juniperandfern

[juniperandfern]

1pm

I sit and wait for a call in an hour. Boxes sit around the house. I will move, again. But this move is different. Maybe it will be the last one. My mind cannot decide. Is there a lot here to carry, or is it not so much? I’ve seen inside more houses than most now. Deeply inside, I mean. How many have sifted through the most intimate belongings of another? Of many others? That they know barely at all. It eases my heart to feel these thoughts. That I may live in trust, that I may serve. It makes my mind swim too with thoughts of my education, my skin, my unassuming air. It is not me that they trust, it is the trust that looks like me.

The pleasure with which I imagine the peels of light through the windows and in the yard, under the trees, amidst the wildflowers, is all consuming. I exist in its whorls through these hot washes of days. My mind carries me through the peaceful evenings, books to be read, days filled with music and soft nature and sweet fruits from the farm.

[juniperandfern]

Project Apollo 17, From Moon, 1972

[juniperandfern]

3:02pm

G said it snows outside and I am in the gym, familiar and devoid of natural light. warm like the womb. surrounded by students, too plump or brittle boned. and I think of gyms past, mindsets premiere past, wan to drifting in and out, in spaces familiar they rise to the surface. just as his misunderstanding of his worth and value if women is not a fault his own, nor is the egotism, vague and in misery, of the disordered mindset. longing for a form which is taught yet not learned ever.

[juniperandfern]

5:02pm

driving up the flat lands from the florida panhandle thinking of last year at this time, taking the same long sad quiet roads at the day's close. the moon is gleaming and the sky's gradient is cool blue to the west, warm golden pink to the east. I think of one year and seven months spent with the person beside me, and how people reasonably resolve to spend their entire lives at one person's side. and yet- and yet- at whose side would I rather rest. from another what more would I gain

[juniperandfern]

1:51pm

This heaviness hurts.

And when the hurt comes it is endless

Oceans before me carved into all beings and things

Undulating lakes pools beneath trees waters deep

And the dryness between, the dryness in me

[juniperandfern]

1:18pm

why, why do I fear judgment

when the soft flame of connection is so rare to ignite; the wind must be just still enough, just right

like moon hangs in sky or birds drift to flight

like children learn words or shapes rise from shadows passed blind every day

I yearn to learn the the hearts of truth, that lie submerged when I awake

[juniperandfern]

11:35am

Today is heavy

My thick coat feels good around my body

And I sense a rare feeling that I miss my grandpa

Stolid, thick, rye humor and deep seriousness, patience, kindness, judgment

Kids playing outside the high office window,

The warm flow of sweeping change,

The knowledge that while I may be here tomorrow, the day after I may not

[juniperandfern]

8:25pm

I am drunk, float from two interviews, know I cannot be said no to in this glow.

Madly I claw to capitalize on this manic glee and invincibility.

For it is within me,

But all that is within...

[juniperandfern]

3:46pm

On my way to an interview. Strange to think how these things fall to you, an ad, a friend, a shop window, and then become the crux about which your life revolves.

Someone with more power, for the tiniest sum, buys hours of your life, hours pulsing with infinite potential, wither under foot

Even with power of compartmentalization, this will be the place your hours slip away, day in, day out.

[juniperandfern]

7:08pm

waiting for the train after a dark day

always we forget the pain the cold weather brings with it, winter's melting tears wash warm rich hues on memory

unspoken, walking the streets, we each notice the first day of spirits waking

watch each other wraped in scarves and hats, to ward their whisper on our neck

I leave the house in a silk shirt, jade green, and jeans, jacket home, scarf in drawer

I will face these traces of surfacing past, which I well know now the clothing will hide nothing of

[juniperandfern]

10:42pm

Frightened by my sorrow and rushes of anger. Hateful resentment, delusional resentment. Maybe I have borderline, it dawns on me. Vengeful hatred for the one person on earth who knows me fully and cares for me unconditionally. Waves of obsession to prove he does not care for me at all. With this writing I can see my wild delusions. I can see him trying to be gentle, because he sees this, and my disregard for even this most true fact.

[juniperandfern]

8:32pm

Drunk and deeply discouraged and I feel, for the first time in many years exactly how I remember myself. An ill son by bambara. I feel deeply myself. Profoundly satisfied with my failures and well within my chest gleefully and silently sure of victories inevitable. A despicable way to be no doubt, but perhaps my most honest self. I frighten myself and know even my True image could not deter me

[juniperandfern]

3:29pm

I suddenly, after a day of silence, digest my anger and begin to see into its source. Saturday night, I am swept into my wildest of moods and feel so deeply him holding me down, that I am not ready and should not have to compromise tearing into the world, feeling into all its corners. We sit in what I find to be a most disparing of silences and to break it I begin to talk softly and disheartenedly of my ambitions. As I was with -. Just as I was with him. The next night he claims to be tired, exhausted, I am torn over whether to go. Hours later he is having a wonderful time, he reports. An uninspired message at 12:30. He does not wish I was there. Deep in my stomach I hate him. So deeply I resent him for this it startles me. I am swept by him, but there is an element of cold inevitability which I cannot ignore. We are of age. It is undeniably ripe, a golden match. But I feel achingly I am not ready yet to relinquish other pieces of myself, dreaming or Alex visiting me, dreaming of being on my own completely without a stopwatch until company returns hanging grimly above my head; my time alone now self-consciously 'sacred'. Intentional. No part of love should feed on the fear of a future life of regret for relinquishing it. Though, when I look back to carefully consider, I think, perhaps, this is an element which is an unspoken truth, deeply embedded in the heart of love, never to be avoided.

[juniperandfern]

Have a Nice Life and my office, dark, rain. I wish to be quiet and among my things but I must return to the cats I am watching. Sterile apartment, cat hair, white leather couch meant for upright sitting, if sitting at all. Feeling lost today, deep dark swings of thought amidst the hours at this desk. Hopelessness, confusion, aims amiss. This dark wistful music grounds me, finally, as the working hours close. The hours which I cannot dictate for myself, yet in which I persist desperately to seek beauty.

#The flenser #have a nice life #death #rain #Wednesday

[juniperandfern]

2:40pm

quietly proud of myself. opening windows and doors, to my soul. eating more gently, feeding myself. reading a bit. moving forward softly; a new place to rehearse, perhaps, on the horizon, lending my time, for another, for a future of my own

[juniperandfern]

8:34am

woke at 5:32 this morning, but I got some things done. showered. slowly dressed. I was clean but am now sticky waiting for the train

[juniperandfern]

6:07pm

With soft determination, tears, I decided to take small steps toward caring for myself. Slowly walked from store to store, collected, light pouring through the kitchen, created. Created something to share, to feed my friend and myself with. My friend with whom I deprived myself beside. Today we will drink wine in the grass; today we will eat bread and smile.