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“Let me Love You”
Let’s get one thing straight: feelings are okay!!
This thought and truth has tried to set in for me in the last year and, even now, I’m continuing to process. You could have been in the same place as me: shamed or taunted for the feelings you have: be it sad, mad, happy, or afraid. You should not feel ashamed for feelings that are perfectly natural.
This also applies to having feelings for another person; it is perfectly natural and a part of life. This was my issue, and it almost ruined me until God intervened. I’m still single, and I may be for a while, but I have learned that, even though it is painful, my feelings are valid, as are yours.
I grew up with this common occurrence of people poking fun at one another when attractions come. This is what kids do, but it tended to get out of hand. By the time I was 18, I felt insecure about liking guys that it scared me a bit. Not to mention, no one had shown interest and, with me being “the weird kid”, I was the one people joked about having a crush on. The common answer was “ew no”. I wanted to find love, but I was scared, insecure, and naive.
That is, until I met one guy, who became my best friend. I fell head over heels for him but it was extremely unrequited and I built it up in my mind. Our friendship was great, but in reality, that was all it was: a friendship. I eventually told him and he did not feel the same way, but we stayed friends but eventually fell away from each other.
As this happened, I also fell out with other friends, and still unable to truly incorporate with my peers around me, I fell into despair. By this point, I was already in my downward spiral of identity and mental health issues, which is a story for another day. The loss of the one I was the closest with was detrimental. It was not until almost 2 years later I began to heal, finding a family I could trust and who knew my struggles, and yet still wanted to be around me. This was all I needed and I was perfectly fine with my ongrowing relationship with God and others around me.
One July afternoon, I was having my quiet time and I felt God speak to me. “If I asked you to be single for the rest of your life, dedicating your life to me, would you do it?” I pondered for a second, thinking of my heart’s desire to marry and have a family. However, I responded. “Yes, of course.”
The very next day, I had another time with God and I felt Him speak again. “If I brought someone today and said ‘this is him’, you both living for me and loving me, would you do it?” I froze. The mere thought of this desire actually becoming a reality, and so soon, put me in shock, even more than living a life of singleness. I was honest, saying I did not know if I could. I had never been loved before in that way, and I did not know the first step of a relationship. He ended the conversation with this:
“Let me love you in the way I show you”
I took this as a direct love from him, or through the people around me. I did not know what He meant at the time, but it would be the start of breaking down walls that I didn’t know needed to be broken.
A couple of months later, we had a week of teachings on Destiny by Design. During this week, I began to talk a little more with one of the guys in our house. This guy I had known for a while, but I never truly talked with him until just before this point. In fact, we had met before but, because he was extremely introverted and quiet, I forgot he even existed. As the week went on, we laughed, talked, and got to know each other a little more. I began to notice him from across the room, looking away and blushing whenever we made eye contact. I began to notice features of him and I realized he was actually very attractive. He was sweet, kind, gentle, funny, and- ah crap!
I was sat alone in a room one night when I was talking with the Lord, sharing about him before it hit me: I may actually like this guy! Now, when it came to the past crush, I would pray for him to like me or something like that. What was my first response?
“God! No, this can’t be happening! Please, take it away! I don’t want it! I want to be his friend but no feelings!!”
I was instantly afraid! This had happened before and I did not want to get hurt. I opened up to my discipler, hoping she would say, “Ah well, get over it, it won’t happen. Focus on God.” but what she told me was different:
“Feelings are okay!”
This was a common phrase to me. I began to soften to the idea, but staying rooted in reality. I took things to God... after a period of stubbornness. I prayed and took my own feelings slow. As this went on, he began to soften up. I was told he did this with people and, yes, to be careful. Careful does not mean closing off. Eventually, I was told that, no matter what, I will get hurt, but it is a matter of life that I will get hurt. I need to take care of myself, allow him to pursue me, and just pray.
I got to a point where I would pray this prayer:
“Father God, I love where he and I are at in our friendship. My heart wants more but I do not want to go off of my heart. Lord, if this is meant to be more than that, have your way in your time. If not, do not allow this to go further.”
This is key. I gave God total control. I could do my typical annoying girl trope and force to be more in his life, but I did not want that. Instead, I gave God full control over our relationship. And, for a time, things began to move fast. We hung out more, talked more, were in more ministries together. I had to keep my heart in check. The more I prayed, the more it seemed this could become a reality.
That is until life began to move again. At first he was gone for a week, then 2, then 6 weeks, then another month. He was gone and back so many times, it threw me off. I began to miss him but I’d feel guilty because he was not mine. I had started to feel jealous by other girls but again, not mine so no right. At one point, I tried to seize an opportunity to seek for answers on where this could be going during a time he went home for a family emergency, only to be shot down by the Lord saying it is not about me, but about him and to lift up his family during this time.
The final blow came, and he left. He felt called for a long period of time to attend a course in Argentina. It hit me that I would not see him for quite some time, and from one of our last conversations, he may never come back. This is great for him to pursue the call God has for his life and I’m excited to see him walking in the way of the Lord.
Actually, no, I am not. This may be selfish of me, but I don’t want to see him go. I will miss him like mad. But, again, it is not about me.
I had a mental fight with God, trying to wrap my mind around the last year of my life. I gave him this, I said I didn’t want this! I told him not to allow us to go deeper if it was not of him! Why would he, anyways? Why allow me to break down these walls for someone who likes me and accepts me, but doesn’t see me in that way? Why would he allow me to fall for someone just for them to leave once again?
To break the walls and allow Him in an area I did not realize I needed him. He was my consultant during this whole process and I have grown closer. It has not been perfect, but it has been a journey.
Again, I was confronted with it is not about me. This is a time for him to grow and become more of the Man God made him to be. This is a new season for the both of us, and if something should happen, or even not, he is my friend and I want to support him in prayer.
Something else God told me was the first description of love in 1 Corinthians 13: Love is Patient. If he is the one, or whoever it is, I need to wait for God’s timing. To take the time to change and grow, and when the time comes, it comes.
Finally, it has been a crazy process. It’s been a couple of months and we haven’t really talked, and the feelings have begun to fade away over time, but this doesn’t mean I’m not sad he’s not around as much. This also doesn’t mean that the process was a waste. I feel I can be open for whoever God has in store for me… right?
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