helianskies

[helianskies]

*can be niece/nephew through sibling or cousin

**parents and siblings

edit: i've gotten a lot of tags saying how these aren't hyperspecific- yes, i am aware now! truthfully i haven't seen a lot of hyperspecific polls so i don't know what counts. if i could i'd rename this "how similar are we" but eh i can't edit polls anymore. just to clarify i am not american, at all. i'm full southeast asian guys... hopefully this sort of clears stuff up so i dont get repeating tags saying how "bilingual isn't hyperspecific" and how "this isn't a hyperspecific poll". i know that, and i made this poll with the intent of knowing how many people share stuff with me, not to make it difficult to relate, really :) sorry for the whole paragraph-

#4+ countries #eye contact #glasses family #bilingual might just be a stretch for me lol but i'm not monolingual either

[helianskies]

awesome ‼️

[helianskies]

“You made quick work of getting into bed, which— No, hang on, let me speak,” he pressed, and Antonio closed his mouth and swallowed his protests. “Normally I wouldn’t complain about getting down to business quickly,” Arthur reiterated, “but generally speaking, when you get a new tattoo, you show it off to people. ‘S kinda the point.”

[ read on ao3! ]

[helianskies]

"Friends dont look at friends that way" COWARD. I look at my friends with awe in my eyes, my chest is filled with love, im glowing because i get to be near my friends. I look at my friends and i would give them my everything. SO SKILL ISSUE, look at your friends with all the love that you have

[helianskies]

[helianskies]

[helianskies]

milf means mutual i'd like to fuck tbh

[helianskies]

*trying to socialize* so do you guys want to hear how i'd kill you

[helianskies]

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't. #since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if... #if only... #what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic. #and i don't know how to stop. #helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it. #also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers. #gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

[helianskies]

this machine is useless

#kirkiecore

[helianskies]

“You made quick work of getting into bed, which— No, hang on, let me speak,” he pressed, and Antonio closed his mouth and swallowed his protests. “Normally I wouldn’t complain about getting down to business quickly,” Arthur reiterated, “but generally speaking, when you get a new tattoo, you show it off to people. ‘S kinda the point.”

[ read on ao3! ]

#helia writes #hetalia #hws spain #hws england #engspa #just a lil' something something i wrote totally not because i was procrastinating :) #enjoy! #actually this was kinda chill for over my weekend #veered off course slightly but heh

[helianskies]

sorry i can't come in to work today. yeah sorry they killed me off last night. yeah i just wasn't relevant to the plot anymore. i should be in tomorrow but i'll let you know.

[helianskies]

Fuck you, pay me.

[helianskies]

i hate when i send someone a meme in another language and they're like "uhm... translate? 😒" fucker i sent you a meme where 90% of the words have an english cognate and/or you don't need to know what they're saying to find it funny. can you at least TRY

#language memes are my fave #sometimes i send memes to my lang friends in langs they speak and i dont bc i can guess what it's saying/ #the tone is so clear that i dont need to know the words it's just funny

[helianskies]

When I finally write the scene but it's an absolute garbage fire

#me rn with a fic ive been working on wanting to BITE my HAND for this crap

[helianskies]

Parma, Italy

#how dare this appear on my dash while im in the middle of applying for a traineeship IN PARMA #THE UNIVERSE IS TEASING ME #I'M GOING TO CRY #helia's ma adventure #. . . #dove andare

[helianskies]

Sorry, sorry, but manipulative hurt/comfort is fucking cocaine to me. The predatory aspect of it. The vulnerability—500% better if the hurt party knows they're being manipulated and is past the point of caring. The juxtaposition of sweet and sharp flavours. Barkbarkbark