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Imagine showing up to work one day and people are like "jesus fucking christ there's a corpse in here", herd you to the back room and everyone who sees you also agrees that there is now a dead body where you are sitting, with the appropriate amount of shock and disgust about it. You figure it's some kind of a prank that they're pulling, but also the people that you know aren't into pranks, or aren't very good actors, are treating you like a corpse. They go weirdly back and forth between talking about you as if you're not there, and politely asking you to stay still while they figure out who you're supposed to call in case of a dead body randomly appearing.

Paramedics show up, study you thoroughly and agree that while they can't see any apparent sign of death, you are, indeed, dead, and ask you to climb aboard the ambulance. You're taken to the temporary corpse storage that hospitals have.

On the way there you ask them whether this kind of shit happens often, and while they won't look at you, the paramedics agree that they've never had a talking corpse before, though they won't question the fact that you're moving on your own.

You're eventually led to a morgue, where you're shown a slab to lay on, and at this point you don't really even question it, you just climb onto the Corpse Shelf and lay down, maybe have a little nap, with no idea what's going to happen next.

Then you wake up to someone walking into the morgue, who has the shit scared out of them when you move, and they're like "dude what the fuck, you're not supposed to be here, this place is for storing dead bodies" and when you're like "aw man sorry I thought I was a dead body" they have no idea whether you're joking and they don't care, you're just chased out of there.

And you just kinda go home and take a shower, show up to work normally the next day and nobody questions it.

And basically that's probably how those ants feel when scientists spray them with the Pheromone That Dead Ants Smell Like, and just hang out at the dead-ant-pile until the smell wears off.

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“adrien was never allowed to go to public school” ladynoir AUs are so underrated tbh. the reveal is arguably even more earth-shattering than canon’s. in an AU where marinette personally doesn’t know adrien at all, the reveal becomes the in-universe equivalent of finding out your boyfriend on discord has been Harry Styles all along. and you’re not even necessarily a fan. fucking hilarious. iconic. how does she come back from that. how do you just continue on your day after finding out your life is a wattpad fic

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rewatching elementary now with the knowledge Jonny Lee Miller had started with his own sobriety and recovery whilst filming is honestly transcendent. He is so GOOD. he is gut-wrenching. The scene where Sherlock explains his sobriety feels like a leaking faucet that requires constant maintenance and offers only not to drip in return - jlm does this thing with his voice where he's on the verge of tears but bored all at once. He's wrecked by a feeling he's utterly sick to death of having. It's such a compassionate performance. On another level it is truly crazy to me that we have so many Sherlock Holmes adaptations so eager to make Sherlock an addict, but Elementary is far and away the only adaptation that does that and takes the addiction seriously. Perhaps in part because of JLM's real life recovery, but we'll never know. On a rewatch, it's a lot :')

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my stupid delicate princess fingers can’t wear rings for more than three days in a row before the skin starts splitting

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Expertise can't help you here.

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Sailor Moon! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و I wanna do all the scouts but I’m so lazy.

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Context: This grown ass police inspector is asking a teenager to resolve a hostage situation for him

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赤ニットアスカ 

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Another one picked out by the Patreon

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queen of the world to me

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Kind of hilarious to me how poorly the title "Mob Psycho 100" localized to English-speaking areas. To someone whose first language is English, it scans as:

Mob (Yakuza, Mafia)

Psycho (violent person with "crazy" behaviors)

Thus: a particularly violent member of organized crime.

But in Japanese it scans as:

Mob (background characters in crowd scenes in manga or anime)

Psycho (short for psychic)

Thus: a psychic who looks/acts like someone you'd never pick out of a crowd scene in a comic.

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Well I would give a medieval peasant some spaghetti.

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You know, for Aware Of Abuse AU, Chloé, Kagami and Adrien are all pretty perfect matches For the main reactions to trauma and stress - Fight, Flight, Fawn.

Chloé’s default reaction to stress is Fight. Lash out. Defend herself. Meet hostility with hostility, and anger with anger. Secondary for her is Fawning, with her mother. Agree with what Audrey says, and you won’t get in trouble. Placate. Smile and nod. Flight comes out rarely, only in extreme situations. She’d rather stand her ground. Flight is only her default if other people are involved. Get them away, out of the line of fire.

Adrien’s main is Fawning. Be polite. Smile and nod. Agree with what your dad says. Don’t argue. Don’t talk back. His Secondary is Flight. When he can’t deal with the situation, he tries to leave, to remove himself. Head to Chloé’s, hide out with her, she’ll claim she demanded his presence and Father will just be annoyed. Fight is rare, for Adrien, but similar to Chloé, his default if other people are involved. Defend them, keep them safe.

Kagami’s interesting, because you’d think she’d be Fight or Fawn Primarily, but she’s actually Flight. Avoid your mother. Don’t be stuck alone with her. Keep moving, keep going. If you stop, you get caught. Her secondary is Fawn, when she can’t avoid her mom anymore. Agree. Nod. Take your lumps and move on. Fight happens rarely, and only when pushed to her limit. When she can’t run anymore, when she can’t agree convincingly enough. When she can’t be an emotionless doll, like her mom wants. Explode with anger, rage, fear. And then go right back to Fawn, because you know YOU messed up. You were out of control. Rebellious. You need to work harder. (You need to not be caught again).

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You are absolutely right and I love this!

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i miss season 1 spn. the way they made it seem like everything bad that happened in america was the result of demons and folklore n then dean would drop some bars like this. no more shows like this ever

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Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

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Watching the other site eat itself from over here is definitely a mood, but I couldn't let this exchange disappear unpreserved

Consider it my social media migration credentials