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Considerations

It’s very strange to be doing what has felt like was impossible.

Not there yet, probably never will be entirely, but I’m so much better than I once was. I guess I do have him to thank for helping me get there. Sometimes you can only learn through heartbreak and humiliation.

I cannot imagine entering someone’s life after they’ve spent the past few years obsessing over one person and I feel bad for putting whoever comes next through that. Not that I have to say anything, but it’s kind of a big part of my lore at this point.

I hate that I’m talking like I’m going to be taken soon. I truly love a self-sabotage.

I just really need to be held tenderly soon. And kissed by someone who wants me as much as I want them.

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Things about my childhood:

Airplane sounds

Airplane Sounds

airplane sounds

Cassette Rewinding

I think you are what I was looking for

For Whom the Bell Tolls & Salat

What do you do?

It's hard to remember

The Lost Art of DVD Menus

I never want to have to look back

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Thank you for the ride though

Because wow that was crazy

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Finally

I don't want to jump the gun - Typically when I get overly hopeful about something is when I set myself up for greater disappointment, but I can’t believe I’m finally excited to go on a date with someone.

He’s tall, pretty, seems interesting, with good taste and we communicate well. I usually hate chatting before meeting, but this has been going very effortlessly. I love that despite how much we’ve talked, I still kind of know nothing about him, and vice-versa.

I wonder what he’s going to sound like.

Evidently, it’s so difficult for me to not go crazy right away. It’s just so rare for me to be interested in someone that when I am, I immediately start getting wrapped up in it.

Like, we still have not met and here I am telling the world I can see myself with this person. I think it’s fair to say the desperation isn’t able to hide itself anymore. After all, I’m turning 27 in less than a week and I have yet to be able to say I’ve experienced love. Romantic love, that is.

It's very alienating to never have been so intoxicated by another person that your whole life starts warping around them. I’ve felt that to a certain degree - but I do believe love only comes once it’s a two way street. I’ve only barely explored the tip of that feeling.

Anyway, Aiden suggested we bike on the day of my birthday and I’m so keen. I've always wanted a bike date, so to have it be offered definitely made my heart sing a little.

Of course, there’s definitely a risk of wasting my time with a stranger instead of friends I love on my day of birth, but I also kind of find that thrilling in a way. If it goes well, I feel like that’d be the nicest thing I could do for myself, especially after the fiasco endured with Big. Not that I think about him much these days.

Yes, I bring him up all the time, but I don’t yearn for him anymore. Thank God.

Back to Aiden though, I’m not telling him that it’s my birthday until I see how it goes. It’s funny how the people I am most fearful of showing interest in are usually the ones that I end up chasing in the end. Maybe this time the chase will be mutual and turn into what I've been seeking for so long.

I don't know. I'm tired

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Transitioning

I haven’t written seriously in a minute.

It’s been quite peaceful since the storm. I found something I wrote on the plane (airport?) prior to it and still, it’s pretty representative of the situation at hand. I like when I freehand my thoughts onto paper, it’s usually more faithful to how I feel, which somehow also ends up more concise (surprisingly).

I do find that words pour out of me better when I don’t think about them. I guess I’m true to the surrealists – automatism is my best method.

It easily gets a clogged and convoluted in the head.

Anyway, going back to the topic at hand, I’m so happy. It only took almost 3 years for me to stop longing for a person that obviously doesn’t want me. I know that deep down I’ll forever have a place for him. Not to be dramatic, but he’s kind of one in a million you know. I’m glad we have this entanglement though. I don’t think you forget someone like that, but who knows.

I simply feel nothing pulling me towards him anymore – for obvious reasons. After all, we are not made for each other, we live on opposite ends of the world, and he is kind of an asshole – to me. He truly lived up to his Mr. Big title.

I’ve been talking to someone since. I kind of hate that it’s been going good. He reminds me a bit of Big, except much nicer. I don’t want to be one to compare, but that’d be not impossible, but also a disservice to myself, I think.

I’m not the bitch to settle, point blank.

I hate that he truly feels like my Aiden. Similar build, comes from  a smaller city, has to live in the shadow of the man I’d forever jump in bed with despite how bad it is for me. I don’t condone cheating, but I don’t blame Carrie – despite her insanity.

This is all speculation though, we still haven’t met so we’ll see. Part of me hopes it doesn’t go well because it’d be awful to read this back again once in a relationship lol. I don’t want to have high hopes, but I can’t lie and say this hasn’t been the smoothest talking stage I’ve had in a long time, and sue me, but I am hopeful.

I also feel a sense of freedom I haven’t in so long.

G (A is already taken) is visiting from LA, and it’s been such a blast. What a friendship I cherish. I’m so excited to have experienced breakup two point O and to have the opportunity to make more wholesome connections.

I missed him, but it also feels like we never split ways. Technically, we’ve split ways through out our friendship so perhaps that’s why it works. I think we’re going to the pool today and getting Chinese.

I’m currently listening to the b2b mix we recorded at Pirate studios and for once, I think I can say it’s good? C+ as he described it, which I’m down to agree with. Maybe even B- at times.

I actually am so happy currently, like truly happy. Fuck Big.

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How many more years do you think we'll see each other grow through curated glimpses?

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From Montreal

Jour 1 - May 3rd - Anger and Humiliation

Je sais que ça n’a pas d’importance, mais ça me joue dans la tête depuis.

Il y avait-il une autre raison pourquoi tu m’as renvoyé chez moi au milieu de la nuit?

Ok.

J’espère que tu as bien dormis.

C’etait plus humiliant qu'attristant.

Je hais que tes derniers baisers étaient remplis de pitié.

As if my moans weren't still echoing through your apartment.

Le changement d’atmosphere etait brusque et deboussolant tel une giffle

Confuse quant a comment nous en sommes arrive la, apres tant de mots de passion.

Tu as tant de differents regards pour moi.

Some feel like bliss others like hell.

J'imagine que je n’aurai jamais de reponse

je sais que ce n’était que du sexe, mais c’est dommage car ca aurait ete bien d’au moins finir sur une bonne note 

Ce qui m'attriste c'est que jai limpression d'a'voir ete avare

Que ca aurait ete mieux de ne pas se voir

Mais je ne comprends pas pourquoi je dois porter le fardeau

Quand tu es la raison pour ma presence ainsi que mon absence.

peut etre cest aussi pour ca que je narrive pas a consolider hier soir avec cet au revoir

Apres tout, ce sont tes mots qui m’ont saouler de charme.

Et m'ont bercé jusqu'au rivage.

Malheureusement, je t’aime plus que je ne devrais.

Et je sais que tu le sais, et c'est pour ca que tu me traite de la facon dont tu me traite.

je sais que j’etais que du sexe pour toi mais la facon dont je me suis sentie usee etait vraiment difficile a accepter

pourquoi finir sur un ton si sûr

je sais que je suis sensible mais quand meme

jetais a moitie endormie et choquee

cetait infantilisant, humiliant

i feel so silly for getting this upset but i also think it makes sense because it just felt so disrespectful

was asking for one last good kiss greedy

what did i do wrong

Jour 2 - May 4th - Sadness and Embarrassment

je sais que c’est du passé mais ça me trotte dans la tête depuis 

j’aimerais juste dire désolée de comment j’ai réagi chez toi

même si au fond je trouverai quand même ça injuste, j’espère que je n’ai pas ruiné ta soirée

ce voyage n’a vraiment pas été comme désiré et cetait la goutte qui a fait deborder le vase j’imagine

c’était un plaisir de te voir, comme toujours

bonne chance avec tes examens

desolée des larmes, cetait plus fort que moi

ce fut un voyage difficile et finir comme ca etait la goutte qui a fait deborder le vase j’imagine

Jour ∞ - Serenity and Clarity

i think the only way for me to move on is to pretend you dont exist

we were just good friends 

who happened to have good sex 

but is that what friends do?

like always i got greedy

my charm fell off the chain

laying down fixing my luck 

hoping he’s not looking at my chin

Until that very moment

you were perfect to me still

last time i saw you it was spectacular

this round wasn’t

you weren`t kidding when you said there was a risk of fire

i know you might think otherwise because i was loud again

but sometimes i get loud to mask what I lack

the louder i am the worst it is

maybe its me trying to convince myself im having a good time

so to have come all the way

to be sent away like a working girl

disrespected isn’t even weighty of a word

why did i feel compelled to say sorry

when im the one who left broken

kicking me out like i was begging for your touch

didnt it cross your mind that all i wanted was to share our heartbeat

the sex wasnt even worth losing sleep over for me either

and that laying next to you is always my favorite part

when our heartbeat becomes one

i feel like the luckiest girl in the world

and the everything stands still

when the tide goes up and kisses your feet

sometimes you treat me like a goddess 

other times like pest

and i cant tell if its my fault

if it was just sex

why wasn’t it?

i lost my pace again

why do i allow myself to be so vulnerable with you

when you show me nothing but artifice

it wasn’t tender

which was the best way for me to walk away

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Note

crazy how not whoring out your best years online actually feels better and is more fun but my archivist side is aching

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Where have I gone

You starve yourself to convince him you're worthy of attention.

You censor yourself so he keeps projecting onto you.

Do you feel loved? Desired?

When you see yourself together, does it feel true?

You have him at your fingertips but the thread is made of glass

Why do you cling on so desperately? What are you avoiding?

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tweet

It's funny how the more I think about what I write, the worse it gets.

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Precious thots

Writing this entry so I follow through.

I went to Brian Eno’s Documentary UK premiere on 4/20 and I’m not sure I’m exaggerating when I say it changed my life. Sometimes all you need is a push. Or a reminder that life isn’t labour, and that by limiting our creativity we are not only limiting ourselves, but also depriving others of beauty.

I want to start a very ambitious project that’s been roaming at the back of my head for a while. Not sure how I’m even going to start, but I know the direction I want.

I would love to incorporate everything. Text, video, music. Not be afraid to experiment sonically and to believe in myself. Every time I learn my favorite musicians have no formal musical training it reinvigorates something deep inside me. It saddens me also, to think of all the time I’ve wasted out of fear.

I’d like to explore different themes. For some reason I was gravitating towards 5. – the Five pillars maybe. The 5 pillars of my own religion.

Love, Family, Friendship, Work and the Self.

I think this is where I will start, and maybe adapt once I start working on it. I am excited by the potential new life it might take on its own.

Glad I thought about putting on Matmos… Perfectly encapsulates what I’d want to create: https://open.spotify.com/album/2vtOWcCtEYO6g99F4McXZ0?si=UJP0DkOnShu6YQTqI-bKbg

I want sounds from everything and everywhere and I’m glad I’ve spend a life of collecting trinkets of time.

Ideally, I’d love this project to be in an exhibition space, but I’ll have to check back on the feasibility of that happening. Maybe in Montreal would be more attainable, despite my absence.

Not sure if it was the weed, but I cried at the premiere. It’s so wonderful to feel heard and spoken for at the same time. To identify with words spoken by someone you look-up to and realize you are more alike what you admire than you might think. It was a lesson in self-love and learning to believe in oneself.

I forget the power of art. We are always so busy thinking about money and being distracted by nonsense that art often slips by. I am reminded of it in tiny blips during moments of truth – often provided by nature or laughter. I want to create truth now, if that’s even possible. But I guess if it is my truth, then it is one

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Pour lui

Pourquoi m'as-tu fais ca?

Biensûr que c’était sexy, mais n'as-tu pas honte d'être si égoïste? Le moment où j'atteins le haut de la montagne, tu as l'audace de me pousser.

Toute altitude accumulée ces dernières années, disparues en un croche-pied.

Pourtant, j'aime tellement t'avoir dans ma vie qu'au lieu de ressentir amertume, je n'éprouve que reconnaissance.

Je m'énerve et je me dis: "Tout cela en vaudrait la peine si au moins j'avais la promesse d'un titre". Cependant, même que ça me ferait gloutonne.

Je dois me contenter de faire l'amour une fois par an on me dit. Même là, c'est seulement si j’ai de la chance.

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To M

Drifting apart has made me discover lots about myself, and moving away did so even more.

I always took pride in being patient, and harbored feelings towards anybody who I felt like didn't match me.

they'd even ever reach you. Being on the other side of the table has been a bit trippy.

You afforded me so much grace, listened to so much of my naïve gibberish and trivial grievances. I’m trying to be like you for others who need a rock like you were to me and find myself falling short, which is funny for someone who’s always prided herself on her patience.

I get it now when you said we were at different stages. If anything, sometimes I wonder how we even worked for so long, but I think for that I have your grace and patience to thank.

As you can see, I’ve also learned to trim my texts lol.

Even far away, you continue to inspire me to be better.

I eat oatmeal almost every morning now.

Big hug from oversees x

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Love Point

Still haven't responded to Big...I am incorrigible it seems.

My God do I need to see him one last time. Until the next last time

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am i wasting my time or is this what art gets made out of

I’ve already written thousands of words about you and can easily write thousands more. An infinity well of feelings and thoughts, of unresolved questions and impossible riddles.

It’s like, what the fuck else am I supposed to be doing, you know? I tried dating and it’s not led me anywhere. I’ve tried loving and nothing comes close to what I feel for you. I realize we might never be together, but even the glimpses of romance I get with you are worth the months of drought - are worth a billion relationships with people where I am overly aware of the role I’m playing.

I am too judgemental to want anything else. Everyone else feels irrelevant next to you. How is anyone supposed to compare when you go above and beyond any expectation? I’ve been told the only way to get tied is to settle, but here I am, entangled with you, the best I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet.

I believe the best art is made from extremes, and you give me both ends of the spectrum: beautiful tenderness and the thrill of two people unable to fight their attraction for one another, but you also give me the complete opposite. A tragic unrequited love story, where despite the small wins, I will always end up a loser.

Anyway, I’ve got to pee. See you later. <3

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tail chasing

I was going to write a pretty bad, ED enabling post, but don’t know if I want to do this still… It’s tough. I don’t want to be that girl, but it’s true that I feel my best at my skinniest. It’s almost worse when you’re very aware of what a skinny body signifies. Technically, I am just as healthy when I am skinny as when I am not. Actually, I am most likely unhealthier when I am my smallest, but everyone knows it’s not about that.

Being skinny means you’re a part of this sort of “elite” class of people. You’re supposed to represent the epitome of attractiveness, displaying a sort of unspoken form of discipline (especially once you get older…). The exception being if you are born skinny, then that simply means you’ve won the genetic lottery - and what do humans love more than eugenics am I right?

What’s tragic is that that’s barely an exaggeration, if at all. We attribute more value to people born with certain features than those who have to pay to have them. Plastic surgery is definitely more accepted now than it was, but there is definitely a difference in the way two attractive people are perceived if one has gone under the knife and the other hasn’t.

Anyway, that was a tangeant. I had written this one diary entry about being skinny and how starving yourself is simply an extreme form of patriarchal submission. A man loves a tiny woman, for he feels like he’s won something. There was this tiktok I was ready to get annoyed at but she mentioned the way skinniness is used as social currency, and I guess she touched on something I’d been meaning to write about in a minute.

We all know that weather I have 20 pounds extra or less, I am the same person. The only differences that will arise from my personality will be a response to the way others interact with me once I’ve gone through those changes. There is a sort of unspoken and subconscious reverence towards skinniness that is so palatable as someone whose weight fluctuates through out the years.

If I gain weight, I will get treated in a way that puts me less on a pedestal. I might get approached less, complimented less. I might not like how I look on photos as much, thus maybe my confidence will take a blow (if I’ve never done the work to truly love myself). I will be aware of the way I am perceived, and thus will act accordingly.

On the flipside, if I lose weight, compliments start pouring in. All of sudden, I love how I look on pictures, I wear more revealing clothes and feel great in them. People are intimidated by me, want to know me, compliment me and want to be with me. I am important, I am beautiful and most of all, I am wanted. I become the prize and all I have to do is eat less? Of course it’s a tempting deal. Starvation is hard, but once you start getting a taste of the benefits, Kate Moss’ voice starts resonating in your head, and all of a sudden that dessert doesn’t look as appetizing anymore.

It’s a stupid game. Why even do all of this when you know how stupid it is? It’s definitely easier than learning how to love yourself I guess. But even still, is it really? Why are we allowing this shallowness to prevail, bending ourselves backwards for it? No se.

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games and shadows

I have about 5 minutes to burn before my work day is over. I’m not sure as to what I want to write about, or rather what I even have time to sneak in in those few minutes. I do want to mention how much I like R, my coworker. It feels so great to have someone so easy to talk to. Maybe she’s part of the reason why I feel no urge to socialize outside of work. It’s not always that you find someone with who conversation flows so easily. She helped me prep my message to Big today, as well as force me to send it when I did. Pretty glad she did, as I probably would’ve found  an excuse to wait one more day again, even though the one month mark was creeping up at an alarming rate.

Our last messages exchanged were February 27th…

You’d think he would’ve taken a bit longer to answer this time.

As usual though, he doesn’t even wait for his day to start before he responds. I can wait 2-3-4 weeks before responding to one of his innocuous messages and he will come back to me in just the time it takes me to compose myself.

I keep thinking I’ve lost him, and he keeps showing me I haven’t. Does he care more about me than I think? Or is he just pretending, the same way I’m pretending not to?

What a game we’re playing, but it seems like I will be able to see him in a month…Inshallah…