge jacket on a snowy night

Tim brings his violin and provides an ongoing soundtrack

Duke and Bruce sigh exasperatedly at least ten times a night

(requests open for any type of post!)

[ejlyt]

things that 100% happened with the batfam on social media

-Tim tags bruce in every meme he laughs at

      -He thinks Bruce doesn’t even check his Instagram

      -Bruce secretly looks forward to what Tim sends him, though he barely understands half of it

-Steph has a highly successful food blog/Instagram page

-Barbara put parental restrictions on all of Damian’s accounts as a joke

      -He still hasn’t noticed

-Damian runs a twitter page that’s just animals he has encountered

      -It’s anonymous and Dick felt so proud when he found out Dami runs it

-Jason has a large following on Twitter because of his passive aggressive tweets about Gotham / superheroes

      -He started on vine (fight me on this)

      -“brb guys, just gonna take a quick dip in the pothole in front of my apartment.”

      -“I’d have better luck in an emergency calling Jimmy John’s over @GCPD because they’d show up within the hour and I’d have a sandwich”

-Bruce’s Facebook account is full of forced PR posts

      -The kids troll the comments constantly

      -The intern that runs the account is 1000% done with them

-Cass’ Instagram is full of blurry selfies and family photos

      -It’s private and only the batfamily follows it

      -They all like and comment on all of her photos

-Tim tried to go on a phone cleanse and lasted half of a day

-Kate does not have a single account on social media

      -The kids joke that they have to communicate with her through carrier pigeon or smoke signal

[ejlyt]

things the batfamily 100% did because Jason is legally dead

- interesting explanations of who the “mystery man” is whom they are seen hanging out with all of the time

-Oh, that’s just my personal chef on the weekdays, Hernando. I’m thinking about dropping him because that salmon last night was dry as the Sahara, let me tell you.”

-“Him? That’s my hairdresser, Letencio. Not sure what he’s doing in the family photo, though.”

-“I’ve never seen that man in my life.”

-He dresses up as a waiter to break into Wayne Industries parties

-Says it’s for the free champagne; it’s really to see his family

-The dead jokes are NONSTOP

-“Are you alright, Jason? You’re looking a little… ghastly.”

-“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Oh wait-“

-He dresses up as a classic ghost for Halloween but with scaly green shorts

-Bruce did not appreciate it

-Jason has his death certificate framed and hanging above his door

-Bruce does not appreciate that, either

-Whenever someone kinda catches on to Jason’s identity, Dick puts on the waterworks

-“How DARE you, disrespect my little brother like that? You are going to hell, sir, TO HELL!”

-Tim sometimes wonders what it would have been like to know Jason before his death

-How would their relationship have been different?

-Would he even have ever been robin if Jason had never died?

-Jay starts the obligatory “died, got better” club

-Members include him, Damian, Steph, and technically Bruce but he never comes to the meetings

(Thanks for the request!) (requests are open!) (art always reblogged :)

[ejlyt]

things the batfamily 100% did  when they found out  damian had a crush

Dami is not very good at hiding his crush

He turns a shade of cherry red whenever that person is even mentioned

He has a hard time expressing his feelings

In the beginning, he believes he has come down with an illness because of the butterflies in his stomach

But then he realizes it’s only when he thinks about his crush

“Hey Grayson… have you ever- I mean- not hate someone… more than anyone else? Wait, forget it-”

Dick nearly MELTS at the sight of his little brother exploring his first encounter in having a crush

Dick can’t help but think back to the time where he asked Bruce for advice about his feelings for Barbara

He tries not to think  about how that implies that Dami sees his as a parental figure, because if he did  he would absolutely crumble

Dick almost immediately spills the beans to the rest of the batkids

They set aside any qualms they may have with Damian because, damn, that kid is being really cute right now

Dick teaches him how to slow dance in the ballroom

Barbara records the interaction as she watches from the batcave

Steph and Tim tell him all about their relationship and how they got together

As they go on, they realize that he probably shouldn’t follow their example

Duke sees him before he is about to go to hang out with his crush

He is wearing a full three-piece Gucci suit

Duke immediately rectified the situation, putting him in more casual clothing and telling him to be chill

A general disturbance ripples through the manor when Damian informs them that his crush agreed to a date with him

Tables are flipped, screaming is heard, Damian is lifted into the air

That last one was a bad idea

Bruce hears the commotion from the Batcave

He smiles.

(thanks for the request!) (the request specified superboy as the crush, but I made it open to different ships as well, even reader inserts if you’re into that) (requests open for 100% posts :)

[ejlyt]

this poorly made bingo card applies to any batman comic written since 1990.

enjoy.

[ejlyt]

Okay but imagine Ferris Bueller’s Day off but instead it’s Tim and Steph coaxing Damian to ditch school and have the best day out in Gotham with them

Possibilities include:

-Instead of pretending to be Steph’s dad, Tim dresses up as Bruce and calls to say Jason died (again)

-Damian accidentally sending the bat mobile into a ditch

-Jim Gordon as Mr. Rooney

-Damian holding hands with the pre-schoolers in the museum

-Steph saying Tim is going to end up as a fry cook

-Tim calling himself the SAUSAGE KING OF GOTHAM

-The Riddler tries to bust them all day and ends up in jail with Charlie Sheen

-SAVE TIM DRAKE on the side of a Wayne Enterprises building

Just… imagine

(can you tell I’m wistful about graduating the weekend?) (send me headcanons and requests! :)

[ejlyt]

the batkids in school together

Ever since his adoption, Dick attended school with Babs in his class

They went from strangers, to close friends, to awkwardly pining for each other all through middle school

Dick putting innocent (and adorable) “secret admirer” post-its on Bab’s locker

The boy has such unique handwriting that it was obviously him

Being lab partners before Babs moved to personal, advanced science classes

Alfred would pick Dick up from Barbara’s house because he insisted on walking with her

Jason arrived just as Dick was graduating highschool

Dick’s charisma and good nature pulled Jason out of a lot of potential fights in the rough period of his first couple weeks

Jason was (not so) secretly jealous of the huge friend group Dick was able to attract naturally

Barbara advocated for Jason to be put in honors classes, because she knew he could handle it

Dick and Barbara made sure Jason was remembered after his death

Memorial scholarship in his name donated by the Wayne Foundation

A plaque in the main hallway

A revamp to the library in his old school near crime alley, dedicated to him

Tim does not have many classes with Stephanie, but he makes sure to find her at lunch and in the hallways

They sometimes planned on getting the hall passes of their different classes at the same time so they could meet up

Tim tries to break academic records set by Babs; Steph tries to break athletic records set by Dick

They had one (1) class together in their entire careers 

It was an art class they both took because they needed the credit

Their desks were separated on the first day

When Damian comes, the school is filled with chatter and gossip about the new Wayne boy

Tim, although outrightly disliking the boy at this stage in their relationship, thought it was good that he may make some friends here

Tim and Steph both quickly noticed that Dami was having a hard time adjusting and that people were talking about him behind his back

He was a brat but they were still family, so queue protective batkids mode

Steph spreads good rumors about him: about his athleticism, his love for animals, how many languages he knows, etc.

 Tim secretly starts a campaign for Dami to be his class president, and people voted him in

He relished the leadership opportunity and became more comfortable at school  

To this day, he doesn’t know that Tim did this

(I was gonna try to weave cass, duke, and some tt/yj kids in here but the post was getting long and I wasn’t sure about their exact ages in relation to the boys) (lemme know if you would want a part 2 or to focus on a specific character or something) (send me requests / headcanons :)

[ejlyt]

things duke 100% has done at pride (+the batfam)

Of course the entire batfam attends Gotham Pride every year

Wayne Enterprises sponsors the event

They attend as LGBTQ+ themselves or strong allies

Duke literally did not know this was a thing until he saw Dick with no shirt and a feather boa riding on some man’s shoulders

He comes every year with his friends anyway

Dick hands him another boa and he does not take it off for the rest of the day

(he still has it hanging in his room at the manor)

(has gone out with it on patrol after pride)

(Has also worn a rainbow flag as a cape out on patrol)

Duke eventually finds himself riding on Kate’s shoulders

Duke, being the literal ray of sunshine he is, becomes somewhat a legend at Gotham Pride

He leads chants and dances

Has the most career-ending clap backs to protestors

People greet him by name when passing on the street year round just because his presence at Pride

Talks to Bruce and creates a fund to assist at-risk LGBTQ+ youth in Gotham, to be given away at Pride every year

Rainbow face paint that stained his skin for, like, a week

Cosplays as Captain Jack Harkness one year

Brings a backpack stuffed with water and snacks so no one he meets is dehydrated/starving

Advocates for more LGBTQ+ events throughout the year

The annual “Wayne Enterprises LGBTQ+ Gala and Drag Performance presented by Duke Thomas” is the must-attend event of every year

He makes the front page of the biggest Gotham newspaper in an article about pride

Bruce cuts it out and hangs it in his office

(happy pride month!!) (i love one (1) duke thomas and am ashamed i don’t have more content with him) (request away lovelies!)

[ejlyt]

things that have 100% happened in the batfam group chat (part 2)

part 1  add to this post :)

Too many name changes to count

From “sidekickz” to “duke thomas fanclub”

To “the real gcpd”

To “jim gordon hotline”

To “babs is making me apologize for changing the name”

To “kill the joker june 17 all invited”

Bruce confiscated their phones for 1 week after that because nobody fessed up to it

They were banned from patrol that night

Ended up staying in and watching the bachelorette

They send photos of every tabloid Bruce is on the cover of

Steph: “stumbled upon this at the convenience store; B needs a stern talking to”

Attached is a picture of a paper with the headline “KING OF GOTHAM SECRET AFFAIR?” and a picture of bruce looking shocked with lipstick around his mouth

(it was really because at a corporate dinner tim order raspberry margarita slushies for the entire WE board and he had to have it as to not look rude)

Cassandra sends pictures of every dog she sees when she’s out on runs

Texting in the gc when they get kidnapped and the criminal didn’t know they have a second phone

“Guys this riddler-ripoff is trying to make me solve puzzles”

“Hold on; we’re almost there”

“Nah, take your time. God knows i need some brain stimulation once in a while.”

Sending mid-fight selfies

A picture of Dick smiling into the camera while the penguin loads a machine gun behind him was Jay’s lock screen for a while

One text is sent and 10 separate “dings” are heard throughout the manor; Bruce mandates a vibrate-only rule after three days

Damian is not good with his phone so he often sends accidental audio clips or selfies

If selfies, he will be immediately bombarded with more selfies recreating the random one he sent by mistake

Memes

3am deep talks about space and existence

Then more memes

Creative profanity

“What kind of sunny metropo-bullshit is this?”

“What in the harleen quinzel did you do-’

“Be safe everyone” texts every night before patrol

(this is very fandom batkids but let’s be real when isn’t it) (send requests :)

[ejlyt]

Things that have 100% happened in the batfamily groupchat

Tim almost exclusively talks in reaction gifs

The name has been changed from “Little Orphan Batties” to “Bruce Wayne’s Child Fight Club” to “sidekickz” after much heated debate

Cass provides photo updates of her succulent garden. Everybody loves it.

Many Bruce roasting sessions

Even though Bruce is in the gc

Dick texts at two am to see if anyone knows how to work a washing machine

One typo and you will be roasted into oblivion

Steph texts the Riddler’s puzzles as they happen

He’s enraged when they solve all of them in minutes

“Alfred made cookies; they’re still warm.”

A stampede of batchildren appears 

Duke wakes up to see 2,476 messages on his phone

“Guys can we like, chill?”

Damian accidentally texts about a crush he has

He meant to send it to Jon

All the batkids help him anyway

(requests are open :)

[ejlyt]

reblog with your favorite batkid or yj member + a cliche trope you would want to see them in

i’ll start:

cassandra signing “he’s behind me, isn’t he?” after mercilessly trashing talking bruce on patrol

[ejlyt]

Hal Jordan is the Batman to Cass Steph Duke and Babs

Jason ends up being Batboy, and has a little cowl and a bright smile

Tim takes over Batboy after Jason before eventually becoming Oracle

Dick ends up as a lantern

Bruce is Catman, Alfred taught him B&E and espionage

Kate is still Batwoman

a collection of potential batfamily AUs

au where alfred is batman, and bruce and the kids are all his adopted children

(did not know i needed big brother bruce until now)

au where everything’s the same but bruce legally cannot call his children anything other than “sport,” “champ,” or “kiddo.”

sports au where bruce is the very intense dad coaching his children’s baseball team 

Practicing 5 times a week to beat the metropolis travel team

alternatively: bruce being a certified dance dad and does cass’ makeup for all her ballet recitals

reality tv au: “keeping up with the waynes” 

(i can and will write full headcanons about this.)

au where bruce isn’t batman but everyone thinks he is because he’s super rich and has the same number of kids as bats has sidekicks

au where jason is happy

au where cass, steph, duke, and babs are the four original robins

clark kent bruce wayne role reversal

duke thomas is batman

jim gordon is batman

hal jordan is batman

au where marvel comics exists in dc

noir detective au 

there’s nothing more to this i just like noir detective stuff

au where bats and friends operate in metropolis

au where they break the forth wall constantly

i like coming up for ideas for AUs but then again i never write full fics so lol enjoy. feel free to add on. thanks for putting up with my terrible punctuation. some times this english major just likes to break all the rules.

requests open!

[ejlyt]

batfamily on reality tv headcanons

The Beginnings

Bruce Wayne is approached by a popular reality TV studio with a specific request

They want the Waynes to appear in an episode of a show that follows prominent families to film their dynamics and ways of living

And it so happens that every bat kid LOVES THIS SHOW

They sometimes skip out on patrol to watch it as it airs

They easily get sucked into the drama

“Hey, did you see that Katie from the Mayron family disowned her daughter last night?”

“she WHAT??”

“Hey guys I love the show and everything but can we focus on the gun that pointed at my head right now? Thanks.”

Bruce, at Sunday dinner: “So everyone, for full transparency I must disclose that yesterday I was approached by the makers of some show called ‘Keep-’”

“YES YES 100% YES”

The Episode

It wasn’t even arguable at that point

Bruce went along with it, supposedly because turning it down would look “suspicious” but really he saw how happy it made his family

Their episode is WILD and widely regarded as the best one of the series

Starts out with a house tour led by Bruce and Alfred with meddling kids littered throughout the place

After that it follows them around a typical day and literally every scene is turned into a meme

Tim goes face first into a bowl of cereal after accidentally falling asleep at breakfast

The kids have a handstand contest to see who sits shotgun

There’s not enough room for all the kids in one car

Duke sits on Cass’ lap

Dick and Damian squeeze into the trunk between the jumper cables and a spare tire

Tim just jogs beside the car because he got there last

CARPOOL KARAOKE

Follows the kids getting ready for a press conference

No one can find Jason

Stephanie wears bright blue eyeshadow and refuses to take it off

Bruce goes to yell at Dick but literally cycles through every other name before he gives up

This happens

After the popularity, Bruce is again approached for a spinoff series

*deep sigh* “I can’t do this again…. I’m too weak…”

Notable Quotes

“And here’s the grand staircase whose- *loud crash* -railings are not intended to be a sliding board, Richard-”

Jason: “And here’s my room. Well, it was my room until some crackhead moved in.” Tim, off camera: “Stop calling me a crackhead! You know I was afraid of getting my flu shot!”

Camera man: “so you named your cat after your butler? Isn’t that a little weird?” Damian: “Look this cat in the eyes and tell me that he is not an Alfred.”

“I’m the only sane person in this family.” -everyone, at least once

“Screw you, Bruce! I wish Batman was my dad!”

“Superman wouldn’t treat me like this!”

Tim: “I’m running away to join the circus!” Dick: “Okay, first of all, any self-respecting circus wouldn’t even consider taking you. Secondly-”

Interviewer: “So Barbara, do you consider yourself a part of the Wayne family?” Babs: “Yes, but I’m hoping the emancipation papers go through smoothly.”

“Bruce trusted me, a seventeen year old, to run his entire billion dollar company and y’all think he’s Batman? Sad.”

Steph, to Bruce: “you’re just not that interesting to look at.”

ask and you shall receive - feel free to add on - requests open

#HOW MANY HOT TUBS DO WE HAVE??? #IS THAT A GORILLA?

[ejlyt]

I love the Brentwood arc

[ejlyt]

That time Tim Drake gave a speech but it was all memes

okay this is late but based off this post by @askagothamite

if you’ve never played, “what are the odds” is like truth or dare, but someone says “What are the odds you’ll do this” and then depending on how much you’re willing to do it you give them the odds, ex. 1 out of 25. Then on the count of three you both say a number between 1 and 25 and if it’s the same number you have to do the thing. so saying the odds and 1 out of 2 is like a fifty-fifty chance. i’ll stop rambling now.

-

Bruce sighs deeply as he removes his cowl, almost sticking to his face from all the leftover grime of the latest Justice League mission. His muscles are stiff and sore, but he is unwilling to admit to himself that he had a little trouble keeping up with Dinah earlier in the day. Deep in thought about just when she got so damn fast, he vaguely picks up the sound of a local news channel echoing through the corridors of the cave. One of the boys must have left it on, for the rest of those who frequent the space have respect for conserving energy.

He trudges out of the garage and towards the TV screens, feeling quite at home after spending a day in sunny Metropolis. Bruce expects at least a couple of the kids to be hanging around, as they tend to do, but he finds himself alone. He allows himself to enjoy the feeling of bliss. The man settles down in his chair, ready to enter some new files, as he listens in on the TV playing above him.

“-The Gotham Knights beating the Metropolis Meteors by four runs this afternoon…” Bruce snickers as he realizes Clark will be writing that story up for tomorrow. It’s the little things. But the news lady drones on, this time with more inflection, “But the main story tonight is of course Timothy Drake-Wayne, former acting CEO of Wayne Enterprises and Bruce Wayne’s adopted son, announcing a very surprise press conference…”

Batman feels any ounce of what was once tranquility leave his body. He knows Tim is a smart kid. A really smart kid. But he also knows his drive. The way he will see anything to its end. And recently, things with the kids have been a little tense. He gives up any hope of filing, all his attention is solely on what might come out of his son’s mouth.

Bruce watches as the teenager walks on stage, dressed smartly and with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Tim catches the camera and gives it a long stare with a smug smile, one that boldly says nothing but “I win.” The older man sinks into his chair, regretting ever coming home. The kids have been insufferable lately, even more than usual. It all started when Duke showed them a game he used to play as a kid. “What Are The Odds?”

He cringes everytime he hears the phrase, because he knows it will definitely be followed by an act of public stupidity. Now their version of “Truth or Dare?”, it started out innocently enough. A fun way to get them through slow nights of patrol or Wayne Galas that never seem to end. But, “What are the odds you’ll knock-knock ditch that house?” quickly devolved into “What are the odds you’ll swing all the way back to the manor in nothing but your domino mask?”

Bruce knows his kids, and he knows that none of them are very great at losing. It is in their nature to take a fun children’s game and twist it into a cut-throat competition, with most of the bets going at 1 out of 2 odds, almost guaranteeing the crazy dares with how in-sync all of them are.  

He can only imagine what this one might be.

Tim moseys up to the microphone stand, with a certain swagger about him. Bruce can say a lot about his kids, but none of them lack confidence when they need it. He watches as Tim tries to grab the microphone, and struggles as he can’t get it out. Suddenly, it slides out of the holder and careens towards him, clocking the former robin in the nose and making a hideous screeching noise as it bounces on the stage.

Bruce slowly lowers his head into his hands, rubbing his aching temples. He sees right through Tim’s theater acting routine, but his audience seems to have bought it.

Except for a few concerned gasps, the mass crowd of media personnel that had quickly gathered minutes before this impromptu meeting was dead silence as they watched the young man stumble around onstage.

Tim finally gathers his bearings, leaning down to acquire the forgotten microphone. As he straightens back up he mumbles something under his breath. But it was just clear enough to be unmistakeable.

“Thanks, Batman.”

Bruce pauses as every muscle in his body goes stiff. He knows what this is. He hates that he knows what this is.

Tim loudly clears his throat when upright again. He looks at a crumpled paper in his hand, but Bruce knows whatever he’s about to say he’s got memorized no doubt. The teen begins his speech with the utmost sincerity.

“Thank you all for joining me today on such short notice. But I believe this is a topic that needed to be addressed. I recently, and I’m sure you have too, have noticed an uptick of conversations surrounding a certain “conspiracy” on many internet chatrooms.”

Batman wonders what he did to deserve this.

“2,786. Not only is that the number of siblings I have, but it also happens to be the number of men, and women, compiled onto a very comprehensive list of possible masked crusaders.”

Tim clicks the remote in his hand, causing the powerpoint displayed behind him to advance. This slide displays the words “WHO IS THE BATMAN?” boldly typed in Comic Sans, surrounded by pictures of various celebrities, politicians, prominent members of society, and some random stock images. Each and every one of them has a black mask sloppily drawn onto the tops of their faces, likely with MS Paint.

“And among this list is someone very dear to my heart.”

He advances the slideshow once more, and the title this time is “BRUCE WAYNE.” Below it is a picture of a man with dark hair, pale skin, a sharp business suit, and a drawn Batman mask, someone who happens to be most definitely not Bruce Wayne.

The camera pans to a familiar group of young people in the audience, ones fighting very hard to keep their straight faces. Bruce swears he even sees a tear roll down Dick’s cheek. He doesn’t care if most of them have moved out, they’re all grounded.

“Rumors like these are not victimless crimes. They are hurtful and damaging. Batman’s street cred takes a hit every time someone compares him to rich, sissy businessmen like us. If this trend continues at the rate it’s growing, the Batman will no longer be able to operate. Maybe he’ll just become a supervillain. None of them are really that frightening.”

Bruce’s phone is ringing but he does not want to talk to Lucius at the moment. He’ll deal with the PR disaster tomorrow.

“Like seriously, I heard Batman once played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and won. Bruce stubbed his toe the other day and cried for like three hours.”

Bruce would get him back for that one next time he sees the Teen Titans. He just needs to decide which embarassing secret to tell.

“In conclusion, Bruce Wayne is not Batman. I sort of wish he was, but he’s not. Who we really should be looking into is Keanu Reeves.”

Tim takes a deep breath and brings the microphone close.

“Because despite whatever proof you think you might have, the butts. don’t. match.”

[ejlyt]

the batfam vs the waynes dilemma

Okay sure but consider this a world where no one seriously thinks the Waynes are the bats, but they get “accused” a good amount although it’s really just a big meme because these sissy rich kids couldn’t possibly be heroes despite their similarities.

Anyway,

People in Gotham start joking about having an episode of a popular gameshow featuring the Waynes vs the Bats.

It pretty rapidly spreads to surrounding towns and cities. The general response, after those farther away learn exactly who the family is, is that the episode needs to happen in order for the rumors to be put to rest and also to provide the funniest hour in television history.

consider:

-an entire team of shapeshifters/illusionists/masters of disguise being deployed to imitate the bats while the family plays their civilian selves

-Zatanna using a charm to transform into Nightwing but talks in an increasingly egregious southern accent the whole show

-Ms. Martain accidentally using her own voice to talk as Red Robin

-The Gotham rouges literally making a night out of it to get together and watch the premiere

-The studio having to bleep out every time someone says “fuck batman”

-The Waynes destroying the “bats” at the actual game

-Quotes from the episode automatically enter the regular Gotham venacular

And more…

Fell free to add on!!

Also,

Send me a little about yourself and choose a fandom or two (marvel, dc, stranger things), and I’ll write you a personalized blurb or ship sent straight to your inbox :)