geodesicinquiry - Tumblr blog

geodesicinquiry · 7 years

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Wow I'm posting on tumblr for the first time in years because no one follows me on here and I don't have any paper near me and I need to write. I was broken up with approximately four weeks ago from a relationship that lasted almost four years. I was certainly optimistic in my relationship but I believed we were in an ok spot. We were living in our second place together, we had a yard, lived near a bunch of dogs, and had two cats that were literally our lives. Looking back, I realized I was so fucking in love with you I didn't allow myself to put together the signs. We had sex maybe 7 times in the entirety of our most recent move in our house, that being almost 9 months. We shared less and less about our days, challenges, problems, etc. We always slept naked, though when you were on your period you would wear shorts. That last week you wore clothes to bed every fucking day. You barely made your presence known when you were home, which was pretty much only to sleep. I would cuddle and spoon you tightly, knowing that I would never have this with you again. You always said you wanted to sleep on your side, but that last week you turned your back to me in spite, sick of looking at my remarkably unappealing naked body, mouth-breathing stature, and obnoxiously loud snore. You wore that Bowie sweater and short shorts all week. I was trying to ignore this leading up to Wednesday, but I couldn't anymore. I took a shower because you were laying there not talking to me. I came back, turned the light off and put a Netflix show on. You were still up. No longer looking at your phone but still noticeably awake. About five minutes past, I looked over to you and began to have a panic attack. I was sobbing uncontrollably after 30 seconds, already accumulating an insane amount of snot. You tried to ignore it by pretending to be asleep. It got worse and worse, I was shaking so much from the anxiety, crying louder and wetter than I ever have before. You were still content on letting me suffer. After more time, I hugged you one last time, grasping at you, desperately trying to get you to elicit some type of emotion towards this situation. I wrapped around your head because I didn't know what else to do; you told me not to grab you like that. For the next hour, I sat completely naked in the bed, keeping myself in a ball, muscles so tense I believed they would snap, snot absolutely covering myself and the bedsheets, cry-heaving so hard I almost threw up several times. I tried to talk to you as you were listing off reasons why this is no longer working, I physically could not get myself to speak. You told me you had been with friends crying and telling them all you needed to break up with me. I'm not mad at you for this, you needed to do what was best for you. You told me had I not brought it up you were gonna break up with me AFTER YOU GOT BACK FROM YOUR FUCKING TRIP TO FRANCE. You were going to postpone this so you could have a worry free vacation and deal with my shitty ass when you got back. I'm sure you think that was some way of doing a favor to me but that is really fucked up, and I am mad at that. You still didn't show any emotion towards what was the worst panic attack of my entire life. I helped you through so many attacks within your life, I thought you out of all people would relate to the feeling I was currently feeling. You barely cried the whole time. At one point I mumbled something along the lines of I feel like I can't even touch you anymore. This was met with silence. I cried so much I was in physical pain. You went to the couch and fell asleep. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep the night after either. I had two hours of sleep on the third day. I didn't eat until Friday evening. I immediately started smoking again and am back at roughly a pack every two days. I wanted to meet with you and talk about things, you kept postponing it. Eventually it happened, we met in the park by our (nope this is my house now) house. It was fucking weird. You said you were numb which is why you weren't showing much emotion. Personally I think that was not true, as your personality is extremely emotional. You never asked me how I was doing. I was going to show up smoking because the shitty part in me wants you to know how I'm doing. You couldn't even ask me that. I know our relationship was not without problem, but I viewed it as a combination of us slowing down and settling in, me being so FUCKING oblivious to these problems, and you not being able to express to me what is going on. I still don't fully know what was going on, because I don't think you actually expressed your true feelings for me. You messaged me halfway through your trip or so, pretending everything is ok, showing me this band you had seen the night before. I said it was cool, but I didn't even fucking listen to it. You blocked me from seeing your posts on Facebook. You didn't tell me you did this, and if I brought it up to you you'd get defensive and tell me it was for helping to separate or some shit. You could never fucking apologize about this kind of stuff. You got home earlier today so I am staying at my sisters house so you can recover from your plane ride. I asked you when you'd be back seeing if I needed to feed the cats. This interaction was fine. I left band practice after a cig and a short bike ride to my sisters house. I was feeling on edge all day knowing you're back in town, having the reality of this situation thrown back at me. Dealing with you moving out, dealing with us balancing our friends, dealing with us eventually having to pretend to be friends so our friend group doesn't have to alienate one of us. Being the pathetic piece of trash I am, I downloaded the tinder app to see what it was all about. I connected it to my Facebook, chose my least ugly photos, wrote a stupid bio, and linked my Spotify profile hoping for once someone be impressed with my musical taste. Tinder is pretty fucking dumb. I swipe left on two individuals, then you fucking appear. YOU HAVE A TINDER PROFILE. It's all set up with pictures of you from your trip and a silly bio about you paying more attention to someone's pets than them, with a sorry in parenthesis after that. Ultimately, this is an act I'm not mad at. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do, hell I felt some strange urge to download that shit hole myself. I'm mad that you have a tinder profile not even four weeks after breaking up with me, with two of the main reasons being you wanted to learn how to be more independent, and you wanted to be on your own, aka single. I don't believe these reasons anymore. Whether or not you actually use that fucking app, it's designed to make people become either attracted to each other enough to fuck, or enough to start seeing each other. I downloaded that fucking thing because I don't want to be alone, you told me you did. That's fucking me up so much right now, and I know if I talked to you about it you'd get defensive. You never saw my side in any of the arguments we had, instead you would call me stubborn and continue to retort. We had so much sex when we started dating. It was like a cliche fucking movie, that first six months or so was fucking remarkable. We never had a sexual dialogue though, we never talked about what the other wanted or what we wanted. This was true of our relationship in general. You were raped by our former very close friends, and that affected our relationship in a lot of ways. You were up and down so much, and I was with you and beside you the whole time. We didn't have a lot of sex after that incident, which was more than justified. I never pushed the issue with you on that. You went through something more tragic than I know I ever will, and it understandably affected your sex drive. We actually had a pretty good conversation about that, as we had gone almost five months without having sex. Sex isn't the solution to relationships but for me it's hard to be that intimate with someone without having sex from time to time. We talked a lot about this, reasonable talks where we both expressed and listened to each other. You even suggested I try and find someone to have sex with. At the time I couldn't think of ever doing that (haha monogamy), but I should've pursued that further. It would've opened a better line of communication between us without a doubt. I'm honestly fucking crushed. I've been depressed most of my life, but I've never felt as bad as I currently do. I will be going to therapy again soon. I cry every single day. I was planning my entire life with you, and you stopped loving me long ago. You put yourself through not loving me for a long time because I don't think you could handle breaking up with me. You didn't love after our fight at art a whirl, that was the dividing line in our relationship. You let yourself sign a two fucking year lease in a house neither of us could afford on our own because you couldn't fucking break up with me. You've left me fucked up and crushed while you're using tinder and seemingly far removed from me. You were over our breakup before it even happened.

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geodesicinquiry · 11 years

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