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Sexual Fluidity: An Exploration of Our Relationship with Sexuality</span>

Sexual Fluidity: An Exploration of Our Relationship with Sexuality

 In today's world, thriving has become more attainable with the many tools available to us compared to two decades ago. Advances in therapies and methodologies have significantly improved our ability to achieve peace within our bodies and minds, and how we relate to the external world. However, an often-overlooked component in our quest for thriving is our relationship with our sexuality. Understanding how we position our sexuality in relation to everything we do—and how little we often know about it—can profoundly affect our well-being. In most instances we are completely oblivious to the extent that we are overlooking an important pillar in which our lives could be enhanced greatly. This discussion will explore the centrality of sexuality in our personal ecosystems and emphasize the need to restructure our values around sexuality to remove emotional blockages and conditioned belief systems.

 The Ever-Present Influence of Sexuality:

 Our sexuality is ever-present in our daily interactions. We often recognize this connection when we feel good in our skin and perceive ourselves as being "in flow," attributing it to external interactions or experiences. However, beneath the surface, essential truths about our sexuality play a significant role. One such truth is that our sexuality serves as a central pillar from which we depart, not something we move towards. We depart from our sexuality.

 Using the chakra system as a reference, the first chakra, or the "Mulhadhara," is associated with the earth element, grounding, and security. If we lack security and stability within our sexuality and do not develop practices to ground ourselves in it, our overall functioning is compromised. Ignoring sexuality results in deficits that affect other areas of our lives. The remarkable thing about our sexual education is that instead of being grounded in our sexuality we skip this process and jump straight to the headspace and sex becomes a thinking process rather than a feeling process. In many instances of sexual dysfunction, we face problems with the thinking which in turn manifests into a somatic issue.

 Imagine being truly connected, appreciative, and grounded in your sexuality. How much more powerfully could you present yourself in relationships? Grounding in sexuality influences every aspect of life. So why do we avoid dedicating time to exploring this space for our well-being and deeper connections? The myriad answers can be reduced to the importance we place on it. Recognizing the transferable power, we have at our fingertips allows us to harness it for any creative endeavour. If you feel stuck at this point reading this article, I’d highly suggest exploring where you place your sexuality in your values. If you cannot see the importance that I am alluding to, this is where more exploration has to take place before going any further.

 Sexuality as a Foundational Element:

 Consider how foundational elements in our lives, such as safety, connection, autonomy, self-esteem, and self-expression, are intertwined with our sexuality. Each of these aspects contributes to our overall sense of well-being and ability to thrive, and they are deeply affected by how we relate to our sexuality.

 1. Safety:

 Basic safety is crucial for thriving. Our socialization often influences what we perceive as safe, leading us to seek familiar but potentially unhealthy relationships. This survival paradigm keeps us anchored in lower-level emotions like shame and pride. Shifting to upper-level emotions, aligned with a logical paradigm, promotes inner tranquillity and a sense of safety that is self-generated rather than outsourced. This shift is essential in our sexual experiences, which often begin as a gamble. A suggestion is to reflect on your initial sexual experiences: Did you feel safe? What factors could have enhanced your sense of safety? Were you able to speak about these experiences or discuss them with someone?

 2. Connection:

 Deep connections are based on love, empathy, respect, and understanding. While these principles are generally applied to overall well-being, they are crucial in the intimate space. Sexual relationships benefit from intimacy and social connections. Intimacy involves close emotional ties, while social connections provide a sense of belonging. How do you nurture these connections in your sexual relationships?

 3. Autonomy:

 Autonomy in sexuality refers to making informed, voluntary decisions about sexual behaviour without external pressure. It embodies the right to control one's body and make consensual choices. Here are some points to reflect on your sexual autonomy: Are your decisions free from coercion? Do you respect and maintain boundaries in your sexual relationships?

 4. Self-Esteem:

 Sexual self-esteem, or sexual self-worth, is crucial for overall self-esteem. It involves confidence in one's sexual desirability and comfort in expressing sexual desires. A positive self-perception as a sexual being enhances comfort with one's body and sexuality. Ask yourself this question about your sexual self-esteem: Do you feel confident and comfortable with your sexuality?

 5. Self-Expression:

 Sexual self-expression involves communicating and asserting one's sexuality in alignment with personal values and preferences. It involves various forms, from communication and consent to exploration and creativity. How freely do you express your sexuality? Are there internal or external obstacles inhibiting your self-expression?

 Chakras and Sexuality:

 I really appreciate the Chakra system because it represents an easily accessible way for us to visualise any blockages that we may have in the flow of our body and system. It also gives us access to exploring how our sexuality intertwines with our overall vitality and life experiences. I’d love for you to ask yourself these questions at each stage and take note of what comes up for you in the process:

 1. Base Chakra (Mulhadhara):

 - Safety and Survival: Do you feel safe or in a state of survival? How is your physical health, particularly in your legs, feet, and lower back? Do you feel emotionally stable or easily triggered?

 - Sexual Vitality: How do you rank your sexual vitality? How does your breath change when considering these questions?

 The base chakra represents our foundation in life. It grounds us and provides a sense of security in all aspects of our existence. If our sexuality is destabilized, our entire foundation is affected. We often place a lot of attention on the causes of our ailments but little do we realise they need to be reflected internally first. By reflecting on these aspects, we can reveal much about our overall well-being.

 2. Sacral Chakra (Svadhisthana):

 - Emotions and Creativity: What emotions and sensations do you hold in your lower abdomen? Do you feel freedom in expressing your sexual desires and pleasure? Do you feel in flow during intimacy, or do you experience blockages?

- Creative Expression: How does your creativity flow alongside your sexuality? Can you maintain a balance between giving and receiving pleasure, not just erotic pleasure?

 The sacral chakra influences our emotional and creative energies. It governs our ability to enjoy pleasure and express our sexuality freely. Spending some time understanding this space enhances our emotional and creative lives.

 3. Solar Plexus Chakra (Manipura):

 - Personal Power: Are you living within your personal power? Do you have a sense of autonomy in life? Do you feel capable and efficient in making independent decisions?

 - Emotional Balance: Do you live in a state of emotional balance? How do you process feelings of frustration or anger? Do they manifest constructively, or do they overwhelm you?

 The solar plexus chakra is deeply tied to self-esteem, personal power, power of will and intellect. It influences our sense of autonomy and emotional balance. It is here where we feel what living in our power means.

 4. Heart Chakra (Anahata):

 - Love and Compassion: Are you open to giving and receiving love freely? How do you relate to compassion and forgiveness? Do you extend these to yourself?

 - Quality of Relationships: What is the quality of your relationships? Do they bring you joy and fulfilment, or do you often feel drained?

 The heart chakra focuses on love and compassion. It oversees our ability to connect deeply with others and experience joy. This is also in relation to how we experience joy and love within our personal space with ourselves. Any blockage in the heart space is an opportunity to improve our relationships and emotional well-being with ourselves and others.

 5. Throat Chakra (Vishuddha):

 - Communication and Truth: Do you feel you can speak your truth openly? How does your communication reflect your inner beliefs? Are you able to express your creativity freely?

 - Consistency in Actions: Is there alignment between what you say and what you do? Are there discrepancies that need addressing?

 The throat chakra is crucial for communication and self-expression. It influences how we express our truth and creativity. Reflecting on these aspects can enhance our ability to communicate authentically.

 Embracing Sexual Fluidity:

 Sexual fluidity is not simply an aspect of sexual orientation that might shift over time. It is a dynamic force influencing every facet of our being. We fundamentally have never been taught how to fully embrace this part of ourselves, however when we do, this fluidity unlocks a more creative, responsive, and adaptive approach to life, enhancing our relationships, self-esteem, and overall happiness.

 Conclusion:

 Our chakras serve as a profound mirror to our innermost selves, revealing not just our true nature but also our approach to life. It is hugely informative when we allow it the space and time to be explored. When we fully embrace our sexual and emotional dimensions, we unlock a greater sense of authenticity and empowerment. I will always advocate that we try to make the time and space to delve into these areas, knowing that this exploration enriches every part of our existence. You will inevitably be met with doubt as to the importance of doing this but by acknowledging and embracing our sexual fluidity, I assure you that we tap into a powerful source of energy that boosts our overall vitality, sparks our creativity, and enhances our self-awareness. This journey ultimately leads to a more fulfilled and balanced life. This is a certainty!

#Sexual Fluidity #Sexuality and Well-being #Chakra System and Sexuality #Personal Growth and Sexual Health #Emotional and Sexual Wellness #Grounding and Sexuality #Exploring Sexuality #Sexual Self-Expression #Sexual Vitality #Sexual Relationships #Sexual Autonomy #Sexual Self-Esteem #Mindfulness in Sexuality #Sexual Energy #Balanced Life through Sexuality

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Exploring Intimacy: Understanding the Emotional Depth of Oral Sex Compared to Intercourse

Exploring Intimacy: Understanding the Emotional Depth of Oral Sex Compared to Intercourse

 I have had the privilege of being immersed in a community of wonderful women who are open to exploring their sexuality and psychology from all points and perspectives. Their openness is remarkable. It is from this community that a very poignant question was raised to which there wasn’t a communal answer.

 From our discussions, it got me thinking. Why do we often find oral sex more intimate than regular sex?

 I've touched on this topic before, and I want to shed some light on why this might be the case. Believe it or not, it's largely about the tongue – and not just in the way you might think.

 We quickly adapt to different tastes, smells, and sounds. This is because our tongue, which helps us taste, is closely linked to our brain. The whole process is actually pretty complex but here's a quick breakdown:

 1. Our tongue has taste receptors that pick up different flavours like sweet or sour.

 2. These receptors send messages to our brain through three main nerves.

The facial nerve handles the front part of the tongue.

The glossopharyngeal nerve is for the back part.

The Vagus nerve takes care of the area around the throat.

 3. These messages first go to the brainstem, then to a part called the thalamus.

 4. Finally, the thalamus sends these taste messages to the gustatory cortex in the brain, where we actually 'taste.'

 So, tasting is not as simple as it seems. But here's where it gets interesting. The way we taste things is processed differently in the brain compared to how we feel pleasure. They use different paths in the brain. "The human tongue is not only a principal organ for taste but also a powerful means of communication and emotional expression." - Dr. Steven N. Chillrud.

 As Sigmund Freud once said, "The mouth is the beginning of the digestive system and the first organ to derive pleasure from contact with the external world." He emphasizes the unique role of the mouth and tongue in experiencing pleasure, and this highlights the significance beyond just the sense of taste.

 Now, let's talk about pleasure. You know, that great feeling of happiness and satisfaction that we can get from relating to so many different things in the world? Well, our brain deals with pleasure differently than it does with taste. Pleasure mainly connects with the brain's reward system, which has several key parts:

 1. Nucleus Accumbens: This is like the central hub for feeling good. It plays a big part in enjoying things, encouraging behaviours that make us feel rewarded, and even in addiction. This is in part why addictions are so difficult to break out of, because the pleasure is so great!

 2. Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA): This part of the brain makes dopamine, which is super important for feeling pleasure and getting rewarded. The VTA sends dopamine all over the brain, including to the nucleus accumbens.

 3. Prefrontal Cortex: Think of this as the brain's planning centre. It's involved in making decisions, looking forward to rewards, and mixing together our emotions and thoughts. This is also a major role player in how we relate to oral sex and the feelings we hold towards it.

 4. Orbitofrontal Cortex: This area helps us judge the value of rewards and plays a role in making decisions. This is the final part in solidifying our relationship with the pleasure or disgust we may feel towards oral sex.

 While one part of the brain, the gustatory cortex, deals with taste, the parts I just mentioned are all about enjoying things. When we enjoy tasty food, these areas of the brain work together. It's not just about the flavour but the experience and relationship with the experience that counts. When we eat something we like, dopamine gets released, which reinforces the behaviour of eating yummy food. This all adds up to that overall good feeling we get. Now imagine when these feelings are connected to oral sex or sex…

 As American neuroscientist David J. Linden put it, “The sensation of pleasure is a high-level, cortical brain function. It's our brain's way of encouraging us to repeat behaviours that enhance our odds for survival.” While Dr. Kent C. Berridge states that "Pleasure is a complex emotional and neurobiological phenomenon, influenced by various sensory inputs and shaped by learning and memory."

 Okay, so we've talked about how we experience pleasure from food. But there's another player in this game: the Vagus nerve. It's also known as the tenth cranial nerve and it's got a pretty interesting role, especially in how we taste things and how our body reacts to food.

 So here's the deal:

 1. Taste Perception: The Vagus nerve helps carry taste information from the back part of our tongue and our throat. It's not the main nerve for taste (that honour goes to the facial and glossopharyngeal nerves), but it does add to the overall taste experience. Think of it like a supporting actor in a movie. It adds flavour metaphorically speaking to the whole experience.

 2. Digestive Response: This is where the Vagus nerve really shines. It links our sense of taste to our digestive system. So when you eat something delicious, the Vagus nerve gets busy. It tells your stomach to start producing digestive juices, getting everything ready for the food that's coming. This is all part of the early stage of digestion, where our body gears up to digest food.

 3. Feedback Loop: The Vagus nerve also works like a two-way street. It sends information back to the brain about how our gut is feeling. For example, it lets our brain know if we're full. This can affect how we eat in the future and what tastes we prefer. It's also sensitive to negative reactions, like if we're repulsed by something (think about a bad food experience… and bad sexual experiences). This information is all stored here and unconsciously recalled at any given moment.

 Let's circle back to our main question: why is oral sex often seen as more intimate than other kinds of sex? A big part of the answer lies in the tongue. Our tongue is not just about taste; it's also about feeling and connecting on a sensory and emotional level. This experience is super personal because everyone's taste buds are unique and have a completely different taste profile. Let’s delve deeper into this.

 Sensory Experience of the Tongue:

 Our tongue is incredibly sensitive. It's packed with nerve endings and taste receptors, making it one of the most feeling-rich parts of our body. When it comes to oral sex, the tongue is front and centre, experiencing a range of sensations in a really direct way. Think about how vividly you can imagine the taste and texture of an orange, just by remembering it. That's your brain recalling all the detailed information about tastes you've encountered before. Now, when it comes to oral sex, there's nothing else quite like it in terms of taste and texture. It's a whole new world for your taste buds, and because each person's taste is different, the experience is totally unique to them.

 As we go through life tasting different things, we build up a mental library of flavours and textures. This means we can often guess how something might taste just by looking at it. So, when we have a good experience with oral sex, it becomes a positive part of this taste memory collection. But, just like with food, a bad experience can make us hesitant to try again. It becomes a very personal thing.

 2.     Emotional Connection to Taste:

 Taste isn't just about flavour; it's deeply linked to our emotions and memories. The part of the brain that processes taste, called the gustatory cortex, is closely connected to the areas that handle our feelings and memories. This means tasting something can bring up strong emotions and even vivid memories. This connection is one of the reasons why oral sex can feel so intimate, but also dependant on our first encounter with oral sex. This can be visually, auditorily or kinaesthetically speaking… in other words, how did we hear about it first, how did we see it first and how did we feel it first.

 When we taste something during oral sex, it's not just a physical experience. It can trigger a flood of emotions and memories. If we've had negative experiences in the past, we might remember those when we're with a new partner. But it's important to remember that each person's taste is unique, like a personal flavour signature. This individuality can make the experience more intense and intimate or more intense and repulsive, as it's something that can't be shared with anyone else in quite the same way. This is also down to our preference in taste and whether we are able to work around becoming more familiar with certain tastes. I can liken this to alcohol, when we’re younger alcohol never tastes good, but at some point we’ve persisted enough to enjoy at least some of the flavour signatures.

  3.     Vulnerability and Trust:

 Oral sex involves using the tongue in a very personal way, which can make both the giver and receiver feel vulnerable. This vulnerability is actually an opportunity for sexual growth and could be a growth edge. When we feel exposed or uncertain, it's a chance to figure out what's causing these feelings. Is it about trust? Is it about past experiences? Exploring these feelings with yourself or with a partner can turn a moment of vulnerability into something more profound. As Brené Brown puts it: "Intimate behaviours, including those of a sexual nature, involve a high degree of vulnerability and trust, shaping our emotional bonding and psychological well-being."

 Working through these vulnerable feelings together can build trust and comfort. It's like taking a journey where both partners learn more about each other's boundaries, desires, and emotional triggers. This can also form part of the RDBSMA conversation that I often speak about. Ultimately, overcoming these challenges individually or together can strengthen the bond between you, making the sexual experience more intimate and fulfilling. This inevitably leads to a completely different relationship with oral sex, and your partner and your own sexuality.

 4.     Taste as a Unique Bonding Experience:

 When we share the experience of taste during oral sex, it's incredibly intimate. This is because everyone has their own unique taste and smell. Oral sex isn't just about touch; it's about taste too, making it a more complex and layered experience.

 We also have to consider how society has viewed sex and sexuality over the centuries. There's often been a sense of shame attached to these natural aspects of our lives. Now, with oral sex, we're expected to embrace these aspects fully, experiencing our partner's body in a very intimate way.

 Sigmund Freud, the famous psychoanalyst, talked about the 'Oral Stage' of development in babies. This stage, which lasts from birth to about 18 months, is all about the mouth. Babies find pleasure and interaction through activities like sucking and feeding. Freud believed this stage was crucial for our psychological development, involving trust, dependency, and comfort.

 He suggested that any unresolved issues from this Oral Stage could lead to an oral fixation in adulthood. This might show up as habits like smoking, overeating, or excessive talking. It could even lead to avoiding or rejecting certain things, like aspects of sexual activity. Freud's ideas here are really just food for thought. They can help us understand why some people might be hesitant about oral sex. It's a complex mix of personal taste, psychological development, and societal attitudes.

 5.     Cultural and Personal Perceptions:

 Our views on taste and touch, especially in an intimate setting, are heavily influenced by our culture and personal experiences. It's important to think about how our cultural background shapes our attitudes towards oral sex. For instance, in some cultures and for some individuals, the idea of tasting and being tasted during sex can be emotionally charged, often tied up with feelings of shame. Dr. Geeta Patel states, "Cultural narratives and personal experiences profoundly influence our perceptions of sexuality and intimacy, reflecting broader societal attitudes and individual psychological frameworks."

 A good example of cultural influence is how different societies view women during their menstrual cycles. In many places around the world, women are unfairly labelled as 'unclean' during this time, and any sexual activity is off-limits. If such beliefs are deeply rooted in a culture, it's worth considering how these attitudes might affect our thoughts about oral sex.

 These cultural norms and personal views can play a big role in how we perceive and engage in oral sex. It's a reminder that our sexual preferences and comfort levels are shaped not just by our individual experiences, but also by the broader cultural context we grow up in. I do feel it important that we explore and separate what are our beliefs versus what has been imposed on us. The idea of searching for our sexual truth is very important in understanding sexual freedom.

 6.     Personal Reflection on Receiving Oral Sex:

 Sometimes, if we've had a bad experience with oral sex, we might worry that our partner will feel the same way about us. This kind of thinking is like projecting our own experiences onto them. We start to worry about how we taste, look, smell, and so on. These concerns can make us really self-conscious, leading to a fear of being judged.

 This worry can get us stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, making it hard to relax and be in the moment with our partner. We end up so caught up in our own heads that we can't fully enjoy the experience or connect with them.

 It's really important to remember that everything I've talked about here is a general take on the subject. When it comes to intimacy and sexual acts, everyone's different. What feels super intimate to one person might not be the same for someone else. Taste is just one part of a big mix of things – like physical sensations, emotions, and mental states – that all play a role in how we experience intimacy. So, while these ideas can give us some insight, they're not one-size-fits-all. Intimacy is a personal thing, and it varies a lot from person to person.

 Ultimately, Esther Perel puts it plainly and clearly that "Intimacy is an individual and subjective experience, often eluding a singular definition or interpretation. It is a mosaic of physical, emotional, and cultural elements unique to each person."

 The most important thing is that you allow yourself the freedom to explore all aspects of your sexuality until you have come to a place that you are comfortable in the parameters that suit you. Learn how to communicate these and learn to enjoy playing in the space of your sexuality. There is so much to grow from in this!

  Vaya Con Dios

#Intimacy in Relationships #Psychology of Sexuality #Oral Sex Dynamics #Sensory Experience of Taste #Emotional Connection and Sex #Neurobiology of Pleasure #Sexual Communication #Freudian Psychology #Cultural Perspectives on Sexuality #Exploring Sexual Intimacy

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Do Sexual Attachment Styles Actually Exist?

Do Sexual Attachment Styles Actually Exist?

 In current psychological literature, there are no explicit theories around sexual attachment styles. There is enquiry into how attachment styles affect one’s sexuality but nothing to say what your sexual attachment style actually is.

That being said, we’re going to approach attachment styles from a sexual standpoint and help you make sense of your attachment style from a sexual point of view because sex is so important to us!

Sex is assumed to be a natural process. But for most people during their lifespan of engaging sexually, sex has come with its pleasures and pains. It is not always a pleasurable experience because for one we have never had real instruction on how to use our bodies and then we complicate things by making it more of a mind game than a bodily one. What then happens is that our body begins to store all these micro-traumas without us realising the actual impact that it has had on us mentally and physically.

Sex certainly is one of the strongest drives and motivators for people and this is further reinforced by our innate desire to connect and be in relation to people. As much as we’d like to think we can live without connecting intimately, we all desire this to a greater or lesser degree.

A further assumption is that given sex is natural, it seems that we should all know how to navigate the social/sexual ecosystem. For people with secure attachment styles, their strong emotion regulation and social perspective taking skills, combined with strong self-concepts and abilities to set boundaries, make navigating sex manageable. This ability in of itself is a wonderful goal that many of us can strive to achieve. We can make more of a concerted effort to change our sexual self-image by making this more of a central focus. However, for many people, particularly those with insecure attachment styles, navigating the social/sexual ecosystems can cause confusion, heartbreak, and pain. This often leads to further anxiety and can feed into patterns of avoidance.

Our biology will not release us from our desire and need for connecting with our sexuality. For this reason, we owe it to ourselves to learn how to navigate and negotiate the social/sexual ecosystems we find ourselves in, and this is especially necessary for people who fall into the three insecure attachment styles I will speak about.

So, for the purposes of this post I will be making reference to:

Sexually Secure Attachment

Sexually Dismissive or Sexually Avoidant Attachment

Sexually Anxious or Sexually Preoccupied Attachment

Sexually Disorganised or Sexually Fearful/Avoidant Attachment

 In order to develop better skills to navigate our sexuality we first need to understand what a Sexually Secure Attachment blueprint looks like. From here we have a reference point to address all the other Sexual Attachment Styles.

Sexually Secure Attachment:

Sexually Securely Attached people are typically raised by parents who consistently acknowledged and validated their emotional experiences and are able to do so within the sexual relationship without feeling shame or guilt. They grow up trusting in the accuracy of their own emotions and feel their sexuality is part and parcel of this ability to trust themselves. In addition, they develop a capacity for empathy and the ability to accurately read emotions in others which is a beautiful skill that translates well into the bedroom. They are able to read the emotional space sexually and connect with the other on such a profound level that they feel seen, heard and felt throughout the whole experience even well into aftercare.

The validation of the child’s emotions from a secure parent assists the child into up-regulating themselves which means making themselves happier and less distressed. This upward regulation plays a valuable part in the sexual space as the individual encountering a maybe difficult sexual experience is equipped with knowing how to hold space for themselves and their partner. They are able to self-regulate in a potentially vulnerable space and forestall the need for gratification and delay outsourcing themselves and their emotions to an external source for positive rewards. They learn how to control their emotions and are not prone to being impulsive or losing control with heightened emotions and projections. They demonstrate an emotional resiliency that provides a great deal of safety not only for themselves but for others too.

When the Sexually Securely Attached become interested in someone romantically they allow themselves to feel their strong positive emotions. There is a self-understanding that they will not allow themselves to become completely overwhelmed by these emotions, therefore being able to maintain a clear head and not lose track of themselves from the emotional overwhelm.

With this mental clarity they are able to accurately perceive the emotions and varied emotional states in others. As a result, they tend to be good judges of people motives and intentions and are often able to feel through situations and are highly attuned to their gut instinct. Their ability to navigate sexual uncertainty is very helpful in ensuring that deep connection is maintained and this limits potential ruptures in the relationship.

A key component to the Sexually Securely Attached is their ability to read peoples intentions and extend this reading to understand whether they are in a safe space emotionally and physically with their sexual partner.

Even though they may know that there is deep attraction and the other persons motives are good, the Sexually Securely Attached are comfortable in delaying gratification and are able to set and maintain strong interpersonal boundaries.

This is where they may delay having sex with a new romantic partner or existing partner until they know that there is a good chance of having a positive relationship with this person or the person is aware that sexual safety is key for intimacy to continue. They know that sex is not the finish line and are able to hold themselves buoyant until this experience is reached, with the underlying intention to create continuity.  

When we compare this way of relating with those with Insecure Sexual Attachment what we find is individuals who find the dating process immensely difficult. They find navigating the sexual space before, during and after a nightmare. So, it’s important to unpack how these patterns of relationship formation, dating and sexual intimacy may be different for each of the sexual attachment styles.

 Sexually Dismissive or Sexually Avoidant Attachment:

The impact that the Sexually Avoidant Attached have on their intimate partners is very difficult to experience as this is largely based on abandonment and projections where they appear to be emotionally detached. A common question is “how could they actually have no feelings attached to sleeping with me”.

Although they desire having a relationship that is fulfilling and deeply connected, we have to remember that this individual has usually been raised by adults who did not validate their emotions. They demonstrated overly strong boundaries around closeness and family love. They did not provide a basis for learning how to mirror emotions or the mirroring needed to develop the skills to understand others perspectives. An additional component is that they were always discouraged to express overt feelings of affection.  

There is often an additional overlap with the Sexually Avoidant and that is the perceived connection with being more narcissistic in nature due to their lack of empathy in interactions. As a result of childhood patterns these individuals may appear to be deeply romantic (love bombing) and charismatic until they realise that they may be experiencing feelings for their lover. There general demeanour is that they sweep their partner off their feet with their intensity and strong sexual experiences until the actual sexual encounter occurs.

This experience appears to be so exposing for them that they are unable to sit in the pleasure and connectedness with their new partner. They have a conflicting opinion that being in this potentially new relationship will take them away from being successful or doing the things that they want. They do not see the beauty in the very nature of relationships and how healing the process can be for them and their attachment. Ultimately, they do not see that the relationship is the “thing” that will actually set them free from the chains holding them bound to their sexual attachment.

A problem that often occurs in the sexual space is because of their intensity and whirlwind romantic attitude, they have the tendency of duping their lover into becoming sexually active too soon. At the core they have learnt how to separate their emotions from sex and they see sex as just sex and not connected with love.

Their dismissive nature is primed when sex is engaged in too early and they then create a psychological wall or dissociate from the interaction where they may be perceived as being cold and callous which usually goes hand in hand with ghosting and non-communication.

This person is then seen as the villain in the story instead of being perceived as an individual who really is terrified of being abandoned yet again. This behaviour is often not forgivable as this individual functions from a deeply wounded child position, but this does not limit them to step into a more mature adult space and learn to confront these insecurities.

Many of these individuals have learnt how to use their charisma to engage sexually with people and maintain this level of charge which invigorates them and allows them to feel connected, but subconsciously they know that they are just using sex as a band-aid to the deeper work that they need to be doing.

Many of these individuals lose interest with the idea of love and can either do one of two things. They can either maintain the sexual relationship with the individual or they may have the one-off sexual encounter and then create some form of tension to help them detach from the potential relationship.

This often leaves the lover unsure as to what they have done wrong and they are often drawn to individuals who have more of a sexually anxious style of relating. Because this individual has not found their voice in respect of expressing their emotions, they can often find themselves giving into sex and consent to sex from a sense of obligation not because they are truly attracted. They see sex as a means of a communication, but this form of communication is often misconstrued to mean something else entirely.

A helpful suggestion for this type of Dismissive Sexual Attachment is that if the individual resonates with this style of relating and wants a lasting relationship, they need to aim towards lowering their interpersonal boundaries with the view of tolerating the relationship and love first. Once they have spent time in this space, then they can move into experiencing the sexual side of the relationship. The intention is to strengthen the other ways of relating as much as they have done with the sexual side. This will harmonise the way in which they relate and build greater safety and security for both themselves and their partner.

 Sexually Anxious or Sexually Preoccupied Attachment:

The Sexually Anxiously Attached use sex for approval where they fall in love easily, fixating on the fantasy with the individual in question (fantasy bonding) but they have a deep sense of mistrust that perpetuates as the relationship develops. Unless this anxiety is understood and not triggered, there will eventually be some form of fallout in the relationship as a result of this overbearing nature.

When the development of an anxious/preoccupied attachment style��(anxious ambivalent in children) occurs, this is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern. We need to keep the word inconsistency in mind when we speak about the sexual component.

Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs. At other times, they will be mis-attuned to the child where this inconsistency might make it difficult for the child to understand what the parents’ behaviour means and what kind of response to expect in the future. The child might end up confused about his or her relationship with the caregivers, whose behaviour sends mixed signals.

Another factor that is linked to the development of an anxious ambivalent attachment style in children is the so-called “emotional hunger” of the caregivers. What is often not spoken about is the covert eroticism that takes place in this style of relating. This often presents itself as the child becoming a replacement “partner” during moments of difficulty in the adult’s relationship. In this case, the caregivers seek emotional/physical closeness with the children in order to satisfy their own needs, rather than their children’s. This is highly confusing for the child and often places them in a cycle of guilt, where they learn how to be guilted into doing things that they truly do not desire, but also learn how to use that guilt to manipulate covertly.

Such parents might appear intrusive or over-protective. They might use the child to satiate their own ‘hunger’ for love, or to present their own selves in a certain light (for example, as the perfect parent). This flags up covert narcissism in the parent as they have constructed the perfect system where the child is used as an unlimited source of love and security, yet easily available to manipulate into the necessary needs of the parent.

It should be noted that raising a child in such a manner might also be an automatic and unrealised pattern in adults who were raised in the same way. There is a large database of literature on the subject of covert narcissism and I would urge the reader to seek out books on the subject of Transactional Analysis to understand this form of dynamic in greater depth.

Caregivers, whose child develops an ambivalent attachment style, are likely to have an anxious attachment style themselves. Although this may not be about genetics, but more about the continuity of behavioural patterns throughout generations. We have to be mindful that familial analysis is a helpful tool in understanding what behaviours are being passed down to the next generation.

The Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style is generally characterised by excessive worries about how one is perceived by others triggering the Anxious component, and by an extreme desire for proximity, connection, and ‘merger’ with the attachment figure, feeding into the preoccupied part.

People with this attachment style often become obsessive and emotionally malleable in their intimate relationships, due to strong fear of rejection. Even the most insignificant sign of unavailability from the partner might lead to extreme jealousy and demonstrations of anger and distrust. 

Sexually Anxious Attached individuals also tend to feel under-appreciated or misunderstood by their lovers, or generally unsatisfied with the way they are being loved. There is a sense of general dissatisfaction due to them being fixated on the fantasy bond that they have created, rather than feeling into the realness and fallibility of the relationship and person.

Such individuals will often become clingy, needy, and dependent on the attachment figure (in this case, the lover), which – paradoxically – might put off their partners and cause even more conflicts and frustration in the relationship. When this occurs, this can be seen as a rupture, where the remedy is to often sexualise the relationship and once sex has been achieved then some sense of re-connection is achieved for both parties involved. This process softens the partners irritation with the neediness and in-turn softens the Anxiously Attached to feel a degree of emotional connection.

When the relationship ends, this is never done in a clean and healthy manner. It often leaves bitterness and resentment in the anxious individual, or alternatively they will not be able to accept the ending of the relationship and seek to continue to engage sexually for the sake of feeling some sense of connection.

The Sexual behaviours of anxious adults are deeply driven by attempts to make up for the perceived lack of love and security. We have to remember that this is a perceived lack, and not necessarily a healthy and realistic evaluation of the love and security they are receiving. So here we need to question the perception and use logical and evidence-based examples to alter the inner narrative.

Sexually Anxious Attached individuals will constantly try to satisfy their need for feeling approved, appreciated, and desired usually through sex. This is generally a sure-proof solution to create closeness when they feel destabilised and insecure in the relationship.

They are likely to fall in love easily (fantasy bonding as mentioned above), even though they rarely believe that their partners are their true love. There is a sense of “I will not find better or find the person I truly want to be with” so I might as well settle or “better the devil you know”.  This is possibly because anxiously attached individuals often expect others to be unavailable and not interested in long-term commitment. There is always a component of not feeling deserving enough or good enough, and by choosing partners who have difficulty ending relationships keep this perpetual cycle continuing forever.

Additionally, sexually anxious individuals tend to hold a generally negative perception of the sexual self, and therefore have lower self-esteem, distorted perceptions of their body and sexuality and very seldom place themselves in situations where they explore self-pleasure. They perceive themselves as unattractive and often doubt themselves inside and outside of the bedroom.

If we combine sexually anxious attached people’s negative expectations and distrust towards the partner with their worries about worth and attractiveness, we can see that this might be a recipe for bad sex. This isn’t necessarily the case as the sexually anxious will be over providing and over compensating for the fear of being abandoned. This is why the person experiencing the Sexually Anxious will either encounter someone stuck in their worry cycle and this dominates the bedroom, or they have internalised this sense of anxiety to such a degree that they encounter someone especially connected with their sexuality on the surface. They may hide behind their sexuality as a means of securing attachment with their partner.

The greater question at play here is: does the Sexually Anxious Attached experience the same amount of pleasure or any pleasure from the sexual experience as they are so invested in the other person and lose sight of themselves in the pleasure experience.

You will often hear the Sexually Anxious Attached say I prefer to be in service to my partner rather than focus on me and my pleasure. This is because there is no room for them in the bedroom and only space for their lover and their anxiety and preoccupation. They have convinced themselves that being in service is where they derive pleasure, rather than placing themselves first in the experience.

The Sexually Anxious Attached generally hold negative views around sexuality as a result of finding themselves in situations where they feel they cannot say no. They feel an obligation to please and this may often be taken advantage of. This individual may also dissociate from the sexual experience and find themselves connecting deeply in fantasy rather than reality.

There is a general consensus that the Sexually Anxious Attached engage in sexual encounters for two main reasons:

manipulation: to provoke the partner’s attentiveness, availability, and caregiving behaviours

pursuit of proximity, reassurance, and approval

 The Sexually Anxious Attached have more intimate partners (as compared to the other groups) and are prone to being unfaithful to their lovers. Deep down they are always in search for the perfect person even though they believe they will never find them.

As adolescents, these individuals consent to sexual activities in an attempt to prevent rejection and abandonment. Therefore, they are likely to agree to do things they don’t really want to do. This is a behaviour and belief system that follows many of them into adulthood.

It can also be said that the Sexually Anxious Attached have their sexuality rooted in their adolescence. In the sense that the behaviour they display in relation to using sexuality is like a child fearing abandonment and places them within the ages of 18 months to 3 years old. They then use sex to lure their lover back into the cycle and then becomes a tool they can rely on with most adults.

On the positive side, despite the likelihood of having many lovers, anxious individuals tend to remain cautious in the bedroom when it comes to using protection. They are more likely to use condoms during sex, which could be explained by their tendency to be more careful and fearful in general. Many of these individuals get labelled “the worried well”, a term that is used to describe individuals are of good health but believe they are unhealthy.

Symptoms of having a Sexually Anxious Attachment style as an adult

How to recognise a person with a Sexually Anxious Attachment style? Adults with a Sexually Anxious Attachment style might think highly of others but often suffer from low self-esteem. This is especially impactful on their body image, and sexual self-image.

These individuals are sensitive and attuned to their partners’ sexual needs, but are often insecure and anxious about their own sexual worth in a relationship.

If the loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their sexual needs, they might blame themselves or label themselves as not being worthy of love and intimacy. This can trigger the feeling and need for overcompensation until they have received the “love” they need.

Generally, adults with sexual anxious attachment need constant reassurance that they are desired, sexually loved, sexually worthy, and good enough sexually.

The strong fear of abandonment might often cause sexually anxious adults to be intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and will be looking out for any change in behaviour. This is to reinforce the belief that they are not deserving of someone who loves them and will question why their partner has chosen to be with them.

This fear might also lead them to become desperate, clingy, and preoccupied with their relationships especially sexually. Adults with a Sexually Anxious Attachment are often afraid of or even incapable of being alone.

They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs, but as soon as they are not in close proximity their sense of survival kicks in and will use any means possible (usually sexually) to achieve that level of connection and intimacy.

Having a Sexually Anxious Attachment style can be tiring because this doesn’t only remain on the level of sexuality, but infiltrates all areas of relating. It could feel like you are on an emotional roller-coaster all of the time, with the use of sex which adds to the depth of emotional manipulation and control experienced.

It might cause anxiety, stress, unhappiness, and low life satisfaction, and when attached to sex this makes the situation seem even more bleak as what often happens is that sex then becomes the only means of relating and feeling close. When it comes to adults with Sexually Anxious Attachment styles, relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’. It feels like this pendulum swings from pillar to post quite quickly.

On the one hand, the fear of being alone or being rejected is the venom – a disturbing and intolerable feeling, which leads to constant doubt and worry. On the other hand, the presence of the loved one, and more importantly, their demonstration of affection is the remedy.

If an individual has a Sexually Anxious Attachment style and wants a lasting relationship, steering their attention off the sex and focus on having fun is essential. Delay the sexual aspect with a new partner because what is trying to be understood is whether this person can reciprocate their affections. By delaying the sexual part creates a necessary barrier of safety where the typical patterns can begin to be reorganised.

 Sexually Disorganised Attachment or Sexually Fearful-Avoidant:

People who have this sexual attachment style will experience high scores on both spectrums of anxiety and avoidance. This is reinforced by the blended nature of the Anxious/Preoccupied and Avoidant/Dismissive Styles. But they also have experienced relational (if not physical or sexual) trauma. It should come as no surprise, then, that sexual experiences may evoke very strong and potentially negative emotional experiences. The unpredictability in their relational style is highly confusing and generally creates and overall instability in the individual. The same principles apply when we speak about the sexual aspects of relating for this individual.

A common example may be the exhibition of deep passion and love for someone (Love-bombing) and then almost immediately dissociate from their attachment systems during the passionate moment or love making as a result of fearing intimacy.

This is very similar to the Sexually Anxious Attached individuals, where Sexually Disorganised individuals see themselves in a very negative light with low self-esteem and believe at the core that they are not worthy of love. As a result of their inability to trust and reply on their partners, they often will pursue emotion-free and casual sex. They then expose themselves to the potential of love addition and sex addiction.

They may want strong connections and sexual experiences but there is a constant sense of ambivalence present in their way of relating. On the other hand, they may be overwhelmed by the confusion and strong emotions sex evokes. If we explore their childhood, their parents may have been “frightened or frightening,” or they may have been emotionally unresponsive to the point where they were not able to validate the child’s emotions, help them learn emotion regulation skills, set boundaries, or engage in perspective taking. As a consequence, strong relationship experiences and sex have the tendency to result in the person becoming emotionally disorganised and confused.

A suggestion to consider for the Sexually Disorganised is to take it slowly. This is a suggestion that runs through all areas of the relationship, not just on the sexual side. The goal is to allow the individual to acclimatise themselves to the flow of relating, as each turn might be a trigger for them and re-create feelings of mini-traumas. The Sexually Disorganised needs to understand that they are creating their barometer to understand how much they can tolerate and learn how to communicate with their partner where they have experienced enough sensory overload. The key is being able to express this and give voice to how they function so their partner can also allow the right type of space to explore and not feel judged or dismissed.

We have to remember that attachment styles, the same as with Sexual Attachment Styles are not fixed in nature. The more we reinforce one way of thinking and behaving will dictate how deeply we are embedding certain beliefs and behaviours in our lives. So, by being conscious of your own emotional system and learning how to regulate your emotions will lend to experiencing greater connection with a partner. This of course does take some work but it is very much worth it. We need to remember that sex does not always translate into love but most importantly we are trying to learn how to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others especially around sex and sexuality.

Our conditioning around sex and sexuality does not mean that we cannot feel and experience sexual freedom. We have a choice in unlearning bad behaviours and learning new ones.

 Vaya Con Dios

#sexual attachment style #attachment style #Sexually Secure Attachment #Sexually Dismissive or Sexually Avoidant Attachment #Sexually Anxious or Sexually Preoccupied Attachment #Sexually Disorganised or Sexually Fearful/Avoidant Attachment

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Igniting the Spark: Increasing Desire in Your Relationship

Igniting the Spark: Increasing Desire in Your Relationship

 Introduction

 Do you yearn for your relationship to once again be filled with passion and desire? Do you long for the exhilarating moments of intimacy and connection that came so easily in the beginning? In long-term partnerships, desire will inevitably ebb and flow, but that doesn't mean you can't reignite the flame that once blazed so fiercely. As Alan Watts famously said, "But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be." In this article, we will explore practical methods for boosting desire, promoting closeness, and forging passionate relationships, drawing inspiration from renowned thinkers such as David Deida, James Allen, and David Hawkins.

 Understanding the Dynamics of Desire

 As David Deida wisely observed, "Desire is energy seeking completion." Understanding the intricate nature of desire within a relationship is crucial before we look at ways to pique it. Emotional connection, physical attraction, communication, and overall relationship satisfaction are some of the aspects that affect desire. Stress, routine, and the difficulties of daily living can cause changes over time. However, you may rekindle the flame of desire and develop a deeper, more intimate connection with your partner with conscious effort and a willingness to put work into your relationship.

 Cultivating Emotional Intimacy

 In a relationship, emotional connection serves as the foundation for desire and passion. As James Allen profoundly stated, "A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life." When couples feel emotionally connected and supported, it creates an environment conducive to heightened desire and a stronger bond. Here are some ideas for increasing emotional intimacy:

 1. Open and Honest Communication: As Alan Watts emphasized, "No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now." Communicate with your partner about your feelings, desires, and worries. Make a comfortable environment for open discourse and active listening.

 2. Quality Time: As David Hawkins pointed out, "The presence of love will change us." Make time each week for meaningful talks, shared activities, and increasing your emotional connection. Embrace the power of presence and engage fully with your partner.

 3. Express Appreciation: Florence Scovel Shinn once said, "The grateful mind is constantly fixed upon the best; therefore, it tends to become the best." Thank your companion and acknowledge their efforts and characteristics. Small acts of praise can go a long way toward increasing emotional intimacy.

 Spicing Up Physical Intimacy

 In a relationship, physical closeness is a crucial component of desire. Exploring new experiences and strengthening physical connections can help to rekindle the flame between partners. David Deida reminds us, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Consider the following strategies:

 1. Engage in Novel and Exciting Activities Together: As Alan Watts suggested, "This is the real secret of life—to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now." Engage in activities that add novelty and excitement to your relationship. This could range from trying a new activity to going on new trips together.

 2. Make Sensual Touch a Priority: James Allen once said, "The body is the servant of the mind." Incorporate sensual touch into your regular encounters. To heighten anticipation and desire, hold hands, cuddle, and indulge in non-sexual physical contact. As David Deida emphasizes, "In a real relationship, your sexual essence is just as powerful outside the bedroom as it is inside."

 3. Experiment with Fantasy and Role-Play: As David Deida encourages, "Take the essence of your sexual fantasy and live it. That is your offering to your beloved." Discuss your fantasies and desires with your partner, and if both parties are comfortable, try out some role-playing. This can bring an exciting and unique element to your physical intimacy.

 Rekindling Desire Outside the Bedroom

 Desire does not exist exclusively within the four walls of the bedroom. Outside of sexual encounters, cultivating desire can have a major impact on the overall passion in your relationship. David Deida reminds us, "The way you communicate is the way you make love." Consider the following approaches:

 1. Shared Interests: As David Hawkins noted, "If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack." Find activities or interests that you and your partner enjoy and make time for them. Shared experiences and common interests deepen your bond and allow desire to blossom.

 2. Surprising and spontaneous acts of compassion: James Allen once said, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so shall he be." Surprise your partner with modest gestures or acts of kindness. Plan unexpected date evenings or surprise adventures to keep the element of surprise alive. As Allan Watts famously stated, "The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."

 3. Maintain the Flirtation: David Deida reminds us, "Your capacity to be intimate with your lover depends upon your capacity to be intimate with yourself." Flirting should not be limited to the early phases of a relationship. Even in regular situations, maintain a fun and flirtatious dynamic with your companion. It can build anticipation and sustain desire. As James Allen said, "You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you."

 FAQs about Increasing Desire in Your Relationship

 Q1: Is it usual for long-term couples to experience a decline in desire?

A1: Yes, fluctuating desire is frequent in long-term relationships. You may, however, renew the enthusiasm with effort and open communication. As David Deida suggests, "Embrace the problems that come with love."

 Q2: What if my partner has different levels of desire than I do?

A2: It's critical to have an open and honest discussion regarding desire differences. Understanding each other's requirements and reaching a compromise can help bridge the gap. As Allan Watts wisely said, "Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone."

 Q3: Is it possible to improve overall relationship pleasure by raising desire?

A3: Rekindling desire frequently leads to higher relationship satisfaction since it develops deeper emotional and physical connections between partners. As David Hawkins observed, "The highest levels of performance come to people who are centered, intuitive, creative, and reflective."

 Conclusion

 Increasing desire in your relationship involves planning, effort, and a willingness to try new ways of connecting. You may reignite the fire and establish a fulfilling, dynamic relationship by prioritizing emotional closeness, spicing up physical intimacy, and fostering desire outside of the bedroom. Remember that every relationship is different, and it may take some time to figure out what works best for you and your spouse. As David Deida reminds us, "You can open to God through sex and you can open to sex through God." Accept the journey of rediscovering desire and revel in the restored connection that results. As James Allen profoundly stated, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Embrace the power of your thoughts and intentions in manifesting the passionate relationship you desire.

#desire #increasing desire #desire in relationships

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The Bermuda triangle in families.

The Bermuda triangle in families.

 One of the most interesting terms that I’ve come by over the years of being a therapist is the term the “Bermuda triangle”. Now we all know the mythology around the Bermuda triangle and how many vessels and people have lost their lives to the area.

 Now when we speak about the Bermuda triangle in families this refers to triangulation. Triangulation in the traditional sense and according to transactional analysis refers to a psychological process where an individual avoids direct communication with another person and instead involves a third party in the interaction. Many can experience this as feeling like gaslighting and exclusion which is a very interesting tactic to destabilise and fundamentally control the third person by having them feel guilty or ashamed.

 This process can occur in a variety of ways, such as when one person seeks support or validation from a third party about a problem they are having with another person, or when a conflict arises between two people and they attempt to draw a third person into the argument to support their point of view. The traditional flow of how this works is usually one parent arming themselves with the children reinforcing their argument or creating a division or split in the parenting structure.  

 Triangulation normally creates confusion and tension in relationships, as it can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding between the parties involved. It can also prevent individuals from developing direct and honest communication skills, which can hinder the growth and development of their relationships. The communication style that stems from this triangulation is very juvenile in nature and there are often emotional wounds that are not being addressed within the family structure.

 We don’t have the luxury of choosing our families so it’s important that we spend some time in assessing the tensions and strategies and relational styles that are within the family unit.

 I don’t believe that we intentionally use these strategies to control and manipulate within the family because not all of us are narcissistic, but this ignorance has a lasting impact and this is why its necessary that some kind of self-reflection is introduced within the family to try make the necessary adjustments so these ways of relating don’t become toxic and cemented in the family unit.

 If these relational styles are not addressed, there is a great likelihood that these qualities will be passed on from the children to their children, all of which will be reinforcing the epigenetic component with the behavioural problems.

 Here are a few points that you need to consider if you find yourself within the Bermuda triangle.

 1.     Always identify whether there is a triangle of relating happening. We’ve all heard the saying “three is a crowd”, well the same applies here. The moment there is a triangle we need to recognise that one party is going to become the rescuer (traditionally), there will in effect be a victim which is reinforced by the third person. Try stay away from this dynamic.

 2.     Before entering into this type of dynamic, ask yourself “do I feel imposed upon to partake”, this is usually a good sign that you’re being positioned to take part and you’re recognising what’s happening. When you identify this, the safest means of escaping is reinforcing the boundary you’d like to have for yourself: “I love you all, but I’m not getting involved”, “You’ll all be brilliant at sorting this out”.

 3.     If hostility arises, it is still vital that you try exit the triangle, because staying in will only lead to you becoming victimised or carrying the emotional burden of the triangle.

 4.     Be mindful that the triangle always segregates the 4th person in the family. This is an interesting phenomena where the triangle will create a division in the family and within the triangle create allegiance and when necessary be against the 4th person.

 5.     You have to remember that feelings can be transferred and more often than not we believe that the feelings we are experiencing are all our own. We need to remember that we are beacons receptive to other people’s emotions and energies. Always take note that in any interaction check in with yourself first and then negotiate what feelings are yours. Then decide how you want to interact.

  Triangulation and especially the Bermuda triangle does not help any form of interaction. The only outcome is that people are destabilised and always waiting for the inevitable fall out. This style of relating reinforces anxious attached and avoidant attached people because it firstly instils comradery on the side of the triangle but then soon shifts into rejection and abandonment if participants do not conform.

 This is something that all parents should be aware of, but many parents have not been educated into understanding family therapy and will only seek out a family therapist if things really get bad, or are more than likely to send the “problem child” to see a therapist.

 It is also important to recognise that as we mature into adults these types of dynamics being so deeply engrained within the families relational style will inevitably still have things playing out. This is the now adults opportunity to change behaviour and make the necessary adjustments so that they can live a life that is well balanced and not constantly destabilised.

  Vaya Con Dios

#Family Therapy #family problems

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What to do if you’re not having sex in your relationship?

What to do if you’re not having sex in your relationship?

 Couples who don't have sex may feel like something is wrong with their relationship, but it is not uncommon for couples to experience a lack of sexual intimacy. Whether it's due to stress, busy schedules, or other factors, there are ways to address the issue and reignite the spark in your relationship. Here are some top tips for couples who don't have sex:

  1.              Communicate openly and honestly. One of the most important things you can do is to talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Be honest about your feelings and listen to your partner's perspective. It's important to remember that lack of sexual intimacy is not always a problem, but it can become one if not addressed. Lack of sexual intimacy can be caused by various factors such as physical, emotional, and psychological issues.

 2.              Set realistic expectations. It's important to remember that sex is not the only measure of a healthy relationship. A lack of sexual intimacy doesn't mean that your relationship is broken, it just means that you need to find other ways to connect with your partner. It is not necessary that you have to be sexually active every day, but it's important to understand that sexual intimacy is an important aspect of any relationship. It's important to set realistic expectations for your sexual intimacy, and not compare your relationship to others.

 3.              Make time for each other. With busy schedules and the demands of everyday life, it can be easy to neglect your relationship. Make time for each other and prioritize your relationship. It's important to make time for each other, whether it's a date night, a weekend getaway, or just a quiet evening at home. It's important to make time for each other, and not let other commitments take priority over your relationship.

 4.              Try something new. If you're feeling stuck in a rut, trying something new can be a great way to reignite the spark in your relationship. This can be anything from trying a new sexual position, to taking a class together, to going on a romantic vacation. Trying something new can bring excitement and novelty to your relationship, and help you reconnect with your partner. It's important to remember that sexual intimacy is not just about intercourse, but also about emotional and physical intimacy.

 5.              Seek professional help if needed. If you're having difficulty addressing the issue on your own, consider seeking professional help. A therapist or counsellor can help you work through any underlying issues and develop a plan for improving your relationship. Whether it's a lack of communication, trust issues, or emotional baggage, a therapist can help you work through these issues and improve your relationship. It's important to remember that seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

  6.              Identify the cause of the lack of sexual intimacy. It is important to identify the cause of the lack of sexual intimacy in order to address the issue in a more effective way. For example, if the lack of sexual intimacy is caused by physical issues such as sexual dysfunction, it's important to address this issue with a doctor. If the cause is emotional or psychological, it's important to address this issue with a therapist.

 7.              Be open to different forms of intimacy. It's important to remember that sexual intimacy is not just about intercourse, but also about emotional and physical intimacy. There are many different forms of intimacy such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling. It's important to be open to different forms of intimacy, and not focus solely on intercourse.

 8.              Address the issue in a non-confrontational way. When addressing the issue of lack of sexual intimacy, it's important to do so in a non-confrontational manner.

 9.              Talk about your sexual desires and preferences. It's important to talk about your sexual desires and preferences with your partner, and be open to discussing any concerns or issues that may be impacting your sexual intimacy. This can help you understand each other's needs and find ways to meet them.

 10.           Practice good self-care. Good self-care can help improve your overall well-being, including your sexual health. This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in regular physical activity. Self-care can also include addressing any underlying physical or mental health issues that may be impacting your sexual intimacy.

 11.           Work on building trust and intimacy. Trust and intimacy are important components of any healthy relationship, and they can also play a role in improving sexual intimacy. Work on building trust and intimacy by being open and honest with your partner, spending quality time together, and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

 12.           Be open to different forms of sexual expression. Not all couples have sex in the same way or at the same frequency. Be open to different forms of sexual expression, such as masturbation, oral sex, or other forms of non-penetrative sex.

  13.           Consider seeking help from a sex therapist. If you're still having difficulty addressing the issue on your own, consider seeking help from a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you work through any underlying issues and develop a plan for improving your sexual intimacy. They can also provide guidance on communication, sexual techniques, and other strategies to improve your sexual intimacy.

 14.           Be patient and understanding. Improving sexual intimacy can take time, and it's important to be patient and understanding with your partner. Be patient as you work through any issues and make changes to improve your sexual intimacy. Remember that it's not just about the destination, but also about the journey.

 15.           Consider the impact of medications or drugs. Some medications or drugs can have an impact on sexual function and intimacy. If you're experiencing sexual dysfunction, it's important to speak to your doctor or pharmacist to understand the potential side effects of any medications or drugs you may be taking.

 16.           Prioritise physical touch. Physical touch is an important aspect of intimacy, and it can help improve sexual intimacy. Prioritise physical touch by holding hands, hugging, cuddling, or other forms of non-sexual touch.

 17.           Make sex a priority. Making sex a priority can help improve sexual intimacy. This can include scheduling regular time for sexual activity, or making a concerted effort to improve your sexual intimacy.

 18.           Practice mindfulness and relaxation. Mindfulness and relaxation can help improve sexual intimacy by reducing stress and anxiety. This can include practices such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing.

 19.           Be open to experimentation. Be open to experimenting with different forms of sexual expression, such as role-playing, BDSM, or other forms of kink. Experimentation can help bring excitement and novelty to your sexual relationship.

 20.           Don't put pressure on yourself. It's important to remember that sexual intimacy is not a performance, and it's not necessary to put pressure on yourself or your partner to have sex or perform in a certain way.

 21.           Be patient with yourself and your partner. Improving sexual intimacy can take time, and it's important to be patient with yourself and your partner. Be patient as you work through any issues and make changes to improve your sexual intimacy.

 22.           Talk to your healthcare provider. If you're experiencing sexual dysfunction, it's important to speak to your healthcare provider. They can help identify any underlying medical conditions that may be impacting your sexual function, and provide guidance on treatment options.

 23.           Be open to different forms of sexual expression. Not all couples have sex in the same way or at the same frequency. Be open to different forms of sexual expression, such as masturbation, oral sex, or other forms of non-penetrative sex.

 24.           Remember that sex is not the only measure of a healthy relationship. A lack of sexual intimacy doesn't mean that your relationship is broken, it just means that you need to find other ways to connect with your partner. A healthy relationship is built on trust, communication, and mutual understanding.

 In conclusion, lack of sexual intimacy can be caused by a variety of factors, including physical, emotional, and psychological issues. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, set realistic expectations, make time for each other, try something new, seek professional help if needed, identify the cause of the lack of sexual intimacy, be open to different forms of intimacy, address the issue in a non-confrontational way, talk about your sexual desires and preferences, practice good self-care, work on building trust and intimacy, be open to different forms of sexual expression, consider seeking help from a sex therapist, be patient and understanding and consider the impact of medications or drugs, prioritise physical touch, make sex a priority, practice mindfulness and relaxation, be open to experimentation, don't put pressure on yourself, be patient with yourself and your partner, talk to your healthcare provider and remember that sex is not the only measure of a healthy relationship. Remember that a healthy relationship is built on trust, communication, and mutual understanding.

 Vaya Con Dios

     ¿Qué hacer si no tienes relaciones sexuales en tu relación?

 Las parejas que no tienen relaciones sexuales pueden sentir que algo va mal en su relación, pero no es raro que las parejas experimenten una falta de intimidad sexual. Tanto si se debe al estrés, a una agenda apretada o a otros factores, hay formas de abordar el problema y volver a encender la chispa en la relación. He aquí algunos consejos para las parejas que no tienen relaciones sexuales:

  1.         1. Comuníquense abierta y honestamente. Una de las cosas más importantes que puedes hacer es hablar abierta y honestamente con tu pareja sobre tus sentimientos y preocupaciones. Sea sincero sobre sus sentimientos y escuche la perspectiva de su pareja. Es importante recordar que la falta de intimidad sexual no siempre es un problema, pero puede convertirse en uno si no se aborda. La falta de intimidad sexual puede deberse a diversos factores, como problemas físicos, emocionales y psicológicos.

 2.         Establezca expectativas realistas. Es importante recordar que el sexo no es la única medida de una relación sana. La falta de intimidad sexual no significa que tu relación esté rota, sólo significa que necesitas encontrar otras formas de conectar con tu pareja. No es necesario que seas sexualmente activo todos los días, pero es importante entender que la intimidad sexual es un aspecto importante de cualquier relación. Es importante establecer expectativas realistas para tu intimidad sexual, y no comparar tu relación con otras.

 3.         Dedíquense tiempo el uno al otro. Con las agendas apretadas y las exigencias de la vida cotidiana, puede ser fácil descuidar la relación. Dedíquense tiempo el uno al otro y den prioridad a su relación. Es importante dedicarse tiempo el uno al otro, ya sea una cita nocturna, una escapada de fin de semana o simplemente una noche tranquila en casa. Es importante dedicarse tiempo el uno al otro y no dejar que otros compromisos tengan prioridad sobre vuestra relación.

 4.         Prueba algo nuevo. Si os sentís estancados en la rutina, probar algo nuevo puede ser una forma estupenda de reavivar la chispa en vuestra relación. Puede ser cualquier cosa, desde probar una nueva postura sexual hasta asistir a una clase juntos o irse de vacaciones románticas. Probar algo nuevo puede aportar emoción y novedad a su relación, y ayudarle a reconectar con su pareja. Es importante recordar que la intimidad sexual no consiste sólo en el coito, sino también en la intimidad emocional y física.

 5.         Busca ayuda profesional si es necesario. Si tiene dificultades para abordar el problema por su cuenta, considere la posibilidad de buscar ayuda profesional. Un terapeuta o consejero puede ayudarte a resolver los problemas subyacentes y a desarrollar un plan para mejorar tu relación. Ya se trate de falta de comunicación, problemas de confianza o cargas emocionales, un terapeuta puede ayudarte a resolver estos problemas y mejorar tu relación. Es importante recordar que buscar ayuda profesional no es un signo de debilidad, sino de fortaleza.

 6.         Identifique la causa de la falta de intimidad sexual. Es importante identificar la causa de la falta de intimidad sexual para abordar el problema de forma más eficaz. Por ejemplo, si la falta de intimidad sexual está causada por problemas físicos como una disfunción sexual, es importante tratar este tema con un médico. Si la causa es emocional o psicológica, es importante abordar esta cuestión con un terapeuta.

 7.         Esté abierto a diferentes formas de intimidad. Es importante recordar que la intimidad sexual no consiste sólo en el coito, sino también en la intimidad emocional y física. Hay muchas formas diferentes de intimidad, como cogerse de la mano, abrazarse, besarse y acurrucarse. Es importante estar abierto a diferentes formas de intimidad y no centrarse únicamente en el coito.

 8.         Abordar el tema sin confrontación. Al abordar el tema de la falta de intimidad sexual, es importante hacerlo de forma no conflictiva.

 9.         Habla de tus deseos y preferencias sexuales. Es importante que hables de tus deseos y preferencias sexuales con tu pareja, y que estés abierto a discutir cualquier preocupación o problema que pueda estar afectando a vuestra intimidad sexual. Esto puede ayudaros a entender las necesidades del otro y a encontrar formas de satisfacerlas.

 10.       Cuídese. Un buen cuidado personal puede ayudar a mejorar el bienestar general, incluida la salud sexual. Esto incluye dormir lo suficiente, seguir una dieta sana y practicar una actividad física regular. El autocuidado también puede incluir abordar cualquier problema subyacente de salud física o mental que pueda estar afectando a su intimidad sexual.

 11.       Trabaje para fomentar la confianza y la intimidad. La confianza y la intimidad son componentes importantes de cualquier relación sana, y también pueden desempeñar un papel en la mejora de la intimidad sexual. Trabaje en la construcción de la confianza y la intimidad siendo abierto y honesto con su pareja, pasando tiempo de calidad juntos y compartiendo sus pensamientos y sentimientos.

  12.       Esté abierto a diferentes formas de expresión sexual. No todas las parejas tienen relaciones sexuales de la misma manera o con la misma frecuencia. Esté abierto a diferentes formas de expresión sexual, como la masturbación, el sexo oral u otras formas de sexo sin penetración.

 13.       Considere la posibilidad de buscar ayuda de un terapeuta sexual. Si sigues teniendo dificultades para abordar el problema por tu cuenta, considera la posibilidad de buscar ayuda de un terapeuta sexual. Un terapeuta sexual puede ayudarte a resolver los problemas subyacentes y a desarrollar un plan para mejorar tu intimidad sexual. También pueden orientarte sobre comunicación, técnicas sexuales y otras estrategias para mejorar tu intimidad sexual.

 14.       Sea paciente y comprensivo. Mejorar la intimidad sexual puede llevar tiempo, y es importante ser paciente y comprensivo con su pareja. Sea paciente mientras resuelve cualquier problema y realiza cambios para mejorar su intimidad sexual. Recuerda que no se trata sólo del destino, sino también del viaje.

 15.       Considere el impacto de los medicamentos o drogas. Algunos medicamentos o fármacos pueden afectar a la función sexual y a la intimidad. Si experimentas disfunción sexual, es importante que hables con tu médico o farmacéutico para conocer los posibles efectos secundarios de los medicamentos o fármacos que estés tomando.

 16.       16. Dé prioridad al contacto físico. El contacto físico es un aspecto importante de la intimidad y puede ayudar a mejorar la intimidad sexual. Dé prioridad al contacto físico cogiéndose de la mano, abrazándose, acurrucándose u otras formas de contacto no sexual.

 17.       17. Haga del sexo una prioridad. Hacer del sexo una prioridad puede ayudar a mejorar la intimidad sexual. Esto puede incluir programar un tiempo regular para la actividad sexual, o hacer un esfuerzo concertado para mejorar su intimidad sexual.

 18.       18. Practique la atención plena y la relajación. La atención plena y la relajación pueden ayudar a mejorar la intimidad sexual reduciendo el estrés y la ansiedad. Esto puede incluir prácticas como la meditación, el yoga o la respiración profunda.

 19.       19. Estar abierto a la experimentación. Esté abierto a experimentar con diferentes formas de expresión sexual, como los juegos de rol, el BDSM u otras formas de perversión. La experimentación puede ayudar a traer emoción y novedad a su relación sexual.

 20.       20. No te presiones. Es importante recordar que la intimidad sexual no es una actuación, y no es necesario poner presión sobre ti mismo o tu pareja para tener relaciones sexuales o actuar de una manera determinada.

 21.       21. Tenga paciencia consigo mismo y con su pareja. Mejorar la intimidad sexual puede llevar tiempo, y es importante ser paciente con uno mismo y con la pareja. Sea paciente mientras resuelve cualquier problema y realiza cambios para mejorar su intimidad sexual.

 22.       Hable con su médico. Si tiene disfunciones sexuales, es importante que hable con su médico. Ellos pueden ayudar a identificar cualquier condición médica subyacente que pueda estar afectando a su función sexual, y proporcionar orientación sobre las opciones de tratamiento.

 23.       23. Esté abierto a diferentes formas de expresión sexual. No todas las parejas tienen relaciones sexuales de la misma manera ni con la misma frecuencia. Esté abierto a diferentes formas de expresión sexual, como la masturbación, el sexo oral u otras formas de sexo sin penetración.

 24.       Recuerde que el sexo no es la única medida de una relación sana. La falta de intimidad sexual no significa que tu relación esté rota, sólo significa que necesitas encontrar otras formas de conectar con tu pareja. Una relación sana se basa en la confianza, la comunicación y la comprensión mutua.

 En conclusión, la falta de intimidad sexual puede deberse a diversos factores, como problemas físicos, emocionales y psicológicos. Es importante comunicarse abierta y honestamente con su pareja, establecer expectativas realistas, dedicarse tiempo el uno al otro, probar algo nuevo, buscar ayuda profesional si es necesario, identificar la causa de la falta de intimidad sexual, estar abierto a diferentes formas de intimidad, abordar el problema de forma no conflictiva, hablar de sus deseos y preferencias sexuales, practicar un buen autocuidado, trabajar para fomentar la confianza y la intimidad, esté abierto a diferentes formas de expresión sexual, considere la posibilidad de buscar ayuda de un terapeuta sexual, sea paciente y comprensivo y tenga en cuenta el impacto de los medicamentos o drogas, dé prioridad al contacto físico, haga del sexo una prioridad, practique la atención plena y la relajación, esté abierto a la experimentación, no se presione, sea paciente consigo mismo y con su pareja, hable con su profesional sanitario y recuerde que el sexo no es la única medida de una relación sana. Recuerda que una relación sana se basa en la confianza, la comunicación y el entendimiento mutuo.

 Vaya Con Dios

#What to do if you’re not having sex in your relationship? #no sex #no sex in relationship #sexless relationship

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How To Navigate Friends With Benefits

How to navigate friends with benefits

 People love to connect. We are social animals and have an overriding desire to be connected with others on so many levels not just intimate ones. In most of these interactions we never truly position each other with specific questions until we are already in the cycle of relating with them. This doesn’t mean that these conversations are too late, but they are different when started once in a relational cycle.

 When it comes to friends with benefits, there is a general consensus that we all have the capacity to play in this space, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. We are all susceptible to emotions and creating emotional cords with others. This doesn’t have to be purely on the basis of a sexual encounter, but it is the depth of intimacy that we experience with the other that triggers oxytocin deep within us to connect. This hormone not only prompts us to bond, but when we add fantasy into the mix, our minds are forecasting on many wonderful future events and what is actually happening is more of an imprinting onto the fantasy than the actual reality of the situation.

 The moment we come together and connect with someone and begin to experience the relational game, we have a deep desire to deepen a bond and ultimately build a family. Most men are terrified of this reality, but because it is so deeply engrained in our genetic code even if it is through conditioning, we cannot deny that deep down inside we all want to feel a sense of belonging and connection. No one likes to remain in a state of loneliness and solitude.

 If we take the prison system into account, the worst thing that could be done to someone in prison (there are many) is place them in solitary confinement. It is the meeting of oneself, alone and not connected that has an immense ability to terrify us. But what is more apparent is that we face a dead end in isolation, we do not face growth and flow states. Instead we connect this dead end with death and ending, and we ultimately fear death because it highlights that we are not actually living.

 Now when we look at friends with benefits, you have a situation where it is our core soul desire not to live a life half lived so we want to make as many connections as possible. The feeling of falling in love is an experience that only happens once, in the same way that death only happens once. So this magical experience feeds into our existential crisis where we question ourselves constantly “is this person the one I am meant to be journeying with through life”, rather than understanding that love is meant to be experienced in depth and in so many ways not simply through the initial act of falling in love.

 When we are on the path of falling into friend with benefits, we get so deeply attached to this feeling of falling in love that it has the capacity of becoming an addiction, and there are many love addicts out there in the world. The question is whether you are able to recognise this in yourself and realise that you are connecting to the wrong feeling of love and need to dismantle this into a better understanding.

 I say dismantle, because there are many layers to this. One of the layers is the novelty of falling in love. It is a dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin cocktail and the more and more we condition our bodies to connect with this much like the swipe of a finger on a dating app we are always projecting our hopes into what will be and rest our hopes on a fantasy rather than actually understanding what it means to truly love.

 We all have a unique and personal view of what it means to love. We can read every book under the sun about our love languages and how we communicate our love, but we cannot be boxed into 5 types of love languages when we are so profound as a human race and how dare we box such a beautiful and complex emotion as love is.

 Just like speaking the same language, our language of love is filled with nuances and different dialiects and it is our sole responsibility to not only learn how to express our version of what love is and means and feels to the world, but more so to become curious as to how the other expresses, displays, emotes and is in their love.

 This brings me back to the importance of knowing how to navigate friends with benefits and there is no easy task at hand here. The problem is that this type of dynamic is that there is always someone that falls in love while the other is purely sexualising and blocking themselves from experiencing the loving feelings because they know all too well that there is nothing about this person that is prompting them to commit and meet the depth of what love truly means.

 This is a reality that everyone entering into a friends with benefits relationship needs to understand. We ned to understand that the person we are engaging with has the potential to not meet our fantasy. They have the potential to not journey with us into the depth of what love really is. They have the potential to not live up to our expectations. They have the potential to disappoint. They have the potential to hurt us because we have opened ourselves up and re potentially vulnerable to being hurt because we are not being received in the way that we want to be. They have the potential to trigger a side of us that becomes obsessive and controlling and demanding of being met with love and compassion.

 But…

 By going through an experience like this also has its benefits. What I have learnt is that when we are on the receiving end of not being received in the way that we want to in a friends with benefits relationship we get shown many parts to us which we overlook. We get shown that we are actually ready to meet our forever person. We are shown that we have a real resilience in navigating difficulties in relationships. We are shown that we want to love entirely and build with a person. We are shown huge capacity for forgiveness and acceptance even when we don’t want to. We are shown that we can accept minimal amounts of affection and love when in actual fact we deserve immensity and fullness. We are shown how our shadow side comes out to play when we are triggered by the wrong person. We are shown that the person we choose to imprint on has an immense amount of influence over our suffering, pleasure, and outlook on life.

 So the navigation part comes in 6 easy steps:

 -       Be clear on each others relationship status

-       Be crystal clear on what you desire from one another and be as specific as possible

-       Revisit where your boundaries are and always remember that a maybe is a no.

-       Have the sexual status conversation early on, you’ll thank me later.

-       Always express what the meaning will be for you by engaging in this kind of interaction

-       ALWAYS always express how you want the other to care for you once your experience is complete. Your aftercare is in your hands and just needs to be asked for.

  Vaya Con Dios

#Friends with benefits #dangers of friends with benefits #how to navigate friends with benefits #im in love with my friend #FWB

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How Can Men Recover From Sexual Shame?

How Can Men Recover From Sexual Shame?

 According to the American Psychological Association (APA, 2020) Shame is identified as a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonourable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances. While Guilt is a self-conscious emotion characterised by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule. As a rule of thumb, shame is a feeling of being judged through the eyes of others, while guilt is a self-imposed judgement or punishment.

 Shame and guilt are two self-conscious emotions commonly experienced by most individuals throughout their lives. The manifestation of these emotions can have a number of different origins but it would be safe to say that most sedimented belief systems around guilt and shame stem from our childhood experiences.

 Both guilt and shame are emotions that hold such a tight grip over how we relate in the world that many find it near impossible to let go and surrender to a healthy thinking and behaving pattern. We often learn how to feel ashamed or guilty from a young age and after a period of time both emotions become engrained in our narrative and self-talk.

 What occurs next is that we begin to associate both emotions with our self-image which is cemented further by experiences that potentially provoke both emotions to arise. Sex is Freedom The ability to have sex with a partner who is accepting of who you are and desiring to engage sexually with you is a beautiful experience and a hope of mine that any reader of this article has the opportunity to experience.

 I see sex as a means of expression. It is a moment of being completely connected to your body, and emotions and thinking all at once. It is a moment of pure surrender with another person where you can share in the delights of the other persons mind, and body and soul. It is the depth that accompanies this type of sexual expression that allows us to experience a sense of absolute freedom. If we hold the view that sex = freedom, by allowing guilt and shame to enter the bedroom we diminish the chances of experiencing freedom.

 This can lead to a number of sexual dysfunctions physically and relationally with a partner or individually. Guilt in the bedroom Guilt in the bedroom shrouds the individuals thinking with feelings of doing something wrong. If you carry thoughts of having done something wrong there is more than likely the individual will begin to overcompensate for their supposed wrong actions. This overcompensation can present itself in the form of neediness and have a consistent need for reassurance.

 This places strain on any relationship because there is a constant stop/start sensation where you have to reassure your partner that everything is fine which takes away from being present and fluid in the experience. Guilt leaves the individual with a constant sense of anxiety and this anxiety can lead to performance issues for men (Erectile Dysfunction), and potential blockages for women (Vaginismus or Dyspareunia) depending on the severity of the anxiety and guilt.

 A helpful exercise that can be practiced daily is simply trying to be present with yourself moment to moment. The intention behind such an exercise is to allow you the opportunity to be more conscious of how you are feeling and thinking in the experience you are in. This way you can navigate the urge for reassurance or the urge to connect with guilty feelings. It is through this greater awareness that you can identify when guilt comes up but equally can navigate the internal dialogue to not allow guilt to overpower you.

 Shame in the bedroom When we can cultivate a common sense in the bedroom of feeling free within our sexuality, we have begun to master a gift we all have access to. Shame is one of those potential blockages that can stop us reaching this sense of freedom and it can manifest itself in other ways too. Disgust is one of the most common sensations attached to shame and this can occur from you towards your partner, towards yourself, or towards the sexual act.

 There is a very high chance that if you are feeling disgust, there is unprocessed shame that you have not looked at. Remember that having sexual challenges or problems does not mean that you or your body are disgusting or wrong, what it does mean is that you need to debunk this narrative and create a new and healthy relationship with your sexual self. Desire and arousal problems occur internally and externally when we harbour shame.

 Often the shamed person will use the shame to diminish their desire and arousal and not allow themselves the freedom of sexual expression. This develops further into a type of castigated relationship with oneself. This pushes the individual to look for more extreme experiences to provoke desire and arousal in the body and look for abusive type relationships reinforcing the/a belief that “this is the type of relationship I deserve”.

 Speak with your partner or a professional about how this shame manifests itself in the relationship and how this impacts your desire and arousal. Creating the type of relational environment where we do not fear speaking from an emotional point of view, and do not feel it necessary to take responsibility for our partners emotion is a strong position to be in. This is where two individuals can be with each other in their individual emotional states and be present.

 There is no need to rescue or save your partner from their emotional state and this process in itself normalises the potential of shame and guilt. Another aspect of shame that needs to be touched on is the role of secrecy and deviating from telling the truth when we experience shame. Because our emotional wounds are so painful at times, when we feel shame speaking our truth becomes very difficult, but is very necessary in being able to take ownership of the shame we feel.

 So, if you notice yourself deviating and becoming very resistant to telling the truth, be mindful that there is something that you need to work on here, because unprocessed this eventually leads to communication breakdown.

 Some pointers on dealing with shame and guilt: Here are some points to consider when getting rid of shame and guilt especially in respect to allowing these useless emotions to enter the bedroom.

 • It is normal to feel guilt and shame because our society has allowed such emotions to infiltrate the manner in which we relate, and are often at times methods of control used to manipulate us into doing things we don’t want to do. This does not mean that we have to have either.

 • As an emotional baseline there is nothing wrong with knowing that you have done something wrong and feel bad for your choices. But this is respective of you being conscious of your mistake and making the relevant choices to correct and manage the relationship or pain. However, when we have guilt and shame being constantly present, this is not a “normal” baseline. This is a situation where you have more than likely learnt how to be like this. This also means that there are ways for you to unlearn this unhealthy manner of relating to your sexual self.

 • Give voice to the guilt and shame and begin understanding what each represents for you and where they potentially started becoming part of your internal dialogue and sexual self-image. Start taking more conscious time to reflect and understand the way you relate in the way you do. There is an abundance of helpful books and information that can assist on this journey of understanding yourself better so you don’t have to look very far, but you do have to make the choice and face up to these emotions.

 Your sexuality is entirely your own and it is essential to work towards feeling free in your sexual self. Our sexuality is often overlooked but central to our overall wellbeing. It is interconnected to most parts of our lives, so when you do take the leap of faith and begin working more on this, there is no doubt that you will experience a beautiful sense of tranquillity and freedom.

  Vaya Con Dios

#men and shame #sexual shame in men #male sexual shame #shame in men #shaming men #men in shame

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How to Prepare For Anal Sex: Some Pointers

What do you need to do to prepare for anal sex?

 There is a lot of preparation needed when embarking on anal sex. As a starting point before agreements and consent has been established and a “safe word” to stop when needing to stop, is the question of douching. As what comes with the territory the anus is not fundamentally designed for penetration even though we can have an anal orgasm either as a woman or a man.

 So we start with cleanliness and douche first, this will make the process a lot smoother and cleaner and more connected. Once we have that out of the way, it is always good practice to start with priming the anus or disarming the tension in the anus using our fingers to gently place pressure around the opening or rim of the anus so we are assisting the mind to connect with the feelings in the body.

 The moment we go to fast and trigger the mind to connect fear or pain with the anus being toyed with then you are going to have a greater problem in achieving full penetration with your partner. Solo play is also a great way of entering into the space because it allows you full control of what you are penetrating yourself with. The next consideration is an amazing lube!! Remember this cardinal rule… Lube lube lube.

 How can you have a conversation with your partner to make sure you're both comfortable and on the same page?

 Like every conversation around sex and sexuality, safety and trust are two components that need to be stressed at all times. The moment we do not have these components within the relationship then we run risk of hurting ourselves not only physically but psychologically and emotionally too.

 Aim to be as transparent with your partner as possible, and introduce the concept and enquire into their thoughts and opinions around anal sex. You are either going to get resistance or curiosity. In the case of resistance, explore this with them and try and understand their position before imposing your need to have anal sex. Once you have heard and understood your partners position then you can introduce the idea of your desire to try and explore the space.

 What types of lube are best? Why?

 There are many lubricants designed for anal sex as many of these have a slight numbing action which prevents the seizing up of the anus and allows for a more relaxed and fluid feel. Looking into silicone base lubricant is wonderful and there are various textures that are either thicker in feel or more smooth and silky. The best advice for lubricant is try as many as you can until you find the right one for you and your partner.

 How does lube reduce risk of injury whether you're using sex toys or human parts?

 You are fundamentally wanting to explore an area that is not self-lubricating like a vulva, and with so many nerve endings coming into one little place by using lubricant you lessen the risk of blood vessels breaking which I partly the reason why there is a higher risk for STI’s via anal sex. So reducing injury also means safe sex and safe sex is maintained when there is good hygiene, good lubrication and being protected with a condom or dental dam.

  Tips for communicating with your partner before, during, and after.

 The before is always about building trust and safety, and a simple question you can ask is: how can I help make you feel more at ease or safe in your body when you are with me? If the individual does not know how to express themselves, you can gently explore and always check in with them to ask how does that feel. When you are engaged in the during process, checking in is still important and what I’d always suggest is looking at the non-verbal cues.

 Face grimaces that are not your partners norm, or sudden movements in the body… these all need to be understood and taken care of. The after is always about after care. This can come in many forms and should also be discussed with your partner as to how they would like to be cared for.

 This could be anything from cuddles to kisses to a simple conversation or not and just holding them while they process their emotions. The key is communication. Tips to make anal sex pain-free Anal sex can be an experience with lessened pain when we make the erotic connection in our mind and with the feeling in our anus.

 A consideration to keep in mind is our partners girth and strength of erection. Always remember that when penetrating the penis needs to be as hard as a rock as there is a greater chance of hurting your partner if this is not the case. A flaccid penis will steer off the penetration and can shock your partner who is receiving it.

 This will in essence cause pain which can be reduced with a great lubricant, but it is still vital to ensure this. Taking your time is essential too. Do not rush something that can be incredibly enjoyable and also do not give into your animalistic lust and start pounding away. Take guidance from your partner and move step by step until they are conditioned to your size and movement.

 Vaya Con Dios

#anal sex #How to have anal sex

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The Etiquette Of Dating

The Etiquette Of Dating

No one likes to get rejected regardless of how hardened you are from your experiences, but this doesn't mean that we have to lose sight of being human in how we relate with others. Sometimes our hurt gets projected outwards and this is not always a reflection of who we are but more a reflection of the bitterness and pain we’re experiencing and needing some form of outlet for this energy. We need to be mindful that we are always projecting and the more conscious we can become in this process the more able we become in navigating difficult relational spaces.

I live by the philosophy of always leaving someone better off than when I met them first, so here are some key considerations to keep in mind when dating and needing to end the progression or non-progression if the resonance doesn't harmonise with you. This process is filled with lessons that are transferable to all areas of your life. I believe that having a love for dating is a great mindset to develop, because through the actual process of dating we will encounter many energies that either align or don’t align with who we are. The most important aspect to this is having the exposure to these energies and learning how to navigate this so that we become more fluid in our ability to adapt and be present in all moments in our life.

Preparation:

I believe we have to be prepared all the time. Preparation is a manner of educating yourselves into learning how to be present in the moment. The greater the preparation for anything that presents itself only allows us to reach a state of mastery and use this further away from feelings and sensations of being lost. I’d always suggest to think about what you're going to say in advance especially if you feel you may be swayed or pressurised into having another date. Someone else's eagerness does not mean you have to reciprocate. I believe many of us when wanting to end a relationship have any mints fear of hurting the other, and not want to reject them. This is with preparation time is vital especially if we feel that we have the potential to be swayed from our decision.

Say it in person:

If you feel safe, take the leap of faith and say what you need to say in person. Not only will this be helpful for the other person but also for you in confronting any anxieties that might arise. It is perfectly fine to have a fear of confrontation or meeting the person face-to-face, but what isn’t okay is avoiding this type of interaction. Each meeting needs to be an additional form of preparation where we can learn how to navigate tricky emotions not only in ourselves but being in the space while someone else is struggling.

Choose the right spot:

If you're comfortable meeting face to face choose a space that is comfortable for you both, this is not only about respecting the other but yourself too. Choosing a comfortable place allows you the added security to feel grounded to make the confrontation. Spatial awareness is something that will assist you in feeling grounded when needing to have difficult conversations.

The person who sits in the middle of a room surrounded by mini tables and chairs will no doubt have a different sense of internal energy in comparison to the person sitting with their back against a wall. This is a question of perspective, visual perspective. When we have a greater sense of vision of our surroundings, we reduce potential risk presenting itself. This allows you to have a concentrated focus on the individual in front of you, and not feel distracted by anything behind you.

Ensure your respect is maintained:

This is not only for the other but also for yourself. Respect for yourself comes in many forms, and one of these forms is trying to assert being a good person, in trying to good in the world. But the same can be said for being protective of yourself if someone is overstepping your boundaries. Always ask, am I respecting myself and the other. If not what’s going on? These enquiring questions allow us to reflect on how we are carrying ourselves. If there is a moment where you feel you are disrespecting yourself, this is the moment where we run the risk of subordinating ourselves against the other. We also run the risk of giving away our power to the other. My go to question, is assessing if I am being respectful enough to myself and to this person in front of me. If I am not, then I have to realign myself my grounding or making a decision to leave this environment.

Make a clean break:

So many of us are divided in our decisions. If you choose to end, do so and erase contact numbers and potential re-entry opportunities. Everything in life has a beginning a middle and an end. The same can be said about relationships, the only difference being the longevity. We only have a certain amount of space in our mind, heart and soul. For this reason it is essential that we are protective of the space. I do not mean defensive of the space, I mean to protect it in the most caring fashion possible. If we do not feel that this person has a space in our lives, then why are they there. I’ve spoken to many occasions about emotional coding and how this prevents us from moving into a new relationship being completely immersed. If we do not end relationships well there will always be a residue of that individual that follows us into the next.

Stick with your decision and avoid non decision:

There is nothing worse than non-decision, this just provokes anxiety in you. However when you do make the decision, really ensure that you stick to it. Going against your decision only reflects an uncertainty in yourself which potentially leads to disrespect of self. I encounter countless individuals who struggle with making decisions and sticking to them. The reason is partly due to second-guessing oneself from the backdrop of wanting to have or experience all the options, rather than focusing all one’s energy into one experience. Really try and practice this on a minuscule level and start building it into bigger decisions. The more certain you are in your decisions is only a reflection of a deeper certainty and trust within yourself. If there is anybody that needs to be trusted it is you.

Be Honest with what you feel is the most amount of detail you want to give:

Once again we fear hurting others, but we do not need to completely obliterate the other, so be reflective on yourself and think what you'd find helpful in this. This is a good starting point in learning how to be mindful of what the other needs. Always check in with the other what they might find helpful and gauge their ability to receive you. I do not believe in sharing these opinions and feelings with someone if they are not willing to receive you with compassion kindness and empathy, so this is why having a check in with that person about how they will accept or hear your authenticity is important in this process of ending.

Arguments or Protests:

This for me is a non-starter. There is nothing you need to convince the other of. It is courteous to spend the time to end well, and if this is protested against, there is nothing that needs to be justified. Be courteous back and exit kindly. We need to be very clear on this, and this also forms part of the preparation stage. We need to know where our limitations are, and accepting arguments or protest only dismantle our stability which pushes us into a position of being defensive. Defensiveness only flags up to the other that we are not ready to receive them.

Show Empathy:

We need to recognise that our communication can be violent or non-violent, this is where we need to ensure we meet the other with as much empathy as possible, equally receiving them with as much empathy as possible. This is a wonderful opportunity to practice nonviolence, and the more we become conscious of this manner of relating only adds to being very fluid in relationships.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve:

Every ending regardless of how big or small needs time to grieve. This is a healthy and kind manner of being with yourself. Do not block it away because this simply manifests into other forms of unprocessed emotions. Really allow yourself time to process and digest things, rather than avoid. It is only an avoidance that we experience emotions which feel deeply embedded in our bodies minds and souls.

Vaya Con Dios

#dating #etiquette of dating #ending relationship

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The Narcissist In My Bed

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is incredibly difficult in general to diagnose. For starters you need to have a willing participant who will accept the assessment process to fully quantify if someone is truly narcissistic in nature. Even then they are masters at deviating from truth so they will more than likely try and sway psychometric testing to suit their needs.

 If you'd like to test for yourself, here is the most commonly used psychometric test for diagnosing NPD. You might be surprised what comes up in the results section.

https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/NPI/

 I have included mine below which I myself found to be interesting. I was particularly interested in taking the time to see if the questions really fit with me, as there were many that took longer to see which fit for me now in comparison to if it was my younger self answering the questions.

   I find that I work with more and more women who find themselves in a situation where they get into bed with someone who has absolutely no respect for them and their autonomy and freedom. instead the person that lies in their bed is someone who constantly degrades, belittles and undermines any attempt to reach a sense of freedom in their mind and body. So, this person slowly but surely begins to disarm any self of personal control and creates a situation where their wellbeing is completely reliant on the judgement of the other.

 How this situation comes about is usually through sex ironically. The narcissistic individual usually has an uncanny ability to show case what great sex feels like and this becomes almost a constant during the relationship. The ability to morph into what the other believes is their ideal lover! When we receive amazing love making, we naturally become addicted to this process and especially if this is provided over a long period of time, we naturally get conditioned into thinking this is a baseline for what love making is about. So, our reliance moves away from the loving of our own body towards one where we focus purely on the sexual act and the gratification that we get from the other. We also need to take into consideration our own lack of loving ourselves as this is a massive bullseye for narcissistic predators.

 In a roundabout fashion, this is where a different type of co-dependency develops. This is why a continual sexual relationship with oneself is vital and needs to be used as a baseline to your own sexual and mental equilibrium. I believe that we entrust our sex into the space of the other, or we allow the other to enter our sacred space of sexuality, but this doesn’t mean that they have control over the sense of autonomy we feel in that space. It is a shared space where two or more conscious minds and bodies come together to share a space to reach a complete sense of freedom and bliss. It is about sharedness and being with one another, not the using of control to manipulate the other into a state of helplessness. This is why I always point out that sex is a real responsibility not only to oneself but also the other. There is no joking matter about sex even though it can be incredibly joyous, and must be immensely joyous.

 Once we have been conditioned into believing that we know what we have in the other, and we have been coerced into completely surrendering ourselves to the other, this is where there is often the text book dismantling of your trust with yourself. This is where the narcissist will make you reflect on your life and introduce feelings of shame and guilt even though there is really nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Your past experiences and choices will be used against you, almost in a fashion to taint you and maintain you being lesser than them. Be mindful of statements that arise that are used continuously. They may be seen as jokey in the beginning but the level of venom increases as time goes by.

 Once this has been established, there will be a consistent chipping away at your core (which is the trust you have in yourself and your voice) and instil their values and beliefs and warped perspective on life. This will continue to such a degree that eventually you will be the person that has adopted the narrative willingly that was ever so gently imposed onto you.

 There is something I call the narcissistic hook. This is something that occurs with all narcissistic relationships, regardless if they are familial in nature or with a romantic partner. They all use the same tactic. This is bating you in with the completely abstract and nonsensical way that they see the world. You have a natural inclination to point out the error in the manner to which they see the world because it is usually so absurd that you can’t not open it up for debate. What happens is that this will be an ongoing process until they have convinced you of the surreal nature of how they see the world.

 It’s at this point that they have penetrated the core of your belief system and can implant anything into your psyche constantly pushing you over the edge. This is where you go against yourself. You get stuck in the narrative and this narrative becomes the primary focus of yourself because you are still trying to make sense of it instead of packing your nags and placing your running shoes on and RUN!

 You have fundamentally been bated into the narcissistic trap and it will only get better when you realise that you have lost total respect for yourself and total trust in yourself to make the best decisions for yourself.

 What happens at this point is that you yourself begin to turn on yourself. You quite literally point out your neediness and regressive behaviour to the point where you start associating with flippant remarks like "you are bipolar", "you need therapy" etc...

 These are additional tactics used to push you further away from having control over your own autonomy.

 When you truly look at yourself, you will acknowledge that you are just the shell of your former self, but this doesn’t mean that all hope is lost.

 If you have at least arrived this far in the article this means you’re looking for an answer.

 I have many but for the time being, you need to ensure that you make connections with people that love you. If you have no one, start making new friends. Start building your network of people that are not associated with your partner so you are rebuilding some kind of safe space with others who relate "normally".

 It is here that you will allow yourself to reintegrate with others who can start seeing your value and this is the starting block to build your confidence and find your voice again.

 The key purpose is to create some type of separation from the dependency you have created on this individual. You will recognise that there is a definite dependency in some way shape or form on them. You need to dismantle this and recognise that the only way this will change is by introducing new experiences that have a greater emotional magnitude than what you’re experiencing. This is what I call experiential deletion and is something I teach in my Dharmaplicity programs.

 In essence, I am not suggesting you leave this individual because most if not all people you encounter will tell you this and because you have built in your mind an absolute terror of being abandoned by this person, it is more important for me to instil a sense of empowerment in you. By this I mean having more control over your own decisions and how you’re choosing to live life.

 What you will inevitably notice is that when you start implementing these strategies, the narcissist will be triggered and either become more dismissive or more aggressive. there is always a consequence to your empowering yourself so be mindful of seeing the behaviour in the narcissist.

 Another point that I have to make is this: most if not all the people stuck in this cycle of violence are wanting the love from the narcissist, so if you see some warmth and change from them when you begin to make the changes in yourself, DO NOT be fooled by their readjustment. This is only to soften you once again and then start gaslighting you.

 If I can help in anyway, please do reach out and ask anything you need. The worst thing you can do is suffer alone and the moment you start shedding light on your situation you will recognise that there are a lot of other people struggling with the same situation. So, you are not alone!!

 Vaya Con Dios

#narcissistic abuse #narcissistic #Narcissism #narcissist #healing narcissism #empath and narcissist dillemma #perverse narcissism #perverse narcissistic #help with narcissist

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Your Partner Is Your Escape

Your Partner Is Your Escape

We all go through various transitions in life. Most of which are intricately designed to test our ability to be certain in ourselves. You'll note that life is a whole process of many situations like this. The same goes without saying when it comes to our relationships we choose to journey in.

In most cases that I have worked on, and I'd definitely throw myself in the mix here are often escaping from our partner rather than identifying your partner as your escape. Whats come up for me here is a myriad of different defences which have not allowed me to understand the mechanism of getting close and experiencing depth with my partners. I can most certainly see where this has come from in my upbringing and growing up in an ecosystem that functioned the way it did. Depth was definitely not on the cards even though I craved it.

Our systems are all designed for quick fixes, from the 20 second videos to fast food to easy access pornography. The whole system conditions us to step into a fast paced, dopamine and serotonin enriched environment. Although effective in getting the “hit”, it too is very effective in helping us become more and more detached from relating well with ourselves and others in our life.

So if we are looking for something to blame we can find it. I am definitely not suggesting to blame anything except our inability to take action. It is inaction that keeps us stuck in our flawed belief systems because the one thing we avoid is experiential situations that have immense power to change our perspective on life. It is the experiential that always places our perspectives into question and ultimately lead us to experiencing a potential answer.

I have a wonderful client who always says "the grass is always greener where you water it", and she's absolutely correct. We all fall victim to distractions and these distractions prompt us to stop watering our grass and this destabilises not only the relationship we're in but also everything you have been working on within yourself to reach this state of health and tranquility.

Escapism is a great tool to avoid depth. Through escaping we are avoiding the meeting of the shadow and the light where light always triumphs. But it is in this meeting of opposites that we experience real discomfort. Most people avoid this space but life always attempts at steering us back to this place so we can familiarise ourselves with feelings of discomfort and rationalise what we really want in life.

I have learnt that there is a universal answer to this, and what we all want and crave is freedom, love, empathy, being seen, heard and felt. The problem is that many of us have not yet developed the tools to voice what we need out of fear, so it’s much easier to distract ourselves with escapism rather than stepping towards the other.

If you can relate to this, I pose these questions to you:

1. What do you have to do to see your partner as your escape?

2. Can you practice seeing escaping towards your partner as a means of facing up to your vulnerability and insecurities?

3. Can you identify how you have used escapism as a means of preventing depth? If yes, how so?

4. Can you have the conversation with your partner that you would like them to be your escape, where you relish in the entirety of them?

5. Can you see the difference between escaping from versus escaping towards?

You are escaping to your partner not running away to escape

Always remember that help is only a question away, so if you feel the need for assistance with your relationship, please reach out.

Vaya Con Dios

#Relationships #Escapism #avoidant relationships #relationship health #relationship problems #couples therapy

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Safety As A Container For Any Relationship 

Safety As A Container For Any Relationship 

  We all want to feel safe in this life, and safety can be seen as one of those aspirations that we all strive for regardless the context. We can see how this plays our even in our basic psyche when we become parents or when we have a partner. There is the general sense that we want to be carers and guardians for the people and things that we love.

 This idea of safety is deeply engrained in us and can be seen as holding a definite epigenetic component that is passed down from generation to generation. The problem with this unconscious passing down is that each generation that receives the need for safety will have a completely different interpretation of what safety actually means to them.

 My fathers interpretation of safety may have been to provide enough for his family so that we wouldn’t go without. What that means is that as long as our basic needs were met (according to his meaning) and we didn’t ask for too much past this provision then his idea and imposition of safety was met. This is where many people have a conflict in their values and the same can be said for their interpretation of what safety means.

 Whereas my interpretation of safety did not have to be monetary in nature, and instead could be more focused on emotional stability, interfamilial communication, togetherness and mutual respect. If none of these interpretations of safety were met by him due to their abstract nature or unfamiliarity there would be a massive deficit in my potential of ever feeling any degree of safety until I was emotionally equipped to provide this for myself.

 There are so many variables of how safety can both play out and be interpreted in the human mind. When we speak about safety in a couple it is essential that we understand one basic principle:

 The point of finding a partner who is a good, healthy match isn’t so you can enjoy a carefree partnership that doesn't trigger your relationship issues. The point is to find someone you feel safe enough being triggered by, so you can do the hard work of breaking unhealthy relationship patterns and facing your demons with someone who deeply loves and cares about you.

 This idea of feeling safe enough in a relationship so that we are more tolerant of being triggered by our partner is essential to the longevity of a relationship. The amount of time that is spent in the initial phases of courtship to create wonderful feelings in the other seems to be a basis for connection and relating. However the moment we feel triggered we seldom reflect on the safety we have received and instead of embracing the trigger and the discomfort that comes with it, we choose to step back into the ego space and separate ourselves from our partner.

 This in essence causes us to step away from our partner and move further away from a necessary evil in relationships… learning how to sit with the discomfort of being triggered by our partner, more often than not being a trigger with no intentionality or purpose in doing so. This being another aspect that is often overlooked.

 We need to be actively disarming our wounded and childish emotions to eventually become resilient enough that anything can be said in the relationship because the foundation of anything being said is not one of malice or wanting to hurt.

 We are so afraid of saying what we truly want, feel, and expect that stick in the peripheries of the relationship and never venture to close to the fire out of fear that we will be obliterated. This is usually a sign of co-dependency and one aspect of many that needs to be addressed in the relationship. Co-dependant relating is not helpful for either party as neither one has clarity of their emotional states and are often overridden by the neediness of the other.

 So when do you have this conversation about safety?

 The simple answer is that this needs to be revisited many times throughout a relationship. Our perspective on safety is one that will naturally change and grow throughout our lifetime. So simply put, it should be a necessary component to many conversations.

 An example of such would be:

 what can I do to ensure that you feel a greater degree of safety in our relationship?

What do I do within our relationship that makes you feel unsafe?

When you feel triggered by me, do you still feel safe?

When I am triggered by you I still feel safe because you ensure you keep doing XYZ…

 As you can see the idea of safety is a beautiful entry point to many other discussions that need to happen. But what we often do is focus our attention on the problems in the relationship, which is a dialogue that actually is anxiety provoking rather than safety creating.

 So the next time you want to address any issues with your partner ask yourself this question. What I am about to engage in with my partner is safety promoting or anxiety provoking? If it is anxiety provoking what can I do to reframe my questions and my style of relating so that I am received in a more welcoming manner.

 Vaya Con Dios

#relationship safety #safety in a relationship #unsafe #relationship health #great couples therapy #best couples therapy

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Lets Talk Kink

 Lets Talk Kink

We had the most beautiful pleasure of hosting Giap @tongsayor on our podcast where we spoke about all things conscious kink. Her story is stunning especially with regards to how she is on this journey of constant exploration within the world of sexuality and kink and it seemed her mission was really one of finding peace within herself.

So what is kink?

 Most people have a varied definition of what kink really is. My interpretation is based on kink being a noun where it is seen as a twist. So in respect to ones sexuality, it is a twist in ones sexuality. I do not see kink as a deviation or perversion even though it has been classified as such historically. The reality is that we all have kinks in one way shape or form, some hard, some soft but regardless we all have them. The more important question is whether we are willing to grow through these kinks and explore our narrative past, present and future and why we ascribe to such "twists" in our sexual makeup.

 One of the most important aspects to anything in life is our relationship with the given idea, topic, manner of being, or relational quality. This relationship will illuminate how we function in the world and how we relate to every aspect of our lives. This is a simple indicator of how deep our sexuality is and how it infiltrates almost everything. In my mind, the sexual is the spiritual, so it is in everything.

 In other words, and sexually speaking we all have some type of kink. The difference is that there are communities that hold space for these kinks to be played out and explored without judgment of feeling that there is something wrong with the thoughts and feelings that come from the experience.

 One of the most illuminating ideas around kink is the idea that most people who experience or want to experience kink have some form of past trauma that they are trying to navigate through the experience of kink. I am always sceptical to generalise a truth without the adequate research being done, but from the variety of people I have spoken with most if not all share the same experience… that kink is incredibly healing. Healing, not only from a trauma perspective in regaining control over ones life, but also from the perspective of re-sensitising the body from years and years of dissociating due to painful events.

 How does it play out?

 The beauty is that this can be answered on your own or with another or with many, the difference is that there needs to be a conscious element that is based on ones intentionality. So in other words why am I engaging in this particular kink and for what purpose and for what gain? These questions need to be answered in order to acquire depth in the task you are engaging in in, otherwise we leak too much energy, and ultimately doesn’t allow us to master any alignment in body, mind, sexuality and soul.

 This process can be as simple as playing with rope and tying yourself so as to understand the feeling that comes from rope against bare skin, leading all the way to being hung by a professional shibari practitioner. The beauty is that the exploration is endless, but it is good practice to try and become as authentic to your intention as possible right from the beginning to avoid any Stuckness within the ego process.

 Why do we need it?

 Life is in equal measure good and bad, pleasurable and painful, light and dark etc etc. The essence to this is that we have to be able to know the landscape of the pain in order to know true pleasure. There is mutual understanding with one and the other which leads to a true knowing, especially where ones limitations lie in each. The harmonising process is beautiful when it is unfolding. Each individuals balance is entirely different and this is what makes kink so unique. No two people are the same, but yet there are many cross overs and many conscious people we can cross paths with and learn how to truly play as adults. We ultimately need it because it allows us to harmonise emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually. It is one of the many kink experiences that places us within our body and taps into the rawness of the emotion that is very often overlooked. In a safe place this can be incredibly healing. It can be incredibly cathartic and allow for all sorts of aha moments to arise for us. For me it is a platform of discovery that has no bounds unless you place them there.

 Can it be healing?

 Like anything, mindset is very important here. Me tattooing myself is an immensely healing process because I get to push my body to the limits of its pain threshold consciously being aware of when I cannot take any more. This leads me to a type of bodily shock where my body begins to shiver uncontrollably telling me its had enough. I truly appreciate this process because it has changed my perspective on pain. It places me so deep within my body that I am completely aligned in those moments of experiencing immense amounts of pain for hours on end. There is something to be said about experiences that press us to surrender to either pain or pleasure. Both of which require a surrender of sorts. Both of which are more conscious and in the mind than in the body. It is the mind that battles the body whereas the body is the one craving surrender. By placing yourself through such experiences allows us to rescript our narrative around pain and pleasure. We become the masters of how this looks and also equips us with not only a different mindset on how to deal with pain, but a resilience that is second to none.

 Can it be damaging?

 Once again, like anything, too much of something can always be damaging in nature. My primary concern is that this play is done consciously. Knowing where one places their boundaries or even communicates their lack of boundaries in a safe environment allows for all parties involved to know what and what not needs to be managed. This is vital in knowing how to say no, equally vital in knowing how to say yes at the right time. The damage only comes in when you have inexperience and unclear boundaries. This too comes with practice but it is also about never getting too ahead of yourself. Remain humble. Remain vigilant and trust your mind and body and how they are communicating to you at all times.

 How do we get into it

 Explore the subject as much as possible with yourself and slowly begin to place the intention out in the world. See how you can be curious with this beautiful space and try and meet like minded individuals who are willing and open to explore in safe and consensual spaces. Consent is vital. Without it will only lead to mistrust and potential trauma. We can all get triggered with the most random of stuff, which makes it even more important to be as transparent as we can be. What feels good, what feels bad, knowing how to say no, knowing how to say yes.

  Go play

 Vaya Con Dios

#kink #fetlife #fetish life #what is kink #kinky #am i kinky #how to be kinky #is kink safe

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Fluffy Pyjamas: Turn on or Turn off

Fluffy Pyjamas: Turn on or Turn off

I love hosting a men's group. In many ways I wish I had started this process years ago, not only because it is such a healing space for the men involved, but for me too. I've come to truly understand the importance of being in a masculine space with men who are evolving, holding each-other accountable and trying to be as authentic as we can be regardless of how painful the disclosure can be.

 My speciality being relationships, sexuality and couples always raises some interesting questions and reflections. One of which was the topic of fluffy pyjamas. I giggle because the visual for men and women is something important and the association we make with our partner wearing fluffy pyjamas is not necessarily one that brings with it a heightened level of sexuality or one where it is aimed at enticing us to engage sexually.

 While listening and reflecting on myself, I have to admit that I have always been curious with the naked form so being naked is a real love of mine. The embracing of ones nudity is really a reflection of my belief that we are all naked behind our clothes and we are always meeting someone else's sex before anything, so what difference do clothes have on stimulating ones sexual appetite.

 The visuals we desire in our partner fall into the fetish space, where fetish is seen as "a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc". This is where many of us loose ourselves in being too focused on the gratification we crave from the arousal that is triggered in us when we take in our fetish. So if we haven't been triggered or stimulated by that particular fetish then we detach ourselves from the eroticisation of our partner and numb out.

 What if I said to you that you could be in a constant state of arousal if you wanted to?

 This probably wouldn’t make a lot of sense to many people especially when you bring in concepts like crygasms. What I mean here is that the individual completely breaks down into tears after having had an orgasm. The initial response of most is I don’t want my partner to be crying during their orgasm, because we associate crying with pain rather than joy.

 This once scenario could literally trigger an emotional shutting down in the other when this is experienced. But lets say that every single time you have sex with your partner you are met with the same crygasms. Can you eroticise this experience to such an extent that it actually arouses you more during the experience so crying is not seen as a numbing out process but instead one of eroticism?

 There are so many examples of how we can condition ourselves into a state of arousal but this does take a bit of work. When you're thinking about your partner in fluffy pyjamas, are you now seeing just the fluffy pyjamas or are you seeing the naked person behind the fluffy pyjamas?

 The eroticisation of the individual is where the sweet spot is. The essence of the person needs to be the driving force behind stimulating your arousal and one step even before this is that we need to be in charge of our arousal and ensure that this is not so cemented into one means of arousal. We need to learn how to be sexually fluid in how we are aroused.

 I always steer my clients to read erotic literature. We constantly condition the visual, but yet we fail at conditioning the auditory and kinaesthetic components to our receptivity in the world. It seems that the visual leads to the kinaesthetic, rather than shutting our eyes and experiencing the kinaesthetic on its own, this is why we can become so dependant on physical sensation to arouse us. When we read erotic literature, yes you're reading, but read it out loud and stimulate the auditory in the same way your auditory would be stimulated if you were having a naughty conversation over the phone.

 It was an amazing time growing up without mobile phones, where we had to get creative and have phone sex, or find other means of experiencing arousal. In many respects imagination was probably one of the most important methodologies in sparking arousal because we had to fantasise and dream about the other person and how we were going to actually experience intimacy. So in other words imagination is central in evoking an arousal response of which we can direct and apply to our partner or simply use the beautiful energy that comes from arousal to steer it into a creative space. This chargedness is readily abundant but we need to learn how to harness this as part of our skillset.

 So my challenge to everyone is this: truly observe where you place yourself in the categories of visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. Understand that an over familiarity with one will potentially lead to a deficit in the other, whereby we should be aiming for more of a healthy balance between all three positions, or refining it such an extent that all three have equal value in our arousal process.

 Not only does this help in creating sexual experiences when for many fluffy pyjamas would just be a deterrent, but instead being able to look past the exterior and be truly aroused by our partner so that the place for fluffy pyjamas is on the floor while you're enjoying the lusciousness of the nakedness of your partner dancing in the most beautiful act.

#relationship goals #relationship problems #relationship betterment #relationship success #relationship freedom

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Searching For Daddy 

Searching for daddy 

  It seems that men are the root of it all. The convoluted nature of this statement can be taken in so many different ways and men are often portrayed as the evil doers because for one simple reason is that we have a massive impact on the world. In my opinion the world is at a total loss without women, but the more I research and enquire into men and the importance of men, we too are important and our power and impact on others cannot be overlooked, not even for one second.

 I once watched a movie called "the last man on planet earth", and in a nutshell it focuses on a future time when men have quite clearly eradicated themselves due to the wars that they have created. This female only utopia focuses in on a scientist who illegally bioengineers a man and has to deal with the consequences that come with her desire for his creation. This movie was low budget yes, but the premise that as men we have the potential to completely annihilate ourselves or make the necessary changes to grow and expand ourselves so that we have a different type of impact on the world.

 Its quite interesting for me because I watched this movie when I was 17 years old and it has had a lasting impact on me to this day. Completely oblivious to the actual message it was pressing across to me, but now verging on 40 my mindset has changed completely in comparison to my younger self.

 The title of this article is called "searching for daddy", and in the world that I work, daddy issues are synonymously connected with women (it would appear the mainstream narrative is such), but I would beg to differ. It seems that the majority of us have daddy issues and this once again highlights the real impact that men have on both men and women.

 So what If we do have daddy issues… what does it all mean?

 Well the traditional analysis of this is that most women seek out a man who may represent their father or provide aspects that were missing for them during their childhood. The same can be said for men where we search for father figures who can mentor us and guide us through life's difficulties. There seems to be quite a difference in distinction between the two, as the one is almost purely emotional and needing safety and containment, while the other is more aligned with the practicalities of life. I guess both highlighting that men and women might have different needs in terms of what they are wanting and needing from their fathers. But the need for safety and emotional connection for men can be deeply tied to our fathers too.

 This said, the role of the father is something of utmost importance and I do not believe that men realise the impact they can have on everyone around them. This impact is not only through us being men, but the actual process of being men. This can range from penetration and the responsibility of that, to purely an energetic connection that we have with someone. We are the oblivious initiators of responsibility whereas I see women being the alchemizers of that responsibility. The one initiates very well, while the other cultivates this energy into the fruition of someone beautiful… hence the statement "the mother of all creation".

 We get so het up within this debate of masculinity and what kind of man we need to be, be it alpha, beta or anything other stereotype you'd like to connect with. But it goes without saying that regardless of what stereotype or architype you connect with, you are still impactful and impacting the world around you whether you like it or not. This is where is see that responsibility or the concept of responsibility is not given enough time and space to actually embed itself into the psyche of men, and be reinforced through the feminine, or at least finding a different narrative so men can understand the importance of this responsibility.

 When we think about daddy issues we can align it with lack, or deficit. Something hasn’t been received by the father which in turn has created feelings of longing or neediness in being fulfilled because we have created a longing for safety in our wounded child. So unconsciously we go through life desperately seeking this imaginary fulfilment thinking that we will receive this from another human being, whereas all we are basically creating is a situation of co-dependence. When we wake up from the veil of co-dependence, we no longer want the object of desire that was so desperately needed before. This is where I find there to be a separation between men and women.

 Women may usually find themselves in relationships with men who provide a sense of safety and fulfilment for the void they had with their fathers. They then reach a point where they are "no longer in love" with the father image because they have grown through their neediness but yet are stuck in a situation where they feel this individual can no longer fulfil them. What occurs with men is that they will inevitably seek mentors throughout life which can become an addictive process in of itself moving from one mentor to the next until they have "received enough love, or guidance" from this man in order to be allowed or approved to step into the fullness of their masculinity.

 So as you can see both can create an unhealthy need for this "temporary daddy", until they have faced themselves enough to recognise that they have to face the loss of the father and grieve this process in order to clear enough space in their lives to allow a different kind of consciousness to enter be it in the form of a partner, money, success, or anything that is connected with the self rather than with the need of a father.

 So dear reader, this leaves me with one question for you. Have you truly looked at your daddy issues and processed them to your advantage?

 We all need to take the time to process our father and mother wounds and see how this has fed into our ability to relate to others. It is essential also to look at how our repetitive behaviours can be linked to these wounds and it might give you a new and different avenue to explore what is holding you back from your relational success in all areas of your life.

 We need to remember that we are relational beings. Relationships are the life force in sustaining or deconstructing us. We need to be able to explore relationships from a healthy and mature position, and yes much of this is going to be trial and error but the intention is to face ourselves and eventually come to a state of peace with who and what we are. It is unfortunate that much of this growth can be seen to be at the mercy/detriment of others through relationships and people get hurt along the way, but therein also lies very important information for our development. The information is that we are all interconnected and the collective unconscious on a very simplified level is pushing us all to expand our consciousness and become greater as a collective. This will continue until we become more conscious and make the necessary changes inwardly and outwardly, and then learn how to re-relate in a manner that is wholesome, expansive, healthy and authentic in nature.

 Vaya Con Dios

    My discussion point is being arrived at from a heteronormative position, so this is not to neglect the importance of all positions sexually speaking, but it is the one I am speaking from and the most informed position I can speak from. 

#daddy issues #father issues #masculinity #dad and father #father wound #dad wound #fuck you dad

[massistocchifontana]

Sex Can Heal, Sex Can Hurt, or Sex Can Be Reflective and Educative In Nature - Would love to know your thoughts on the full article - Check out my blog article @ www.Massimo.Love - Via Con Dios - #neverfearingalwaysfacing #sexadvice #sexuality #evolvedsex...