foreverdrowningintears

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I can’t wait to start building my first makeshift recording booth!! I know I’m getting into voice acting but I may also try my hand at learning music production as well. I’m so happy with where life is taking me.

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I have so much to say! And there’s a lot of pride in myself lately!! I’m doing better and making big leaps in everything I pursue. Soon I’ll be working completely remote, both with voice acting and crochet. I’m finishing up my first big commission!! $200 dollars can you believe it? I can’t wait to look back on this post and be able to say look I made it! This is where I started!! I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’ve had a lot of support from the friendships I’ve formed with my coworkers and when I go out and talk about my accomplishments I get to feel that pride in myself.

I’ve been better and creating and maintaining boundaries, better at standing up for myself, and better at making good decisions. I’m happy to have people in my life be able to look at me and tell me how amazing I am and be able to feel like I can agree with them. One of my friends said recently “you make huge changes overnight and that’s amazing!! You literally accomplish everything you set your mind to.” I am both honored and humbled that I can finally begin to see in myself what others see in me. I’m happy to finally be loving myself.

It’s crazy because I know I’ll be working from home soon, hopefully before August, but I did also get a promotion, and I intend to make the best of this opportunity to keep growing. My boss said he was worried that first shift would walk all over me, but I’m not! I know I’ll stumble and I’ll have a hard time adjusting, but I know I’ll be better for it. I’m tired of running from situations and tired of being the universal “yes man.”

I matter.

My goals and my dreams matter.

My only regret is not learning this sooner. I’m better now though, and I have a clear path to what I want.

I will have it.

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it's because the bear wouldn't kill me just for being a woman. the bear doesn't kill me for fun. the bear can be shouted at, and will leave me alone. the bear won't make a tiktok complaining about how i crossed to the other side of the path when i saw him coming. if a bear kills me, it's just being a bear: it cannot understand logic. it is not acting out of malice - just fear or hunger.

bell hooks once wrote about how porches might be the only outside space left for women - it is still the domain of the house while it is also outside-but-safe. when i am in the woods, i am in the bear's home, and he has a right to defend his property. outside spaces - anywhere at night, certain parks in the day - those are often implicitly "owned" by men. i cannot explain the feeling of knowing when you have entered a man's "territory." you walk into a place and just know you are in their space. you get a sick sense - you're in danger.

the other day a group of about 8 men were fooling around in the woods while i walked my dog. i had to go around, take the extra 3 miles just to avoid them. it's okay, i like walking. this wasn't even a #feminism moment. it was just a tuesday.

what a plain and easy question. only one of the situations is seen as a tragic accident. i would rather die and have a park bench erected in my honor rather than have my family questioned about why they let me, an adult, walk in the woods in the first place when i should really be at home in the kitchen.

i worked in retail and food service. i have had women say and do absolutely heinous and abusive things to me - not because i was a woman, but because i was there, and they were angry. the way men treated me when angry was different - it was because i was a woman. you can always feel the difference, how there's an undertone of i'd hurt you worse if i could get away with it. i keep seeing people try to cite stupid statistics. why is there always a strange rage whenever women agree on things? like men can argue their way out of our lived experiences? it isn't a buzzfeed quiz - which of these traumas are you? 10 super cute ways not to fear strange men.

i have actually (thrice!) seen a bear in the wild, by the way. i died each time, obviously, and am a ghost writing to you. (it was scary but completely and utterly fine). the second encounter was a black bear with her cub. she looked at me like - do we have to do this or are we good? my dog was busy sniffing a bush, completely nonreactive. i felt like i was in a sitcom: feminist poet reacts - does she actually mean she'd choose the bear? my only thought was - she's so beautiful. her paws are massive.

and there's a part of me that feels the rage spinning out in a corner. why do we have to come up with quippy little comments in order to teach men empathy. would you rather die in a car accident or due to a mugging? and would you rather your house burn down due to an electrical fire or due to arson? gee willikers - it's almost like we're human people, and want to risk the accident versus the intention.

i would rather my last thought be oh shit, a bear rather than i'm a person too. why doesn't that matter? why don't you care?

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Because I circulated a call to action about it here that got some traction: to those of you who contacted Maine legislators when it counted, thank you— it worked. Maine just passed sanctuary-state-level protection for trans rights.

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🌻➕💀

Please appreciate the absolute galaxy brain move that I made today

FOLLOW THIS LINK FOR INSTRUCTIONS!

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a few reminders because i’m tired and angry

fandom is a hobby, not a form of activism

adult women aren’t inherently creepy for being in fandom and having hobbies apart from raising babies and doing taxes

the vast majority of people pushing back against the worrying trend of instigating harassment over fictional characters and relationships aren’t incest supporters or pedophiles, actually

liking a m/f ship doesn’t make someone a dirty heterosexual invading your space

preferring gay ships doesn’t make you ‘’woke’’ and good

no one owes you a disclaimer that they are a good person who recognizes that their favorite fictional villain’s actions are evil and that they don’t condone those actions irl

liking a fictional villain is in no way comparable to advocating abuse/murder/genocide/etc and you’re a fucking idiot if you believe that

just because a woman is attracted to a fictional villain doesn’t mean she’s promoting toxic relationships or going to end up in a toxic relationship. assuming women can’t tell fiction and reality apart stinks of internalized misogyny 

some rando’s a/b/o fanfics have none of the level of influence that popular tv shows and movies spreading propaganda have

no one owes you a detailed description of their traumas and mental health problems

abusive relationships are not the same as enemies to lovers ships

y’all need to chill the fuck out over people, relationships, actions and events that don’t actually exist and learn how to enjoy and discuss them like normal people

fandom is a hobby, not a form of activism

feel free to add more

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Franz Kafka, referring to Milena Jesenská in a letter to Max Brod featured in "Kafka: The Tremendous World I Have Inside my Head,"

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Bilal Al-Shams, Sacrifice

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Franz Kafka, from a diary entry featured in "The Diaries of Franz Kafka,"

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It was April and she was the saddest thing under the sun.

Khush Bakht via wordedarchive

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I’m sure they all do 🤭😘

Gavin Yuan Gao, from "Wild Nothing"

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comic about girlfriends

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Hahahaha

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"Poems are not written...", Andrey Voznesensky (translated by metamorphesque)

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goodbye 2023👋hello 𓏏𓉔𓇋𓋴 𓇌𓅂𓄿𓂋 𓇋 𓅃𓇋𓃭𓃭 𓎼𓅂𓏏 𓄿 𓅓𓅲𓅓𓅓𓇌 𓃀𓅱𓇌𓆑𓂋𓇋𓅂𓈖𓂧 𓅓𓄿𓇌𓃀𓅂 𓉔𓅲𓋴𓃀𓄿𓈖𓂧 𓇋𓆑 𓉔𓅂𓂕𓋴 𓎢𓅱𓅱𓃭 𓅃𓇋𓏏𓉔 𓏏𓉔𓄿𓏏

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I’m so in love with my friends, it was so fun to be able to see the concert with them. I’m home safe and tucked in so nicely I hope my girlypop gets home safe and that my other bestie gets his buddy home safe. Got some food in me and I’m about to pass outie three thousand 😂😂

I’m so drunk, probably won’t remember this… but just in case… you ran into him. Looked like he was having fun with his friends. He looked adorable, but it felt awkward to see him.

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