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I'll just leave it here

#mitski #bury me at makeout creek #Youtube

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It hit me right in the heart

phoebe waller-bridge, fleabag // margaret atwood, the robber bride

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wish i were her

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you're the sun and mitski is not the moon, she's not even a star. is she icarus?

#mitski

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the idea of a ‘best friend’ is just the highest form of tenderness like. it’s the epitome of choosing someone over and over, maybe even subconsciously because you just. know on some unspeakable level that your lives are supposed to be entwined, that the connection between you is fatefully significant and necessary 

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simmer - hayley williams / the bell jar - sylvia plath / cop car - mitski / judith slaying holofernes - artemisia gentileschi / fast as you can - fiona apple / animal- aurora / salome - jean benner / tonight i am someone else - chelsea hodson / wishbone - richard siken / ride - lana del rey

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A hopeless violence

I named it love

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Franklin Booth.

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Hiroshi Yoshida.

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Tough kids are the ones who were punished for being vulnerable and hurt. Nothing forces a kid to hide their pain like the promise of humiliation and pain, and awareness that no compassion will be shown for their pain. Abusive parents even go step further and insist their kids have to be “tough”, they have to endure screaming and insults, they have to stay impassive and stoic thru fear and pain and never demand to be paid attention to or comforted. This is not how we treat other human beings in society, that’s how we treat prisoners and criminals, those we don’t care about, those we condemned to a life of hidden suffering.

Sometimes children will have to go thru listening how bad and selfish they would turn out if they weren’t “tough”, names like wimp, coward, and sissy will be thrown around, as if those describe any single person except abusers. Children are forced to grow scared of their own vulnerability and pain, feeling as if they’re at fault if they show any kind of weakness or pain, as if that’s the problem, and not grown adults failing to give them any sort of care or nurturing. And children are grown like this for no other reason than for adults to be able to lash out at them and abuse them for personal satisfaction. Yelling “you’re tough, you can take it!” while abusing a child, as if they’re doing a favour to the kid.

Don’t go lashing out at tough kids, thinking this wont affect them. They’ve already been tortured enough. They’ve already hidden their pain too many times. They’re already piling up a mountain of things they’ve repressed and dissociated from because it was too much for a kid to handle. You’re not doing them a favour adding onto that pain. That kid will break one day and realize nobody ever cared for them, and instead all people in their life used their grooming to feel justified in hurting them. No kid needs to be that tough. No kid needs to be that strong. Children need to be safe. Children need to be around people who don’t require them to show impassive expression in the face of pain. Children should get to have full hearts of knowing they’re loved, not pain in their chest they have to hide, in fear of being called weak. Give the tough kids a chance to be children, or leave them alone.

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trauma symptoms I’ve experienced while living in abusive environment and suffering from cptsd, tag yourself if you had some of these! and add more if you had different ones.

falling down and paralyzing randomly and being unable to move for 5-30 minutes

developing chronic stomach pain so severe it stopped me from eating for few months (i would only have bits of yoghurt and fruit)

complete desparation to be accepted and needed by a group of people, sacrifising morals for the sake of it, until learning better later

crazy pull towards power imbalances, sadomazochism, pain, self hurting, danger and adrenaline

imprinting on a specific person and making them “favourite person” and then completely depending over what they think of me and how much they interact with me, world breaking down when they leave

migraines

attacks that would cause me to fall down and then shake and write on the floor without control for I don’t know how long really, could last to 20 minutes, I lose track of time every time

intrusive flashbacks and returning memories of trauma that would render me unable to function for days, sometimes weeks, inability to stop re-living the trauma

nightmares that would have me awake in the middle of the night swimming in sweat, repeatedly

insane heat during night that would dry out my throat so much it would hurt for hours

extreme reactions to stress, such as dissociation, paranoia, deep belief that i’m about to die, shaking, feeling utter despair and loss, feeling as if my life depends on finishing the task, feeling like everyone in the world will hate and try to kill me if I fail

severe dissociation that would last for days and made me question if I was alive

severe dissociation paired with dysphoria that would disable me from walking or moving or getting up at all, feeling like my body wasn’t mine and i couldn’t move or control it anymore

chronic pain and exhaustion, inability to move unless using extreme willpower to even move a finger, having to force myself to make every movement purposefully, having to think about every muscle movement, daily tasks became so extremely hard it would drain me just to get a glass of water

extreme sensitivity to everyone’s feelings of anger, pain, sadness, fear, iritability and frustration, feeling other people’s feelings as if they were mine, causing me to become constantly overwhelmed if anyone is around me, and completely desperate to calm them down because I would experience their discomfort and pain worse than they would

forcing myself to excercise when possible in order to at least slightly improve my brain chemistry, getting so desperate about it that I would vomit and then keep running anyway

falling into extreme delusions and inner world, communicating with alters and developing fantasies as the only means of survival, inability to face real world due to overwhelment

temporary amnesia about things that would cause too much stress, I would completely forget a thing existed if I couldn’t cope with it, and I would remember it in last possible moment, or too late

hearing loud screaming inside of my head for certain periods of time

hearing abuser’s voices inside of my mind constantly and trying desperately to argue them down

intrusive thoughts and memories, inducing shame, guilt and fear

extremely unrealiable memory, very quickly forgetting events, people, developments and experiences

strong convictions that i have to keep all of my symptoms hidden from everyone or i would be pronounced a freak and would be locked up, strong panic upon suspecting someone might have noticed me shaking or having a panic attack

desiring nothing but isolation and silence, any movements, noises or changes in light around me triggering fight or flight response and causing me to get scared and alert, inability to listen to music

feeling extremely separated from the rest of human race, and experiencing strong fear from the entire humanity in general, loss of faith in goodness in people

constant paranoia, every footstep means abusers are approaching to hurt or kill me, predicting other people would try to kill me as well, inability to go outside for several days at a time

hyperventilating whenever trying to focus on breathing or meditating, feeling there’s no air and like I’m choking for long periods of time

All of these are almost completely gone or close to it, after 2 years of me moving out, so if you’re experiencing this, it will not last forever, and it is possible for it to disappear. There are some things that remained, for instance, I don’t believe I will ever be okay in places with many people around, or working for 8 hours a day, but those can be avoided and I can live without feeling terrified or exhausted every single moment of my life.

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it’s a lie that some kids are more tough and can withstand abuse while others are “more sensitive”. All children are sensitive. Every single kid is in a tiny body surrounded with giants who can kill them in an instant. Any violence or hatred inflicted on any kid isn’t funny or easy for any of them.

The difference is in how openly they show they’re hurt and scared. Kids who learned adults will care about their well being will be able to cry, scream, escape, act vulnerable and hurt when they’re in pain. Kids who are taught to act tough, they wont show that you hurt them so easily, they’ve already learned that being openly hurt is humiliating, or even punishable, so they will pretend to suck it up. Does that mean kid isn’t equally damaged and hurt like the one who cried on the spot? No. You can’t count of kid’s reactions to reveal what kind of damage you did to them. When kids are hurt REALLY badly they can’t even feel it in the real time and will report you that they’re “just fine”, they’ll dissociate and forget about it and it will be all good until one day they can’t breathe anymore because of it.

You’re risking traumatizing any kid if you inflict hatred and abuse on them, even if they act like they can take it, even if they have no reaction whatsoever. It’s not on the kid to have “correct” reaction to your abuse, they’re doing all they can to survive it and thats good enough. You can’t pretend you don’t know that hatred, neglect, and any kind of abuse is traumatizing for kids.

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womanhood is like. *has a dream about being stalked* *has a complicated relationship with ur mother* *writes poetry in the notes app* *is antagonized purposely by male coworker* *looks in the mirror for a long time* *shares knowing looks with ur female friends* *shares everything w your female friends* *has a dream about your mothers trauma* *shares trauma with every woman alive* *avoids looking in the mirror*

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The desire to be beautiful is giving me brain damage

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japanese breakfast, “boyish” / lana del rey, “gods & monsters” / sevdaliza, “that other girl” / mitski, “real men” / clairo, “pretty girl” / lana del rey, “without you” / mitski, “brand new city”

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Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg / A Pearl by Mitski

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