Im upset because the reason we left that place was because of you. he didnt want you there. when i said you were staying he said he wants you gone. i hated it you hated it why would we stay. but you can try and throw that at me? if i leave now it feels like i'd be abandoning you and leaving you to deal with our legal mess. but was it ever really my mess to begin with? and why do i feel it necessary to deal with it? you hit me. and i feel bad? you cheated on me. why am i still here?
I think a lot. but when i try to untangle the web that is my mind it ends up blank. words used to flow so freely from me now I have no interests and feel so lazy.
A rock and a hard place. Cheating allegations and twisted stories. Such a low start to the New Year. What do I want out of life? What is most important to me?
Maybe it's because I don't have a space anymore. Nowhere to make our own. We have a room but it isn't 'ours' we're just occupying it. I guess it wouldn't hurt to decorate it. I don't see how it would. But we're always so broke. but thats from the drinking. so i guess the real reason just unearthed itself.
How do you deal with a place that supposed to be home not feeling like it's yours? I love where I am. This is a place i longed for as a kid. But now that I'm here... feels like i don't fit. Like the last piece of a puzzle that's cut wrong. I want to experience my time here fully and happily. It feels so fleeting. Why can't i grab it and go? What can i do to feel more in touch with here i am. Back home i knew the roads like the back of my hand, i knew every twist and turn, where the bad pot holes are and which roads to avoid when weather was bad. Here i know how to get to work and back and to our favorite grocery store. I know of a trail I've only been on twice because it doesn't feel like mine. I'm not saying mine in a sense of ownership, more like if you were at a buffet or family dinner and everything on the table is everyones but you take your plate and that's your home. I don't feel like i even have a plate at the table here.
Do you think it's true you can't have true love and happiness if you don't love yourself? Sometimes I think........fuck you know what sometimes i think im not the fucking issue damnit. pretty fucking tired of not being allowed to react to his negativity and also not being allowed to express any of mine without horrid backlash. im jst fucking tired bro. of everything.
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