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Finally free

I am heartbroken yet estatic to declare that my life is academic-free at the moment. I am embarking in this new phase in life of trying to secure a decent job and drawing a decent salary that I can use to pay back my study loans. Its a hard reality to accept as I am still trying to get used to this. I am considering masters but I really need to get a job first. I really need to put my piorities in order especially now I am an adult (though I still act like a child of 4).

Oh hey, I just passed my 24th. Another year to add on to my wisdom. I thought it will be a joyous celebration but again, another day of tears and dissapointment. I am trying not to be mad at the lacklustre of an effort he made, but I really can’t stop questioning myself if this man is for me. The honeymooon phase of a relationship has faded and true colours are slowly emerging, I am also questioning if I am the right one for him. I used to think that opposites attract like how A and I managed to hold out for 6years, but as the way things are going right now (for the past few months, actually) between him and I, I really don’t know if I can take it. I am always keeping faith for us, love.

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Remember: God is using all of your experiences, both good and bad, to develop your character to match your calling.

Lysa TerKeurst (via foreverhelives)

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One day I’ll be the star of the show, but for now I’m lost in the background.

deadlux  (via wnq-writers)

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by TristanGuy

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You're draining my energy. I hope you get that.

I just had a fight with you. Its a repeated fight over how frustrated I am with you being this unrelenting in your ways to just get what I am feeling. Communication is just not even there. Time & time, in different ways, I try to relate to you how I feel about our lack of intimacy or similarities. In paragraphs, in sentences, in point forms, in simple english. But all i get is rejection, indifference & humiliation. English. Oh god. Simple english, you can't spell, you can't construct a proper sentence, you can't leave a text without a single grammatical error. I am not trying to make you feel stupid but don't you feel the meaning in your thoughts is lost when you can't even use simple english the right way? The fact that you can't do this simple task of improving your usage in the language just astounds me that you think communication is not a problem to us. THEN WHY ARE WE FIGHTING? WHY AM I EVEN WASTING MY TIME WITH THIS STUPIDITY?! I'm supposed to be humble in this but the rants just won't stop coming at me in my brain to this keypad. I am a very mean person, I know that. Similarities. You don't even try to participate into the things that I love. You don't bother to carry a conversation in politics or history, but instead you just shut me down completely. Completely. I am unable to share with you half the things that I am thinking of because you can't relate. Even when I do try, what do I get? A laugh? "Biarkanlah. Bukan kita nyer pasal kan? Buat apa you nak kesah?" This frustration is getting to me a lot. Intimacy. To the point that I have to beg and demand for hugs. I get it you want to keep the halal distance between us but as a human being, I have needs that DOES NOT include sex. Physically affectionate is a thing that I have to beg from you now. Not demand. Just literally begging. Do I seriously have to dumb myself down even more for you? At this point, I am questioning if it is even fair to me to dumb myself out for your sake or just simply leave. Do I even have my heart in this?

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we are all prisoners of ourselves, darling, let’s be in one cell.

rarespecie  (via wnq-writers)

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Old flames just never burn out.

Your face, your eyes, your skin, your lips. All that i miss about you. But you don't know. It still feels like this back in day 1, this pain. How did we ever ended up this way? The story never ends. One-sided. Never reciprocated. This blog is always about you, A & you'll never have a chance to read it. I wish I never felt this way about you. But this story just never ends. Forever & Always.

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Rone, Melbourne

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You may never find anyone who loves you as much as I do , But I hope you find someone who makes you happier than I could .

kriti-g  (via wnq-writers)

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May 2017 be the year you stop standing in the doorway, and actually find the courage to take steps across the threshold into the happiness you so rightfully deserve to exist in. to live in. all the time, not some of the time. all the time.

iammyss , 2017. the year to take bold steps. (via wnq-writers)

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I need to get a hold of my emotions.

My thoughts are screaming. I am studying in school today, but it still scares me how a few days ago, I thought of suicide so fiercely that if I had really jumped, if I had really cut deep enough, I wouldn't be here. But I am here. Am I suffering from a bad enough emotional depression that to even think of suicide would be possible? I had always maintained that I am mentally unstable due to my social personality.. but I have never to that much of an extent went to the top floor lift landing to stand there for ages contemplating. A part of me feels like I was coward enough to not jump. But another part of me feels like I was strong enough to have walked away from taking my own life in order for others to be happy.. But my mum. As I am typing this, I am struggling to get my thoughts in order. To be coherent so others like you, who are reading, can comprehend what I am trying to say. I want to be selfless. I am trying to be. I look into religion for guidance and for some form of coping mechanism. My mum always says "have patience" and I do but it is at its breaking point. I question, 'Was it all tolerance or practicing patience?' And the distinction to me is blurred. It is at its breaking point because for a time now, I have been truly unhappy to the point that suicide seems like my only 'escape' or my only thought to make myself be sane enough to face another day.. But today, I am scared that I made it for if I have never thought of suicide, I would have surely jumped. Just imagine what would happen if I really did it though. Her life would be so much better. She would be happier. I want her to be happy. But everything I do as a sister, as a human being.. Does it all matter? These tears, thoughts, feelings does not matter. My existence would sum up to be dramatic or exaggerating. It does not matter. Breathe.

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I wish to find myself again in 2017.

Philippa A. Madsen (via wnq-writers)

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I love you louder than your demons can scream.

Anonymous, “Abandoned Love Letters”  (via wnq-writers)

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You won’t do our things with another girl, or say the same things, will you?

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (via thelovejournals)

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How many times can you say Goodbye?

No one gets it. Even I don't. This unexplainable feeling of emptiness that I don't understand why its even there even after a year. Lost. I get it to feel whole I need to turn to prayers, to Allah & seek His grace. Maybe I am impatient to wait for anything thats good for me & I want it all at once. Keep faith. Dear Farhana, Let this post be a reminder for you to <b>Always Keep Faith. Love, Me.

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Paris n'existe pas