mconlight

[mconlight]

haneul doesn’t hear a lot of what seunggi says. actually, he can’t. and it’s not as though he doesn’t want to or is intentionally ignoring him, haneul’s blood is just rushing in his ears and he has tunnel vision for the door, and the door only.

he remembers vaguely nodding as he stumbles out and all but collapses on the front stoop, but it’s quickly replaced with trying to remember what his therapist told him for moments like these. breathing correctly, or something? focusing— focusing on something or other?

realistically, haneul’s probably out there for a few minutes. but it feels like he’s struggling to both breathe and calm his mind for hours, and by the time he’s cognizant enough to see again, he’s exhausted. he’s exhausted, confused, and sure of two things.

one: he won’t believe seunggi until he sees it for himself. two: it’s so fucking weird for seunggi to bring this up now.

when haneul stands again, it’s on weak legs. he’s a freshly birthed calf learning to walk as he finds seunggi, dares a heavy: “where?”

and when he eases back down: “when?”

“ignore you all day? haneul—” surely he didn’t think that that’s fair? “what does that even have to do with anything? with this?” seunggi thinks this is his least favorite part of being honest with haneul – he almost always starts throwing daggers the second you say something he doesn't like. and it wasn't like seunggi was genuinely ignoring haneul; he was working and couldn't have his phone. but because it's seunggi, it's been deemed ignoring. he tries not to dwell on it — instead sits and stews on it for a moment before biting his tongue (enormously difficult) — because it's not the bigger wheel in motion here. haneul is processing what's been said and taking it out on him, which is fine.

seunggi can act as a punching bag. for now.

"i don't want you to do anything, haneul, i'm just telling you—" hell, haru didn't even want haneul to believe it! or else he'd be telling him himself! so what did seunggi get out of it?! he has nothing to do with any of it, besides dating haneul when he was willing to die for vengeance alone. surely someone who was willing to put that much on the line should know that their brother is alive!

seunggi sits there in silence for a moment, hands in his lap as his eyes shift away from where haneul stands. he's already told the man information he (now) clearly doesn't want; the last thing seunggi wants to do is be any more overbearing.

"i'm not going anywhere," he murmurs, tone nervous and tired. "i— we can talk or we don't have to, but— i'm not going anywhere."

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four. #// kiss kiss fall in love

[mconlight]

it's very easy, falling into the rhythm of kissing seunggi with lazy, slow kisses. haneul's so comfortable as he gives languid kisses that even if haneul could find all the bones in his body again, he's sure he wouldn't move away from seunggi's lips. at least, until seunggi's looking at him the way he is and calling him pretty. seunggi's complimented him before, but it feels different as haneul's sprawled out beneath him and everything. it feels like seunggi means it. so naturally, haneul responds with a snort: "you just like the taste of cum."

haneul squirms, trying his best with awkward hands to move seunggi to his rightful little spoon position. it's not his favorite— not being able to see seunggi and everything— but seunggi can't see him either, and that's the only thought that seems to settle him now. with a soft hum, haneul's face is tucked into his new safe spot in the crook of seunggi's neck, arms curling around him until haneul inevitably gets up to spend his sleeplessness elsewhere. "like this," he mumbles into seunggi's shoulder.

"you can sleep more when i take you home tomorrow too." as if seunggi wouldn't pass out the second he was comfortable in haneul's passenger seat again. "i guess you had more than a few minutes left in you after all."

if he’s honest and if he had his way, seunggi would be pushing haneul’s legs upward right now and trying his hand at making his finish with his tongue again. but he’s trying very hard to not get greedy, knowing damn well that haneul would throw a fit over having three and seunggi having none. so, instead, he’s nosing at the other man’s hip, his thigh, and scattering kisses across his skin. “mm, kiss,” he agrees, shifting his way to hover over haneul once more and tilt his head to give him what they both want. and when he catches his lips this time, it’s slow, maybe a little deeper— everything their last kiss was not— because seunggi has all the time in the world to kiss haneul how he deserves to be kissed.

“was right, you do taste good,” he murmurs when he breaks away just enough, smile soft and smug as his fingertips press into haneul’s thigh. his opposite hand brushes through the younger’s hair, eyes flickering up in silent admiration. at least until: “pretty, baby.” another soft kiss to haneul’s lips and seunggi’s looking to pull his underwear back up— the closer to cuddling, the better.

“which spoon do you want, han?” or, rather: “where do you want me?” before he tries his hand at falling asleep on top of him, at least.

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

expecting a breakup isn't that unexpected. just— haneul finally reunites with seunggi, they fool around, and now seunggi tries to convince him that his dead brother is somehow alive? it's not insane to think that there are ulterior motives here, right?

"i don't know what to think, seunggi." and that's the honest truth. haneul hasn't felt this frazzled for a while— all harsh tones and shaking hands running over his thighs. he feels like this is an argument in the making, but surely there's no way to avoid it, what with seunggi insisting on the impossible. he kind of wonders if all his dates are meant to turn sour. maybe it's just a sign of how he and seunggi are supposed to be, really.

"you're— you ignore me all day and you're trying to tell me my dead brother is alive? i was— i spent— my whole life he's been dead. he's gone, he's—" haneul winces. it's funny, how he'd spent years bargaining with the heavens and arguing with therapists— believing in the sun and stars and haru's spirit was out there somewhere, alive— and how he's sitting with seunggi now, more certain than ever that haru isn't. haneul's spent so many years trying to believe it. how could he possibly go back now?

"—and you want me to believe you like any of it makes sense? like he hasn't been dead this whole time to me and mom and— and dad and—" haneul struggles, catching his breath. his chest feels tight and his head is spinning and still, all he can wonder is how cruel seunggi must be to try and convince him of all this. it's what has him stumbling to his feet, head shaking as he struggles to slide out of the table with numb legs. "i can't— i need— just— air—"

in the moment, seunggi feels foolish for not expecting this reaction out of haneul. he'd... he'd thought he'd be upset with seunggi, but to question his intentions? to think he was using something like that as an excuse to break up with haneul? he's, of course, horrifically offended, but more importantly—

he's staring at haneul with sad eyes, waiting for him to finish his point.

"i'm not trying to do anything but tell you what i saw, haneul." he's mostly defeated by now and it's— it's been less than five minutes, hasn't it? surely that's a new record, even for them. but despite feeling as though they were probably going to talk (or argue) in circles, he had no plans to be anywhere but here, spinning with haneul. so he takes a long moment to find his next words, sighing softly in his chair.

"how you feel about it is out of my hands, han. i'm— i'm not trying to make you feel any which way, i'm just telling you the truth. if you don't think i am, then there's nothing i can do about that." a shaky hand lifts to push a hand through his hair, only trying to ground himself and keep what little composure he has left. "it also has nothing to do with how i feel about you. i don't... i'm not sure i understand why you think i'd use your brother as an excuse to break up with you, after everything. that— that hurts, hannie." does he really think that low of seunggi? it's possible he doesn't— he could just be upset and trying to make sense of it? but it's difficult for seunggi to just sit there and take it, over and over again. he will, considering he walked straight into it, but it hurts.

he sighs again, his eyes more pleading as they look to haneul now. "tell me what you want me to do, hannie, and i'll do it. i don't want to make things worse."

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

in the morning, haneul might find himself embarrassed for all the things he tells seunggi while he's indisposed— like how good seunggi's lips look stretched on his cock like that, how he can't wait for seunggi to fuck him open because he promised, and every little whimper and whine seunggi manages to pull from him between the mindless, filthy babble.

but for now, he's quite satisfied. haneul's left catching his breath against the bed, hand that was previously in seunggi's hair gently patting his strands to fix the mess he's pretty sure he's made. he supposes he could look or something, but any glance at seunggi right now might have repercussions he and his body isn't ready for. yet.

"hyung," he breathes instead. his head makes a pitiful loll to the side, eyes cracking open. he finds just enough brattiness left in him to jut his lower lip out. he pouts. "hyung.

"kiss?"

a one na seunggi is quite convinced he might pass out at this point.

he's already seeing stars— how much worse can just full on fucking passing out make things, huh? it's— it's ridiculous how all of haneul's whining and pleading goes straight to seunggi's dick to the point that he's quite fucking sure all of the blood in his body is stuck there. so, like, is haneul fucking mad trying to get seunggi sitting on his face? can't he see how hard he's trying to contain himself right now?!

"hannie—" he gasps, a little too horny and pathetic to stop himself from grinding his hips down just once— just once!... maybe twice— in the hopes of just getting the itch out. "i— i can't cum—" he can't and he won't! come hell or high water, he was walking out of here without an orgasm to his name! "getting you off is good for me, i swear." sitting on haneul's face would also be good for him, but— he can't! HE CAN'T!

it doesn't take much longer for seunggi to continue kissing down along haneul's skin, his lips finding his thighs with ease as he encourages a hand into his hair. "i bet you'd taste good on my tongue—"

#☾. chats. #idleds #nsfw #☾. verse four. #// take a shot every time hannie pouts

[mconlight]

"then what the fuck are you trying to do, seunggi?" haneul's trying to stay calm, honest. there's just such a little possibility of staying calm when seunggi keeps insisting on not only seeing his dead brother, but apparently speaking with him? he feels frazzled, confused, and the more seunggi talks, the less he thinks he's going to be able to recover from it all. "just say you don't want to see me again, that you don't want me or something, i don't— i don't— get it."

what haneul doesn't get most is why seunggi would be this cruel. he's supposed to feel safe with seunggi. "you're telling me all this because you think i should know, but it's— it's literally not possible. and i-i don't get why you'd do this even if it was true." unless it just happened the night before, of course. but if seunggi wasn't seeing ghosts less than twenty-four hours ago, then he must have been sitting with this for a while, right? given that haru is alive? so, really, if haneul's considering the possibility of a living haru, then why is seunggi telling him now? "is... the sex bad or something? did you meet someone else? i-i don't understand."

“i wouldn’t lie to you, haneul. not about anything, and certainly not about this.” is his first and only defense against haneul’s initial reaction. it was— it was better than haneul getting outright mad at him, wasn’t it? for daring to say such a thing? don’t get him wrong— nothing about this is fucking ideal. he just.. didn’t think he’d be able to speak much more beyond what he’d already said, if he was honest. “and i wouldn’t use it as an excuse to break up— i wouldn’t. you know that.”

“he just— he told me that was his name. he ask me about you, told me about your family—“ he sighs, his head falling forward as he stares into his lap. what else can he even say? “— he looks just like you. he has your eyes, your nose…” or maybe vice versa? older siblings are odd like that. “i wouldn’t be saying anything if i didn’t believe it, hannie. and if you don’t believe me then that’s— i expected that. i’m not trying to convince you of anything, i’m just letting you know what i saw and heard.” seunggi’s own ice cream has long melted by now, a product of all of his earlier poking and prodding instead of eating.

“i’m really sorry, haneul.”

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four. #// siri how do u convince ur kinda not really boyfie that his brother is alive

[mconlight]

there might be a bit of a disheartened whine when seunggi has enough of a mind left to leave the fucking for next time, but haneul lets it be with a small squirm of his hips. "next time, promise?" as if seunggi would deny him, even if next time might be tomorrow or three months from now. still, the promise of a next time is enough to sate haneul for now.

he hums happily into seunggi's kisses, neck stretching to the side in case seunggi wants to spend more time there (and haneul hopes he does). "but you—" haneul's legs easily give way, spreading further to let seunggi between them— "you haven't cum yet? and— and i wanna help, i wanna—" there might be another whine that comes from high in haneul's throat while he pouts. but he can't help it! he can't be taking all of seunggi's time without making his love feel good too! he's not that selfish anymore!

"seunggi— just— turn around. let me taste you too."

okay, maybe straddling haneul’s lap was a mistake. only because the second haneul’s grinding his hips up, seunggi’s resolve nearly crumbles. he lets out a soft gasp, a hand finding the other man’s chest to clutch gently at his shirt as he looks down at him with flushed cheeks. “you— you want—“ oh, jesus christ. he has haneul grinding under him, asking to fuck, and he’s supposed to say no? like some sort of psycho?!

“i don’t— i don’t have anything—“ lube or plastic or anything that could help haneul gets what he wants here. and while seunggi is partially cursing under his breath over it, he’s also thinking it’s probably for the best? both for… timing and for his dick’s sake?

seunggi’s breathing is a little shaky as a hand lifts to brush haneul’s hair out of his face, eyes studying along his features carefully. “next time, baby, mm? next time, i promise.” and seunggi was going to keep on that, come hell or high fucking water. in the meantime, however, he was surging back down for another kiss as he shifted to settle his knees between haneul’s legs. “let me just—“ a kiss to his neck. “just—“ a kiss to his jaw. “i’ve been waiting years, hannie—“

#☾. chats. #idleds #nsfw #☾. verse four. #// niall girls stay winning what can i say

[mconlight]

"...what?"

seunggi could've said anything— he's found someone else, he's actually married, he's got a secret kid— anything and haneul would've taken his word at face value and accepted it. but this? haneul can only stare, wide-eyed and brows furrowed, wearing every bit of confusion he feels. on the one hand, he knows seunggi wouldn't lie to him about something like this; seunggi wouldn't lie to him about anything concerning haru. but on the other—

"i felt him bleed out, seunggi." and, granted, haneul was recovering in the hospital when it was time for haru's funeral, but haneul's visited his memorial site enough times to know that there's no way his brother is alive. it's just— it's impossible.

...right?

haneul shakes his head, squashing down any thoughts of possibilities before he can dream of it too dearly. "i don't... i don't know what you're trying to do, seunggi, but it must have... you must've seen someone else. there's... there's no way. there's no way haru's— there's no way." haneul's hands run over his face. and he sighs. "listen, i don't know what's going on, but if you want to break up, you don't have do to all this—"

seunggi swallows thickly. he’s thought about this moment probably over a thousand times by now, both consciously and in his dreams, and yet none of that prepared him for how horrible the silence feels in the moment.

he tries to clear his throat, but the sound is more broken than anything else as his eyes are already beginning to well with tears. “first i— i need to say that i know you’re— you’re not going to believe me.” that felt kind of inevitable. how else would someone react to the news that your sibling that you had known to be buried for decades, suddenly wasn’t? “but i would never lie to you, haneul. never. and not— not about something like this.”

his eyes are glued to his lap now, where his hands are also picking at his fingers. his cheeks are wet now, lips shaking with the weight of what he has no choice but to say. “i went to a bar one night, to meet with someone from work—“ his words are shaky, too breathy to make complete sense. “and i didn’t drink, so i wasn’t fucking drunk, but this— this guy came up to me and he looked weirdly fucking familiar but i couldn’t put a name to his face at first? and once i realized why—” he sniffles, a hand lifting to wipe at his cheeks with a sigh. “i tried to get him to do this himself, but he wouldn’t— he wouldn’t.”

his eyes closed for a long moment, before his head shook. “i’m sorry— your brother’s alive, haneul.”

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

haneul's quite satisfied with himself— having found a way to help his seunggi clean up and everything. and truthfully, he thinks that's the end of it. he's gonna snuggle seunggi until he regains a cohesive thought and then stare at the ceiling until the morning sun burns his eyes through the window. but then seunggi's kissing him as if he's desperate for it, and hey! haneul loves kisses! he loves seunggi's kisses! he'll kiss seunggi as much as he wants to! he's not complaining!

nor does he have any complaints to forward to the hr department when he finds himself underneath seunggi again! if anything, a satisfied little sigh leaves him as soon as his back hits the mattress— his hands finding seunggi's hair to kiss him back just as deeply. and haneul's seen seunggi in various states, both favorable and not. but when seunggi pulls away, haneul's pretty sure he's never seen his seunggi like this before. it has his stomach doing flips as his dick gives a small kick in interest.

"oh," he says dumbly, surprised. he blinks once, twice— just to make sure seunggi's for real for real while his words bounce around haneul's skull like a dvd screen saver.

and he laughs.

it just feels so silly! seunggi is so silly, being hard and everything while haneul is right here to help! and haneul's proven to be very helpful! he's cleaned off his seunggi's hand and everything! "i wanna help," he whines, grin still worn proudly on his lips. his hands drift a little lower, resting on seunggi's shoulders while he lifts his hips to meet seunggi's instead. "wanna help. want— wanna be fucked."

"good," seunggi hums in response, his clean hand dragging up along haneul's back in the hopes of encouraging him in, too. just— maybe not into his not so clean hand, leaving him to let out an "oh—" his nose scrunches; surely it's not a nice feeling (only when it's on accident, seunggi wants to clarify).

then haneul's kind of wobbling around for a minute and seunggi's just. holding his hand in the air, not wanting to touch anything. which doesn't really get resolved when haneul's pressed against him again? and if... seunggi is honest... he's kind of convinced he's either going to have to... wipe his hand on the sheets....—and he's sure he wouldn't be the first!— or sleep with a mess on his hand? so he's kind of just. stuck staring at it for a minute. before—

well. before haneul basically has seunggi seeing the light? his eyes are wide and his lips part in pure shock as he stares at the man like he’s just discovered gold for the first time. if he's honest, seunggi would've fucking beat him to it if he knew haneul was going to do that—— but he had! absolutely no idea! that haneul would even like such a thing! if the way seunggi's pants get impossibly tight were any clue to go by, it should've been obvious that it was the kind of thing that he dreams about!

there's no hesitation as seunggi surges forward to press his lips to haneul's, and while the kiss is more messy and wet than sweet, he can't really help it! nor can he help the way he gently rolls haneul onto his back, leaving seunggi hovering over him and his legs straddling the younger's thighs. when he pulls away, the look in his eye is a lot less soft than it was when he was in haneul's lap. "please let me put you in my mouth—" he's pleading at this point, mouth watering and using his last bit of restraint to keep himself from grinding his hips down. "you can say no if you really don't want me to, you're just— you're driving me insane, hannie. m'so hard i can't see straight," he laughs, head dipping to kiss and nip along haneul's jaw and neck. "you’re fucking hot, i want to make you feel good—"

#☾. chats. #idleds #nsfw #☾. verse four. #// remember when we couldn't get them to stop fighting #// now here we are #// does it ever drive u crazy just how fast the night changes

[mconlight]

continued x. + @idleds

haneul's not blind to seunggi's absence, though, incredibly optimistic about it. he knows he was struck with sheer luck the second time they met, and again the night of their first date. he should've known, actually, that sooner or later he'd have to face reality again. though, he was hoping that this reality would be much kinder to him. but seunggi can't tell him that they're okay like haneul asked him to, so it looks like this reality will play out very similarly to the first.

he can really only nod softly, dejected as he shoves his spoon back into his half-eaten dish of ice cream. he suddenly doesn't have a taste for it anymore. he wishes he were brave enough to look seunggi in the eye while he's being broken up with for a second time, but instead, haneul's eyes fall to his lap where his hands are already anxiously picking at his cuticles. maybe he was a little silly, thinking they'd be able to salvage a relationship after all this time?

"okay," he says, heart sinking. "tell me."

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four. #// can't wait for them to be really over wow

[mconlight]

haneul expects sex with seunggi to be good. it's, like, impossible for it not to be, right? considering that seunggi looks like a wet dream come true and can get haneul going with no effort at all, haneul always knew that doing unspeakable things with him would be worth his while. and he's right, of course. haneul's all shuttered breaths and shaky hands as he grips to anything of seunggi that he can.

what he doesn't expect his just how fuzzy he feels. he's sure he can hear seunggi very well with his eyes closed while he catches his breath, but his words bounce around his skull before he can fully process it. he thinks he catches the word okay and— haneul's okay, isn't he? he cracks his (teary) eyes open, blinking a few times when seunggi's face comes out blurry the first time. and seunggi looks so nice and cozy that haneul can't help but inch closer with a soft hum and slight nod of his head.

"good," he says too softly, nose nuzzling against seunggi's cheek. he tries getting closer, only frowning when he's met with the mess between them. and that's pretty confusing for him! because he doesn't remember seunggi making a mess! and he doesn't remember leaving a m— "oh. wet."

haneul's not rude! he has enough of a sense to know he needs to clean seunggi up! it's just that when he tries to stand, his legs won't cooperate! and he tries! he tries to hobble around to find something to clean seunggi with, but it really just ends with him curled back into seunggi's side. but that's not good! he needs to clean his seunggi! and if haneul can't get up to find something, then—

"here," he says, tugging seunggi's hand closer until it's close enough for haneul to stick his tongue out and lick. "clean seunggi."

"uh huh, just playing—" seunggi laughs. sure, he's just playing, just kidding, but seunggi is sure he is not hallucinating that haneul's weight is rocking down against his own, so how much of a game is it, really? honestly, if haneul wasn't sticking to that line, seunggi might have been greedy enough to try and pull his hips down a little harder. like— just a little. just enough, you know? but instead haneul is giggling and he's burying his face in seunggi's neck, and it's cute. fucking adorable, even! so it's all too easy for the older of the pair to wrap his arms around haneul's shoulders and bury a hand in his hair with a hypnotized little laugh of his own.

until haneul's speaking again. maybe, and seunggi's heart is skipping a beat at the possibility alone. "yeah, i— i want to," he swallows, eyes flickering from haneul's own to his cheeks and down to his lips— yes, he wants to! he's only been begging for it for like, a half hour! but he blinks and there's another offer on the table and seunggi swears he sees stars. god, did he want haneul to touch him— he's wanted it for so long he's stunned in the moment, speechless and trying to remember how to say yes, please fucking do.

but—... his resolve from earlier mercilessly hits him upside the head. he wants haneul all over him if he's honest, but— how does that look, huh? asking haneul to touch him, just to inevitably break his heart against his fucking will—— and how will haneul take seunggi rejecting him against his will? surely he's not prepared for seunggi to say no? granted, he has a good... medical reason apart from all of that, but he still— he still wants haneul's hands on him! he wants this to be for the both of them, you know? mutually beneficial, and not because of the (potential) orgasms!

"i— um, i can't like—" his brow furrows, a soft snort slipping out like what he's about to say is funny. "my meds. you know? it doesn't let me—" his breath catches. it's not the first time he's had to explain himself, but it feels a lot more... vulnerable with haneul. "i'd say yes— trust me, i would— but i don't want you to break your wrist trying." he's sighing internally because maybe this time he'd be able to, but was that risk worth the reward? considering everything? and he was sure it'd be fucking disheartening for the other man, after all this time. "next time? i'll— i'll wait until after to take it. i really want you to, hannie— i do."

okay, so not off to a great start. but at least it was out of the way? unlike haneul's pants and maybe seunggi's shirt (which— give him a minute and he'll get there). first, he's a little more preoccupied with gently urging haneul in for a kiss, because he's a romantic, thank you. only after that did he consider undoing haneul's belt and pushing his pants down just enough. it's too easy for seunggi to get lost in it all from there; having haneul on top of him and in his hands when last week he didn't have him at all... it's a fucking whirlwind and he's dizzy, despite not even being touched.

even after everything, he's looking at haneul in a daze when he pulls away, only to press kiss after kiss to his nose and lips and cheeks. "was— was that okay?"

#☾. chats. #idleds #nsfw #☾. verse four. #// we're going to pretend this never happened.

[mconlight]

haneul did move seunggi in innocence, really! and quite frankly his actions are still quite innocent with no ulterior motives ahead! there's nothing but purity in the way he grins down a seunggi, a soft shake of his head because clearly haneul isn't quite sure about what he's doing either. but it's seunggi, so he's not too worried about having all the answers.

haneul settles on top of seunggi's body, face tucked into the crook of his neck. "i'm just playing," he whines. even as he's wearing his satisfied little smile, haneul will still maintain that it's all for shits and giggles— good natured, wholesome fun— especially the way his hips settle on a gentle back and forth against seunggi's. innocently, of course! because haneul would never expect anything from seunggi, especially on their first date.

but haneul's just a man, you know? and seunggi's really eager to help him out however he can. "maybe—" haneul sucks in a breath, hips stuttering— "just a hand is okay. if you want to." when he lifts his head again, it's only to return seunggi's eagerness— all wide eyes and blushed cheeks. "i can touch you too, if you want me to."

you can sleep, haneul says, and then proceeds to roll his hips against seunggi’s, oh so innocently! and— well, it doesn’t really seem like haneul wants seunggi to go to sleep! not when there’s a fucking brick in his pants and he’s grinding it down against seunggi!

“what are you doing—“ seunggi laughs softly, amused as his hands remain on the younger man’s sides. he was ready to go to sleep after haneul handled him so carefully, so gently, but now— now he’s looking at haneul with furrowed eyebrows and a smile on his lips. a shame; seunggi was going to ask him to big spoon. there was still time, though? maybe?

“do— do you want my hand, or something?” hell, seunggi would watch him use his own hand, at this rate! if haneul wants to get off, seunggi wants to see him get off! with or without his help! haneul just! needs to! point him in the right direction! “i can suck you off?” he offers for what feels like the fifteenth time of the night, but he means it! and it feels most efficient! and he kinda just fucking wants to! “or you can, like, fuck my face, i’m not picky——“ clearly. since he was offering haneul almost everything under the sun.

his eyes flicker up to find haneul’s, careful as his gaze sweeps along the man’s features. he’s trying to not let his eagerness get the best of him (and failing, obviously) in the name of haneul’s nerves. but if haneul is fucking hard in his pants and trying to make it known— “let me take care of you, hannie. i want to.”

#☾. chats. #☾. verse four. #idleds #nsfw

[mconlight]

haneul hadn't even considered asking seunggi for help— not because he didn't want any, but because the thought of having a second chance at anything never really crossed his mind. but seunggi's here, still curled up in his lap, real as ever and making haneul think that maybe, in this life, he gets to try again. but for now, he gives a small shrug, unsure. "maybe," he says quietly. "things... are a bit complicated right now." sleepy man in his lap included.

but haneul has all night to worry about his future. right now, his arms wrap around seunggi again to give a soft squeeze, a contented hum coming from deep within his chest. "we can worry about it tomorrow, hm?" we. the sheer sound of it has the tips of haneul's ears turning red. we. how comfortable it feels, coming out of his mouth. haneul's arms slip under seunggi's legs, bracing himself for just a moment before he stands— holding seunggi close. he doesn't move far, only to seunggi's usual side of the bed, where he carefully lays his love against the blankets. "you can sleep," he says with a kiss against his cheek. seunggi wouldn't survive a car ride now anyway. haneul can count his losses later. losses for the night include haneul's hands settling on seunggi's waist as he rolls his hips against him. playfully! haneul even grins! tamely! "i'll be awake for a little longer, but it looks like you have a few minutes in you at best." he's just a man! "don't force yourself to stay awake if you're tired, seunggi."

seunggi agrees— he’s happy he came, too. he might have to unpack all of it at some later date, but in the moment he’s happy to be with haneul and he’s happy he showed up in the first place. “i hope that’s not true. it wasn’t your fault,” seunggi frowns slightly, hating the idea of haneul going through all of the work of setting up an exhibition only to get the boot over something out of his hands. “maybe you can find another one? i can ask around—“ if haneul wants him to? which— maybe he wouldn’t? it isn’t… exactly seunggi’s business, anyway. in reality, at least. in his heart he feels a need to help, but fully expects an attempt at a helping hand to be rejected all the same.

still, it’s funny how haneul asks seunggi if he’d like to go home and maybe sleep in his own bed after seunggi had made his peace with this being their home away from home for the night. he doesn’t even really bite with the question– just has the same look on his face as a tired puppy trying to keep its head up and its eyes open. (haneul’s right, it has been a long night.) “you can, if you don’t want to sleep here? i can’t promise i won’t fall asleep in the car.” his head tilts and his eyes follow haneul’s gaze. “maybe at the front desk? to keep people from pocketing it all?” he lets out a soft, tired sigh as he leans forward again, this time nosing at haneul’s neck before resting comfortably against him. “i can walk around and look for some in the morning. i’m sure there’s a drug store around here somewhere.” and it might not be the best tea the market had to offer, but it would be something! if he had the opportunity to take at least one worry off of haneul’s mind, he’d try his best. “— did you still want to go? or do you mind if i lay down?”

#☾. chats. #☾. verse four. #idleds

[mconlight]

haneul's worked through a lot of possibilities from his apology. he's accepted that he'll never be forgiven, that seunggi will never speak to him again, that he'd be left high and dry before he'd even gotten the chance to apologize properly—— he'd (extensively) gone over every possibility to prepare for this moment. but he's looking at seunggi's teary eyes and his nose powdered pink and everything's thrown of kilter.

even more so when seunggi throws in his own apology! haneul was being really brave until seunggi decided to mention haneul's feelings that night! it's what has his eyes tearing up, looking away with a short, "yeah," in a desperate attempt to move on as quickly as possible. truthfully, he's worked through a lot of things while he and seunggi have been apart, but that's not one of them. haneul's not sure he'll ever heal from that. and, yeah, seunggi says he shouldn't take it personally, but how could he not? how could he not let that settle in his heart and sink in his stomach until he's sighing of relief when seunggi decides to hug him, if only because he doesn't have to face seunggi for a bit?

haneul's doing better with a lot of things. just not that.

"i'm happy you came," he admits, eyes turning to the ceiling as his head settles against seunggi's. maybe he'll start praying to some kind of god or something— ask them if he'll ever be able to forget how it feels to be rejected by his only love, to feel not enough for the one man he's ever wanted to be enough for. maybe god will smite him. he hopes so. "i don't think i'll be invited back to that gallery, but... it was kinda nice while it lasted."

haneul's arms give seunggi a soft squeeze before he pulls away, carefully straightening out seunggi's hair. "i can still take you home if you want to. s'been a long night and it'd probably be good to sleep in your own bed or something?" he pauses, taking a proper glance around the room for probably the first time since they'd entered. funny, how haneul can actually see things outside of his anxious haze now. he frowns. "i don't think they have tea here."

seunggi is nowhere near prepared for how swiftly the nature of their conversation shifts. in the blink of an eye, the clock's hand is moving and seunggi can hear it thud into place with the change in haneul's tone. it's almost sorrowful suddenly— regretful. and from where seunggi is really trying to cope with not getting his dick in his mouth, he's stunned.

he doesn't say anything for a while. just stays in haneul's lap, fingers back to tracing circles from where they'd frozen for a beat or two.

everything was so wrong. haneul could say that again. and again. and again. not just because of what he'd said that night, but almost everything, it seemed? they could never properly communicate with one another, and it seemed like almost every time feelings were brought up in any way, one of them would end up upset. everything was wrong and talking never seemed to make any of it right. so how could a proposal be expected to do so? or even a ring?

when seunggi's head lifts, his eyes are wet and his nose dusts pink, clearly affected by haneul's words. he lets out a shaky sigh, a hand lifting to gently brush his fingertips against haneul's cheek. "i think you're the first person to ever apologize for upsetting me," he snorted with a sad smile. "i wish i was kidding — you don't know how long i've waited to hear something like that." not just from haneul, but from anyone. but it meant more coming from haneul, didn't it? it meant more than haneul cared enough to apologize, even after all this time.

"i'm sorry, too. for— for not being more respectful of your feelings." he didn't have to elaborate on what feelings, did he? "i should've listened to you and not just... questioned you. you didn't deserve that." his gaze fell before his head did, too. "i don't want you to think it was personal, because it wasn't. i can't put into words how much i felt for you, haneul, seriously, i just—" he grimaces, trying to find the best way to explain himself. "i was young then, you know? i thought i knew everything, but... i didn't. and i still don't." his hands gently rest on top of the other man's, only to glide along his forearms. "i just know i missed you. and i'm happy you asked me to come tonight." his head tilts, a soft laugh slipping free. "you're much braver than me— i don't know if i could've asked you out so casually."

it doesn't take long for seunggi's arms to wrap around his torso again, this time leaning in for a long-awaited hug. "thank you for apologizing. and thank you for thinking of me."

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

if haneul really stops to think about it, he's pretty sure he'd be willing to do literally whatever seunggi wanted him to. the problem is, with seunggi in his lap and kissing his lips and holding him so dearly and softly and lovingly and asking to see haneul bare and exposed and scarred— haneul can't stop to think about it. it's a lot suddenly— all of this is. and, yeah, haneul was kind of hoping that this first date would go well enough to maybe lead into more dates, but he certainly hadn't thought that it would have ever led him here. or led them here. it's a lot. it's sudden. the haneul that seunggi loved wouldn't have hesitated to strip himself bare. but the haneul seunggi is faced with now is a far cry from the man he used to be.

haneul's heart sinks.

he nods slowly, pulling his hands from seunggi briefly as if it'll help him think more clearly. it doesn't (a scam), and haneul can really only manage to draw in an unsteady breath. he's not in any real danger, he reminds himself, even if he feels like he is.

"seunggi," he says, "i'm sorry. for... everything." haneul's practiced this a lot with his therapist— in the mirror, to the ghosts in his apartment— but he still feels like he's not ready for it. then again, that doesn't really matter, does it? there's no guarantee seunggi would ever want to see him again anyway. "i said a lot of things i shouldn't have and... and i didn't know how to talk to you about any of it. everything was so wrong."

the truth is, haneul really did want to marry seunggi. he was so sure of it at the time that anything else that could've possibly come out of his mouth would've been a crime to his spirit. and, at the time, he had no idea how something that felt so pure could have felt so wrong. it was a few years later that he figured out that seunggi didn't want the same. he thinks he might've known that at seunggi's doorstep, but thinks look quite different after his reluctant revival.

"you said you don't forgive me and i think that's okay. i just want to say that i'm really sorry."

all haneul needs to say is that he's nervous and seunggi's hands are falling gentle on his shoulders, free of any underlying motive as a thumb fiddles with the seam. "we don't have to do anything," seunggi promises, head tilting to try and find haneul's eyes. "not if it'll make you feel more bad than good." he supposes being nervous wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but he didn't want to jump the gun and leave haneul overwhelmed and regretful just because seunggi couldn't keep it in his pants. "we can just kiss and touch like this? just be together, mm?" his hands slowly glide down haneul's torso, finding his waist before both arms are sliding around his waist. naturally, this leaves seunggi leaning inward, comfortably resting against haneul's frame before his head is turning to let him bury his face in his neck with a soft sigh.

"i'm happy to just be with you, hannie," he hums, an index finger slowly tracing circles into the fabric of the other man's shirt. "i'd also be happy to suck your dick, but i can gladly wait my turn–"

#☾. chats. #idleds #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

seunggi's really nice. haneul's always thought so. he never worried about seunggi telling him he looked terrible and meaning it when they were together. though, if seunggi did voice his disapproval aloud, maybe haneul would feel more at ease now. maybe he wouldn't have to wonder if seunggi was just good at hiding it.

haneul's still a bit more settled when seunggi's hands roam, though. "things are different with you, though." he still leans into every touch— body still searching for comfort even if the rest of him isn't fully convinced yet. "you knew me before." haneul's not trying to commit a taboo by talking about having sex with other people when seunggi's in his literal lap, and he doesn't even mean it that way, honest!

but it'd be quite silly to ignore their history, wouldn't it?

the kiss haneul leaves on seunggi's cheek is sweet, soft. he can't honestly say that seunggi's not the reason he'd want to keep his shirt on, nor can he happily let seunggi strip him because he's not brave enough for that yet. seunggi's different. "i'm nervous," he says instead. he's really at an impasse, letting his hands roam to seunggi's thighs, rubbing them softly as if it'll buy him some time— even daring to slide between them before returning to soft squeezing along his thighs.

"just— slow?" haneul's head dips to kiss seunggi's neck. "it's been a while, i think."

when haneul’s body tenses underneath his weight, seunggi understands. it was the whole reason he asked, really— to find out if anything about seunggi taking his clothes off made him uncomfortable. but when haneul explains himself——

seunggi’s hands drift up from the button and his fingers find haneul’s hair again, this time carding through the locks gently, soothingly. his eyes follow the other man’s as they wander and shift, desperate to listen to haneul— not just for an answer as to whether he can take his fucking shirt off. he’s fully, wholeheartedly listening.

one palm moves to cup the side of haneul’s face, a shaky sigh slipping from seunggi’s lips as he gently glides his thumb along haneul’s cheek. “you don’t need to explain yourself to me, haneul.” he’s been through things seunggi, and a majority of people, could never wrap their heads around. it was only expected that his body would wear proof of it all. “i prefer you here, different, than not at all.” a heavy truth, but still honest nonetheless.

“besides, different is still sexy,” he hums, eyes falling to where his hands work on straightening out the man’s collar. “who says it’s not?” it’s a hard thing to cope with, isn’t it? different. seunggi understands, especially when he can feel people’s gaze stay a second or two longer than he’d like.

his hand gently tilted haneul’s face to let him press a small trail of kisses along his cheek. “you’re sexy, haneul. s’why i always want your dick in my mouth—“ he snorts, head tilting to nose at the younger man’s jaw before sitting back in his lap. “you can leave it on, if you want— as long as you don’t keep it on because of me.” or because of what seunggi would think, maybe.

#☾. chats. #idleds #nsfw #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

seunggi's such a dream. he's kissing haneul as if haneul's something sweet and soft and something worth kissing. it feels unreal, and haneul's actually almost certain that he'll wake up soon with a sad boner and an even more sad heart once the realization that he doesn't, in fact, have seunggi in his lap and in his arms again. there are soft, happy sighs leaving haneul as seunggi kisses him, far too dazed to fully register where seunggi's hands travel to or what he's really asking.

but haneul's fully conscious once his brain catches up. he stiffens— body running cold as he stomach drops. and it's... it's not as though haneul doesn't want it (if seunggi shifts his hips, he'll know that haneul, actually, really wants it), and it's not even as if haneul hasn't been exposed in front of seunggi before. it's just... he's never been exposed in front of seunggi for that before. and if seunggi asked haneul the same thing years ago, he would never had hesitated to strip himself down at any given whim seunggi could offer.

it's just—

"i'm— i'm— i'm not the same," he stammers after too many moments of silence. "my body." he knows it shouldn't— his body shouldn't make his stomach heavy with shame— but he can't help the way it twists when haneul considers that seunggi might see what's become of him in the time they've been apart. the hours of torment he'd faced, the evidence of his meetings with death and back, the surgeries— everything that reminds haneul of what happened after he lost seunggi. never mind all the months of recovery, how he's only recently found enough purpose to return to the gym again (funny, how meeting seunggi again has affected him.), haneul's body just... isn't something pretty anymore.

and seunggi's pretty. seunggi likes pretty things.

his hands tremble as he finds seunggi's hips again, anxious with the thought that seunggi will finally see who he is now— all of him. but that's seunggi's choice to make. haneul wants to give him that, at least. "you can, i-i want you. i'm just— i'm not—" haneul sucks in a shaky breath, considers his words again. it's not seunggi's job, to make him feel better about anything. they're not connected to each other anymore, no matter how much haneul wants them to be. so he just shrugs. he tells himself that he needs to be careful, else he ruin his time with seunggi again (rather, more than he already has). haneul's voice is soft when he's brave enough to use it again: "i just look different."

it’s too easy for seunggi to do as haneul asks and kiss him again and again— it’s been so long since he’s been able to do so freely, after all. and after feeling haneul kiss and mark his neck like he’d asked to the point that it was a miracle seunggi didn’t fucking moan, he wanted nothing more than give haneul the attention he’s always deserved. uninhibitedly.

but it’s ten different types of wrong for seunggi to take anything from haneul here when he knows what he knows, with no indication of when he should tell the other man the truth. seunggi knows he should tell him— knows that he needs to, for haneul’s sake. but he— he feels even worse about placing something so earth shattering in haneul’s hands tonight, after he’s already been visibly through the ringer. after he’s made it clear that all he really wants now is comfort and love and a distraction and anything but reality, maybe.

so seunggi looks to give and offer and submit in a way that looks to give him what he wants and proves seunggi’s feelings, without giving either of them something to look back on and regret.

the hands in haneul’s hair glide towards the collar of his shirt, dragging his fingertips along the underside of the fabric only to fall down his chest towards the first button. his fingers merely fiddle with where the button connects for a moment, as he’s quick to break the kiss to study haneul’s features. “is it okay if i—?” he’s breathless and dizzy and, yeah, he’s fucking folding at the sight of haneul’s flushed lips. he can’t help but just lean in to press one soft kiss against them. then another, drifting further and further to the corner of his lips. “you can tell me to stop— i will, hannie. promise. i just—“ he sighs a shaky breath, his eyes fluttering up to meet haneul’s. “i want you in my mouth.” he lets out a soft, embarrassed laugh, already preparing to be told no— which wouldn’t be the end of the world! he’d happily keep kissing haneul without going further, if that’s what haneul wanted. but he’d also happily tease him a little bit, too. “might even be a little eager for it, if m’honest.”

#☾. chats. #idleds #body image tw #nsfw #// well. #☾. verse four.

[mconlight]

well, yeah, seunggi isn't that much older than haneul is, but he's old enough for haneul to tease him about it. the age difference has never bothered haneul anyway. if anything, seunggi's kind of hot as an older guy, but he's not totally ready to put that out in the open. yet. their age difference is never too evident anyway. seunggi cared for him how he did because seunggi was who he was, and they loved how they loved.

it's still pretty hot that he's older, though.

"old enough," haneul laughs against seunggi's neck. it's so light and easy, grinning into seunggi's skin. even as seunggi's demanding more from him— so obviously affected— haneul still feels light somehow. he chalks it up to having seunggi so close again, but no matter the reason, haneul's pretty happy to indulge him this time. he repeats himself— a soft bite followed by a soothing lap of his tongue over the same spot. again and again, haneul only shifts to find a new spot to target— to watch bloom in soft pink before he moves onto a fresh place on seunggi's neck.

"don't worry," is all he says. seunggi's not hurting him anyway, at least physically. besides, haneul's happy to be making seunggi feel good for once. he knows, is so certain, that there's very little he can do for him otherwise. he's... not a very good boyfriend, but he can make seunggi feel good, right? his body is much more scarred now, but seunggi can still use it as he wishes, right?

haneul's hands slide downward, first grabbing seunggi's hips for a firm squeeze before slipping further to his ass. he holds him there as he sinks his teeth against his collarbone. "just—" haneul's head pops up, eyes finding seunggi's lips before he finds his eyes, pleading. uncertain, maybe, if seunggi looks for too long. "just kiss me."

it’s embarrassing how haneul’s compliments have seunggi’s heart fluttering in his chest like it’s the first time someone’s ever called him attractive. and whenever he reflects on it, he will likely admit that it does sort of feel like that. he’s relieved to hear that haneul still finds him beautiful, despite not having that harsh jawline or those sharp cheekbones or weighing almost twenty pounds more than he did then.

it’s not often that he hears things like that anymore, as horrible as it is. it’s more concern of if there’s something wrong with him now, as if he’s not the healthiest he’s ever been.

so, yeah. seunggi does fucking take pride in haneul saying that! and he does appreciate the fact that haneul keeps making it known to him! and the fact that it’s haneul means the world to him, the words going right to his heart and making it swell. “you’re sweet, as always—“ seunggi laughs with an exhale, his head tilting this way and that in the hopes of giving haneul more room. and maybe haneul was smart in hiding away; seunggi wouldn’t have hesitated to pull away to compliment him all over, too.

and maybe he also was smart, because seunggi would’ve probably tried to pinch his cheeks off with the nonstop teasing. over his age, of all things! “m’not even that much older than you—“ he snorts, giving a soft tug to haneul’s hair in teasing disapproval before he’s—

well— before he’s letting out a soft gasp with the bite to his neck, and a mindless hum over how warm haneul’s tongue feels on his neck. but within a second or two, when he feels the fucking caveman need to push his hips forward against haneul’s, he holds off— instead he flushes even deeper, eyes wide and frozen like he’s a damn virgin reborn. but, again, it’s a good thing haneul can’t see him right now, because he knows he’d fold the second he saw those lips kissed and bitten red——

“again— do it again,” he murmurs, his voice soft and nervous and trying to sound sure of himself while failing miserably. “if that’s— if that’s okay? — i’m not hurting you, am i?”

#☾. chats. #idleds #nsfw #// ?? #ed tw #☾. verse four.