forest-from-the-trees

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gotta remind myself every day that if i leave I'll miss so many good things that only have the opportunity to happen if i stay

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i am going fucking insane actually !! i am breaking down i have homework to do and its not started but i drank too much caffeine and ate too little and i am ocd spiraling andni thinkim going tod ie and i feel highly irrational right now and i am so overwhelmed my body is vibrating i feel like im going to pass out 🫶

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they really do not tell you how weird and hard it is to support someone through grief while you still havent really gotten through your own. like its so important being a support system for something like this. i want to be that and im doing my best. but i dont care about my own grief and at the same time i care so much it makes me physically feel like im going to fucking throw up. i talk about it most of the time like im past it because ive been grieving those people since before they were dead but you can never grieve someone fully, even after they die apparently and its going to be weird and difficult forever. i miss them and i fucking hate them with every fiber of my being and i would give so much to just be able to tell them both of those things. i hope i can still be everything she needs and i will do my best and give it everything i have

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my period cramps r actually so fucking bad rn i hope the entire universe explodes into a billion pieces

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i have to write this final essay thats due today and i havent started it but like. Quitting my job went really not great. How the fuck am i supposed to move on and just. Do my essay. good fucking god

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man I miss when I was happy and would post like. Fun things to my main blog

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i love that when my sister is angry she goes and completely fucking ignores me 100% deliberately when im being neutral with her and doing things (that i would normally do like making dinner, not like, extra shit just bc shes mad) for her. shes not even angry about something that was my fault, shes mad at me about something thats out of our control entirely and also unrelated to me. its fucking stupid and shes being awful because of it. i fucking hate it when she does this, she gets upset and makes it absolutely everyone's problem

#i made something to go with dinner and i went and asked her if she wanted some and she put her hand up at me to cut me off #she always does that when she wants me to stop talking #and fucking walked past me entirely #and then went over to my brother in the kitchen to the food i made and said 'how much of this am i taking?' #and completely directed the question at him and not me #did not want to talk to me at all #and this is all quite literally just because i said that halloween doesnt feel like halloween anymore partly because we're all adults #and its hard to make holidays feel like kid holidays still when you arent a kid anymore #thats it

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literally crying my fucking eyes out i love my partner sobmuch

#SHE MADE ME A PLAYLIST IN RESPONSE TO THE PLAYLIST I MADE HER #it was songs that mame me think of her #and now i have one too #i wrote “i love you” in the little playlist description of hers #and i just noticed that it says “i love you too :)” in the description of hers to me and i immediately started sobbing 👍 #fuck i love them so much #aiilov-personal

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Im so tired

#i should probably go to the hospital

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i miss my partner so bad shes so soft and pretty and i miss her !!! havent seen her in age.s.

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tw suicide

its so scary being back in a place where im like. super suicidal. im having so many impulsive thoughts that are so fucking harmful and its freaking me out a bit cause ive been here before! ive been here before and i cant even fucking remember it cause it was so bad. im feeling like im gonna have to ask my mom to take away my access to regular medication and manage my prescription ones for me cause its getting tough to not make a really fucking bad decision. literally keep catching myself going "okay im not gonna do it but what if i just hold it in my hands to see how it feels." Like!! girl!! dont fucking do that! dont do that. what is wrong with you. i need a therapist so bad and i either need these meds to start working or i need to stop being on them.

#its so hard and im so scared cause i dont want to hurt people :( i really dont #i know if i did anything my partner wouldnt be able to make it through that #like she just. it would fuck her up so bad and i cant do that to her

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hey google how do i feel like a person again

#god.

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truly and genuinely i am getting more and more worried about my mental state each day. like things are so astronomically bad, it hasnt been this bad in a long time and i feel fucking crazy. im terrified for winter cause my mental health always gets even worse and like. i sincerely dont know if im gonna make it through

#im at the stage where im like 'i cant kill myself because people will miss me' while imagining the ways i could do it #so like. #its not going well #no plans! but fuck we're getting too close to it all #aiilov-personal

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i really sincerely think i am currently the most unstable ive been in the last like three years and its just. a lot to handle

#im actually having a fucking terrible time like. constantly #its wild #i understand that its all in my brain and that it will get better again eventually #but jesus fucking christ its so difficult to go about my day every single day just not knowing whats coming next at all #i could be having a good morning and things just do a fucking 180 for absolutely no reason and all of a sudden my entire day is ruined #on the basis of absolutely nothing #its literally all in my head and i hate it #i hate not wanting to talk to my partner and not wanting to talk to my family and being mean for no reason #its not intentional it literally just happens #and i always feel so bad afterwards cause im not trying to be a dick #i just am like. very aware that im really insufferable to be around right now and that sucks and im trying but god it all feels #so out of my control

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saw boygenius recently, truly it was one of the best concerts ive ever been to. im not a big celebrity person at all, nor do i usually care much about musicians and like, who they are as a person? i guess? but man. the way the boys just absolutely fucking radiated love was everything to me. like they were so excited to be there playing on stage with each other and you could really tell. the cameras would do close ups of each of them often, and most of the time you they were literally just looking at each other and smiling and it was so sweet. getting to be there and listen to three best friends sing songs off of an album about their love and friendship while sitting next to my best friend/partner was actually wildly meaningful to me and in the moment it just kept getting to me. i cried quite a bit lmao. anyway. they were all so beautiful and the performance was incredible. i adore them

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nevermind seeing them tomorrow i am cured everything is perfect and i love life

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i miss my partner so bad i havent seen her since the fuckin. 23rd of last month. she just got back home from her family trip yesterday and i dont wanna overwhelm her but its taking all of the mental strength i have to go no! u dont need to text them! do not ask to hang out yet! they're so busy even still and it makes me sad :( i want them to have a break because they deserve one but also i miss them and wanna see them so fucking bad

#oughh. #i could NEVER do long distance holy fuck. i mean i would and i would find a way to make it work and be happy but god it would be hard