lifeimpending

[lifeimpending]

If you are wondering how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I cam feel myself sleeping back into the mind set of, I don't deserve to live again. I hate it, I really do, but I also don't know what to do about it. I'm trying affirmations but they aren't working right now. I'm trying to be nicer to myself but I feel like I'm slipping even more when I do that. I've even thought about checking myself into a mental hospital which is never something I've thought of before. But I wouldn't be able to pay my bills if I did. Now I'm sitting on the floor watching a storm going on around me ice cream I know I shouldn't be eating feeling exhaust from doing nothing.

I'm pathetic

But it will all pass with time.

Hanging on by threads

-Ira

#was this probably too dramatic #yeah #but oh well

[lifeimpending]

Hello, it's been a while. Almost two years to be exact. Life's been interesting to say the least. I broke up with sparrow, for a lot of reasons. I can't seem to find a way to say that without it seeming bad, because they aren't a bad person, they're an amazing person who deserves the world, I just can't be the world for them and they weren't quite right for me. I have learned a lot about myself. I am fucking needy. I just don't know how to ask for what I want though. I have moved again but I am still in the place I moved to, right after my latest post, but I didn't even say there I was thinking of moving, because I was. I love it here, I love my job, I love hanging out with people. It really hasn't seemed like it's been almost 2 years since I've moved here and almost a whole year since I've started the job I'm at. Every other job I've worked at it's seemed like a long time even though it was a short time, this job, i didn't even realize that I was almost at a year until this month. It's crazy how much a good work environment can change that. I've also been working on myself in general. I have more good days then bad days. I don't just feel tired and anxious all the time. Being anxious is a foreign feeling now. And so is being sad or tired. It's so odd to think on those days now that that's what I felt like constantly. I'm not sure how I made it through other than spite and having good people by my side. I know for a fact I would have never made it through without my sister. I have so many stories to share. I'll get to them all eventually. But for now, this was the update. I'm happy and enjoying life.

-Ira

[lifeimpending]

March 30th 23:59pm

It's been a year truly. So much has happened over that year. I had my first relationship. It was so short. 2 1/2 weeks. There were some good 0arts but looking back it wasn't that great. There were a lot of red flags I didn't pay attention to. And being with the person I am now, it's so clear to me that that relationship was not good. It was toxic, on both parts. I wasn't being true to myself. I was being a version of me for someone else. And that's not good, especially for a long relationship. How long could I keep that up. Funny thing is he broke up with me and was still clingy as fuck and eventually wanted to try again and I ghosted him.. Work was interesting I changed locations to farther away, but it was worth it. More tips, bigger area, less people that I knew. I'm currently trying to move again. I miss the rain so much. I'm not sure why I needed to be out here.

In November (on November 29th exactly) I found a twitch streamer that has a really great community. Honestly I couldn't have found them at a better time. I was starting to get down again, and their community is so positive and uplifting and i found some people that have made me glad I am still alive.

It started when they got a discord server. I joined it immediately. I didn't talk or anything at first, but then one of the mods said he'd be in the general voice chat (vc)

The first night I didn't join. The second night he said that I joined. It was DarkEvent and Sparklez. I had such a great time talking with them. For like the next week (I don't know the actual time line) we would hangout in general vc. We eventually started playing among us together. It got to the point where we named ourselves the chaos crew going around having fun causing "chaos" in among us. There was times others joined us. One time we accidentally stole all of the streamers mods playing among us while they restarted their computer and we didn't even realize they had restarted stream and we still had all of their mods.

One of the mods Sparrow. I don't even know how to describe them. They are amazing and beautiful. They are my girlfriend. I don't know whatll happen in the future but I hope not to screw things up.

Yellow crew (sparklez and sparrow) are pog. They came into my life when I was getting to one of my low points again, wondering if it's all worth it. They have lifted me up. They have reminded me what yellow is. I can't explain to you how much they mean to me, getting in vc almost every single night. Talking to both of them. It's made me so glad I'm here. I was watching tik tok and there was a video talking about how you would've never experienced certain things if you had died, and it made me realize that they are one of the first things in so long that made me glad I made it this long.

That is all I wanted to write for now

A happy post for once

Maybe more later

Maybe see you in a year

A fairly happy

-Ira

[lifeimpending]

I have found another one of my soulmates, now time to figure out if it is platonic or more

[lifeimpending]

Ah. Help. Please no. Whyyyyyyy? Everything said that a soulmate was coming into my life and that plans were in motion for love but then the other day it said to have patience and it's not quite the right time yet. Braaah. Dont give me hope finally and then go but you gotta be patient. I dont wanna be patient. Anyways was invited to dnd monday, why do I have to work? But I'm probably gonna go on a hike in the morning, so that's good. Just curious who this soulmate could be. I wish things could be more clearer but I guess that's kind of not the point. Just need to remember jon bellions dont ask cuz I dont know I guess. I hope things will work out

- a hopeful

Ira

[lifeimpending]

March 11th, 2020

As I sist here thinking about things and reading things, I am leaning more towards one side. Hopefully it is the right way and I'm not making mistakes. Of course I will continue my research and figure it out fully but it is where I am leaning to more. I just wish there weren't things that bothered me. Like i wish i was fully excepted for who i am. And the fact that I like both men and women. I wish that the lgtbq community was more accepted and that they knew it's not a choice but how we were born feeling, but theres always room and time for change. Plant the seeds even if we cant be around to see what grows from them

-contemplating

Ira

[lifeimpending]

Feburary 2nd 2020

It's been a while since I've written here. I only really wrote here when something major happens. I may try to change that here but knowing me I doubt I'll actually right more. I havent really updated on anything but theres one thing I mainly want to talk about. I had my first kiss last night and it was with a girl. Honeslty I think that is what I'm most happy about

[lifeimpending]

I just want to be myself

But how can I do that when I don't know who I am

As I lay here on my bedroom floor, I wonder. Who am I?

Who am I really?

Am I actually that happy girl who laughs?

Am I actually the sad girl who cries alone in her house when she gets home so no one see that shes breaking?

Who am I supposed to be?

Who am I inside?

I dont know anymore.

Is it all fake?

Is every little piece about me faked?

[lifeimpending]

March 1st, 2020

As I lay here on my bedroom floor, I wonder. Who am I?

Who am I really?

Am I actually that happy girl who laughs?

Am I actually the sad girl who cries alone in her house when she gets home so no one see that shes breaking?

Who am I supposed to be?

Who am I inside?

I dont know anymore.

Is it all fake?

Is every little piece about me faked?

[lifeimpending]

My brain is shutting out my feelings. Theres something I dont want to feel but what is it. It's only letting some emotions in and its only a tad bit to where I can somewhat feel it but I'm not quite sure what it is or why

[lifeimpending]

Feburary 5th 2020

Stupid feburary 4th follow up (half asleep)

Have you ever dranken squirt not fully expecting anything and it just spicy.

Yes, I'm half asleep and my brain isnt fully thinking but, if you drink squirt without expecting it to be squirt it's a real experience.

[lifeimpending]

Feburary 4th 2020

Have you ever just sat down outside and contemplated life?

Right now it feels like I have two sides of me pulling against each other.

There's the one where I'm out drinking and doing whatever I want even when it's the most stupidest thing ever.

Then theres the other where I feel safe but my actions are limited.

Neither feels fully right, but neither feels wrong either.

I dont know what to do, which path to follow. Normally I have this gut instinct about things. I just kind of know where to go because the other choice doesnt feel right. I'm just so lost.

Trying to find the way

-ira

[lifeimpending]

October 4th part 2

So after the dream, I couldnt get him out of my head till I went to hang out with my friend. I'm so glad I did because I feel like I helped defuse a whole situation that could've blown up. I had fun and got to met her boyfriend which was nice after talking to him only online for months. Hes a good guy and he may seem harsh but its protection. Hes honestly alot nicer in person and it didn't freak me out to meet him at all. Hes the person ive felt most comfortable about meeting in so long and honestly it just felt like talking to an odd version of Michael talking to him which is very good. It also probably a good thing my mom instincts were kicking in instead of my anxiety because my friend needed my love. My friend also gave me one of the best compliments I think anybody could've given me. That I dont take no shit. Which actually boosts my confidence because I sometimes think I let people walk over me but she told me today I have spunk. Which is something I fake. I also had fun playing fibbage with them. It was funny because I basically got an answer that I shouldn't have at all... and then the dream popped back up into my mind when I got home so I looked him up on Facebook. Hes doing good and has a good job and is still with his girlfriend which is good. I'm glad hes doing good in life. Overall I had a good day. The drama and being there was well worth it to make their day better and to spend time with them.

-a very tired

Ira

Also I may have yelled at my friends boyfriend that he better use condoms... to be fair right before that she had just told me she wasnt taking birth control anymore so.

#good day #friends #weird dreams #all the things

[lifeimpending]

November 3rd 2019

Hello again,

Still a little buzzed, but cant sleep, so I dont expect this to be coherent at all, or typed out well, but I have found a new best friend, like one of the greatest. I got fucked up last night because I was already depressed that day so I was like fuck it let's have some fun. I didnt mean to get black out drunk like I did though. I'm glad I gave my keys to Devin when I did and I'm glad he took care of me and made sure everything was good. I'm grateful for him coming into my life and that hes such a good friend, because at this point with last night I don't know what i would do without him. And clearly my sister because I took a video about how shes my soulmate, which she is and always will be. I dont remember a good portion of last night, which isnt fun but I know I had fun. Also me fully drunk is just me without anxiety and not knowing how to talk at all. Like at all.

Please help my sanity,

-ira

[lifeimpending]

October 23rd 2019

Something that's been happening recently that's strange to me is I forget where I am. That sounds weird and probably a lot more concerning then it actually is. I just feel like I'm back at one of my old places. Like just a minute ago I was just reading webtoons on my phone and not really realizing it, it felt like I was I moms appartment with sly at my feet sleeping. I turned to look at something and realized I'm not there at all. What's weirder this time is its not fading. It's like I really want to be back there so bad that my body and mind is just gonna disregard the fact that we're not. At least I have Loki, my cat, now. Hes at my feet sleeping, but this could also be adding to the illusion. I've had so many changes over the past few years after having none that my brain doesnt know how to handle it and I'm "transported" back to the other places until I move or open my eyes and it's just like, oh yeah, I'm not there anymore. I'm not even in north Carolina anymore.

-ira

[lifeimpending]

August 19th

Why is it that whenever I tell someone that I'm single their response is why?

Like I dont know why.

Maybe it's because deep down I fear falling in love. I fear putting my trust in someone so much when they could do so much to hurt me. I cry when I lose a friendship let alone a relationship. Maybe it's because I've watched everyone around me be "in love" and had it disappear. Maybe it's because I dont know if I can love someone. I cant love myself. Why could anybody love me.

[lifeimpending]

"Its not a phase mom." Except it is, if you really think about it. Our lives are a serious of phases. Look at yourself as a child, you wouldnt say you acf exactly the same, look exactly the same, you've grown and changed and learned and experienced things. It wouldnt be much of a life if you hadn't. So yes it is a phase but that's okay because it's what makes you happy right now, and that all you need.