fearbow

[fearbow]

should probably say that I am going to not update here anymore. I made a new main, so now I post from my vent bIog over there. I might Iink it, I might not. I'm gonna doom scroll through here 4 now so that I can laugh at past me's misery lol

[fearbow]

Honestly curious if a big disconnect I feel with the ED community is literally just cause Im autistic and dont understand that some of this stuff is said kore metaphorically than Im realizing. I dunno, either way it doesnt matter; currently I've taken up the ABC diet, and its working out really well? Having the visable list limit is helping a ton. Tomorrow I'm gonna have to break it a little, about 30 cal over, but to be frank, thats not so god awful that I feel like killing myself. More so just that it excentuates my thighs and chin fat in my brain, but its what I can do to not get caught AND I'll be watching an over-active child so maybe it'll function itself out. 330 isnt a sin, Id say. Maybe thats me projecting, and trying to cover up, though. Still, it'd be less than what I've eaten today, and it'll be pretty damn filling, so it works out.

[fearbow]

I don’t usually have feelings so when I have them they’re overwhelming

[fearbow]

I really do be resisting sleep like an overtired toddler

[fearbow]

"Well in the long run-" bestie I haven't thought about the long run a day in my life, I can't even handle the short sprint. I've just been trying to wake up tomorrow everyday for nearly 20 years

[fearbow]

ANA HACK: PUSSY IS ZERO CALS EAT AS MCUH OF IT AS U WANT!!!! 

[fearbow]

Just now realized how I've had two boyfriends in the time of this accoint. Since I'm probably gonna move pages anyways, I'm on boyf number 2; his Name starts with a D. Boyfriend 1 was in college while I was a sophmore/Junior (well, technically. He dropped put mid way through my sophmore year cause he failed some class, last I checked, but still) and also did some generally shady stuff sexually with me. Boyfriend 2 (D) is my more recent posts; The one I've said the stalking thing, and the one where I mentioned that I had to rub one out when he said he'd eaten too much. Hes a lot better, and we're same age, so he's a lot better and is probably were some of my more recovered positions come out of. I think about killing myself a little less with him. Hes cool.

[fearbow]

me, 23 hours into a fast

[fearbow]

hahahaahahahaithurtssobadhahahah

[fearbow]

in my this cannot continue and yet it does era

[fearbow]

[fearbow]

Its been a while. I'll probably abandon this blog for a different one, sometime and someday, but for now I'll just speak like I usually do in my 3 month vists back to remind everyone I'm STILL not doing well, lmao. Gender dysphoria is hell, boredem is hell, Autism/AdHD is hell, blah blah blah. My current boyfriend has me in recovery for issues he doesnt know I have, just has some weird grasps of it. I don't know why holidays are always around whenever Im retriggered, but meh. Its funny. My bf is kaking me sleep better, take care of myself, yadda yadda; but I STILL want to kill myself. Maybe I am depressed, and I just dont want to admit it. I dunno. I have more to say, but I think I'll make seperate posts for all that junk, if I have the energy. Toodles, lmao

[fearbow]

[fearbow]

do you ever think oh actually i am never going to stop being eleven years old and lonely

[fearbow]

Good morning to Banana the Lobster, and only Banana.

[fearbow]

Mom mistakenly said I failed my fucjing math class, had me thinking about killing myself for about half a bus ride, and then when I got upset about it around the both of them for making fun of me at being bad at math, they both laughed at me. It took 4 times of me asking and actively moving away to get her off of me after trying to hug me when I started crying. I hate that they dont let me just like. Leave and regulate. I literally just wanted to see if I could do something to go and improve my math score, which by the way, I'm literally not failing that class. Close, but no cigar. Anyways, Im good now. I just literally needed a minute. Thats all. But yeah no, lets just sit at laugh at you, thats really helpful.

[fearbow]

I think I'm starting to like. Actually improve and get better. I wanna fuck up my life and kill myself and whatever still, but i dunno. Im a little excited for the future, with graduating highschool and all. Im also freaked, cause little kid me would kill its self if it saw my grades, but I dunno. Life is fucking wild, man