end-drunk-thoughts

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The fact that I am being invited back for yet another year of teaching at my school. Wild thought.

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Me: * Texts my brother cause I'd been seeing articles about the loan forgiveness stuff and I know he'd been stressed about paying off his masters loans, asking if he qualifies * My Brother: * says he does and is happy * Me: HECK YEAH!!! Us Both: ..... My Brother: * ask if I also qualify * Me: .... * has to remind him that I didn't take out loans to pay for grad school cause our grandparents insisted on paying for it and then lorded it over me and made me feel like shit for it * Me: .... Me: * has to call my brother to bitch cause I just rethought about the whole situation and got fucking pissed cause they fucking lorded that crap over me and made me feel like absolute crap even though I was not only fully prepared to take out loans for myself and deal with that but when it was suggested I could ask them instead I had to fully work myself up and fully prepare myself to just ask them to do it only for them to insist, not wanting me to deal with the struggle of taking loans *

#i get that i have been very blessed and lucky in my life #but is it lucky and blessed if the people that help you #lord it over you #even if you were ready to take the hard road

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Rewatching The Haunting of Hill House for the first time since it came out. This show will always have a weird relation to me since it was one of the shows I did in college before the show came out.

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One of the weirdest things about my move from Houston to Dallas is that up in Dallas people treat a weekend visit to Galveston like a special treat while down in Houston, where Galveston is a little over an hour away, going to Galveston is pretty average. I've lived in the Dallas area for nearly 10 years now and I still do not comprehend Dallas people's excitement of going to Galveston. Its just a gross dirty beach, nothing to get worked up over.

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Me: *talking to someone who also has/is aware of my gastrointestinal problems, explaining how sometimes I'll eat a thing that just sits in my stomach for forever and makes me sick so I have to make myself rhrow it up in order to sleep*

The person I was talking to, suddenly very concerned: Wait, that sounds like anorexia.

Me: ....................this is suddenly not a safe space and I need to leave.

#yes #i can make myself puke on command #without even #putting my fingers in my louth #just with mt guts alone #but i only make myself do it #when ive eaten something i literally xant digest #like something overly fried #ya know #the thing i literally no ponger have the organ #made to digest #it has never been an issue of weight #only a matter of that night #and not wanting to be too uncomfy to sleep

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Shout out to when my coworker and I were talking about how great Neil Gaiman's stories are and when talking about our favs I brought uo American Gods but also lamented that I couldn't provide it in my 10th header classroom library and when asking why that might be, my coworker being genuinely confused, I had to remind him that, among many other things, there is a scene where a woman eats a man with their vagina, and while I personally may not care what kids read as long as they go into it informed, I don't want to risk angry parents.

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The complicated relationship BTW a white American who loves the Godzilla films for the entertainment value but also is aware of the cultural/political message of the original Gojira film, and as such doesn't fully know how to feel about the scene in 'Godzilla King of the Monsters' where Serizawa sacrifices himself.

#i try hard to be aware of my raise and nationality #and how certain things can come across coming from me #white as they come #especially when one of my special interests #was literally written around #a national tradgedy #cause by my people

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It's a good thing that my downstairs neighbor is an old woman, cause my cats get absolutely crazy in the evening and make a lot of fucking noise