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euph0ric-adventures · 1 year

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euph0ric-adventures · 1 year

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Do you know what it feels like to be so so alone in a room full of people? Where you don't know who to run to and hide. Where you can find your safe space and just curl up and die.

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euph0ric-adventures · 1 year

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(by Christian Garcia)

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euph0ric-adventures · 1 year

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euph0ric-adventures · 1 year

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24032023; 0100

Its been a long while.. There’s been so much that has been going on in my life the past year. It’s been the worst and I feel like Im at the worst point in my entire life. Maybe not fully

Words are so impactful and powerful, but words at the same time can make or break a situation - when people take it out of context or perspective, when they see their arguments, issues and problems to be bigger than anything. The fear of leaving the comfort zone, or the fear of simply accepting that you messed up and you need to find a solution or accept help from someone else. It’s painful and difficult - I understand and empathise. Actions on the other hand speak louder than words, but what happens when these same actions are misinterpreted or misunderstood. A simple good action could be denoted as an action of harm, resentment or backlash.

It’s a difficult and painful world we live in - where each and everyone of us are fighting our very own demons, struggling to barely stay afloat or even worst make it past to another day. It’s tiring and exhausting. We fear of being judged or being a burden to another person. But what good will it bring if all we do is feel and not attempt to act accordingly to better the situation.

I’d be lying if I said I was taking everyday with stride. I should be grateful and blessed for everyday that I get to wake up, where I get to go to a job that I still have and enjoy despite it’s pains, where I have food and the financial capability to treat myself to a good cup of coffee everyday. Cos some people leave in their sleep, some get laid off cos of the current economy, some people don’t even have enough to eat a decent lunch. . Yet if I was called to go - as in die. I will leave everything and everyone in a heart beat. Cos I am tired, and despite being thankful for everyday that I have - I feel like I’m struggling to be happy, to be content, to be at peace. I am tired and I’m worried I will give up one day.

I’m a fighter, I fight so passionately for what I feel and want. But this same fighter is afraid that - one day I will just drop my shoulders and not care anymore, than any discomfort in life will affect me no more.

I’m always expected to understand and give way and be more accepting of the situation. To see it from their point of view and understand their struggles. But isit selfish of me to ask the same? I do - without fail, every time see it from the other persons point of view, see how and why they may feel or act or say certain things. I mould myself to better fit to them or their mood or situation, so that they will not feel the extra anxiety or burden. I understand, or at least I feel I really try to.

But is it wrong - wrong to feel understood and needed? To feel like I deserve more? Isit selfish of me to think that?

I’m tired - and honestly, I really want to give up. I know I was heading towards a downward spiral - hence I really got myself checked into therapy. Has it been helpful? Yes - but isit making me a better person? IDK really.. It takes 2 hands to clap, it’s stupid to hold up one hand and not be met with the other hand - Im just left hanging. I will hold up this hand until the other hand meets mine, but all I can hope for is that my hand will not get tired as much as my heart and body is.

Nothing hurts more than hearing the other person say they feel bad that they dragged you into something dark and bad with the full intention of knowing what they are doing - without being met with a solution.

But I guess that’s the mystery of life - pain and suffering and how we learn to morph ourselves to better handle situations instead of expecting the other party.

Cos why try to change others who are set in their ways and habits and thoughts when you can change your perspective on things - the danger of it - not being able to feel anything in the long run - being immune and numb and actually saying well “ it is what it is”. . .

#pain

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euph0ric-adventures · 1 year

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