lil-als

[lil-als]

Rating US Presidents Based on Whether I’d Fuck Them

Disclaimer: this is not a serious post. I am fully aware that most of these men were terrible people. this list does not focus on policy.

1. George Washington

He was an army general so he probably had a nice body, but he also had slave teeth in his mouth which is a massive turn off. Not to mention this was the 1700s and people weren’t very clean. Maybe if he took a shower and got new teeth 5/10

2. John Adams

Weird hairstyle. Bald on top but too much on the sides so he just looks insane. Chubby. Literally made criticizing the government a crime. I hate him. 1/10 if I was given a lot of money

3. Thomas Jefferson

terf bangs and terrible sense of style. In his portrait he looks like he’d call me a slur and then laugh about it. Giving him 1 point for being tall, 1 point for being rich, and 1 point for writing the Declaration of Independence 3/10

4. James Madison

Small and sickly. Always ill and had epileptic seizures. Had a piss kink, -3 points for nastiness. Kind of looks like a sheep. However, I get the feeling he was cleaner than most of the other founding fathers which shoots him up to 3/10 with an extra pity point since he’s basically a freaky make-a-wish kid

5. James Monroe

Weird chin. Looks kinda stuck up but otherwise not terribly unnattractive. 4/10

6. John Quincy Adams

Quincy is a stupid name. Related to John Adams but somehow was more decent. Kind of a disappointment, so who’s to say that doesn’t extend to sex? Kind of handsome when he was young 3/10

7. Andrew Jackson

This motherfucker. This motherfucker was horribly racist and was the first president to garner a cult-mentality. He was also from Tennessee. Dweeby looking. However, he does get points for probably having a nice body considering his military service and being very pretty 6/10

8. Martin Van Buren

Looks like Old Deuteronomy’s human-sona. However, he does have a very handsome looking face under all of that beard. 3/10 if he shaved and was a little younger

9. William Henry Harrison

Not bad looking. Big nose. Also kinda old. 5/10 if he was younger

10. John Tyler

Looks like he’s deficient in every nutrient. 3/10 if he had a protein shake and a big burger.

11. James K. Polk

This man has a VERY pretty face. However, he’s got a very weird hairline. His support for slavery is also a turnoff. 6/10 if he got a better haircut and wasn’t racist

12. Zachary Taylor

Handsome. Died from exhaustion and eating too many cherries, which is a total mood. 6/10

13. Millard Fillmore

His name reminds me of a duck. I’m pretty sure I would beat him up if he went to my school. Looks like a dweeb. 2/10

14. Franklin Pierce

Look at this handsome man. That pensive stare and beautifully sculpted jawline. He is probably the first one on this list that is genuinely fuckable by choice. Deducted a point because of course he’s racist. smh why can’t we have nice things 9/10

15. James Buchanan

He looks so sad in every single portrait painted of him, I kind of feel bad :(. Not terrible looking. 4/10

16. Abraham Lincoln

Ok. He was tall and fit. His assassination location also implies that he liked the theater. Overall very handsome man. REALLY nice facial structure. This is self explanatory. 8/10.

17. Andrew Johnson

Gives me kind of bulldog-ish vibes. Otherwise, not bad looking. 3/10 I really have nothing else to say he’s kinda bland

18. Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses is a cool as fuck name. He fought on the side of the union in the civil war too, which is very, very sexy of him. Usually I’m not one to like facial hair, but this guy rocks it. 8/10

19. Rutherford B. Hayes

Like his predecessor, Rutherford is also a really fucking sick name. His abolitionism is very sexy of him. 6/10 if he shaved his stanky looking beard differently

20. James A. Garfield

Again with the stanky ass beards. Shave it and you’ll be a 5/10

21. Chester A. Arthur

Chester is a stupid name. Can you imagine fucking a guy named Chester?? Can you imagine moaning the name Chester? I cannot. He also had a fucking unibrow and one of those beards that make old guys look like cats. 2/10

22. Grover Cleveland

He reminds me of the British walrus from Ice Age. 1/10 very rotund

23. Benjamin Harrison

Would be very handsome if he shaved and worked out just a little. 4/10 he has a lot of potential

24. Grover Cleveland

This bitch again. See 22.

25. William McKinley

You could make a Minecraft skin out of this guy and you wouldn’t even have to change anything about him. Very square head, nice side profile. Kinda chubby. Has potential. 2/10

26. Theodore Roosevelt

I don’t agree with a lot of the things he did, but this man was a badass motherfucker. I don’t even care that he looks like a chubby mustachioed nerd, he’s cool as hell. 6/10

27. William Howard Taft

Meet the globglologlab. Was so large that he got stuck in the White House bathtub and it deadass had to be replaced. He’d probably crush me into a bone and organ smoothie. Also from Ohio. 1/10

28. Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow is a stupid name, but otherwise he’s ok. Kind of a twink. Also kinda dig the nerdy look, really cute. 7/10

29. Warren G. Harding

This man needs to show me his brow routine, because I wish mine were as thick as his. Handsome looking face. 5/10 if he was younger

30. Calvin Coolidge

He looks like he’d call me a slur and then lecture me about Bitcoin or some shit. Nice facial structure, lack of eyebrows is off putting. 5/10

31. Herbert Hoover

He wasn’t bad looking when he was young. Kinda chubby. 4/10

32. Franklin D. Roosevelt

He looks very kind. I’d hang out with him. If he was younger, 7/10

33. Harry S. Truman

Okay, I’ll admit upon first glance at the round glasses I was about to unload with rat-related insults. However, he looks very polite and actually has potential to be fuckable and has a nice facial structure. 6/10

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower

He reminds me of a frog. Why is his mouth so large. 4/10 because I like frogs

35. John F. Kennedy

John fucking Fitzgerald Kennedy. The president that had hordes of screaming fangirls that I can assure you I would have been a part of. I can go on and on about him. This man was THE sexiest president, hands down. Look at his hair. Look at his face and his physique. His POSTURE. The amount of charisma he had despite sickness. The fact that he actually knew what the fuck he was saying when he spoke and he did it with CONFIDENCE. The fact that he served in the navy in wwii and you KNOW 1940s navy boys are PRETTY. He went to prep school and Harvard AND he was from New England AND he died tragically the man was essentially a dark academia dream boy. Not to mention that SMILE. I can listen to his accent for hours. He is gorgeous. He is beautiful. Hnngggd he’s so fuckking sexy 20/10 I would peg him so goddamn hard

36. Lyndon B. Johnson

In terms of sexiness, Kennedy’s vice is a massive step down. 3/10

37. Richard Nixon

He has an okay face I guess. 4/10

38. Gerald Ford

Again, has a nice face. He was very attractive in younger pictures. 7/10

39. Jimmy Carter

Pretty good president, overall a really good dude. Handsome face. 8/10 if he was younger because he’s like 90 now and that’s a little weird

40. Ronald Reagan

Made republicans into nasty little creatures. I hate him. However, he isn’t terribly ugly in his presidential picture. He gives me weirdly attractive 60yo. sugar daddy with a boat vibes I don’t fucking know 6/10

41. George H.W. Bush

Looks very polite, was handsome in younger portraits. Army vet. 6/10

42. Bill Clinton

Looks like a genderbent Karen. Has an oddly punchable face. He also gets points off for being from Arkansas and cheating on his wife 5/10

43. George W. Bush

Looks like his father, handsome. Don’t really know how I feel about him otherwise, 6/10

44. Barack Obama

Obama is one of the three on this list that I would definitely be down for. He’s tall, fit, respectable, and overall conventionally attractive. 9/10

45. Donald J. Trump

I’m pretty sure that Donald Trump is the most unfuckable “human” being that has ever disgraced our miserable little world. I can’t imagine so much as touching him with a 100 foot pole if it meant curing me of death. For someone who was wealthy for all of his life, you’d think he’d have better taste when it comes to clothing, hair, and the stolen animatronic faces that he chooses to wear. Thinking of him naked in bed makes my already concave genitals cave in further. Wretched, dirty little man deserving of no respect. He’s never pleased any of his wives, and he’s never even pleased the prostitutes he’s hired and taken advantage of because no person would have sex with him without incentive (and even with the promise of great sums of money he would still make me want to regurgitate my innards and bleach them). He is the personification of celibacy. I hate him. It’s difficult to express concisely the amount of vehement disdain I hold for him. I’m not even religious and he makes me want to become a nun. -20/10.

46. Joseph R. Biden

Have you seen pictures of this man when he was young? Goddamn. I’d let him absolutely rail me if he wasn’t currently 80. 9/10

#OKAY SO KENNEDY CHEATING ON HIS WIFE IS FINE BUT NOT CLINTON? #I see how it is smh #you leave my boy bill alone he’s beautiful. that hair. THAT NOSE #I understand the negative points for being from Arkansas what even goes on down there #us presidents #im not tagging all of them #just the one I’m actually pissed about #bill clinton #I’m not actually down this bad for Bill Clinton. he just deserves like a seven at least or something #and an apology

[lil-als]

Nothing to do with politics, just looks

#paul ryan #his eyes are so blue #polls #tumblr polls

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No in between. Reblog if you vote pleas

#really depends on the time of year #if I am recovering from a Chicago winter it’s warm and I can wear a t shirt #if it is September I know WINTER IS COMING

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I’d post something along the lines of “John Edwards is a pretty alright guy”

I’d post something that was riddled with grammar and punctuation errors.

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@kolibrispacestation

“George, I’ve got a question to ask you: What else do you feed that thing besides jelly beans?”

— President Ronald Reagan to Vice President George H.W. Bush, after Bush kept accidentally dropping jelly beans into his lap during a meeting in the Oval Office.

#ronald reagan #george h.w. bush

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as far as i'm concerned all gore is necessary

#BAHAHAHAHA #al gore #he is necessary #he “lost“ the election

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Antebellum Miscellaneous Casting 2/?

Before i continue i feel like it needs to be said that i actually dont know what any of these peoples acting styles are like, so this is 90% vibes 7% faceclaim and 3% concentration of will, so:

Matthew Daddario as Alexander Hamilton Jr.

Rebecca Hall as Sarah Polk

Emily Blunt as Lucretia Clay

Evan Rachel Wood as Margaret Eaton

Natalie Dormer as Floride Calhoun

Ben Barnes as Galusha Grow

Adam Driver as Roger B. Taney

Tom Cruise as John J. Crittenden

Luke Evans as Lawrence Keitts

Benedict Cumberbatch as Jefferson Davis

Sophie Nelisse as Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Jennifer Lawrence as Varina Davis

Chris Pratt as Horace Greeley

Jared Padalecki as Anson Burlingame

and

Mitt Romney as Franklin Pierce

#this is all vv good #but MITT hit me like a truck #that image of him looks so devious #handsome mitt? is that anything? #only tagging him #mitt romney

[lil-als]

"Ulysses Simpson Grant's period in office seems to prove the theory that we can coast along for eight years without a President...Grant's period as President was one of the low points in our history...I don't think Grant knew very much about what the President's job was except that he was Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces. That was the thing, I think, that impressed him more than anything, and he was pretty naïve or ignorant about everything else...He wasn't even a Chief Executive; he was another sleepwalker whose Administration was even more crooked than Warren Harding's, if that's possible."

-- President Harry S. Truman, on Ulysses S. Grant

#Truman needs to stop being bitchy #harry truman #ulysses s grant

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Cool cool I’m ace and awkward

Tagging @soviet-space-ace and @saso-does-art

@igotthisaccountunderduress tagged me to do this quiz and this pic crew

Thanks for the tag <3 I’m obsessed with this pic crew.

Tagging: @emqraldrxses @authorofemotion @caityrayeraye @partlysunny15 @ladyartichokie @pickle-bandits

#asexual panromantic specifically but still #at least some of that fanfiction would be smut #idk how to feel about this #do you love me tumblr? #picrew #tag games #tag game

[lil-als]

all men can be categorized into what i'm calling the five types of man: rat, hamster, princess, teddy bear, and factory reject

#not a man but I’m a ​teddy bear but it’s small and if you press it’s arm it makes noise #I say mostly random bits of info about gore Kerry Clinton etc #but there’s a one in twenty chance it’s just sobbing #i’m alright

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Missed opportunity to say “read it and veep”

read it and weep

#FUCKING LOVE VEEPTOPUS

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Technically wasn’t tagged but

I don’t want to fight my creepy John Edwards drawing (in color) because that means I have to go near him…

Tagging @soviet-space-ace @anorexic-bitch-from-the-swamp @kolibrispacestation @pranklinfierce and anyone really

You have to fight the 8th newest photo in your gallery, what’s going to happen. (Tag your mutuals)

example:

Okay Stolas as an actual bird with a knife, well he has a knife that’s concerning, but he is small, but then again he’s also a demon bird… I could probably survive. @floralcavern @whosbex @batata-doce-com-farofa @oliviartist @david-goldrock

#long post #tag game

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#political rpf my beloved

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Shitty John Kerry edit

#his face is so fucked #<- prev aw I like his face #John Kerry is vv fun to draw

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Shitty John Kerry edit

#john kerry #is it a comp I don’t think so

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#fucking hate wm mckinley and Arthur would probably take me somewhere fancy and pay #I wouldn’t ask him on another date #Chester a arthur #william mckinley #make more of these poles please let’s see who the most dateable president is #*polls not poles

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#it’s my cursed drawing of John Edwards #I hate him but he is a lawyer so… yay