luna-lala

[luna-lala]

:')

It was hard for me during that time too but why did no one acknowledged that?

[luna-lala]

The thought of being d**d these days often comes to mind

Last September 6, 2023, I planned something that I don't think I'll regret. I planned on scrolling around the city by myself after my first and last class for awhile before actually committing the S word. Life has been really really rough to me these days, it's hitting me hard. That even if I know I'll left my little brother behind, I can't bear to live life like this anymore. I feel like no one really cares for me (in terms of mental health part).

And tonight as I am writing these in my phone, I'm crying so hard kasi naramdaman ko na namang walang pakialam sa akin yung nanay ko. And that's like a sign for me, to take my own life. To finally get rid of the pain I've been feeling these days. It is so hard to cope up, I just wanna be lost. I wanna go far away from people that isn't really helping rn. I wanna leave without them knowing, without a single trace. I just wanna disappear.

[luna-lala]

i don't wanna talk to anyone. i wanna be lost. i am mentally lost.

[luna-lala]

is this too much self-love? too much self-care?

i don't wanna live anymore.

[luna-lala]

is it okay that i exist?

[luna-lala]

Silent yet Loud Moments

Do you ever feel like even if your surrounding's quiet, it's still noisy? I don't know if you'll get my point, I am not really fluent in english. Moving on, sometimes I have these silent moments. I'm just there sitting or laying down on bed but the thoughts are too loud.

Intrusive thoughts kumbaga. And I hate it so much, I mean who wouldn't right? One moment, I am just there peacefully eating then the next thing I know, I am tearing up. Having sudden breakdowns and panic attacks for no reason at all and it sucks. I want someone to talk to but I don't really know what to say.

Sometimes I wish I have another me, same person with same personalities. Someone like me who'll understand me even when I am silent.

[luna-lala]

Losing Friends

I have now learned the concept of life starts when you reached 18. Especially at the part where I started losing friends one by one. It was hard, I must admit. In my whole life, I never imagined myself losing my friends. I am a really friendly/approachable person so I have a lot of friends. Some of them are just casual friends, some are close friends and some are best friends. But sometimes, I can really tell if they are the kind ones or the not-so-kind ones.

Recently, when I see videos of group of friends on any social media, I ask myself, 'Wow, when will I ever experience this again?' then I get sad. But that's the reality and it is normal. We may feel like it is the end of the world when we lose friends sometimes (especially those whom we are close with) but it can also be a sign of growth. It is challenging but it can also be a start of something new for you. And I always believe when one door closes, another one opens. God made it happen for a reason.

Go cry about it but always remember to stand up for yourself at the end of the day. You only have yourself at the end of the day, anyways. The people on your life are just bonuses, I guess ><

This post is dedicated to Krystal, Jade, Alyssa, Hannah, Justine A., and Justine P.,

As I was writing this, I don't know if I already moved on from what happened. But I know, one day, I will.

[luna-lala]

I feel like giving up..again

The past few months, I’ve been up and down. And by that, I mean I don’t know how I feel. But most of the time, I feel really heavy emotions. Especially today. I’ve been cursing a lot inside my head, thinking what is really my purpose in life. Is it hard to do the bare minimum? Am I not worth of those ‘consistent’ actions? Am I a mistake? Am I not a good friend? It’s been so hard lately. I just wanna kms to stop the pain. But.. I can’t. Because who will be there for my little brother? Who will spoil him with foods and toys he wants? Who will be there when he cries? Who will be there if ever he got bullied in school? Who will be there to play with him? Who will be there to ask him if he’s okay? 

I don’t want my brother to feel that. He is still so young, I wanna see him achieve everything that he wants and deserve. My #1 reason why I still exist is him, my little brother. If it weren’t for him, I don’t exist anymore.

[luna-lala]

don’t ever beg for a friendship or relationship with anyone. if you don’t receive the same effort you give… lose that contact

Unknown (via perfectquote)

yep, makes sense now.

[luna-lala]

April 09, 2022

Most unexpected day.

I just lost a friend. Not just a friend but a close friend, a close friend whom I treated as my sister/family. It hurts a lot. Mas masakit pala talagang mawalan ng kaibigan kesa mawalan ng jowa. But atleast, the universe did me a favor. Tinanggal ng universe yung tao/mga taong di ko naman kailangan sa buhay ko. 

This is for the better though. But I still can’t accept it. 

Being finally happy sure has consequences.

I thought we could still work it out but I guess hindi na, wala na. To Jade, I genuinely wish you happiness and peace. I’ll always remember those comforting words you said to me before. Thank you, till we meet again and still hoping we could start a fresh and new friendship.

[luna-lala]

December 18, 2021

Dear Papa,

This date was the day I brought home a guy for the first time in my life. He wasn’t just a guy or a friend but someone very special to me. My boyfriend. It saddens me that you’re no longer here nung dinala ko si Jio. 

I still remember sinabi mo sa akin noon na ipakilala ko boyfriend ko o  manliligaw ko. Unfortunately, you’re no longer alive when I found the one for me. I haven’t personally introduce him to you sa puntod mo but I’ll make sure to bring him there with me. Mama’s approved naman for Jio. And I think nagkaroon na ng tiwala si mama for him. 

I’m very happy to be with him papa and I know you’re also happy for me. I just hope you’re here nang makita mo siya personally. :(

[luna-lala]

I used to be so happy and kilig whenever I listen to this song. But now.. it reminded me of those days I’m inside the bus (otw to our papa) listening to this to distract myself from the fact that my papa already died.

I still got teary-eyed listening to this.

[luna-lala]

April

It’s 03/04/2022, 1:29 in the afternoon.

I was bored and suddenly remembered I have to look up for something. I have to search for Ms. Trica Robredo’s tumblr account ‘cause I saw from twitter (I think) that she has tumblr account and there’s one section there entitled “Letters for Papa”. And since I am a curious cat and my beloved father recently died, I somehow relate with Ms. Tricia’s story. I recently finished reading it and now I miss papa even more.

What made me post this? I was inspired to do this because of Ms. Tricia. I admire her for being strong throughout the years. And it hit me. My mama is a very strong person too. She lost her husband and mother in a span of 10 months. Mama and I fight a lot. Today we’re okay and then the next day, we’re not. 

There are days I hate mama and there are days that I like her. It got worse when papa died. But actually, the whole point of this post is just me missing papa and decided to finally write blogs about him. 

I hope I could turn back time.