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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Too comfortable?

I’m wondering if I’m getting to a point that I’m too comfortable with where I am. I feel myself constantly in a battle wanting to change things up and being content with where I am. I’m not sure what direction I want to be going. I’ve only been working for 7 months, so in reality not that much time has passed. But at the same time I feel like time is speeding past me. October is already passing by in a breeze. I’m happy that the holiday’s are coming up though, I get more days off. Going to sleep early and waking up early has kind of put me into a more stable routine again. And I really am a person of routine, I barely stray from my schedule during the work week. At least this past week that’s how it’s been. I’m going outside for long runs again which feels really nice. I haven’t made a new workout program for myself yet, but I’m not sure where I want to go in terms of fitness. I’m kind of just sticking to workouts I’ve been doing for most of the year, it’s less work for me than thinking up of a new workout. I would have to dedicate a few hours to figuring out what my new focus is first of all before building up my workouts. I also was thinking about going back into job hunting again since I’m not sure if I still want to stay in the same company when next year comes around. Not to mention I also want to take my Professional Engineering Exam, so I don’t know if I should start focusing on that first.

Basically I don’t have a clear plan for the future, I’ve kind of lost something else to work towards. I’ve never been one to set like a LONG long term goal. Planning for the far future has always been something that I avoided. I think that it’s about time to give that a go. I was planning on doing an end of the year reflection and goal setting for next year anyways, so might as well throw in the really long term planning in there.

Wow it’s so funny how quickly my body will adapt to new changes that I throw at it. Ever since I started sleeping around 10 pm last week, my body automatically gets tired like a couple hours beforehand. For crying out loud it’s only 8 pm right now and I feel like I’m ready to go sleep. Welp, I really do appreciate having more energy going through my workdays. And especially with the new program I’m doing, I feel like I need extra focus. Doing some important inspection work that I need to be pretty alert about.

Really random but I also thought about making a giant ass list of people I need to contact and visit whenever COVID calms the fuck down. I really think I’m missing the social part of my life, but I’m getting so accustomed to it that I feel like I’m not reaching out to people as much as I used to. I really want to hang out with so many people I wish I could just set aside a whole month or so just so that I get the chance and time to hang out with everyone that I want to hang with.

I think I’m losing sight of appreciating things in the present moment, that’s always a hard thing to do but especially now I feel that is really appropriate. I don’t want to be stressing constantly of what I should and shouldn’t be doing. But at the same time if I’m having thoughts where I constantly want certain things, I need to be making plans to work towards what I want. It really be a daily battle with myself. Guess my brain doesn’t know any other way to be honest.

Today was a pretty nice day though, I went out with my youngest sister to buy some stuff. I bought a pencil case(which I been meaning to get for a while), green tea(I got 3 bottles and got a free cute bottle cover), and yan yan(OG childhood snack). My parents got me some airpod pros which I’m currently listening to music through, it’s pretty dope. And all afternoon I watched shows with my youngest sister. It’s always nice spending time with her and I keep her not bored haha.

I guess being comfortable isn’t a bad thing, if things were constantly turbulent I don’t think I would be mentally stable. I wouldn’t be as grounded and level-headed, and I would definitely less inclined to make good plans for the future. I think a good takeaway from this is that I can get into the uncomfortable from a place of comfort. Otherwise if i had no comfortable, how would I know that I’m uncomfortable. That’s a weird way to think of this but honestly this thought isn’t that original haha. Anyways this seemed like a good night to think a bit deeper than usual, but I’m going to just binge some youtube before heading to bed. Goodnight world :)

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Finally Fall of 2020

In case y’all don’t know already, I’m living in California. So the summer literally lasted forever, with the worst conditions I’ve seen ever. Fires all of August and a good part of September, with barely a break in between. The air quality has been absolute shit up until this week basically and I haven’t gone outside very much the last couple months except to grab some coffee out and maybe 2-3 hangouts with friends. We’re also still in the thick of COVID, and CA is just kind of seeing a downward trend with cases and deaths. America is so fucked up beyond belief, not to mention the president literally got COVID and acts like it wasn’t a big deal. Literally such a dumbass, like how can you say that like of course it wasn’t a big deal to you because you didn’t have to wait for treatment and there was a whole fucking huge team of doctors taking care of you. Also I just want to say I have not witnessed worst chaos than the first presidential debate. It was a whole mess the entire time... the election is in 26 days now and I hope that Biden somehow pulls through.

On to other things, I’m currently doing alright mentally. I was pretty under the weather August and September kind of physically and mentally. I wasn’t working out as much the last couple months and I also was feeling pretty dead after work everyday. I was feeling pretty lethargic as well, and work wasn’t really helping with that. I’m finally doing something new this month, and it’s nice to dive into some new tasks that are more exciting and keeps me alert. I really hope that I can stay in this new program until the end of the year and beyond. I have to wake up a lot earlier but that’s forced me to go to sleep earlier as well and I think my quality of sleep this week has been a lot better than I’ve had all of the last few months. I think the cooler weather is also helping with my quality of sleep. I find that hotter weather I wake up more frequently at night and also I wake up kind of not fully rested.

I was definitely not feeling great being cooped up indoors for the majority of the last couple months, I truly believe that lack of Vitamin D really puts me out of it. And also the fact that I kind of had a mini heartbreak of sorts? I don’t know if that’s what I should call it, but basically a girl I like and talked to for a couple months from May to July told me that she liked someone else. And it was so fast I was just like what and then was like I need to move on from this now. So I’ve been coming to terms with that relationship whatever that was and am now trying to solely focus on myself and moving forward with my development. I really was kind of finding my sense of independence again, not that I lost that when I was talking with that girl but I felt empty-ish for a bit. So yeah my down feelings were kind of attributed to a bunch of things together. I’m pretty sure everyone else more or less have also been trying to make progress in these strange circumstances with some difficulty.

A couple things that I want to do is first, a reflection on for myself at the end of this year are all of the accomplishments I made, and second, goals I want to work towards for next year. I think that this year is a good pivot point in my life transitioning from school life to corporate life. I had a lot of time to reflect on the start of my career, and there were many introspective moments where I started to think about the future. I kind of suppressed thoughts about the future during undergrad, because I didn’t really know where I was going with my life. I think I finally have some sort of grasp of the direction I want to go in the future. Not entirely sure what the plan will be, but I want to find something where I’m excited to wake up and work everyday. That is most likely going to require me to get out of a stable place. But stability doesn’t lead to growth and I always want to be growing.

Not sure if any of this was coherent, but I wanted to do a bit of a check in with myself. Kind of felt numb for a while and it put me in a kind of dark place. I would say that I was lowkey depressed for the middle of 2020 to be honest. Waking up some mornings was a bit difficult, but I’m getting into a better rhythm starting this month. And I hope that this newfound energy goes on to the end of this year and into next year! I’m pretty excited for the holiday season, and I should maybe look into actually taking some vacation...

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Dear past 3 Deanna’s,

Oh boy, this summer and past fall quarter I’m getting somewhere with everything in my life. Before I left for the summer I made this great elaborate diet and workout plan, and I’ve definitely gotten stronger in the gym. I’ve been able to lift more weight than my previous 3 years, so I’m proud of that!!! Still going strong with being pescatarian, I’m almost a year into it! I don’t think I’ll be stopping anytime soon either. As far as academics I’m doing better than anticipated but I could definitely put in some more work these last 2 quarters. It’s crazy, I’m 2 quarters from finishing my undergrad studies, and I’m going to have to find a job soon! i want to start a job no longer than a few months after I graduate. I’m also highly considering moving to SoCal post-grad, I think I’ve grown to like it better than NorCal. NorCal has its ups for sure and I was raised there, but the weather and amount of things to do in SoCal has definitely increased its appeal to me. LA is where I’m looking at right now, but only time will tell when I’ll move in for sure. Other than that things seem to be going smoothly in terms of my academics. The real excitement has built up around my dating life. It’s definitely going somewhere, a lot better than my 1st 3 years in college. So around halfway through fall quarter, I matched with this girl named Tracy from Tinder. She’s super cute and we started to have a good convo on there. We eventually exchanged numbers and planned for a date. We went on a date 2 weeks later and we got tacos, but the downside is that she’s not going to be in SD long term. She’s moving to Seattle in February, so there’s not really a potential for a relationship. She seems very career driven at the moment. She did a very good job reeling me in with our convo and I ended up just going to her place and cuddling one night. That was a week after our, actually less than a week after our first date. We tried arranging another one but she flaked last minute. I went on another date with another girl named Catherine a week later??? After the cuddle night? Either way I only went on that one date and I found out from my little Aaron that he had a class with her. He doesn’t really like her vibes so I was caught a bit off guard. I was supposed to go on a date with her that morning before my dinner with Tracy, but that got cancelled too. It was probably bad karma that I scheduled two dates on the same day. Well in the end I don’t think it matter too much since nothing will come out of either of those interactions. Now over Thanksgiving, I started talking to a new girl names Janelle. I’m still talking to her currently and hopefully meeting her in the near future. I’ve called her once i think and we’ve facetimed several times already. I’m hoping something more progressive will come from that, but I’ll have to see. Now going off on a bit of a tangent, at the beginning of fall quarter Alison added me to a FB group called Subtle Asian Traits which is a group where all these millenials make Asian memes that everyone can relate to. This eventually lad to the creation of Subtle Asian Dating and eventually Subtle Queer Asian Dating (SAD and SQUAD). Basically on the dating pages people have friends/themselves write a post about them and advertises to the page in hopes that people will DM them and maybe start something good. So basically I posted myself and I started messaging people I found cute and wanted to talk to. I’ve talked to a lot of girls since joining the page but I’m only talking to about 3 of them now. One who I talked to because of EDM, one because her friend messaged me about her, and one who friended me first and I DM’ed. The last person I like talking to most, but she busy so can’t talk all that much currently. Her name is Gray and she’s a gamer. We’ve talked on the phone a couple times now but she’s from Florida. But she came from my hometown and she said she wants to move to LA after graduating. Realistically, I’m not sure anything will happen since she’s far away and still over there for a bit. So I’m interested in Janelle and Gray the most at the moment, and I’ll see how things play out from here. So that’s my dating life, event though there’s not much physical happening. I mean if they were both in SD I probs would’ve seen them already at this point. Janelle is at Davis for undergrad and she’s doing a 5th year there, so I also don’t know for sure if we’ll get somewhere. But we both love EDM, raving, and getting lit. And those are all kinda things I want in my girl. Anyways, yeah things have been going for sure and not sure where my last 2 quarters will take me, but I’m as ready as I can be. I just have to keep everything in some sort of balance and keep being rational.

-Deanna Wong 12/18/18

Dear Future Deanna,

I think right now you have improved tenfold from when you started college. Not sure I have much advice to give, well I probably can. Don’t let your love life, if one person becomes serious, overtake you so much that you forget about your friends. Maintaining friendships is very important, and you’ll need them there if anything goes wrong. You need to unplug more, I think compared to most people you aren’t too engaged in social media. But don’t let it take you away from productivity. Really enjoy you last couple quarters in undergrad, you’ll never get this time back once you graduate. As people say, some of their fondest memories come from college. I’ve had a lot of unforgettable moments, but there is never enough of them. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you think something has gone wrong. In most cases things turn out fine when you look at things logically and problem solve. Also it’s alright to be a bit emotional, that’s a part of being human. If you need to cry somewhere down the road, just do it. It doesn’t show you’re weak and it doesn’t stunt your positivity. Stay positive to everyone around you, don’t let pessimists get to you. There need to be that one person that can reassure everyone else that everything will be fine. I think this might be my final advice letter to myself for the rest of undergrad. Spring Break maybe in the Grand Canyon, in which case I don’t need to fly home. My dad can come through SD and then drop me back off there afterwards. In any case, good luck to you and your last 2 quarters at UCSD! You’ll do great and no matter what happens, you have come really far in life and there is a lot of great things to come! Peace out!

-Deanna Wong 12/18/18

Oh my goodness, to be honest I think my whole college experience has been kind of cheesy. I was talking about girls the whole time and honestly I don’t even talk to any of them anymore. Tracy and Gray either message me or I message them every once in a while. But yeah other than that most of the girls I talked to last year are just a blip in my memory now. Sometimes I wanna give up on dating and now more than ever I’m just focused on my career and having chill time in this covid-19 chaos. The gays are also all a mess I don’t know when I’ll find the right person anymore or I could just be forever alone that would be fine. I could myself some new advice for the future and see if I follow through. I followed through with a lot of my own advice back in the day, I guess in hindsight I roughly know where I wanna go in life. And I’m pretty disciplined and well-rounded as a person. I just wanna strive to be a better version of myself everyday. Might not want to do stuff everyday but that’s ok. I love slowing down and taking it easy. And y’all take it easy too, have a great Sunday whoever reads this!

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Dear Future Deanna,

You are about to go off to college, and afterwards starting your great big life. Therefore you may never see this message future Deanna. But I won’t lose hope because maybe you’ll have this with you without knowing it. Anyways, good luck in college, hope you make the most of it because you only get once chance in college. Make good choices, but at the same time take some risks or else you will forever regret not being bold. It’s okay if you make any mistakes because I’m sure you’ll learn from them and become better. And another thing future Deanna, live in the moment and don’t think too far ahead.

-Deanna Wong June 1, 2015

Dear past Deanna,

Well 2 years later I managed to find this mini notebook and see what I wrote to myself awhile back. Past Deanna, I have certainly made some mistakes and done things I couldn’t imagine myself doing 2 years ago! I have met some of the most important people in my life these past couple years, especially this past school year. I hit the gym pretty often which is a very necessary thing in my life but I don’t exactly have access to a gym at the moment. I’ll make do this summer with @ home exercises and probably running in the mornings hopefully starting tomorrow. I kind of hit a big wall at the end of my 1st year at UCSD, I failed 2 classes and passed with a B and I’m waiting to take the other class still. My gpa definitely tanked but now I have above a 3.0 again which is my goal gpa to maintain for the rest of my years here. I see my handwriting hasn’t changed too much so I’ve reached my max as far as writing legibility. I’m cleaning out my desk right now and there are definitely a lot of old Deanna history hidden in these drawings. Hmm so I’ve left my college journal at school, but I only wrote in it probably twice this whole school year. Way to keep record of what’s happening. So something that has definitely changed my life was starting my rave life. EDM really has had an impact on me and I decided to give ecstasy a go. It is quite the euphoria, but in great moderation. Gave me the happiest feeling in the world. I’m so glad my friends have been gracious enough to let me have this experience. So I’m not saying drugs are good, but they’re sure really fun. This past spring quarter I tried shrooms and that trip definitely gave me one of the weirdest days of my life. Everything just felt sort of off, but I saw everything a bit differently visually. And then more often than not I had those nights of being drunk, stoned, or crossed af. Like I knocked out pretty hard on some nights. Next year I definitely need some self control over these type of nights. IDK if my body can handle such tough treatment anymore. Anyways I joined a frat, and now I have 2 littles in my frat. They’re super cool but I need to find a way to connect all of us next year because they’re kinda polar opposites. I don’t wanna think about this too hard though so I’ll just continue on this much needed spheal. Also an update on my love life: non-existent. I’ve been single for a solid 20 years since I’ve been alive. Also I’m 20 what... how dis happen. Going off on a tangent, I think I have found that photos are very important to me. All the memories I have captured, I can’t even begin with how blessed I feel forever with such great memories. I would say my second year of college was definitely better than my first year. I wanna stop here past Deanna since I’ve given you the gist of my college thus far. Now to write to future Deanna again.

-Deanna Wong July 12, 2017

Dear Future Deanna,

So what past Deanna said, keep living in the moment, take lots of pictures, and make more new friends, but remember to keep your old ones. Maybe try dating someone before the end of college, or not but you need a person in your life I think, or maybe I’m wrong and it’s better that you’re independent all through college. Whatever happens, happens. Also keep living your healthy life, go gym, hike, eat right, and so on. And don’t feel so bad on not so good days, stress eating gets to everyone. Try to say no to people, you can’t be influenced all the time. Otherwise you’ll never learn to have things your way. You can be helpful to people too, but sometimes you should make sure you get your own shit together first. I think you have all the tools needed to succeed in the rest of college and life, so make your choices wisely.

-Deanna Wong July 13, 2017

Dear past Deanna,

I think I’ve gotten college life down, better than my first 2 years for sure. I still am making mistakes though, kind of had some bad incidents as far as my behavior record with UCSD, but on my way to fixing that. Nothing that’ll put me on hold for graduating, I just have to deal with business and this should all be over next quarter. Long story short I passed out at an on campus event and I have some consequences to deal with but it’s all on me, I have to fix things. On the bright side, everything in my academics are right again. Above a 3.0 and I am on track to graduate by next spring. It’s really hard to write into this tiny notebook. I’m writing very intensely I’m sweating a little. It’s also not the coolest temperature. Sacramento brings the heat. In terms of my social/party life, this past year of college, and within the last quarter, has exceeded my first 2 years. Well part of the reason has been because I turned 21 this year. Legal drinking is a whole new game. You would think I can control myself at this point, but I still can’t some nights. I’ve definitely opted out of drinking a lot more this year. Self-control is getting better. A lot of seniors I grew close to this year are graduated now. It makes me really sad but I need to learn to get through this year without them. They are all going on their own paths for the future, and I wish them all the best and to visit me next year! My love life got a little bit spicier this year, but nothing drastic happened where I need to announce it. Still no girlfriend and I really want to have one more and more. Still actively using dating apps. Well just more recently since its summer now and I don’t have much else to do. Just trying to recharge myself mentally. I think a lot of things that happened this year has given me a bit of a mental drain. I think i actually like attention but I may have gotten more than I need for a year. My 21st birthday is the most extra day I’ve had in my life. Everything was funny, everyone was dressed up, and there were a lot of gifts. The best thing was all my friends being there just to celebrate my friend Nat and I turning on year older. Like it shouldn’t be that huge of a deal, but it became a big deal just because we wanted it to be. This really should be more of advice for future me like the 2 past me’s, so I’m gonna do that instead of blabbing about my life. i’m supposed to do that somewhere else. Alright it’s there, peace past me.

-Deanna Wong July 5, 2018

Dear Future Deanna,

Not sure what to say. Well if past Deanna has been able to accomplish all she has up to now, future Deanna can keep up this level of excelling life plus more. You’re literally about to enter the actual adult world after this year. You need to figure out your plan even if you don’t want to. You gotta make moves to get where you want. Such as staying home or moving out as soon as possible. Get a woman, it’s time to be more proactive about your love life because if you don’t make moves, no one’s gonna do it for you. Maybe tell people how you actually feel if you feel for them. Still have to take risks. I don’t think past Deanna has taken any REAL risks. Like a risk that makes you sweat and super anxious beforehand but could be very worth it. But you’ve always had a logical side, so maybe listen to it if it’ll make your life better in the long run. I’ll continue later but I have to eat first. You are your own grown ass adult now, speak up for what you want. You can’t let other people dictate your outcome of situations. Take control of you situation. Take control of your situation. Be a good friend. You’ve gotten better at it by leaps and bounds, but there’s always room for self-improvement. Be appreciative of how far you’ve come. Don’t beat yourself too much, you still tend to do this from time to time. Take your own advices? I don’t think you’ve had to apply this yet, but you could try giving yourself a few pointers. Keep yourself tidy. Clean your room more often when you’re at school. Things pile up, and a cleaner space tends to give you a clearer mind. Keep in touch with those you don’t see as often. You tend to spend all your time with one group of people instead of reaching out more. This is why you don’t see some people enough. Develop this skill now and it’ll translate in the future. I think I’ll keep it to this for now, you’ll gain more wisdom as you endeavor into your final months at UCSD. Stay lit, stay safe, and be you. :)

-Deanna Wong 7/30/18

This is just some back and forth between myself that I had for the first 3 years of my college life. I’ll save my last year for another post. I feel like between each year I had some improvements, but a lot of the stupid stuff I did more or less are from all my non-sober nights in college. It’s kind of the same thing over and over but just with different people and different circumstances. Looking back at everything now, I’ve really become a lot more of a stable person. I don’t regret a single moment of undergrad. Although I find it really strange I felt like I needed to have a girlfriend at some point. I honestly with so occupied with my own life that I really did not need to add someone else to the equation. And even now I’m still kind of ok with my independence, maybe a bit too ok with my independence. I think honestly the right person will just come at the right time. I really think I need to give the meeting someone in the real world a shot. Well not now since California is in a lockdown but after this pans over I’ll try to go out there and find the love of my life.

Stay safe out there y’all and don’t go spreading too many germs. I’m out gonna be raving in my house haha.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Don’t Panic

Alright so literally it feels like an apocalypse came over the world. Everyone is staying home for the most part. Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and pasta are just a few of the things that everyone has hoarded at this point. No one knows how to handle the current state of things. Literally the only news that I see is about covid-19 aka coronavirus. I really didn’t think anything was going to get this extreme, but here we are.

I just set up my work from home station for the week, I hope that I can get through with the internet that I have. It’s holding up pretty ok for the weekend. It should be more or less fine during the weekday since my parents have to go to work. My sisters are both home for the time being. K-12 is like canceled for the next 3 weeks all over CA. All universities have gone virtual and a lot of students are misplaces for the rest of the school year. It really has gone to shit in the US and a lot of the world. I’m thankful that I’m not in the worst case scenario. Thankful that I’m able to work from home and still make money. Thankful that I have a comfortable house to live in and my mom’s cooking is good. Thankful that I don’t have to drive to work and save on that gas. Thankful that all of the people I’m close to in my life are safe and healthy.

The rest of the world needs to calm the fuck down a bit, because there are so many people that are going to have it a lot worse and possibly lose their jobs and such from this fiasco. And a recession might have just been jump started from this. I don’t know how to exactly feel in all of this, I’m in between being concerned and not wanting to give a shit at all. It’s not just me, most of my friends also feel similarly.

I can’t travel anywhere really at the moment because traveling causes a high risk of transmitting the disease to others. This year has taken a dark turn, not sure if things will return to normal anytime soon. Most likely not, apparently the stock market is going to take a while to come back out of this hole that we’ve all gotten into. All big gatherings have also been cancelled including a lot of raves, festivals, and other shows. I was going to go to two events this month, but those are postponed now.

I know this is kind of stupid but I also think I’m going to kind of slow my roll in terms of dating. I don’t think that I have interest in anyone at the moment and I’d rather focus my efforts of getting through this weird time in life. Get my financial life together and figure out things like what car I’m going to buy, where I want to possibly move out to next year. I also need to realign my short term goals in the coming months.

There’s a lot of bad and good from this, but what’s going to be the changes that come afterwards. That’s the real question going into the future. I think I needed to get this off of my chest because I didn’t think I would feel this unsettled right after starting my new job. This pandemic has come in a really pivotal point in a lot of people’s lives. I guess if you’ve been doing the same thing for a while, this might be a good way to change routine up a bit. But for many, plans are basically thrown off. Everyone that’s going to graduate this year from university may not be able to graduate with their friends and do other big activities that usually go along with graduation. It’s a sad and sobering thought, but I think those students all deserve some sort of compensation if they can’t do graduation at the normally scheduled time this year.

Basic hygiene has to improve for the whole world going forward from this. Washing hands often and properly. Not touching eyes, nose, or mouth (which I admit I’m trying to get better at). Cover coughs and sneezes. Keep a good distance when interacting with people in person. This should all be pretty trivial but it’s not something that’s emphasized enough. At least I saw a billboard about washing hands earlier this week.

Self-care is going to help a lot of people through this such as exercising. And unplugging from social media and only getting news from reliable sources like CDC and WHO.

I don’t think that having a week of rain is going to improve the mood for anyone, I personally kind of don’t like rainy days. It’s been the coldest it’s been in about a month. We going back into winter.

The world is going to look back at this in an interesting way. Hopefully the first pandemic that is stopped early enough. It’s only been a little over a month of this craziness and it’s felt like longer than that. The media has been very unhelpful about blowing this out of proportion and putting a lot of information that people could be without. On top of this politics has been kind of stupid overall alongside this.

That’s probably enough about my rant about the current world situation. Stay safe out there everyone, I think everyone just needs to be more cautious and aware in general instead of going into mass hysteria. We’re all going to get through this and things will get better. It’s not like things have kind of felt like it’s gone to shit before. Things kind of always go to shit anyways. We just all need to be well informed and smart about what to do. That’s my two cents about this shitshow, now I’ll be going to do something else that will get my mind off of this temporarily.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Week One Done

Wow, it’s been a week on the job! Time kind of flew...but also was kind of not doing too much. Just got an introduction to the office and got to start the process of getting to know my office. I wonder what everyone’s impression of me is, they probably think I’m shy. But like default I kind of just got thrown into the professional world for the first time ever. It’s actually pretty chill thankfully, but still I think I want to put up a more professional front before so that I can show that I want to be contributing and put to work. Everyone is so nice, I really appreciate the advice from everyone that I will be able to learn and not just thrown into the deep end. I like all the amenities in the office, I think that I’m definitely affected by the environment that I work in. The office space is nice and new and my desk cubicle is huge. And there’s free coffee, what’s not to like about that. And I’m excited to get access to the gym that they have in the building so that I can get back into some sort of strength routine. I’ve been out of that realm for a bit longer than I want to be. I really need to get going on that push-up goal of mine. I like that I can go into the office and leave at my own time. I can go in around 7:30 which I’m fine with since I get up early already anyways. My bedtime now is around 10pm since that’s the only way I can get in at least 7 hours of sleep and wake up early enough to get to work before the traffic gets too bad. Commuting to and from work on Monday-Thursday is kind of a drag though, I kind of get why some people can get tired of commuting. Thankfully in the Sacramento area it’s not terrible like LA and SF. It might get there if all the folks from the Bay move inland in the future. I get every other Friday off which is really nice. I’m super excited for those 3 day weekends every other week! But yeah, overall I’m ecstatic to be starting this new routine of my life. That first paycheck will come in about 2 weeks, so that’s what I’m looking forward to.

On another note, I’m sure any of you reading this would know by now, the corona-virus epidemic is kind of everywhere in the world at this point. I didn’t really think that much of it initially, but the fear of the virus has substantially ramped up over the last couple weeks. There’s a case in Elk Grove that came up today, so it actually hit my hometown. I didn’t think it would get this far, but I guess that it shouldn’t really be much a surprise. The whole Elk Grove School District is shutting down school next week. I’m kind of a little worried about it now, but I still think that this phenomenon got blown wayyy out of proportion. Like it’s not as terrible as the media is making it out to be, statistically speaking this disease isn’t killing as many people as the yearly flu. And also people are recovering from this, it’s not like all the people reported initially still have it now. But I guess the fact that the disease is still just widespread and the full scope of it is unknown is causing fear to people. I guess with the potential spread, I might opt out of the events I was going to attend later this month. I really don’t know how much longer this situation will persist. I just hope people stay hygienic, that’s all we really need to do. I think having the private office gym is going to be good for this situation.

I think the excitement of this work week exceeds this virus for me, I’ve had all of Saturday to marinate this information in my head. I wanted to go out to a coffee shop and read a couple of my books, but my dad called and told me about the virus in Elk Grove. So I decided to stay home, I mean it was also raining so I guess I didn’t need the additional possibility of actually catching a cold.

But yeah, it just feels good to be doing something now. I feel like I have some sort of direction now and that my adult life is finally coming together. I was looking at cars most of the afternoon, that’s going to be the first big purchase I’m looking towards. Anyways, I’m going to shower now and probably call it a night at 10pm because the clock is actually moving forward tonight so I would be sleeping at 11pm. Goodnight y’all and stay clean out there!

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Unemployment Thoughts

Thought I would share this since I finally am starting my job today. It was a really tough process and there were some rough patches where I was kind of hopeless. Here are those doubts:

I’m almost 4 months into unemployment now. Not sure how much longer it’ll take me to find one. I have had a pretty successful summer I would say. Not having the daily 8 hr. or more job grind gives me a lot of freedom with my time. I need to be grateful for what I’ve been able to accomplish these last few months. I’ve been able to run the distance of a 5k several times and once under my goal time. My official race I signed up for is this coming Saturday! I didn’t put any time to put this in perspective. Today is October 13, 2019. I cannot write well on this side of the page. I passed my FE exam from 10 days ago! I can officially be called an engineer in training. This could theoretically increase my job prospects. My friend Alison and I are almost through Game of Thrones, 3 more episodes on the last season. Don’t know if we’ll be watching anything after that, we should be able to finish tomorrow. Haven’t been to a rave in 3 months lol but that’s pretty easy to achieve with being broke and living at home. But also probably good my drug consumption has decreased significantly these last few months. My vape may or may not be a little broken. I’ve read a good amount of books, mostly self help books. Feel like most 20 somethings start going through a self-help phase. Well this week recently I’ve been getting enough sleep and falling asleep at a consistent tie. Really helps to keep my energy constant through-out the day. I think my fashion choices have also improved, mostly due to more conscious clothing purchase decisions and better color coordination. I’ve also educated myself more on beer and am developing a taste for it. Oh hmm I’ve fucked up. The rest of this booklet I’ve been writing on one side of each page. My online flirting game has gotten better? Idk if that’s a plus or not all I found out from this summer is that the gays are a mess and flakes. So my dating life continues to be stagnant although I have a date set-up next Friday so I’m gonna cross my fingers for that. I discovered that I’m in love with music from Chelsea Cutler and Jeremy Zucker. Wanna see them live hopefully when I’m less broke and get my life together a little more. I’ve done a bit more exploring around Sac so I’m not so uneducated about my own city. I keep my room pretty organized, although I want to do a second closet purge sometime soon, maybe next month when I reevaluate my outerwear for winter.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Happiness

I wrote something in a small notebook a few years ago. I’m going to write it onto here because I thought it was a really interesting entry I wrote about happiness:

What is the meaning of life? Well my really good friend asked me this question not that many days ago. I couldn’t really think of a great answer so I just said that there is no meaning to life.There are other people besides me who have had this answer and there is even a name for this belief [nihilism], which I can’t remember right now but I can’t look it up now because the internet is down in my house. I learned about this branch of belief not that long ago actually. I think what I need to do honestly is figure out a good meaning of life, not some hopeless thoughtless answer. I need to think out things more, but I don’t know how, so maybe this notebook can help me. Philosophy isn’t really my realm, and I think that I’m lacking in my creative thinking as of late. Too much substance use has dont his to me or I’m just too lazy to care too much about philosophy. My friend always think of questions to ask so maybe I need to start there, ask more questions. Ok let me do that, what is the point of my existence? I’ve always thought of me and my liveliness as a child, thought what would be if I wasn’t alive, what would the universe be if everything disappeared. Maybe my overthinking from when I was younger made me slightly out of place and unhappy and so I decided to push those thoughts away so I could be happier. So my existence, why? I make other people happy, add positivity to their lives, but have I always been this way? Not really, I was pretty cooped up in my pre-adult time, didn’t go out to socialize with people, hang out with others, etc. Pretty dead life honestly. I didn’t know how to hit up people to hang out. That made me a very tense person, and I would keep many thoughts and feelings to myself, but now I can express those things better, still could work on that but there isn’t much that makes me unhappy. I appreciate a lot more in general than I used to. I appreciate nature, conveniences, people, my family a lot more. I love my family more than I did when I was younger, especially my sister Monica. [But I love my parents and my other sister a lot, I don’t really know what I was saying when I wrote this all down.]

Well my friend’s answer to the meaning of life is to find happiness. It kind of sounds like reaching Nirvana but it’s not like that I guess. Nirvana is like transcending above life. Finding happiness in life is kind of an unending goal. Some people find happiness in what they’re passionate about like their job or their hobby. Many people find happiness in material things like clothes, cars, toys, electronics, you name it. Happiness can also come from the people you truly love and that may be enough. But if so many things can bring happiness, how come some people never find a thing to make them happy? I’m not talking about depression, I’m just talking about skeptic people in this world, the negative people. Or some people need everything in the world to be happy. but no on can have everything the world has to offer. So maybe the happiest people in the world are minimalistic in their needs. Some people are just so thankful to be alive that they can be happy with their existence as it is. Those people basically have their life figured out. So is my purpose in this world to graduate college, find a job, make lots of money and get married? [Literally I got to the find a job part, I’m pretty on track with this.] I don’t know if it’ll be that exact order but most likely. How can I find the love of my life if I need to be career driven, is that my focus? Where could my thoughts be if I wasn’t a person, if I didn’t have a brain that pumps out these thoughts? Do thoughts circulate through people, does the same thoughts occur to many people, people must brush off thoughts like these all the time and they just drift away to other people. And then someone writes down thoughts that they accumulate and then shares it to the world. Maybe thoughts stop going around once a person gets it down on paper so it becomes permanent and people don’t have to waste their time making the same thoughts that are known to everyone else already. But the brain can think infinitely, it won’t ever stop. It’s truly all in one’s brain what happiness means to them. Every brain grows up differently, so there is some explanation as to why some people need more to be happy than others. If you’re used to the luxuries of living in the first world, then you need more first world stuff to be happy. But some people find later in life that they’d rather put the happiness of others before themselves, but that in turn makes them happier. Happiness is subject to opinion in the end, you do you as they say.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Doubts, Sentiments, and Romantic Feels

For some reason I kind of missed raving recently. I haven’t gone to anything big since July last year, so it’s been about 7 months now. I hope that with my new income source coming soon that I can tap back into the live music realm again. I don’t want to go to too many things, but I have friends that want to go to things in the next few months already haha.

I’m starting work in a week, and it really hasn’t hit me yet. It’s kind of surreal since I’ve never had an actual job of any type. Am I going to do well? Will I be able to live up to the hype that I gave for myself during the interviews I had? Well I know that I want to work hard and learn well on the job, that’s for sure. I’m ready to make that move in life and progress towards my independence. Really shooting to move out of the house sometime next year, if not then the year after. But first things first is that I need to buy my own car. I’m kind of not sure what car to get right now at least, but I know that I want to get that car. Maybe I’ll save around $30,000 for that new car so I have some options.

Speaking of savings in general, I’ve been doing a lot of research about money and finances in preparation of what to do with my money when I get it. It’s kind of a daunting topic that I really have no experience in. But I’m trying to learn as much as I can about it so that I can avoid mistakes and make some good decisions for the present and the future. I’m really looking forward to managing money, it’ll give me the freedom that I’ve wanted all of these years. To do everything I want without the guilt of having my parents give me money to do whatever it is that I want. The thoughts of guilt have invaded my mind for so many years, I mean mostly around when I started spending a lot more money. I’ve mentioned before how grateful I’ve been for my parents having the finances to support my sort of extra life that I want to live. But a part of me has learned to be sort of frugal since I was spending their money and not my own. I’m by no means the most frugal, but I can sort of confidently say that I’m more frugal than the average person my age. I try to take advantage of useful free stuff whenever I can. I limit the amount of unnecessary items I buy. Everything that I get has to be super functional and practical and long lasting so that I can use whatever the thing is many times over.

I think when I was younger I was super materialistic, and that I wanted many things. But now I only want things after I’ve thought about a particular item for a long enough time where I know for sure I can have a higher quality life with said item if I bring it into my life. I think the only time that I get things that aren’t necessary are gifts from family or friends. Everything that I’ve gotten from friends though are really thoughtful, and I appreciate everything that I receive.

I’ve gone on a giant ass tangent oh my, I was originally going to keep blabbling on about how I miss raving. Once my first paycheck comes in I’m going to get some tix for some events for sure. Like I need to pay someone back for an event I’m going to next month, and one friend has asked me to go to another two events. So yeah I’ve got my events lined up.

I guess I have some sort of an update in terms of my dating ish situation. So yeah I’ve been talking to one girl for about a month now, and I’ve seen her like 4 times? I have some sort of an inkling that she likes me, but I don’t exactly have any feelings for her at the moment. I’m not sure if I should make any moves if I’m not feeling a particular type of way. I like that I have someone to text everyday, but I’m not sure how to shift it into a more romantic direction. I got pizza with her, thrift shopped, went for boba (where she bought my boba), and then we watched a couple movies together at her place in her bed. I really don’t know what to expect moving forward. I talked to one of my close friends about this and he was saying I could just take things really slow. I think that’s a good idea, because I’m not sure what’s going to come out of this and what I really want. I’m really scared of making moves for some reason, like I just can’t get myself to do anything. Romantic stuff makes me squeemish still. I’m kind of still a kid in that sense. Or maybe I’m asexual but that’s not possible because I like being physical.

I read this thing on a FB page called SQUAD+ and someone posted about the fact that they don’t really feel sparks with anyone anymore. The post kind of hit home for me, I haven’t had any infatuation since 4 years ago with the first girl that I liked. I haven’t had that initial spark with anyone that I met. It’s kind of sad to me, but I think that there is much more than meets the eye than I initially thought. Some people commented on the post that they don’t think that relationships driven by emotion are the best ones. Taking time to develop good lasting relationships is that way to go, especially if you’re older and mature. I think I need to take that advice for myself. Find someone that I can grow with for a lifetime, not something that has a lot of fire from the start and could potentially could be put out early on. But maybe I need something in between a spark and a more gradual build to a steady fire. I think something that I’m big on for a future relationship is for the other person to kind of have their shit together and not be all over the place. The girl I’m talking to is kind of a more together than most of the other girls I’ve talked to. Well there was one other girl that had her shit together but she wasn’t into me so that’s that. Maybe that was too together lol. But yeah I’m going to see where the romance takes me these next couple weeks, months, maybe years?

Anyways that’s been kind of my life update since Valentine’s Day, I have a job, maybe a girl soon, and excited for what’s to come the rest of this year. Oh yeah the democratic primaries gonna happen next month, SO Y’ALL VOTE IF YOU’RE IN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IN THE USA. IDK WHO I WANT TO VOTE FOR TBH.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Valentines Day woooo

I’m losing title ideas haha. Well today is the day where I’m still the same relationship status as I was for the last 22 years of my life. I really wonder if I’m capable of loving anyone at all. Like I haven’t felt a severe crush for anyone in 4 years. That’s kind of wayyy longer than I would’ve thought. It makes me wonder, if someone likes me, should I give it a shot and see if I develop feelings? But I know feelings kind of have to be mutual. BUT IDK LIKE WHAT IF MY MUTUAL FEELING JUST GROWS ONCE I COMMIT TO SOMETHING. I could kind of equate it to my experience of getting my degree in Structural Engineering. All the things about the major were good, and it appealed just enough to me where I was content with completing the major. It wasn’t like I was in love with it from the start, it kind of grew on me. Is that fucked up that I would consider going into a relationship with this similar formula? Just do it and grow into it?

I’m kind of lost, and the reason that I’m bringing this up in the first place is because I think that a girl likes me? But I can’t be entirely sure, and I’m not sure if I want to make any moves. I’m too baby for this.

Well I hope whoever reads this, you have a good day everyday whether or not you have a significant other or others. I think romance is the most go with the flow aspect of life. Nothing else is so unpredictable and uncalculated. Like I really can’t make any judgments on how the other person feels. I have to just go with my intuition and not be afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, I just can move on to the next person. There’s a lot of people out there, and I still haven’t done my thing of asking someone out in public. Well idk if it’ll be necessary if I just keep going aggressively at dating apps.

I’m gonna enjoy my me time now, goodnight world.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Ho season?

I’m gonna be real for a minute: I’ve never had sex with a girl despite being gay. Part of the reason is that I’ve always just wanted to share this supposedly special moment with someone that I really like. I think that’s the mentality for many who do it for the first time. As I get older though, I don’t really know if that matters that much anymore. Like sex is and should be a part of normal life. I personally think I need to not treat it as such a big deal. We all do it eventually (or not you do you), and I kind of want to get the first time over with. I have had a couple opportunities, but I just didn’t really feel like it. Or I’m kind of scared? Or I just don’t want to not be good? But then again a lot of people say doing it with a different person is like doing it for the first time. Because everyone has their preferences.

I think I’m getting to the point basically that I’m considering ho-ing around. Like it wouldn’t hurt, just gotta be safe and make sure that the other person respects my boundaries and vice versa. I joked recently that I might be lowkey asexual, but that’s not true. I really like girls, duh, but it’s just that I haven’t gotten to that super intimate stage with anyone.

Alright, yeah there’s this girl that’s kind of asking me if I’m any good with strap-on today. So that’s why I’m contemplating this opportunity basically. Well first of all I need to let her know I don’t know anything for the most part besides what I’ve seen online (yes porn don’t judge). I might just take that leap of faith, so here we go... I might update y’all about this later. I just sent a message to her now that I have no experience but I’d be down to do the thing. LMAO, yeah hope you all have a good Valentine’s weekend. Not me tho I don’t got a boo down and frankly this be just a big marketing scam.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Took a short dip

I got stood up for the first time today. Like dating wise? Well this girl I matched with on Bumble was super insistent on hanging out with me like the day that we matched, about a week ago. I told her that I was busy and needed to be prepared for some interviews. So I said that I would be free on last week on Friday. I ended up going on a different date, and I didn’t reply to her until the weekend. I guess I should feel bad because I didn’t follow through with a promise, but we didn’t plan anything beforehand. So I don’t really think I should feel bad, I just said I should be free that Friday.

And then last night I said I would be free today. So we had decided to meet at a Starbuck’s at 12pm. We finally had some plans set, cool, so I went to sleep. Then I messaged her 20 minutes before 12 that I was going to head over. I arrived and waited for her, book in hand and coffee to wake me up (finally). She doesn’t show up or reply to me for an hour and a half. I just read and scroll through my phone for a bit. Then around 1:30pm she apologizes and says she overslept. Now honestly any of y’all could take this one of two ways. Oversleeping, it happens. I get it. But also for most humans, I would say waking up at 1 in the afternoon is absurdly late. Like unless you do graveyard shift or something or maybe you have insomnia I wouldn’t blame you. But like I don’t really care about that in the end, she disrespected my time and honestly she was so insistent last week about meeting up that I thought she would’ve wanted to show up on time. Like really insistent.

Anyways she says she overslept and then says that she’s busy and asked if we could do a later time. I didn’t reply to her and I had to go pick up my sister from school. I got home and then ate a snack with her. I changed into PJ’s and had the intention of napping around 4. I saw a notification on Bumble and I saw that she asked if I was free at 4. Now I know some people are spontaneous about meeting up on dating apps. But I’m kind of a more cautious person who needs to talk with you for a bit before I can trust meeting in person. Also I’m the kind of person who needs to schedule a time way in advanced nowadays. I like the time to mentally prepare and be in the right mindset for the interaction. 4 in the afternoon today I was so tired that I needed to take a nap, and honestly was not down to go out to be social. Now I could be nice and tell her she needs to work on being punctual, but I don’t really want to put in the effort to say this to her. I don’t even know her at all, so why should she deserve my energy.

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she had trouble going to sleep last night, but I don’t think I want to try to hang out with someone that can’t be punctual. That’s one of my standards with my future wifey. I think the moral of this story is that you should never compromise on what you want in a partner. Like if you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you. That’s that. Never go into any relationship where the energy isn’t equal there. You and your partner should be putting in the same effort to love each other and if there’s an imbalance, there needs to be some sort of conversation and maybe that involves moving on.

2020, I want to find someone that can match energy, that’s all I want. Please give me the perfect gay woman AHHHHHHHHH.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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2020 BECAME MY BITCH

Sorry for the profane title, BUT I HAVE SOME HUGE NEWS. LIKE I SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISED BUT I WAS SHOCKED. CUZ I GOT A JOB OFFER. OMG THAT FEELING YESTERDAY WAS ALMOST OUT OF CONTROL BUT I CONTROLLED IT. So around 10 am yesterday morning, I got the call from my recruiter, and I smiling stupidly. SO STUPIDLY. I had a date two hours from the call so I REALLY WAS SHOOK AND HAD TO HARNESS THAT ENERGY. Well the hype kind of passed now but damnnnn, job hunting for about 5 months and honestly, this experience has really been something. I was literally at the cusp of the amount of time that people usually take to find a job.

I’M HONESTLY SO GRATEFUL THAT THIS I FOUND SOMETHING. JUST ABOUT DONE WITH INTERVIEWING. I kind of didn’t try today lmaooooo, like legit I was really not feeling it this morning. I think I have more of a sense of relief that I can finally fund my own crackhead shit. Financial freedom is real tho, like I can feel it. But also I think the job that I took on will be really beneficial for myself and the community. I’ll be working on power lines, and that shit is super relevant right now. I thought I had more to say about getting this offer call but I don’t think I have enough words to describe what I was feeling all day. I called like 7 different people to talk about it my lord. I truly love all of my friends so much, their support towards me. Everyday.

BUT I’M ALSO TALKING TO GIRLS FOR MORE THAN ONE WEEK WHAT A SHOCKER MAYBE I’LL HAVE A GIRL BY VALENTINE’S DAY JUST MAYBE. I’M EXCITED FOR THIS YEAR NOW GOTTA MAKE THE BEST OF IT. START ADULTING FINALLY. GONNA HAVE SOME ASSURANCE THAT I’M DOING LIFE GOOD RIGHT NOW.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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I had an existential crisis today

Nothing super serious, I was just really bored after my job interview today. Around 1pm, after I had eaten lunch and gone through a couple YouTube videos, I had no idea what to do with myself. I ran out of time playing my games because I set time limit for certain apps on my phone. I went to pick up my youngest sister from her middle school around the usual time I do. I came home, ate a banana and then proceeded to browse on my phone some more. I helped my sister do some of her homework and then laid on her bed until I got myself to go run. I have really found myself at a point where I kind of don’t know what to do with myself. I’m actively trying to limit my time on my phone and laptop. I’ve unsubscribed from a lot of YouTube channels I don’t watch anymore. Basically this whole month I’ve done a lot of Social Media cleansing. It’s been nice, but now I need a different outlet to spend the free time I still have left until I officially get a job.

Laying on my sister’s bed, I realize now I haven’t reached that high of a level of boredom in a while. I’ve picked up reading again as a way to fill up my time. I’m still exercising here and there to make use of my body. I think I need a third extracurricular, maybe that should be piano. I haven’t played the piano in ages, maybe I should integrate learning those songs I printed out in my mornings. Not sure where those are. Maybe draw a bit everyday? I’ve played around with the idea of making videos for the Tube but I have no idea what content I would create. I don’t want to hang out with people too much for right now because I don’t wanna spend too much money. I’ve reached the point where I REALLY want to have my own money to spend.

Today doesn’t really sound particularly interesting, but I really just need to have a new purpose, another activity to fill my void of time. I’ve already been looking on LinkedIn a lot more than I usually do (but that’s good, there was an article today that made me double check my resume). Alright definitely think I need to look into volunteering again, call that lady I met during my volunteering at that 5k back on Thanksgiving. But goodnight y’all, I’m thankful that I’ve had this time to reflect. Now I’m gonna go brush my teeth, write in my workout journal, and watch some Phineas and Ferb with my youngest sister.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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Year of the Rat

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR TO Y’ALL!

This is the first time that I’ve been home to celebrate with my family in 4 years. Being in San Diego I had other obligations that I was dealing with and I didn’t want to fly back and forth so soon after Winter Break. So yeah kind of been out of the game for a while, and I would always be late to get all of my red envelopes. But I’m home again, at least this year.

My mom said something so reassuring to me last night when she gave me my red envelope. She said a phrase in Cantonese that translates to “You can do anything you want!” It’s really nice to hear that when especially since I’m in a point in my life that I’m really able to do anything. The sky’s the limit for me, I’m in full control of what goes on in my life now for the most part. I’m still dependent on my parents, but I’m thankful for them for giving me the support I need to start my path to independence.

Anyways what I wanted to talk about was my family dynamic in general. I know that everyone has weird family dynamics, families are just generally weird overall. A big source of drama for many. Since I’ve been away on and off for 4 years, there were things that happened that I wasn’t home to witness. My grandpa in particular has been spreading not great vibes to the rest of my fam. I didn’t think much of it during my time away, but coming back home, I realized how much my parents kind of don’t like my grandpa. He gambled a lot in past years, and that has taken a big toll on my dad. I don’t think my dad really likes him all that much, like not even way back in the day. Whenever my grandpa says anything I feel like my dad is just putting up with him. My dad feels an ultimate responsibility to still care for my grandpa though. I get it, family runs deep for Asians. I just didn’t realize how kind of irresponsible my grandpa has been up until recently. Like he’s just been a part of my life but he really never earned much attention from me.

My mom also just doesn’t really like him because he’s pissed her off on multiple occasions. I’ve seen him make her cry like once, and there were things that he did when I was gone that made her mad. It really got to her at one point apparently because my dad had to have a pep talk with her. He told me about the pep talk.

And then finally my one year younger sister kind of could less shits about him now. He upset her one day, like a bit after my youngest sister kind of passed out from dehydration and she had to go to the hospital. My grandpa was saying something and not listening to my one year younger sister. She cried and he decided to stop talking and left her. I was the only person she told about this. It really hurt me that he upset her and she didn’t want to tell anyone about the conversation.

Basically he’s made everyone mad at some point, and everyone kind of more or less just avoids him in the house for the most part. I really can’t stand that he made everyone mad, so I’m passive as well. I don’t really know what to do when he’s around, like I just feel a weird tension all of the time when my grandpa is in the same room as everyone. Which is basically every night for dinner. I just don’t know how everyone can be like this everyday tbh. Like I kind of don’t like having this weird energy every night, I’d rather eat alone at that point. I think that’s something I kind of miss from living for myself. I would just cook and eat for myself and not have to worry about anyone bothering me.

I don’t know if the family dynamic is going to be like this until I leave the house, but if it is then I kind of want to get out of this ASAP. Well cheers to the Chinese New Year’s, it’s the year of the Rat. Next year will be my year, which means I’ll be 24. Oh man I’m getting older, but that’s how time works.

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

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ME 3.0

So we started the new year 3 weeks ago, kinda crazy. I’ve had a pretty productive month, which I’m happy about. I think the next step in my career is right around the corner.

Now to address the actual elephant in the room with this post: dating. I mentioned last time I would catch you all up on that. I stopped dating for about a couple months now. The last girl I was talking to gave me way too much hope and she ended up ghosting me. Not the first time this has happened, so moving on for good lol. I decided about a couple weeks ago as I was cranking out my interviews that I maybe should go psycho with the dating apps. Swipe right on every single person. Because, like what’s the harm of getting more matches, you can un-match them the minute you aren’t interested. So yeah I did that and honestly I’ve gotten the most matches in a span of a week than I had probably all of last year. I was kinda impressed with myself. Now don’t get me wrong, only a few of the matches I had I was interested in talking to. And... that amounts to about 6 people out of who knows how many. And now to narrow it down even more I’m really talking to about 4 of those people since I started again. I got a date planned for next week, and the other 3 people I think I’ll end up being more friends with. We’ll see, only time will tell. Would I want to go on dates with those other 3, yes but only if they agree.

I think I’ve held off dating the last couple months so that I could just reset myself. I focused on myself and getting somewhere I wanted to be mentally. It’s not like I was having any problems, it was just that I just got slightly discouraged from the last person I was talking to. Dating is kind of a precarious thing that I walk on. I’m not fully comfortable with it yet, but I really want to experience having a significant other. Not fully comfortable because I don’t know still how dates are supposed to go, and whether or not I’m doing the right thing during them. Like am I still talking too much, do I set a time limit on things. I think I need to be more strict with how long I talk to people at one time. Thankfully for my date coming up I’ll have to go pick up my youngest sister afterwards so that’ll definitely put a cap on it.

I never know if I should give someone a kiss after a date, but what if they don’t want to, what if they do want to. I hate all that little stuff, details that I somehow can’t seem to work in. Like literally the last time I kissed a girl was on NYE last year at a rave. That’s not the only kiss that I wanted last year but that’s what it turned out to be.

Hopefully I will have a good update to give y’all on my date after next Wednesday. But for now this is where I’m at with the whole dating situation. Maybe I’ll have someone before Valentine’s Day???

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