lovekuwski

[lovekuwski]

#250: I Burned Out

You may or (let’s be realistic) may not have noticed that I stopped posting long-form posts a few months ago.

What’s up? Well, I burned out. After five years of writing a post every week, enough things in my life came together that caused me to have no energy left to keep this up. I was sitting at my desk at 11 PM working on the next post one Sunday, and I couldn’t do it. I gave up and went to bed.

It was surprisingly hard to do at that moment. The habit I created over the years was so ingrained. I wanted to figure something out and get on with it regardless of the circumstances. I hated myself for not being able to follow through.

The week after, it became a little easier to go through my Sunday without writing anything. Over the next few weeks, the habit faded away. That sucks, but it was necessary to take the pressure off.

How’s it Going?

The story is pretty boring, because burnout is boring, or at least it was for me.

I kept doing things that I’m obliged to do and spent the rest of my time reading the front page of Reddit. That was pretty much the only thing I could get myself to do.

Just before it happened, I remember this feeling of intense dread from doing work I used to not mind at all. Writing and particularly publishing what I wrote became a massive chore. It was very confusing.

I looked back at days when I was able to get 10x more done and wondered what the hell happened.

I knew what I wanted to get done, but I just didn’t have the will to do it. I found it super difficult to focus or make decisions. It’s frustrating and very hard to describe.

Fortunately, it was all temporary. I would not be writing this post if I weren’t feeling a lot better. I’m doing pretty great now. I’m back working on some exciting new features for Writing Analytics.

Burnout Isn’t a Problem to Solve

To be completely honest, I don’t know what helped me get out of it. I wish I could make this post into a “5 Top Tips on Dealing with Burnout” type of listicle, but I’m not sure I even have one good piece of advice.

I didn’t slow down because I saw burnout coming. I did it because I couldn’t carry on. As I said, it’s very difficult to describe the actual feeling.

I guess I just accepted the reality of the situation. That let the pressure that I put on myself off. And then I waited.

There wasn’t any “oh, I’m not burnt out anymore” moment. Things improved over time until I was able to get excited about working on my projects again.

One thing I learned through this experience is that burnout isn’t something to be “solved.” There’s no immediate fix. You have to give yourself space and let your body recover.

What’s Next?

I’d love to keep the blog going, but I’m not sure yet what will be the best way forward. As I said, my weekly writing habit has evaporated. I will have to start over and rebuild it. Or perhaps this is an opportunity to try something new? I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve also been working on a massive new feature for Writing Analytics — perhaps the biggest update yet. I’m hoping to have it ready by NaNoWriMo this year 🤞.

Past Editions

#249: Finish More Things, July 2022

#248: Serious Procrastination, June 2022

#247: Learning How to Fail, June 2022

#246: Your Art Is Like a Journal Entry, May 2022

#245: Writing + Headspace, May 2022

[lovekuwski]

I’m gonna tell you my secret. It’s a secret that I kept to everyone, even to myself. Up until this moment, at least. It’s been shouting at the back of my mind, I don’t think I can hold it back that much longer; given the circumstances we have right now wherein we’re stuck in a place that limits all of our capabilities and have our thoughts all over the place. So, the truth is, I don’t think I’m someone.

Yes, it probably sound absurd. It probably sound ridiculous to even think about it. But that’s the truth. I don’t feel like I’m someone.

I’ve been trying. But there are things you cannot force. I don’t think I’m someone who sings well, nor someone who dance, not at my free will, no. I’m not someone who draws, nor paints. Not someone who’s athletic as well. I’ve tried, and I was hooked with playing volleyball. But then I had to get an operation for it and eventually had to stop. It frustrates me how I can finally see something where I might be good at, yet it was taken from me in a blink of an eye. I do well in school, but still I don’t even think I’m a smart student. I’m lazy at studying. I’m not even sure if I can decide what to get soon. I feel like I’m not someone who can decide on things. I can’t even live up to choose between boba tea or coffee, nor to decide whether I truly hate cheese. Because sometimes I eat food that contains it. I don’t think I’m someone who you can consider a good friend, too. I have lots of them, but I don’t think I’ve truly been a good one. I’m currently interested in writing. I love it. It makes me feel alive. I think about a lot of plots in my head, met my characters, started writing. Then sometimes I get stuck and I’m back to square one. So here I am, thinking I’m not someone. Not someone whose good at something, nor bad at it.

I really don’t think I’m someone.

[lovekuwski]

Ilang beses pa ba kitang patatawarin?

Ilang beses pa, bago ko masabing ayoko na.

Ilang beses pa ba nating uulitin?

Ilang beses pa, bago kita tuluyang bitawan talaga.

Ilang beses pa ba?

Bago ako mawala sa sarili.

Ilang beses pa?

Bago ko ipipikit ang mata,

At sasabihing tama na.

Ilang beses?

-[ Sleep deprivation of lovekuwski | 030321 ]

[lovekuwski]

I am stuck in a place I can no longer move.

I am stuck in a day where I can no longer say.

I am stuck in the night where I can no longer fight.

I am stuck in here. With someone I’m not. And it’s getting inside my head.

[lovekuwski]

The Truth Untold

Disclaimer: This is a special chapter from my SungJoy Fan Fiction on twitter. This work is fiction only and any resemblance to real life events are purely coincidental. 

-START- 

Sean took heavy steps towards the shore. Hindi niya alam kung dahil ba sa alak na nainom kaya siya nahihilo, o dahil sa sobrang kaba. Nonetheless, he slowly found his way to their meeting place. 

Jasmine was at least a meter away from him. She was sitting on the edge of the beach chair, sketching something on the sand. Likod pa lamang ng babae ang nakikita niya ngunit mas lumakas lamang ang kabog ng dibdib nito. His grip on the beer he’s holding tightened as he took a deep breath to calm himself. Sean wanted to run back and hide in the cottage where they were supposed to rest, but the thought itself was absurd. Why would he leave a girl hanging? 

Besides, he couldn’t take to lose this chance of clearing things out with her. Tama na ang pagtakbo. 

Jasmine lifted her head up when she heard Sean cleared his throat. Tipid itong ngumiti at binitiwan ang maikling stick na nilalaro kanina. Sean, on the other hand, sat on the chair that was still available; just beside Jasmine’s. 

“Hi.”.

Sean just glanced at her before putting the other bottles he brought down. Binigay niya ang isa kay Jasmine. 

They opened each bottle and stared at how the moon’s light reflected on the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing filled their silence that lasted for a minute or two. 

No, make it three...or five. 

They sat there in silence for a good ten minutes. 

It was a breather for the both of them. Somehow, the silence calmed them down and gave them enough time to compose themselves. Sean was no longer nervous and Jasmine... well, the pounding on her chest already stopped. 

“I actually recognized you right away.” The guy turned his head to look at Jasmine who broke the silence. Their eyes met right after and that made Jasmine gave up a small smile. “Nung una nating kita pagbalik ko. Sa restaurant. Nakilala talaga kita agad no’n.” Dahan-dahang tumango si Sean bago lumagok muli sa kanyang bote. 

“Alam ko,” he replied. 

Jasmine’s face heat up and the blush from it was too obvious. Umiwas ito ng tingin at pinaypayan ang sarili. Sean chuckled and chugged the whole bottle. Simot na ito at pangalawang bote niya na din ‘yon. Kailangan niya talaga ng alak para makapagsalita man lang kahit papano. 

“I was trying to cheer you up.” It was Jasmine’s turn to look at Sean. The guy was already staring at her and that had her in panic for a second. 

“Sa kasal nina Jim. I was trying to stop you from crying. Simula sa simbahan hanggang sa reception kasi, umiiyak ka na.”

Jasmine went back to that day. It was when Sean annoyed the hell out of her by teasing her every now and then. ‘Yun din yung araw na nakipagsuntukan ito kay John. Yung araw na nakita niyang magalit ng sobra ang lalaki. 

“Alam ko,” she smiled at him. 

Tumango ang lalaki at nag-iwas ng tingin. Jasmine crept a smile when the guy’s ear turned red. 

Silence filled the air again. Pareho silang tahimik, nagpapakiramdaman. Hinihintay kung sino ang unang magsasalita at maglalakas loob na buksan ang usapan na gusto nilang klaruhin. Fortunately for Sean, Jasmine took the initiative.

“Ako ba yung tinutukoy mo kanina?” Sumulyap ang lalaki sakanya bago tumitig sa dagat. Pakiramdan nito, may isang dosenang elepante ang patuloy na tumatapak sa dibdib niya.

“Ako rin ba tinutukoy mo kanina?”

“I asked you first.”

Sumandal sa upuan si Sean, pinaglalaruan ang hawak na bote ng beer. Iniisip niya kung paano ba susundan ang balak niyang sabihin. Mahigit walong taon na rin kasi. Hindi niya alam kung mahihiya ba siya, maiinis, o matatawa. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang dapat maramdaman sa oras na sabihin niya ang dahilan kung bakit sila ganito ngayon. Hindi niya alam kung handa na ba siyang sabihin.

Pero, nandito na rin naman, ‘di ba? Ilang porsyento pa ba ang tyansa na makakakuha siya muli ng ganitong pagkakataon para makausap ng masinsinan ang babae? Posibleng wala. Posibleng hindi na kailanmang muli. Kaya dapat, kinukuha na. ‘Di ba?

“Second year tayo nang mapansin kong iba na yung pagtingin ko sa’yo.” Tumingin siya sa mata ng babae. Desido na. Kukunin na.

“Last term second year pa rin nung matanggap ko. Ayoko pa kasing tanggapin nung una. Di ko pa tinatanggap sa sarili ko na gusto kita. Syempre, universal rule kasi yun ‘di ba?”

“Bawal mainlove sa tropa. Lalo na kapag bestfriend mo pa.”

Sean tried his best to avoid what he’s been feeling. He did what any other person with the same situation would do, he avoided her. Simula second term hanggang last term noong second year nila, iniwasan niya ang babae. He tried to get rid of his feelings by getting rid of her. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, especially when his bestfriend was considered a chick in their campus. He was known to be the protective type, hence the confusion of every one when guys at their campus seemed to have taken easy access in pursuing Jasmine.

Of course it was hell for him. Kaya nga napagdesisyunan niyang itigil ang kalokohan. Sino bang niloko niya? Siya lang din naman ang nagdudusa. So he came back to her, in a snap, like nothing happened. Of course he had to explain the cold shoulders he’s been giving her since the second term. Sinabi niya na lang na tinopak na naman ang sarili niya. Since then, he was transparent of how he feel for the girl. It was too obvious that guys at their school would stop trying their luck on pursuing Jasmine. Even Jasmine felt it at some point.

“Third year nung sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ipaparamdam ko na sa’yo.” He met her eyes, it was already feeling nostalgic. A lot of stuff from the past have been taken back to the shore.

“Binakuran na kita non. Di man nakaabot sa’yo pero halos lahat ng gustong sumubok, inunahan ko na. Hatid sundo na rin kita, pati allowance ko, sa’yo ko na ginagastos. Hindi ko alam kung ramdam mo, pero halos ligawan na lang kita noon eh...”

Sean glanced at the girl beside him. Nakayuko na ito at pinaglalaruan ang kamay. Tahimik lang pero ramdam mong maraming gustong sabihin, maraming gustong itanong. Kaya muling huminga ng malalim si Sean at nilabas ang lahat.

“Actually, ramdam mo naman noon pa, ‘di ba?”

Nilingon ni Sean ang babae. He pursed his lips and stared at her. Her eyes were already screaming of recognition, of familiarity, pain, and regrets. Jasmine was just staring at him, hinihintay siyang matapos. Unaware that his heart was pounding as much as her’s.

“Kaya nga nandito tayo ngayon. Kasi alam mo na noon pa.” Sean softly chuckled before drinking from his beer. “Pinakita ko naman sa’yo. Pinaramdam ko. Nagbigay ako ng motibo kasi papanindigan ko.”

“Jas, naramdaman ko rin naman yung sa’yo.”

Jasmine sat there frozen. She didn’t know what else to do but swallow the lump on her throat and stare at the man she once called her bestfriend. 

Malakas na buntong-hininga ang nilabas ni Sean at tumitig sa kawalan. 

“Kaya nung gabing ‘yon, nung gabing nalasing tayo, hinayaan ko na lang yung sarili ko.” Sean looked at Jasmine and smiled. “Nung hinalikan mo ako, hinayaan ko yung sarili ko. Kasi sabi ko noon, ‘Finally, may sign na. Finally, pwede na.’ finally, matatanong na kita,” he said while staring at her intently. 

“And I wouldn’t have expected more, you know. Kaso bigla mo sinabing mahal mo ako.” Jasmine was already wiping the tears that keeps on escaping her eyes. Tangang-tanga siya sa sarili niya. Sa sitwasyon nilang dalawa. 

“I said it back, you know? I thought that you were drunk but you still know what you were doing. Kasi hindi ka naman ganun kadaling malasing ng todo. Kaya akala ko, alam natin pareho yung ginagawa natin.” Nilingon ni Sean ang babae at ngumiti rito. 

“So I said it back. I said I loved you too.” 

Sean chuckled when Jasmine started sniffing, Binigay niya ang panyo na nasa bulsa niya. He came prepared, alam niya kasi kung gaano kaiyakin si Jasmine. She was his bestfriend afterall.

“So it was real? I wasn’t hallucinating? You actually said you loved me too?”

“I thought you knew.”

“I was drunk! How could I even affirm that what I remember that night was real? I mean, kissing you? I would definitely think I’m crazy.”

“You know I had feelings sa’yo. Jas, you know I don’t do the stuff I did to you sa ibang tao. Alam mong gusto kita noon.” 

Jasmine pouted before wiping her tears. “Ramdam ko pero hindi mo sinabi. Ano namang assurance ko na totoong gusto mo talaga ako based sa gut feeling lang? Kasalanan ko bang ayokong mag-assume agad lalo na kasi bestfriend kita?” 

Sean opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Tinitigan niya lang ang mata ng babae na ngayon ay kumikinang dahil sa mga luhang pumapatak galing dito. He wanted to wipe the tears off of her face already, but he doesn’t know why he’s so afraid to do so. Kaya muli na lamang siyang uminom sa bote niya at umiwas ng tingin. 

“Bakit hindi mo ako kinausap?” 

“Bakit hindi mo rin ako kinausap?” 

“I asked you first.”

Matagal na tumitig ang lalaki sakanya. Hinahanap ang tamang salita. Bakit nga ba hindi niya kinausap? Bakit hindi siya nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na magtanong? Kung bakit ganoon? Bakit nandun sila sa sitwasyon na ‘yun?

Kung bakit niya hinayaan na mawala sakanya ang taong mahal niya?

“Duwag ako eh.”

Sean weakly smiled before biting his lips. He almost choked on what he said, good thing he was able to stop himself.

“Pinairal ko yung pride ko, kasi natakot ako. Natakot akong magtanong sa’yo kinabukasan dahil sa nakita ko. Natakot akong tanungin kung bakit, kasi baka alam ko na pala yung sagot. Hindi ko lang gustong aminin sa sarili ko.”

“Ano ba sa tingin mo yung sagot?”

“Lasing ka lang,” he firmly said. He looked straight at her and stared at how her brows wretched with sadness in her eyes. He saw the disappointment in them that punched him right in his chest.

“Baka lasing ka lang nun. Nadala lang. Baka di mo naman talaga ako mahal...” he smiled apologetically to her. “Baka lasing ka lang.”

Muling suminghot si Jasmine at pinahid ang mga luha. Hindi niya alam kung paano kakalmahin ang sarili niya. The whole thing seemed too absurd for her. It doesn’t make sense. And they were such a fool to not make it make sense before.

“Aren’t you aware of the saying ‘Drunk thoughts are sober thoughts’?”

“If it was, why couldn’t you say it when you were sober?”

Natigilan si Jasmine sa narinig. “I didn’t want to risk our friendship.”

“So did I. That’s why I hesitated for many times whether I should tell you how I feel or not.”

Tumango si Jasmine, pilit na pinapaintindi sa sarili ang lahat ng nalaman niya ngayong gabi. Kung sana sinabi lang nila sa isa’t-isa noon, ano na kaya sila ngayon? Kung sana nagsabi sakanya si Sean, hindi niya siguro maiisipan na payagang manligaw si John sakanya.

“Sorry I let John court me the day after I kissed you.” She said after a long time of staying silent.

“Sorry I couldn’t take my courage with me and tell you I loved you.”

Sean met Jasmine’s eyes, and there, he found the peace he needed. For all the years he spent being angry at her, he can finally admit that he was more angry to himself.

And all the other questions might remain unanswered, but letting the truth out, and saying how he felt for her, was enough to make himself feel better.

He knows that the both of them might regret the decisions they made before, but he also knew that he wouldn’t change a thing.

Because he was aware that she was going away. And what he feels for her, masked up in rage and bitterness, might be the only thing that was keeping him from losing her completely.

-END-

[lovekuwski]

[lovekuwski]

A ghost has haunted your bathroom, a monster sleeps under your bed and a family of gnomes lives in your backyard. None of them are helping pay rent. A house meeting has been called.

[lovekuwski]

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big, dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around. And the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.  Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

[lovekuwski]

And I no longer want you, or him, her, them and anybody else. I no longer want to invest myself only to get my heart broken yet again. I no longer want to believe the lies you tell me so easily that it was quick to make me think it’s the truth. I no longer want to be with anyone who only wants what’s best and not up for something like taking the toll up when I want to be who I want for the day. I no longer want you, or her, or him, or any other persona that you are.

I no longer want you, or her, or him.

I no longer want to deal with you.

I no longer want to deal with everything that reminds me of you.

[lovekuwski]

Meet the Family

DISCLAIMER: This is a special chapter for my #ilrene fanfic on twitter. Might contain grammatical error and typo. 

This is fiction only. 

-START-

“Ai, ayan na ata yung bisita mo.”

Irene felt a thud on her chest when she heard what her lola mommy said. Mabilis niyang tinawag ang pinsan para palitan siya sa pagluluto at naghugas ng kamay. She tried her best to calm down even after all her insides jumped out of her body. She’s shaking for christ’s sake! Understandable rin naman kasi. It’s her first time introducing someone to her family. Almost her whole clan that is. Paano ba naman ay kulang na lang i-post ng mama niya na may nanliligaw sakanya. It’s kind of a big deal. Especially for her whose an academic freak.

Saktong natanggap niya ang mensahe ni Ilhoon na nasa labas na ito. Irene inhaled a large amount of air before exhaling. Composing herself is something she’s already an expert to yet she can’t seem to stay at ease with what’s happening or what is about to happen right now. Bahala na.

She walked herself towards their door until she stood by their gate. Her heartbeat tripled when she saw Ilhoon getting out of the car. For a moment there, she for sure held her breath. Has it really been that long since they last saw each other in person, that her heart reacts to his presence like this? She wasn’t like this before. Well, hindi naman ganun karami yung labas nila dati kung tutuusin. Kung hindi kasi busy sa pag-aaral, may kanya-kanyang lakad ang barkada. And it didn’t help that people weren’t exactly aware of what’s between the two of them. But it wasn’t the issue, never for the both of them.

She chose to blame the long period of time of not seeing each other as an excuse into why the hell her heart is beating unevenly right now.

Ilhoon took off his mask and plastered a smile on his lips. “Hey. Late na ba ako?”

Irene glanced at the hand Ilhoon offered before reaching for it. “Hi. You’re just in time.”

“Bakit ang lamig ng kamay mo? Kabado ka? Wag kang mag-alala, gusto ka na agad nila mama, promise.” Pang-aasar ni Ilhoon. Sumiring si Irene at binitiwan ang kamay ng lalaki na ikinalakas naman ng tawa ni Ilhoon.

“Biro lang eh.”

The moment both of them entered the house, their living room that was once so spacious felt so small with all the eyes (that seemed like a hyena and Irene’s not even kidding. FOR REAL!) staring at them. Being the awkward person that she is, Irene instantly tried to look for words on how to introduce Ilhoon to her family.

“Good morning po. Morning pa ba? Oo, morning pa. Good morning po! Ilhoon nga po pala.” Irene wanted to gesture a face palm right there and then. Her face is already heating up from the embarrassment and panic. Nilingon niya si Ilhoon na ngayon ay may maikling ngiti habang nakatitig sakanya. She felt his grip at the hem of her shirt. Irene hid a smile and laughed in her mind. Who’s nervous now?

After collecting enough courage, Irene pointed at Ilhoon and gave up a small smile to everyone.

“Si Ilhoon po. Manliligaw ko.”

Irene was ready. The moment the introduction started in the most awkward way possible, Irene was ready for everything to fall apart that day. Naisip niya pa nga na baka na-miss nila yung timing. Baka dapat hindi ngayong araw, baka di niya pa muna dapat pinakilala. She was already thinking of the worst case scenario.

But why the hell is ilhoon sharing a conversation with her relatives while her nephew is sitting on one of his lap? What’s shocking is him cracking jokes from time to time and them actually laughing because of it. Ganun ba talaga siya ka-funny? Pati kasi ang papa niya, tumatakas ng ngiti.

“Ate, goods na agad yan. Kanina pa natutuwa sila tito sakanya.” One of her cousin muttered while they were cleaning the table. Lumingon siya sa gawi nina Ilhoon at napangiti rin nang tumawa ito kasabay ng mga tito niya.

It was true. When they ate their lunch, the atmosphere kinda lightened up. She doesn’t know how Ilhoon managed to do that, but she’s just glad it worked out. And they ended up laughing at his jokes again.

“Yes, tita ganda. I’m actually thinking of taking up business din. Expected na rin naman ng family ko pero gusto ko rin naman po.” 

Kumunot ang noo ni Irene sa narinig. Tita ganda? kailan pa sila naging ganun ka-close ng tita niya? Pinandilatan niya ng mata si Ilhoon na malaki ang ngiti sakanya habang inaabot ang juice na nilagay niya sa harap nito. Tumabi rito si Irene nang umusog ito sa sofa.

“Tita ganda? Really? Close na kayo?” Pigil ang tawa ni Ilhoon matapos marinig ang binulong ni Irene sakanya. Pinagkibit-balikat niya lamang ito na siniringan naman ni Irene. She leaned back at the sofa and listened to the conversation of Ilhoon with her family. She crept a smile when she saw Ilhoon being comfortable around them already. Ang lakas talaga ng kumag na ‘to. 

The day passed by like that. Matapos ang kwentuhan ay nakipaglaro naman si Ilhoon sa mga bata niyang pinsan at pamangkin. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga 'to dahil ang galing umarte ng bisita nila. Acting like a shark and falling down when the kids “killed” him must be his talent. Nang dumating ang hapon ay bumida naman si Ilhoon sa mga ka-edad nila. Pati ang mga kausap na matanda kanina ay natuwa na naman sakanya. Sino ba naman ang hindi kung bigla kang mag-rap habang nag ka-karaoke? The whole house was entertained, apparently. Hinarana pa ng lalaki ang lolo’t lola ni Irene. She smiled when her family praised his voice. Ganyan din lagi ang nasa isip niya sa tuwing kinakantahan siya ni Ilhoon gabi-gabi. 

“Umiinom ka ba, iho?” Mabilis na tiningnan ni Irene ang lalaki, hinihintay ang sagot. Alanganin namang tumitig si Ilhoon sakanya at tumikhim. 

“Medyo po.” Tumawa si Irene at umiling. Tinaasan niya ng kilay si Ilhoon na ngayon ay masama na ang tingin sakanya.

“Umiinom yan, tito. Wag kang mag-alala.” She smirked. Tumikhim naman muli si Ilhoon at kinuha ang bote ng smirnoff na inalok sakanya. 

Even then, Ilhoon just finished two bottles. Sa buong oras ng inuman ay nakikipagkuwentuhan lamang ito at nakikipaglaro ng games sa mga lalaking kasama. 

“Pagod ka?” Natatawang tanong ni Irene nang makita ang mukha ni Ilhoon. Sinundan siya nito sa likod ng bahay nila. Ilhoon asked her to move even though there was a lot of chair available around them. Umiling na lang ito at umusog. Umupo si Ilhoon at sinandal ang ulo sa upuan. “Naubos ata energy ko.”

Irene laughed and tapped his thigh. “Sorry sakanila.” Tumango si Ilhoon at tumitig sakanya. “Walang sorry-sorry, nag-enjoy naman ako.” She smiled and handed out a handkerchief. “Pawis ka. Bakit ka ba kasi naka-jacket?”

“Para mas pogi datingan.” Ilhoon chuckled before sitting up and getting the handkerchief to wipe his face. “Kapagod, parang gusto ko ng hug.” 

Tinitigan siya ni Irene kaya napatigil siya sa pagpunas ng mukha at tumawa. “Joke lang.” Natigilan ulit si Ilhoon nang dahan-dahang hilahin ni Irene ang jacket niya. Ngumiti siya at tuluyang niyakap ang babae. Nagdadasal na lang talaga silang dalawa na walang lalabas bigla sa pamilya ni Irene. “I think my relatives like you.” Irene muttered while tapping Ilhoon’s back. “You think? Sayang naman rap ko kanina kung hindi.” Pareho silang natawa at bumitiw sa yakap. Ilhoon’s arms stayed behind Irene’s back, settling itself on her shoulder. “Mas nakasama ko pa ata sila ngayong araw kaysa sa’yo.” Pinaglaruan ni Ilhoon ang kamay nilang dalawa habang nakatingin dito. 

“Eh sila tita? si tito?” Ilhoon stared at Irene, “Ikaw ba?” 

Irene looked up and met his stares. She pursed her lips and took her time to answer. Ilhoon patiently waited and when Irene was about to reply, a buzz was heard from Ilhoon’s pocket. 

Mariing napapikit si Ilhoon habang natawa naman si Irene. Umayos ito ng upo at kinuha ang inumin na nasa harap nila. 

“Sungjae kapag di importante sasabihin mo papatayin kita.” She glanced at Ilhoon who’s now on the phone. It’s probably Sungjae since she heard his name. Tumaas ang kilay niya nang sumulyap si Ilhoon sakanya at tumango habang nakikinig sa phone niya. 

“Ano raw?” Ilhoon was typing on his phone before placing it on the table in front of them. “Wala. Kupal lang.” 

“Bakit?” Ilhoon pursed his lips and stared at Irene.”Nagtatanong lang silang lahat. Nakita ata sa story ko. Di ko nga gets bakit ang big deal.” Bumaba ang tingin nito sa kamay na pinaglalaruan ang hawak na telepono. Irene tilted her head and thought of something for about a minute now. 

“You can tell them.” 

Umangat ang ulo ni Ilhoon at tumaas ang kilay. He’s always been so respectful of Irene’s decision. Kaya nga noong sinabi ni Irene na ayaw niya ipasabi sa lahat, nirespeto niya agad. Noong una ay sumama ang loob niya dahil sino ba naman ang gustong itago ka, ‘di ba? But he figured that Irene wasn’t hiding him. Kasi noong nagtanong si Sungjae, pinaalam niya naman. Noong nakita sila ni Wendy, hindi niya naman tinanggi. At ngayon, pinakilala pa siya sa pamilya niya. She simply just want privacy. And Ilhoon would do anything to respect that. That’s just easy for him anyway. Mabuti na yung walang alam ang lahat kesa si Irene ang umayaw. 

“Sure ka?” Ilhoon’s chest almost jumped out when Irene nodded. It was obvious on his face kaya naman matamis na ngumiti si Irene. “Alam na nga ng pamilya ko eh. You can tell your friends.” Irene creased her brows when Ilhoon’s face looked troubled. “What’s wrong?”

“Iniisip ko lang kung paano. Buong campus ata kasi yung kaibigan ko.” Irene laughed and gestured a face palm. “Bahala ka sa buhay mo.” Kinuha nito ang cell phone at nag-online na rin. 

“Alam na ng friends mo?” Ilhoon asked. Irene glanced at him then back to her phone. “Sasabihin ko pa lang.” 

Ilhoon smiled widely before biting his lips. He wouldn’t announce it to the world, of course. A few friends would do. 

“Ngayon talaga natin sasabihin? maya na lang babe.” Ilhoon pouted when Irene just chuckled and continued typing on her phone. “Nakapag-tweet ka na nga eh.”

Irene is not really a fan of big crowds, not a people pleaser as well. Unlike Ilhoon whose given the award of congeniality of the year in their school. She knew that when she started entertaining him. She knew everyone had to know, even if they don’t need to. Kahit nga noong wala pa siyang pakialam sa lalaki, marami pa rin ang bumabati sakanya dahil kalat sa campus na siya ang crush ni Ilhoon. I mean, she built her name as well. Being the top student of their batch, and practically carrying the name of the school in every competition she’s in. Wala naman silang pinagkaiba ni Ilhoon, matalino rin naman ito at responsable, mas carefree nga lang ito kesa kay Irene. And like what she said, people pleaser. 

That’s why she didn’t give any damn when Ilhoon confessed to her. He practically confessed to everyone first before to her, kaya pinagdudahan niya ang totoong intensyon ni Ilhoon noong una dahil baka kagaya ng iba, ganda lang din ang habol nito sakanya. Sawa na siya dun, matagal na. But when she said she didn’t want anyone to know that they’re hanging out, she was surprised that Ilhoon agreed to it. Kahit sobrang daldal nito at sobrang daming kaibigan sa campus, wala siyang narinig na kalat na sa campus na nanliligaw ito sakanya. Kahit nga sa mga kaibigan niya, wala rin siyang pinagsabihan. Sungjae just realized it on his own, Ilhoon technically did not say anything. So she kept her own word and had her friends kept under the dark as well. She didn’t say anything, but she was touched with how he tried his best to pursue her with his own genuine ways. Along the way, she’s letting herself let loose whenever they talk or they hang out. Masarap pala sa pakiramdam yung ganun. 

So when her friends asked her if it’s really serious now, she already had an answer in her mind. She had the answer the whole day now, actually. When Ilhoon asked her a while ago if she likes him already, she wondered if he really didn’t notice, or he just need her words as well. In those months that he was courting her she admits that she was hesitant at first, but she learned to like him anyway. Hindi naman siya mahirap magustuhan, no wonder everyone in the campus likes him. Kahit nga yung pamilya niya, they spend a day with him and they already like him.

It’s like the universe is already telling her that it’s time. 

“Ano yung sa twitter? gusto nga ako nila tito?” Irene looked up and saw Ilhoon with his brows creased and curiosity in his eyes. Kumuha ito ng inumin at kababalik lang. 

She smiled and pretended to browse her phone. Umupo naman si Ilhoon sa tabi niya at tinitigan siya. She burst our laughing when the guy literally just stared at her. Alam niyang ayaw ni Irene na masyadong kinukulit siya. So, he just opted to wait and stare at her, huh? 

“Para kang tanga.” Irene was still laughing while hitting Ilhoon’s shoulder. 

“Ano nga? gusto ako nila tito?” Irene hid a smile and nodded while looking at her phone. She honestly can’t understand what she’s doing with it, but she needed a distraction, at least. 

Malaki ang ngiti ni Ilhoon at napa “yes” bago sumandal sa upuan. Irene stared at him while he started blabbering. 

“Sabi ko na eh. Kanina sabi ng papa mo mahirap ka raw pakisamahan tapos sabi ko hindi naman. Tapos pareho kaming natawa nung sabi ko high maintenance ka tapos umagree siya.” Napataas ang kilay ni Irene sa sinabi ni Ilhoon na siya namang ikinatawa ng lalaki at nag peace sign pa. Nagpatuloy ito sa pagsasalita.

“Pero sabi ko nga okay lang kasi lahat nga ng friends ko napakisasamahan ko ganun. Tapos nakita ko yung approval sa mata ng papa mo babe ganun halatang gusto ako di naman sa pagmamayabang.” Ilhoon chuckled while Irene just nods and listened to him.

“Yung mama mo naman alam kong gusto niya na ako nung halos maubos ko yung ulam kanina.” Malakas itong natawa nang maalala na sobrang dami niyang kinain sa tanghalian kanina. “Nga pala sabi ko kay tita kapag nagpatayo siya ng restaurant o kalinderya ako number one niyang costumer tapos hinampas ako sabi ko lang naman---”

“Gusto kita.” 

Ilhoon held his breath when he heard what Irene said. Tama ba ang narinig niya? Nilingon niya ang babae na ngayon ay malaki na ang ngiti habang pinaglalaruan ang cell phone. 

“Ha?” Ngumiti si Irene bago tuluyang hinarap si Ilhoon na ngayon ay nanlalamig na ang kamay. 

“Gusto rin kita,” she declared. Crsytal clear. Ilhoon just stared at her, unable to say anything yet. 

“Shet ang aggressive.” Was what he chose to reply when he was able to recover from the shock. Natawa na lamang si Irene dahil sa sobrang random nito. Ano pa nga ba ang aasahan niya kay Ilhoon? 

Ilhoon cleared his throat before moving closer to Irene. Tinuro niya ang sarili bago tinuro si Irene. “So... tayo na?” 

“Sa tingin mo?” Irene raised her brow. Ilhoon bit his lip and nodded, realizing the situation now. 

“Ako lang ‘to, Irene.” He teased. 

“Grabe, the audacity.” Irene replied. 

Pareho silang natawa bago tinitigan ang isa’t-isa. So, ito na ba yung moment na parang naka slow motion ang lahat? Yung ramdam mo yung paru-paro sa tiyan mo? because the both of them can attest that it’s true. 

Ilhoon suddenly hugged Irene to which the girl responded as well even though she was quite surprised for a moment there. 

“Girlfriend na kita ha?” Ilhoon confirmed while looking at her, arms encircled around her shoulder. 

“Ayaw mo ba?” Ilhoon smirked before closing his eyes and placing a soft kiss on Irene’s forehead. 

“I love you,” he could only say. Irene smiled before slapping his face softly. 

“Gabi na, umuwi ka na.” 

Malakas na natawa si Ilhoon nang mabilis na tumayo si Irene at nagsimulang maglakad. It was the first time she heard him say that in person. 

“Bebe, namumula ka!” Lumingon si Irene at sinamaan lamang siya ng tingin bago nagpatuloy maglakad papasok sa bahay nila. Natatawang umiling na lamang si Ilhoon at inayos ang lamesa bago sumunod sa girlfriend niya.

Girlfriend. Naks. He can finally say that now. 

Girlfriend niya na ang crush niya. 

-END-

[lovekuwski]

As part of the family curse, you’ve been forced to wear a ring everyday. Each day, the name of an object glows on it and you must find the object by the day’s end or die. You woke up this morning to see the name of an object that doesn’t quite yet exist.