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landoftheoutsiders

|| The Outsiders ||

Exhausted of trying to get better when its simply not in the cards for me.

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landoftheoutsiders · 5 years

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Get you friends who will help you pay for therapy when you can't afford it but need to go. #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #therealones #shitrealfriendsdo

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landoftheoutsiders · 5 years

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Last night I was in a weird headspace. I've had suicidal ideations for about 9 years now, so it's more of a passing thought than anything else--I'm safe; however, I really wanted to know what it would be like to start over. You know? To just go back two years to when I first moved away from my hometown, or before my eating disorder got really bad to try to change some of my behaviours so maybe I wouldn't have gotten as bad as I did. I don't want to die because I think I'm worthless and don't deserve to be here, I want to try again. Similar to how there are checkpoints in video games? I'm so unmotivated it actually hurts. I feel like I'm never going to graduate from college. I want my career to talk about mental health, but I don't even know where to begin. Shit just fucking sucks and I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I'm afraid that I'm going to blink and be in my 60s. Granted thats about 40 years from now, but still.. life is short. I just want to make something out of myself, but I can't seem to get unstuck. Its a glitch. I am just currently living in a glitch.

Can I respawn at a checkpoint, please? 12/11/2018

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landoftheoutsiders · 5 years

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Since Tuesday, I feel like I don't know where I'm at with my eating disorder. I thought I was doing better. I wasn't doing multiday fasts anymore, I was eating one (in hindsight, shitty) meal a day plus snack, and I was feeling good. Of course there were moments when it wasn't that great, but isn't that something everyone deals with? My therapist weighed me and I was already flustered because I was completely blindsided by one therapist sharing the conversation we were having with my therapist before we went upstairs. Completely forgot about the weigh in, but of course my therapist didn't, and come to find out I lost three pounds without even trying. Now, imagine my complete surprise when he tells me that I dropped weight. I thought I had been maintaining. The only thing that I think changed was I walked like 6 miles throughout the week. I was thinking about riding my bike to therapy which would have been 14 miles round trip, but thank god I didn't because I don't even think I would have a week to get my shit together at that point. I think I'd probably be done. There are a few things that are circling in my brain right now that was said, and I'll just put those here: - "I'm not sure if you went to another therapist right now that they would take you as is" - "If you're feeling it and you want to bring your scale in next Tuesday, you're more than welcome to. You can bring those razor blades in too....... unless you're just saving those for a rainy day." - "I don't think I'm comfortable working with you at this level right now." - "You don't seem surprised that you lost weight. You are? Explain." - "Bare minimum, you have to gain one pound by next week." - "You saying that you didn't mean to lose weight isn't helping... its actually making me more concerned." - "I don't think you can do this (gain weight) without a program." Like... What the fuck. I passed out from anxiety and sheer frustration last night and then woke up at midnight, fucked my ex, and once he passed out, I snuck out and went for a walk around 3am and hung out by a bridge for about an hour. There was also a median that was about 8-10ft wide that I laid on because I could see the stars (which is rare where I live because light pollution is a bitch). I also experienced one of the most terrifying feelings which was thinking I was about to get ran over. This was also after maybe 30 minutes of watching traffic underneath the bridge I was on and letting the sound drown everything out, but simultaneously wondering what it would feel like to have a car hit me. So thinking I was about to get run over was an extremely surreal feeling. All I could do was brace for an impact that I knew wasn't going to happen. Needless to say I stood up after that. I just can't sleep and I can't really exercise right now because I'm trying to gain that pound or maybe two so I can continue with therapy before my therapist leaves at the end of July. I feel lost in my disorder, I feel like I'm suffocating in my thoughts and with my anxiety, and I'm terrified that me trying isn't going to be enough. He's talking to his supervisor sometime this week to see what the next steps are, but I know bare minimum, I have to gain weight. I just don't want to have to go back to groups because I think I'd actually rather gouge my eyes out instead. I don't know what I should do at this point. I feel like maybe I should write it all out and highlight the important parts? Maybe I'm not being vulnerable enough? I know I shouldn't self harm, but fuck do I really want to. I've fallen asleep to so many thoughts of me essentially just having a mental breakdown, blacking out, and coming to with cuts all over my arm. Suicidal ideations are also really strong, but I think thats because I'm here, yet again, with therapist #4... telling me that I need a higher level of care because they don't feel comfortable working with me. What the F U C K am I not doing thats making me fall this hard back into my disorder? I can't make any of this stop in my head and I don't know what to do. I feel like cutting may make it stop, but I doubt it would make them go away permanently. Plus that would create a new problem... aka me having to talk about self harm on top of talking about whether or not I need to go back to groups. That would probably seal the deal. Essentially the feeling of depression is spilling over, and I can't shove that feeling down anymore, so its coming out through anxiety and anger. Its exhausting, yet my brain is so stimulated that it can't stop long enough for me to fall asleep. I feel like I'm talking in circles at this point. I'm safe, I'm just really kind of not okay with this situation. Everything is on fire, and for once its not okay.

Rambling Thoughts that Won’t Leave 6/01/2018

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landoftheoutsiders · 6 years

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