fuzzy-guitar
21st Century Digital Boy
Appalachian
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williamwinslowhansen
william winslow-hansen
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Among puritan Christians in the 1840s, many believed that material disease was due to material sin. You do bad things and you get sick.
This eventually morphed into the idea that spiritual disease is therefore caused by spiritual sin. I.e. you think bad things, you go insane.
John Harvey Kellogg was an innovator. He sort of blended the two, popularizing a new category; the physiological sin. Eating unhealthy, disrupting the natural balance of the body, is a sin against the natural order of the body as God ordained it, and he punishes us with chronic illness.
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Thought-to-speech technology that gets hacked by people who want text messages from their pets while they are at work, only to immediately regret it because their pets text them the dumbest things, and the only way to get any kind of a clear image of what's going on is texting the other pets for cross-reference.
Like you get a text from your dog going "END IS HERE DOOM IS COMING URGENT URGENT SEND TEXT G-D HAVE MERCY, HUMAN COME HOME IMMEDIATELY", (you have no idea why the text translator has decided that your dog is jewish, but that doesn't feel important enough to look into or change) and before you do, you text the cat like "what's going on?"
And the cat replies "sunshine is turned off, window is cold >:C" so okay that's a clue. You've got a monitor lizard that doesn't do much monitoring, but will reply with whatever the lizard is feeling right now if you text "?" first.
"hwrmbglhlr the earth rumbles are sexy", replies the lizard. Okay, so dog panic, no sunshine, and the lizard is sensing vibrations. Oh, there's a rain storm overhead. Fuck's sake.
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"be not afraid" is just the way people spoke when the bible was rewritten into english. angels don't have a distinct ancient way of speaking. they just speak the same way the people they're speaking to do. what's the point of being a messenger if you communicate in a completely different dialect than the person you're trying to communicate with?
anyway, my point is that a seraph would appear in their true form in front of me and say "hey bitch, stop freaking out"
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Every year, I demand to know why Groundhog Day isn’t more celebrated on the internet. It’s the perfect absurdist holiday. There’s a big, round, adorable animal. He’s a prophet. Some guy in an old-timey top hat claims to be able to speak to the groundhog. Does he understand the animal’s language? Is it through telepathy? It’s a secret we are not allowed to know. People come from miles to worship the groundhog and learn the fate of the weather, which doesn’t even matter anymore with science and weathermen. The groundhog makes his prediction. He’s wrong 70% of the time, but we keep asking him. We are not interested in learning anything from our blind trust in a giant rat.
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“But if you forget to reblog Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.”
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3500 years ago a bunch of people decided to build a tower to the sky and now I have to worry about keeping up my Duolingo streak
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does anyone have that one painting with the ghosts standing in the water?
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funniest thing in the lord of the rings is how no one can kill gollum because whenever they get close they're like "oh my god he's so pathetic and ugly i can't bear to fucking look at him. jesus christ." so they just imprison him and then he slips through the fucking bars like a looney tunes character. and this happens multiple times.
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ordered a “who drink arnold palmer” t shirt for the laughs and it came printed “who drink arnorl palmer” and a sports logo on the back. which possibly makes the shirt funnier
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Me meeting a genie: Okay, so my first wish is for 1000 dollars a day, deposited to my bank account without any way of tracing it to anything illegal. I want this money to come from the ten richest people in America (100 dollars each), withdrawn under the guise of nebulous, random purchases and surcharges. It would probably be best to split the money into a myriad of smaller fees, though, to reduce the likelihood of anyone noticing. Got all that?
Genie: um
Me, continuing on without a care: For my SECOND wish, I want you to give me the ability to learn any given phoneme, so that I can learn to pronounce new languages perfectly. If you're willing, it'd be nice if it were a little easier to memorize new languages too, but if that's not cool, I'm perfectly fine doing all the legwork myself I mostly just want to be capable of pronouncing things correctly.
Genie, now staring at me like I'm insane: ......okaaayyy?....
Me: For my third wish. I want to always have great ideas for gifts for people. Every birthday, every holiday, I want to be able to come up with something they'd really like, with enough time to actually get it for them.
Genie, just staring at me
Me: I can provide you with a written document if that would help.
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