laulas

[laulas]

Bittersweet

My son starts college tomorrow. I’m sad but I’m not stressing it. I remember all the birthday parties, and the anxiety I created for myself trying to host the most perfect party. Keep up w the Jones’. I had to have just the right decorations, cake, location, party favors. I would take all of that time back about now and have just sat down on the floor and played with my kiddo. Maybe. I enjoyed the parties and always felt proud but why did I have to stress?! Back to college. Of course I want him to be comfortable, and have everything he needs. But I was not going to let myself stress it the way I did over those 4 year old birthday party Mickey decorations. (did I have to give myself agita over it?! I did not, and thankfully with 18 years of parenting under my belt, I’m confronting my feelings about it, sans the stress of comparing myself to others, or posting every second on social media… and I’m grateful for a lot. my ex got lots of the big stuff and did way more leg work and preparation (that’s my payback for the birthday party years he didn’t have to plan, lol). Every parent going through a stage of life, experiences milestones in their own way, knowing billions have come before, yet feeling it for the first time. So no matter how I handle it, or how you handle it, embrace it for the personal experience it is…or post it, or cry, or be anxious, but do you and know you aren’t alone. *talking to myself

[laulas]

What a Wedding

Few relationships have impacted my life as much as the one with the girl I babysat. It started at the end of the summer after I graduated high school. I worked at a day camp, and it was nearing the end when I saw a flyer in the front office that said, “great dad, great daughter with great tickets to everything .” As someone who had been babysitting since I was 11 years old, and loved all things concerts, I knew it was the job for me. Even before I went to meet with them, I was elated at the prospect. At our first meeting, the dad told me he ran radio stations around the country, worked 5 days a week, and sometimes traveled for work. He would pay me $10 an hour..in 1994, at 19 years old, I could think of nothing better. I was attending community college and scheduled my classes so I’d be available to pick up my new charge at 2 when school let out. I’d stay with her until 7 or so when dad came home. And so began 8 of the most impactful years of my life. Her Mom and dad had just divorced and mom wasn’t really in the picture. Soon after I started babysitting, she moved to Oklahoma to be near her mom. Carly was an adorable 7 year old with huge brown eyes, missing teeth and the cutest round cheeks. Looking back on our time together I know our relationship served me well. At 19, having to pick up Carly kept me grounded, and young at heart. I drove her to activities, made her do her homework, made plans with her friends for her, made dinner, and all the other things…. I always had a heavy heart that Carly’s mom couldn’t be the one doing those things, but I was happy to step in, and couldn’t ask for a better kid. When they moved to a house with a pool, trampoline, and a basketball net, life with Carly only got better. God I loved jumping on that trampoline with her. Carly started gymnastics and I loved watching her flip around on there. There were 3 sisters who lived next door as built in play mates, and I got to know their family too. All these years later, the dad says I saved him, became my role enabled him to do his job. But they saved and enriched my life in ways unimaginable. I had a breakdown at some point towards the end which I woefully regret(even though I had no control over it)When Carly was 15, her dad was blessed to retire from his corporate job. I was in my teaching career by that time, and Carly really didn’t need a babysitter of course…so it came to an end. Carly was a junior bridesmaid in my wedding and our relationship has continued in some capacity for almost 30 years. I know this bond happens w caregivers, and I’m beyond blessed I got to be a part of it. As for the great tickets, I attended countless pro football games, game 7 of the marlins World Series, the Panthers first playoff game, *NSYNC, and so many more I can’t recall. The best ticket I ever received, however, was this past weekend, to Carly’s wedding. If you wrote a prescription for the type of person I would have hoped for Carly to become, there she is. Im in awe of her humble, elegance, warm and caring personality, and just overall radiance. I cried like a baby when Carly and Bob walked down the aisle(getting choked up just thinking about it now). Forget the father/daughter dance. Carlys best childhood friend and I could not keep it together but we had each other. The night went off without a hitch. I’ve been to plenty of weddings, and maybe I’m a smidge biased but this wedding was put together with care, and it was beyond fun. The food, the decor, the venue, the details. Everyone there was dancing until they kicked us out. And the groom, oh my goodness. If you could order a person who is a good match, Nick would be that person. I get choked up when I read this….my only wish is for Carly to be as happy as she deserves!!

[laulas]

“Measure” by Nikki Erlick

I just finished reading this book. In this book, the entire world receives boxes that say, this is the measure of your life, and inside it was a string that will determine how long peoples lives would last. At first, people knew within a few years, shortly after, scientists determined how long peoples lives would be with in a month. The book goes on to discuss the impact of the strings on various peoples lives. The story has many layers, and made me realize that we all have a string, though we don’t know the length. In the book, there are friends who meet in a support group for short stringers, and a politician who uses people string lengths for political gain. It is a well-woven story of an alternate reality, not so far from our own. It’s stories of loss, triumph, and evolution of thought and action. It really hit home for me that we all, perhaps have a pre-determined, albeit unknown amount of time but it is up to us what we do with it. It really gave me pause for thought and I recommend it if you enjoy realistic fiction. And the message I took away was that in the end, only love matters. Whether long or short, the measure of one’s life isn’t necessarily determined by the years we live but the life in our years. Today, and every day I want to make the most of my time here.

[laulas]

Mixed emotions

Today is prom for hs seniors. My senior will not attend. His H.S experience began in normal ways, then March 13,2020 shut down the world as we knew it. So began virtual school. He was attending a magnet program that year, and switched to our home school virtually the following year.(the hs I graduated from)I moved in December of my junior year and let’s just say, I was lucky to graduate, yet I managed to make a group of friends and a series of questionable decisions. My then boyfriend would need to complete one more year of hs and I ended up going with a friend who happened to get us pot at regular intervals. I barely remember the night. The after party was more fun, albeit also strewn with bad decisions. So, I didn’t have a traditional experience like I’ve seen in rom coms and described in the books I pored through, but I was there. This leads me to my son.. B is someone special(though he won’t like me saying that) partially because of his intellect that has typically surpassed or at least mystified his peers. He was more inclined to befriend the teachers, counselors and coaches. He has had a few close types of friendships through the years, however, I’ve received more calls about his misbehavior, and sadly, came to expect the worst when the school called…often wrought with remorseful apologies later when we talked about it. B is a sweet thoughtful soul, in my opinion but to ask his peers, there would be mixed reviews. At this stage of life, kids haven’t been that accepting. Not to say, he’s a victim, but it’s a known fact that kids can be cruel. His defenses are certainly up for this reason, and this shows up in un fun ways like being verbally offensive ….anyhow I’m not in his head but if I were, I’d give his big brain a hug and bandage All the pain of the past. I’m positive he will find and be happy to his own capacity doing what he loves and surely hope he stays true to himself inspite of outside influence. He has had positive life experiences as well..we visited the elementary school he attended and that was amazing. The warm feeling and yeara of memories melted away any fears that he had not had a solid foundation. Palm lake elementary gave him and me the foundation of a nurturing, supportive environment and I wouldn’t trade that or my son for anything in the world. To be continued

[laulas]

Life is short

I’m filled with so many emotions as I write this. I saw of an old friends sudden passing this morning…we met when I was in the throes of a litera mental breakdown and 21 years old. I’d gone through a manic episode(think Britney Spears, but 10 years before Britney Spears), had been hospitalized, gained a shit ton of weight and my short hair was growing back in. To say I didn’t feel like myself is the understatement of the century. My parents had gotten divorced after 27 years of marriage a couple years earlier, I’d moved, etc, etc..enter Natalia. A Latvian born lady just a couple years older but so much wiser by far. A man she’d met in the beginning of the internet had fallen for her, wooed her with gifts, even went to Latvia and gave her family computers (an expensive feat in the early days of computers) and Natalia came here with big dreams. To be. With this man, and live happily ever after. But that would not be, as he had a family…maybe she knew but I doubt it. And now she found herself in America, wanting to make her dreams come true. So she found her way, did what she had to do. And that is when I was fortunate enough that she came in to my life. I didn’t have many friends and I think I was Natalia’s first real friend here. She didn’t know the me before my breakdown, but she accepted me in all my idiosyncrasies. I was in awe of her childlike wonderment, her cooking, her take on every aspect of life. It was like being in a dream state around her. It was too good to be true, it made me question myself, and want to be more like that. And she spoke English very well I thought but she took accent reduction classes, she worked hard. She created mascot costumes, learned how to make balloon animals, and got hired for birthday parties. She would video the party and make a beautifully edited video. She did this for one of my friends weddings then too. I visited her at a fancy resort with her then boyfriend and I remember eating the richest chocolate ganache and gateu cake with her. The way she enjoyed every morsel was something to behold. As someone who grew up on diets, I never knew anyone who treasured and savored dessert that way…she savored every moment. She drank black coffee with sweets and sweet coffee alone. She fried potatoes with onions(got me to like onions), she made oatmeal balls with cocoa and coffee and sugar and she’d add sprinkles like magic. Literally everything she did was magic. And we lived walking distance to the beach. This was a dream come true. And she appreciated In ways I want to appreciate life. Later, when I found her on Fb and we reconnected by text, it was sentimental and warm, just like I remembered her. I got choked up remembering my times with her. And then she had a baby….and I hadn’t known too many people with babies, but when I saw Natalia with Derek, I knew I wanted to be that loving and caring and mindful of a mom. I just am soo grateful for the time I spent with Natalia. I could go on and on with memories. Sadly, as friends do, we drifted apart…so, when I found Natalia years later on Fb and we caught up by text, I was bursting with pride at all she was doing and accomplishing. A revered photographer, author and all around inspiring person. One of her last reels is a girl spinning in a field, and it just epitomizes Natalia’s spirit. I’m crying because it’s over for her and smiling because she happened in my life.

[laulas]

#selflove #positiveselftalk #mentalhealth

[laulas]

[laulas]

Diet cutlture needs to Die

I was 10 or 12 when I went to my first weight watchers meeting, but I’m sure that wasn’t the first diet I went on.

I remember eating margarine and switching to skim milk in my cereal. I remember low fat snacks, and always being self-conscious about my body. Maybe I was 10-20 lbs overweight. I played soccer. I was active, and I thought my mom was thin. After all she was 4’11 and about 115 lbs. But, she was using skim milk margarine, and sweet and low..and forever commenting how fat she looked. So I did what every kid does. I copied her. I saw the pictures of starving women in magazines and on tv and thought I was supposed to look that way. And boy was I ever hard on myself. For a very long time. Until recently, and I’m 45. After weight watchers, my friend and I would go to the drug store and get candy, vowing to “be good”(cringe) the rest of the week. And on my childhood went this way. Get celebrated for losing weight every week, eventually stopping and succumbing to old food habits. There was the grapefruit diet, and the hot dog diet and the eat whatever you wanted one hour a week diet. If there was a diet to be tried, I tried it. Always with a measure of “success” only to gain the weight when the tracking and counting stopped. At 16, I decided I needed to go to Camp Shane-the camp for overweight boys and girls. If my parents were paying for sleepaway camp, I may as well lose weight doing it. At camp, I was definitely on the thinner side(10 or 20lbs overweight). And I loved it there. It was like other camps, but we ate portioned, “healthy” meals, and had activities like my other camps. However, there was a gym here, and morning stretch, and I learned how to do step training on wood boxes. I think I lost 3 lbs by the end of the first week. A pale comparison to my friend, and heaviest camper who lost 32lbs. We had nutrition classes, and weigh ins, and lots of walking. Shit, our dining hall was at the bottom of a huge hill. Eat and now go walk up the hill. As a snack at fat camp, I was introduced to Diet Coke, and sometimes to give us a bit of sugar, the triangle push up ice pops. Well. I was hooked. To exercise, healthier eating habits, and Diet Coke. I saw how much fat was in McDonalds chicken nuggets(ew). And I made some great friends. I went back. Most of us did, and most gained weight while they were home. So the cycle went. Eat healthy, lose weight, gain weight, berate myself, repeat. As I said, I did gain the healthy habit of exercise from camp so there’s that. And I learned to eat turkey meat instead of ground beef, but I didn’t learn to love myself exactly the way I was. At every weight. And I probably judged others too. Being fat meant so many negative things to me. How could I possibly not be skinny and still like myself. It seemed an impossible feat. But I started practicing yoga about 10 years ago, and the things yoga teachers say started to resonate. And somewhere along the line, I found affirmations. And I realized, my self talk, coupled with societal norms of health and beauty in magazines, social media and tv no longer were the gold standard. Loving and accepting yourself, being kind to yourself no matter your size or thoughts about your size would be more helpful than beating yourself up for everything you are not. I started focusing on the things I like about myself and my body, what it does for me, my creative mind, my resilience, and so much more. I realized I likely had body dysmorphorphia more than I had weight “problems. Indeed, no amount of making myself feel like shit would encourage me to be kind to myself about my body, and being. And when I changed myself talk(especially having children)everything changed. I shedded the weight of other peoples expectations, and my own unrealistic expectations which do not align with my genetics, and everything changed. So this is why I want diet culture to die. It is damaging, self-deprecating and generally not sustainable. I’m all for loving yourself and continually feeding your body nourishing foods, and enjoying treats because even the mental menusha of beating oneself up is for the birds. So throw some loving kindness your way today!!

[laulas]

#sunset #everglades #southflorida #ahh

[laulas]

#sunset #everglades #southflorida #ahh

[laulas]

Story of my life!

[laulas]

Let’s Do The Time Warp

I picked up my soon to be junior son to take him to schedule and book pick-up. At the high school I graduated! Talk about a time warp. Ninth grade he attended a magnet program at a different local school. Then covid. He finished out 9th grade virtually, and decided to go to the school he is zoned for. It also happens to be my alma mater. He attended virtually 2020/2021 and only was on campus for testing. I have been on campus in recent years for different reasons, but today the feels took over. We entered from the parking lot and as we entered the huge courtyard, I had a sense of deja vu that warmed me. While high school is a strange time in life, it is so impactful. I moved here and attended this high school in December of my junior year(🙄🤮)but I’m better now. Going back to my original high school, or any school I’ve attended would likely give me that feeling of nostalgia. My son, in true teen fashion was ignoring me, so I stood and took a deep breath and enjoyed the moment for myself. Time is a magical thing. Standing there I felt like 16 year old me. Not 45 year old mom of a 16 year old. Writing it now brings a tear to my eye. It’s only a building but wrought with so many memories and feelings of innocence, and very different responsibilities than now.

It was a nice throwback for me. I’m glad we moved back here 4 years ago. It is something my kids and I will share.

I hope he has a good school year and look forward to going there too.

[laulas]

Rejection is make believe

The feeling rejection gives us real

Rejection is a lie we tell ourselves

My throat clenches. The urge to say mean things and get angry at the source of the rejection rises quickly.

Hide. My brain and heart say.

It makes me want to crawl out of my skin for a beat. Relax your jaw I tell myself

Maybe my inner child needs a hug

There there young me it’s ok you are loved and cared for. You are enough. This moment. You are more than enough

The calm breath returns sending the shallow gasps back to their shadowy corner, until next time

Is that a rainbow I see in the distance it is

A sign of hope just for me.

I am loved and supported and worthy

The air smells of gardenia. A smile comes upon my face and the sun shines down

I feel warm and lovable and content

I like me

[laulas]

[laulas]

[laulas]

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