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lavender-pothos · 15 days

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May 4; Pop Rocks

Ship; Evan x Xenophilius (loverose/rosegood)

@marauders-rarepair-fics

“I’d like you to meet someone…” Pandora says, dragging her twin into the living room of her new, whimsical house.

Evan stumbles through the door behind her, laughing as he goes from her eagerness, but abruptly stops in his tracks when he sees the person his sister is talking about. He almost trips over his own feet, kicking up the carpet and crashing into her back.

Evan stares at the man with wide eyes, a man he knows far too well.

Tall, blonde, gorgeous. He’s sitting in an arm chair, clearly very comfortable, sipping on something sweet. The moment he catches Evans eye he smirks, his position shifting into a pose that makes Evans blood run hot.

Man spreading there on the armchair, arms thrown lazily over the sides, almost every button of his shirt undone, and those pants. Oh those fucking pants, deliciously tight and showing off everything.

He looks up at Evan on the other side of the room, smirking, daring. Evan is quite literally speechless, mouth so dry he feels like a fish out of water.

“This is Xeno.” Pandora declares, clearly having missed Evans entire internal panic. She waves her hands towards the man in a gesture of displaying something wonderful, and she’s right. He is wonderful. Fucking wonderful in the filthiest of ways. “Well, Xenophillius… Lovegood. Xeno Lovegood… my husband.”

Evan nods, because he knows the man’s name. He’s moaned the man’s name in- wait, “Husband?”

Well this isn’t good. Evan is fucking his sisters husband?

He’s the other woman? To his sisters husband!?

“Yeah, we got married this morning!” Pandora declared, “Met last night. It’s meant to be, you know?”

“Dora…” Evan glared at her, face so red he was sure he was going to cry, “I- I mean… you- uhm, you just met the man. I mean, are you sure…”

“Stop rambling.” Xeno said, his voice a low grovel that has Evan obeying instantly.

“Hey, don’t talk to my brother like that!” Pandora steps in, glaring at the man.

“It’s okay, Dora.” Xeno nods, taking a sip of his drink, “We know each other… hi darling.”

Evan gets impossibly redder.

“Dar-“ Pandora stops herself, eyes narrowing as she looks at Evan, and he’s mortified. Hates himself. He’s prepared to begin his grovelling. “Oh my goodness.”

“Look, Dora, please- I mean, I won’t-“

Pandora got very close to him, a strict look of determination on her face, and she began to whisper, “Just so you know, it’s a marriage of convenience. Not love. He needed an out from his family, and I am a lesbian. Now, I’ll leave you two to chat whilst I go find my girlfriend- yes, you can meet her, I’ll bring her for dinner.”

“Oh.” Evan swallowed.

Pandora giggled to herself, skipping towards the door, “We really are twins, Ev! What a load of queers, eh?”

Evan laughed, watching her pull on her coat and head away.

“I guess this is the universe’s way of telling me to keep you around, pet?” Xeno asked from the sofa, making the hairs on Evan’s neck stand at attention. He slowly turns around and sees Xeno petting his thigh, “I knew I’d find myself unable to get away from you.”

Blushing furiously, Evan races over to Xeno, his insides imploding on themselves, body tingling like fucking pop rocks popping all over. He wonders, maybe, if today’s the day he gets to keep Xeno to himself.

He ponders the thought of going through Pandora if it’s not, but he doesn’t need to come up with a plan like that in the end. Because Xeno kisses him like he’s never kissed him before, and they trade secrets and confessions of love, and Evan finds himself so fucking thankful his sisters a lesbian with a heart bigger than she knows what to do with it.

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lavender-pothos · 18 days

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On the Origin of Gayness – Are All Gryffindors Actually Gay?

(another pseudo-scientific paper by cat)

Abstract

This paper examines the question of Homosexuality in the Gryffindor House, drawing from previous research as well as collected samples and interviews with several acclaimed marauders scholars, using mixed methods. Much uncertainty still exists around the relationship between Gayness and Gryffindor, so in this paper I will once again commit to the bit and evaluate scientific scholarship on tumbler dot com for your education and entertainment.

Introduction

This research was prompted by my esteemed colleague and collaborator @lynxindisguise who revolutionised the scientific community by asking “what if gryffindor is just where you go if you’re gay [?]” (lynxindisguise 2024), daring scholars to “name a straight gryffindor” (ibid). Several highly esteemed scholars such as @plecotusauritus (2024) and @kaleidoscopexsighs (2024) agree with lynxindisguise on her thesis, @werewolfenthusiast (2024) even went so far as to comment that this "would explain a lot" while acclaimed marauders scholar @spindrifters is asking lynxindisguise to “pls”, not elaborating further what they want lynxindisguise to “pls” do, leaving the reader with more questions that this paper hopes to answer.

This paper systematically reviews the data gathered from the popular blogging website tumblr.com on this topic, aiming to provide more insight and clarity on the question of what I have coined “Gryffindor Gayness”.

The overall structure of the paper takes the form of two parts: the main part is 1 The Gryffindor Ideology, Theses on Gryffindor, focusing on the question of Gryffindor Gayness, providing an in-depth analysis and discussion of Gryffindor Gayness. Part 2 Can the Slytherins be Gay? can be seen as a call to action for other Hogwartian Sexuality scholars to consider doing research in this promising field.

1. The Gryffindor Ideology, Theses on Gryffindor

1.1 The Dawn of Everything: A New History of Gryffindor

This section of the paper aims to give a quick overview of the history of Gryffindor Gayness. The term “Gryffindor” tends to be used almost synonymous with “Serving Cunt”, which can be seen as synonymous for “Gay”.

To answer the question “What the hell is a Gryffindor?”, readers are encouraged to also familiarize themselves with previous works on this topic (cf. The Sorting Hat 1997, 2000, 2003; The Scarf of Sexual Preference 2009, 2010, 2012).

The Sorting Hat, leading expert in all things Gryffindor, has done extensive research in various closets, stating “I’m the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, And I can cap them all” (The Sorting Hat 1997), and “You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry, Set Gryffindors apart” (ibid).

To fully understand this, additional context of the song is important to note: whenever the Sorting Hat says brave or chivalrous, or daring, most scholars agree that these can be read as synonyms for “gay”, “homosexual” and “serving cunt” respectively. With this alternative reading of the Sorting Hat’s song, Gryffindor Gayness starts to make more sense, but in their later work, the Sorting Hat elaborates more on this, referring to Godric Gryffindor as “the bravest [the gayest]” (The Sorting Hat 2000).

@wanderingdonut (2024), a certified expert on vibes of all stripes shared insightful and important scholarship on the inherently homosexual symbolism of swords, and was the first scholar to draw the connection between the sword of Godric Gryffindor and Homosexuality, stating:

“as everyone knows, swords are the gayest accessory (the point is designed to penetrate? Please. And we all know everyone is gay for a woman with a sword), so really, it was godric who set everyone up for gayness.”

Further proving that Homosexuality has been connected to the House of Gryffindor from the beginning, as was intended by its founder. Wanderingdonut (2024) then goes on to say:

“There is nothing gayer than being bonked on the head with gayness at a deeply inconvenient time and Godric wants that for all his children”,

again stating explicit intent of homosexuality by the founding daddy of Gryffindor house, Godric Gryffindor.

Marauders scholar @fruityindividual also indirectly refers to Godric Gryffindor’s intentional mandate of homosexuality by describing the accommodations for Gryffindor students as having “cosy beds” and forcing proximity, thus leading to Gryffindor Gayness.

1.2 Gryffindor Trouble: Gayness and the Subversion of Identity

In this chapter I will give some examples for Gryffindor Gayness, illustrating why the initial assumption that all Gryffindors are Gay (cf. lynxindisguise 2024) is such an important, one could almost say revolutionary addition to this field of science.

1.2.1 The Weasley Family

The Weasley Family are one of the most prominent Gay/Gryffindor families, making them ideal subjects for this study.

Molly and Arthur Weasley have both been known to be into swinging, often asking couples to be their third and using rubber ducks in many creative ways, setting a good example for their many gay children (cf. polaroidcats 2024).

Fred and George Weasley are both known to have dated Lee Jordan at the same time, “Lee thought he was only dating one of them but forgot which one and was not brave enough to ask” (polaroidcats 2024), which makes Fred and George both perfect examples of that mischievous flavor of Gryffindor Gayness the Weasley family seems to be known for.

However one of the most prominent examples for Gryffindor Gayness in the Weasley family is the youngest child, Ginevra (“Ginny”) Weasley.

Wanderingdonut (2024) claims that “everyone is gay for a woman with a sword. Particularly if it’s Ginny Weasley with a sword”, calling her a “lesbian queen”. Similarly, plecotusauritus (2024) states that “Ginny had a new girlfriend every two weeks but it never got mentioned since it wasnt [sic!] important part of Harry's journey”, introducing not only Ginny’s tendency to fall into her parents’ promisingly promiscuous footsteps, but also highlighting an important aspect of her relationship with Harry James Potter.

@kaaaaaaarf (2024) elaborates further on this idea of compulsory heteronormativity in relation to Ginny’s relationships:

“That girl [Ginny] is a lesbian and I will not be convinced otherwise. I think half the reason her and Harry were drawn to each other is because they recognized (even subconciously) that the other gave off queer vibes, and therefore was a safe person to be with in a heteronormative society. I truly believe that eventually she met a woman and fell in love”

The Homosexuality of the Weasley family is well-documented and widely accepted among scholars of the field. One more example for this can be found in the next section of this paper, discussing the compulsory heteronormative tendencies of certain Gryffindors.

1.2.2 The Golden Trio and Compulsory Heteronormativity

In this section I will explore the parallels between Harry and Ginny’s relationship and Hermione and Ron’s relationship that I have found in my research.

Plecotusauritus (2024) raises the point of “Ron having a major crush on Krum” and elaborates that Ron eventually decides “that he was actually jealous of Hermione and not Krum, and commiting to the bit so hard they end up married (but will eventually find a way for them both to act on their queer tendencies)”, bringing up the idea of compulsory heteronormativity.

This sentiment is mirrored in kaaaaaaarf’s (2024) description of Harry and Ginny’s relationship, where the scholar states that “when [Ginny] finally talked to Harry about it [falling in love with a woman] he wasn't really upset at all. This sent him on his own spiral, realizing that he might not be as straight as he thought he was...”

When asked about favorite Gay Gryffindor moments, scholar lynxindisguise (2024) replied with: “harry being unable to talk about cedric or sirius without mentioning them handsoming [sic!] handsomely down the stairs”.

Likewise, the scholar kaaaaaaarf (2024) replied to the same question as follows:

“I think every time Harry made some sort of comment about how attractive other men were/his obsession with Draco. No straight person is that obsessed with their same sex arch enemy, I'm sorry.”

Scholar @greengrug (2024) also refers to Harry’s obsession with Draco Malfoy, stating that he “takes a permanent residence in the love-to-hate you part of the brain. Two powerful emotions combined to create an unwavering obsession that can't be forgotten.”

Greengrug (ibid) also points out the inherent heteronormativity of the love triangle between Harry James Potter, Cho Chang and Cedric Diggory, elaborating on Harry’s feelings of jealousy and mourning leading him to participate in the classic comphet ritual of kissing your dead lover’s ex girlfriend next to his picture:

“Harry is jealous of Cho being with Cedric! Why else would he kiss her next to his picture next year? Anyone else can see how horridly inappropriate that is. Clearly only a mourning gryffingay could be driven to that point.” (ibid).

1.2.3 The Marauders

Before evaluating the individual Gayness of each member of the friend group known as “the Marauders” (see also my previous work on their crying practises, polaroidcats 2023), a common thread in the gayness of all four members is, as marauders scholar fruityindividual puts it “the scantily-clad special alone times in the sheesh shed”, raising the important question of where the wizard’s clothes go when they change from their animagus form back to their human forms, an area that has been overlooked by science thus far. There is little to be known about it, but it can be assumed that most time any of the marauders has spent in the “sheesh shed”, as the expert calls it, must have been spent naked. Further research on this topic is encouraged.

1.2.3.1 Sirius Black

The added context of Gryffindor Gayness allows for a much more interesting reading of Sirius Black being sorted into Gryffindor. Acclaimed Sirius Black expert plecotusauritus (2024) states that “deep down his [Sirius’] parents knew that this might happen. It was still bit of a shock to this notably straight family.”, referencing the Black family tradition of Slytherin Super Straightness.

1.2.3.2 Remus Lupin

Remus Lupin is one of the most interesting examples for Gryffindor Gayness, proving simultaneously that being Gay is and is not a choice. According to lynxindisguise (2024), Remus “chose gryffindor because he immediately fell in love with sirius on the train and then felt bad when he saw him get sorted into gryffindor and look scared”, proving that being gay is a choice. In my own previous research, I have stated that “Neville’s first crush was Remus Lupin” (polaroidcats 2024), to which spindrifters (2024) has since added the important addition that “remus lupin was also dean thomas's gay awakening”, stating that “there is canon evidence for this across like 3 books”, proving once and for all that being gay is not a choice.

1.2.3.3 James Potter

James Potter is another fascinating example of Gryffindor Gayness, because he was in what the scholars call a “bi4bi” relationship with Lily Evans, another Gryffindor Gay, proving that Gryffindor Gayness is inclusive of Bisexuality and possibly also other queer sexualities. Further research on this topic would be necessary to find a definitive list of sexual orientations that can be subsumed under Gryffindor Gayness, but James Potter and Lily Evans are probably most if not all of them at the same time.

1.2.3.4 Peter Pettigrew

Peter Pettigrew is still the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met, I do not trust him and he is a fugly slut. He was also in love with James and fandom would be all over that Gryffindor Gayness if Peter hadn’t been portrayed as unattractive, but that is a different topic for another paper.

1.3 Gryffindor Realism

This chapter illustrated different examples of Gryffindor Gayness across various generations and genders. There are countless more examples that I encourage scholars to explore. One could argue that there are also straight Gryffindors, but one would be wrong, all Gryffindors are gay. The last section of this paper examines the question of why some non-Gryffindors are also (seemingly) gay and provides further questions for future researchers to consider.

2. Can the Slytherins Be Gay?

The question of why there are also non-Gryffindors who are gay can be answered by referring readers to section 1.2.2 The Golden Trio and Compulsory Heteronormativity. Children are sorted into these houses at eleven years old, so some children might develop their Homosexual tendencies only later in life, or they might try and hide them from the sorting hat. Black family scholar plecotusauritus (2024) also raises the important point of Bellatrix Lestrange (née Black) threatening the Sorting Hat so bad that she got sorted into Slytherin instead of Gryffindor.

3 Conclusion

Previous studies of Hogwartian Sexualities have failed to identify the precise reasoning for students of other houses also showing signs of Gayness. In this article I hope to help close that research gap by focusing on Gryffindor Gayness, but further research into Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Ravenclaw Sexualities would be necessary for a more systematic approach. With more time and funding, I hope to address these issues in future research.

Future research questions that could be asked include “Why was Gilderoy Lockhardt in Ravenclaw?”, “Who are the Slytherin Super Straights?” and “What the hell is a Hufflepuff?”.

The most obvious findings to emerge from this research project are the confirmation of Gryffindor Gayness in all members of the Weasley family, the Marauders and the Golden Trio, as well as other Gryffindors, and the exploration of compulsory heteronormativity as a possible explanation for Non-Gryffindor Gayness, as well as atypical Gryffindor behaviour. Considerably more work will need to be done to determine the pecise circumstances of phenomena such as Slytherin Super Straights, Hufflepolyamory and Ravenclaw Aces, and I hope to be able to do research on these soon.

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