johnnyecstasy

[johnnyecstasy]

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know. If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone.

[johnnyecstasy]

You made me the happiest I’ve ever been. A happiness so pure and simple that would stem from simply being right next to you; only just needing your company. You saved my life, as I grew up into an adult with you in this reality. I think back to every time I promised that it would always be you, I think back to when I would tell you how I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you “we made it"—I think about that and about you every single day. Your smile lit up my world, and I could hear your laugh on repeat for hours. Your voice was my favorite melody in this world. A world that has since been dull, dead, and grey. I still wish for you every day. An empty plead that falls on deaf ears only continuously wishing it could one day change. I shut my door to my heart, and to my life since our time apart, not letting anyone in. No one can take your place, no one can ever replace you, no one can ever match up to you, no one can ever capture my interest as you did. I saw you as perfection, I still see you as such; I’ve never stopped loving you.

[johnnyecstasy]

Whenever you called out to me, I was there. Whenever you needed anything, I was there. Without a doubt you can count on me—I won’t stop loving you, I won’t stop looking out for you. I haven’t. You are my everything. You are my one. It’s only ever going to be you. It’s always been you. It’s still you Lauren. I love you so much, and I miss you so much. Always, in all ways.

[johnnyecstasy]

To The Woman That Has My Heart

You were everything to me—an embodiment of everything I had ever dreamed of come to reality. Through your touch, your lips, your warmth, and your eyes you brought my wildest dreams and fantasies to life. Dreams and hopes I would never think would become my reality until meeting you. I remember when first laying my eyes on you, you were the most beautiful being I had ever seen. I couldn’t believe such perfection would even pay me any mind, and I’ve said those exact words to you before because the feeling is still the same. I can only explain this with a likeness to tunnel vision, as everything around me disappeared when you came into my life. From the moment I met you all I wanted to do was be around you, share my time with you, and share my life with you. Everything around me was merely an obstacle to get to you, and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything get between you and I. Not time, not distance, not even where I was living. You let me into your home, I changed my life and everything I knew simply and only just to be with you. Nothing mattered except you and I. Nothing else mattered except our love.

We used to tell each other all the time that it’s like we met and we both just knew, like “Yup, we’re doing this? Alright it’s going to be you.” We were so confident, we both looked at each other with such pride and I used to tell you daily how lucky I felt. The level of comfort was unlike anything I had ever experienced and you understood me. We understood each other from every single quirky interest we had, to the deepest and darkest secrets we held. Both told to each other without judgement, and with understanding. The only resentment and jealousy I ever felt was anyone having you before I did. You never gave me a reason to ever doubt you.

I was seriously in constant disbelief, I would pray that my life with you was not just a dream. I would hope that it was something I would never wake up from. You were my forever after, you were my one.

However we stumbled hard along the way, each with our own mistakes and each with different things that could have been done better. I’m not trying to play a blame game and start pointing fingers on who could have done more to fix what; in the end we both wanted the same thing from each other. We wouldn’t have tried in so many ways if that wasn’t the case. Unfortunately all these efforts came a little too late, mainly if not entirely on my behalf.

I think about you still, every single day. Everything reminds me of you. I dream about you every single night. I was never ready to give you up. I never stopped loving you. I know you had to. I tried coming back to you, once, twice, three times, and honestly I would try a fourth, a fifth a sixth and as many times as it takes because when two people care for each other and something doesn’t work you don’t just give up and walk away. You work together to get past it, and move forward from it. You work together to fix what is wrong because when two people love each other, you do not just throw it away. The strongest marriages come from two people that know they can go through hell and back and still be there for each other. I believe one of those just got a house together.

You were everything to me back then, and you still are everything to me Lauren. I wish you could give me an opportunity to be in your life and not just as a “friend”. Sometimes what is valued most is simply someone’s presence and their time. I wish we could have a chance to finally close that cut that never heals but with love, peace, and happiness. Why must we both continue in this pain? Why must we both live in a world where we constantly get reminded of what was and what will never be if we don’t even give it a chance in a proper way? Why must that fear and uncertainty outweigh the lifetime of happiness we could bring into each other’s lives? Much like that happiness we experienced when I randomly told you that night that I was “getting clothes” that I was staying over, but it would be indefinitely. Much like that time we did laundry with one wheel. Much like that time we almost got a third dog. Much like that time we went to the flea market with your best friend. Much like that time we took our first picture in front of the bathroom mirror of 1463. Much like that time where you met with my mother and grandmother as not my girlfriend but my fiancé. We do have happy and beautiful memories, we just choose to remember the bad and live on it. Believe me I understand where your hesitant nature comes from too, and I’m in no position to say I don’t feel the same or to say that I don’t blame you for it; again, each for different reasons. However if all that is focused on is the negative then that’s all that will ever be, and that’s all that will come to life.

This is an open letter to you Lauren, and this is me telling you I still love you, I still think about you, I still care for you, I still dream for you, I still hope for you, I still wish for you. I’m not angry, I don’t hold any grudges, I don’t hold any resentment. Whatever happened, happened. I don’t want to live in the past anymore of what could have been. It will never be what we wanted it to be. I want to make it a better future, I want to have a life happier than we could have ever had, because we know that through anything and everything we’ll be there for each other. No matter the time passed, or the distance between us, here I am thinking about you. Here I am writing about/to you, here I am hoping you’ll see this. Here I am hoping you’ll give us a chance to be us again, the us we fell in love with.

[johnnyecstasy]

Still.

From the moment I first met you, I knew something was different about you. I remember the very second you approached me; I felt as if I was seeing my best friend for the first time in years. The warm hug we shared felt long overdue, although it was never precedented until then. Two blocks into walking through the icy breeze of NYC, the effortless affection shown towards each other, the silent moments we shared — looking into those ocean eyes for the first time — I knew, in my heart, that this would be the start of something. Something that would change my life forever. I never wanted that night to end. But soon enough, you came right back around and riled my heart up again. Since that day, the day we met for the first time, I couldn’t get enough of you. I wanted more and more, and each time I saw you again, I fell harder and harder for you. As time passed and feelings grew, I knew that my once loathed emotion was blossoming into one of that I couldn’t see myself without when it came to you — when it came to us. All of the things we’ve shared with each other only drew us even closer, without judgement or change of heart. I’m proud to not only call you my man, but my best friend as well. You are much more than words can ever relate to; you are my perfect balance. We are one; from finishing each other’s sentences to reading each other’s minds to simply speaking to each other through eye contact says it all. I want you. All of you. Always, in all ways. I love you. (johnnyecstasy)

[johnnyecstasy]

One of the greatest mysteries I have every faced is also, at the exact same time, the answer to everything I've been looking for.

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]

Charles Baudelaire The Death of Lovers

We shall have beds full of subtle perfumes, Divans as deep as graves, and on the shelves Will be strange flowers that blossomed for us Under more beautiful heavens.

Using their dying flames emulously, Our two hearts will be two immense torches Which will reflect their double light In our two souls, those twin mirrors.

Some evening made of rose and of mystical blue A single flash will pass between us Like a long sob, charged with farewells;

And later an Angel, setting the doors ajar, Faithful and joyous, will come to revive The tarnished mirrors, the extinguished flames.

Image (Alchemy Gothic Chemical Wedding)

[johnnyecstasy]

We can't haunt this home. Home anymore.

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]

Manniking at Midnight

I'm either screaming along to Slipknot, praying to Satan with Marilyn Manson, or bobbing my head happily to Good Charlotte and Green Day. That's pretty much me in a nutshell.

[johnnyecstasy]

[johnnyecstasy]