jenthebug

[jenthebug]

Just told Jay about how I’m abstaining from alcohol and weed “until I’ve finished recovering from my second surgery. So probably the fall. Fuuuuuck.”

(Yes, I drop f bombs in front of my teenager.)

And then I was proud of myself because I can abstain. I don’t like it, I’d much rather eat a big fatty edible and get so high that I forget I have a body; or have a couple vodka crans while I’m playing Mario Kart; but I don’t have to like it.

I can abstain without sneaking alcohol or weed, without just disregarding the surgeon’s advice, and with a little grumbling but no losing my temper or making everyone walk on eggshells around me.

My mother could not say the same. So hooray for healing and breaking cycles and being a good example.

Tolerance breaks get easier as time goes on, and this one will too.

#insertcaffeine vs weed #insertcaffeine vs alcohol

[jenthebug]

#the nightly shitpost

[jenthebug]

I am once again posting my wishlist, this time refreshed with post-surgical items! I don't expect or obligate anyone to buy me anything from this list, but if you've been wondering how to help, this is how.

This is mostly for my irl/facebook friends, honestly. They're all "How can I help?" and I'm like "a big wad of cash would be nice," so instead, I went shopping for things that I'll need and wishlisted them.

Dr. Plastics told me to buy A FEW SPORTS BRAS. lol with what money sir? So that's on the list.

I also put a few books and video games on the list, because I'm gonna be bored, and bored me gets depressed easily. Distract the demons away!

I also put a shitload of doordash gift cards on there because we're probably gonna utilize a shitload of doordash. Sorry not sorry.

I'm doing this, making my wishlist, to distract me from how much I want alcohol and weed, btw. Yes, it's only been two days. But knowing that I can't have either of them makes me want them more. And today is the perfect day to get stoned, Nuggets vs Lakers game 4 is on and it's snowy and I don't have shit to do this afternoon.

Too bad I can't wishlist a bottle of vodka and a pack of edibles.

#metastatic breast cancer #wishlist #insertcaffeine vs weed #insertcaffeine vs alcohol #insertcaffeine breast surgery

[jenthebug]

Oh, hi Soba.

#soba tinycat

[jenthebug]

my mouse keeps shocking me. why are you doing that

#the nightly shitpost

[jenthebug]

Went on a stupid walk for my stupid mental health. Feeling better!

#mundane #my photos #me irl

[jenthebug]

#the nightly shitpost

[jenthebug]

Oncology appointment today. Guess I’m going back on blockers.

Not unexpected, just slightly obnoxious. But the blockers have been doing a kick ass job of suppressing the cancer, so there’s that.

#metastatic breast cancer

[jenthebug]

best thing tumblr ever did for me is the term "rotating it in my mind". it's really true that sometimes you think about something real hard but you can't tell what the thoughts are exactly. it's revolutionary stuff, i might even say

#the nightly shitpost

[jenthebug]

I understood what the surgeon said well enough to write it down.

Now I can process it.

tw surgery, tw gore

Holy shit, I’m glad they took my blood pressure before I talked to the surgeon!

I was like, “focus, intellectually understand everything.” And I did, and I kept a straight face.

But. Everything he said. From nipple preservation to tissue expanders to implants to the DIEP flap, it all gave me the visceral ick that happens when one thinks too hard about something painful. This shit that we’re drawing diagrams about is going to happen, on my body!

Also, I’m gonna be helpless when I’m recovering from both surgeries. That fact is not lost on me. Husband is a good helper. Dr Twin Bro will be available to help after the first surgery. We’ll know what works for the second surgery.

On top of that, I am just flying on edibles tonight. I’m indulging because the surgeon says no weed 6 weeks before or after surgery.

Everything is making me cry. Especially my playlist. (It’s mostly kpop but sometimes some synthwave shows up, and every once in a while there’s some emo) Any other genres would be too nostalgic. Like these aren’t? lol can’t win with the tunes

Current mood: reeling

Current music: MAMAMOO - Starry Night

#tw surgery #tw gore #gory descriptions of surgery #please do not feel obligated to read this

[jenthebug]

Update: I’ll be having two surgeries, a double mastectomy and tissue expanders, then a bilateral DIEP flap (reconstruction using fat from my belly) a couple months later when my tissue has sufficiently expanded. It’s gonna expand a lot. I’m going big.

I’m about to be sober af this summer…no weed 6 weeks before or after each surgery. So I’m getting absolutely snoop dogged tonight. 200mg. Because my surgery could be as soon as 6 weeks from now (come on let’s get this over with!). I’ll get an exact date when the surgery scheduler calls.

Dr. Plastics wants me to start losing weight in a healthy way, too; cut out sweets, fast foods, and alcohol, and cut back on simple carbs. So that’ll be something to work on this spring.

This. Is. Gonna. Suck.

These are huge surgeries.

And two of my favorite coping mechanisms are now off limits. Three, counting sweets.

#insertcaffeine breast surgery #insertcaffeine vs weed #insertcaffeine vs alcohol #cancer fitblr #tw weight loss #metastatic breast cancer

[jenthebug]

you bottle Miette??

#the nightly shitpost

[jenthebug]

Got an appointment with the plastic surgeon on Wednesday!

We’ll talk about timing, and the procedure itself. On top of that, we’ll decide how big to make my reconstructed breasts.

I’ve joked about it for a long time, but my small breasts have been an insecurity of mine since they (finally) developed at age 14. I wanna go BIG. Like, big enough to fill out a shirt. Big enough to look proportional.

And yet, for some reason, I’m afraid to say that. I’m tempted to say “keep them the same” or “whatever you think is best” to avoid voicing a genuine complaint that I have about my body. And I don’t know why.

I’m looking at before and after photos now, just to remind me that people do ask for their breast sizes and shapes to be changed; it’s not unreasonable.

I’m going down the mastectomy research rabbit hole. It’s a LOT.

#insertcaffeine breast surgery

[jenthebug]

So the in-laws called yesterday.

“We got tickets to the comedy club, be there at 11 tomorrow morning.”

Oh…Kay…

Wasn’t super stoked about having plans, but this is How Things Are Done with the in-laws. And we usually have fun with them, so I agreed to go instead of playing the cancer card and saying I was too tired.

FIL didn’t tell us who was playing; I’m not sure he knew. He just saw $10 tickets and went for it.

IT WAS A DRAG BRUNCH

It was clever and funny and the queens were so talented…but godDAMN it was raunchy! I felt a little self-conscious laughing at jokes about tucking and cocaine and prostitution when my sweet, churchgoing in-laws were right there.

Not self-conscious enough to stop, mind you…

Husband and I had a fucking blast and want to go back. FIL wants to go back too. MIL will go back if she’s feeling well enough.

That’s another thing!! Husband’s mom was there! Walking! Stayed for the whole show!! 🥰 It was so good to see her up and out!

Anyway, that was a fanfuckingtastic start to the morning. 😂❤️

#my husband is awesome #my in laws are awesome

[jenthebug]

Reblog with your favorite Animal Crossing villager in the tags, I want to know what people think. Mine is Daisy

#COACH #love me a wholesome himbo

[jenthebug]

Reasons I should get weed on 4/20:

- Headache

- It’s 4/20

- I have money

- I really like weed

Reasons I should NOT get weed on 4/20

- Headache

- It’s 4/20 (crowded)

- Fatigue

- Would probably overspend

- Have gotten stoned every day this week

- Just don’t wanna

This is one of the few times that I’ve cursed Colorado’s law that only the MMJ patient can go pick up their weed.

I’m leaning towards no, the “just don’t wanna” and the fatigue are strong.

This headache tho

#insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

Had my surgical consult.

No concrete answers yet! Probably getting a double mastectomy with reconstruction. Waiting on an appointment to meet with plastic surgery to finalize that and set a date.

No more imaging. Can’t do breast imaging if you don’t have real breasts.

No more cancer. Dr. Surgeon was careful to say that this may not extend my lifespan, but she also said that if my cancer grew, they’d immediately yeet me into surgery to get rid of it.

She gave me the choice between a lumpectomy, mastectomy, and double mastectomy. My choice is the double.

Unless plastics says it’s a really bad idea, I’ll be getting boobs big enough to fill out women’s large/XL shirts! No more dad bod for me!

But…ugh. This is gonna be a Big Surgery, followed by another one for the reconstruction. I don’t like surgery. And I’d like to know exactly when these will be happening so I can plan my summer.

#insertcaffeine breast surgery #focus on the positive: RACK ATTACK #metastatic breast cancer