midnightbedroom

[midnightbedroom]

[midnightbedroom]

its the middle of the day and i just want to drink my depression away.

ive always thought that i could be independent and i can survive by myself but this shit is tough.

i need to relearn how to love myself through it all.

i need to relearn how to stand on my own two feet again.

i need to relearn how to be happy again.

[midnightbedroom]

i just want to give myself the recognition i need.

the applause, the congratulations, the 10 mins of fame.

i am killing it.

even though ive been sleeping late, crying too often, or just impulsively indecisive, ive made through 22 years of my life.

congratulations laura.

even in a depressive state, you are always giving your 100% in everything you do.

i love you.

remember to breathe.

[midnightbedroom]

left out

hmm...

i knew i had a feeling about this haha but its okay i kinda did to myself.

do you guys know that feeling when you kinda invited yourself to an event? or something where you thought you were invited and then you just showed up to everyone's surprise when you showed up?

yeah its one of those time but i really thought that it was over that thought.

i feel like that this trip was kinda a waste of time for me.

recap:

wayyy before the trip, i was invited by two people, my boyfriend and his friend. a couple weeks before the trip, i was told i wasn't invited or they just didn't want me there in the first place because it's a "boys' trip" or whatever that means. i was just left confused and pissed at the fact that these "friends" of my boyfriend don't even respect me as a girlfriend WHICH REALLY PISSES ME OFF SOOO BAD. like, how bad is it to show common decency and respect to your friend's significant other????????

anyways, when the trip came, everyone was goodie goodie. they said their formalities and started the trip as planned. one night in, they bought a card game, "truth or drink." obv we know how that ended. but not in the obvious way you think.

firstly, they excluded me from their conversations starting the time we got to the hotel after we bought the card games. afterwards, they ask me to get room service for the cups AND told me to tip the housekeeping. to top that off, when they started the game, they told me to put headphones on and sit in the corner of the room so they can talk to themselves. never in my life have i been ostracized that badly. i feel so fucking disrespected and awful to be put in that situation.

after the whole card game, they acted like it was nothing. they acted normal and one of his friends asked me if i wanted to go on a hunt to find one of their friends who had gone roaming around the resort. that friend has been the most genuine person i have talked to since i arrived on the island. i started to get ready to leave, but this one friend, lets call him M, said in the most disgusting and disrespectful way ever "what, you're actually coming?" i will be talking about M for the most part, just saying. M pisses me the fuck off and honestly ruined the entire trip for me. but anyways, I said "oh am i going?" then the genuine friend said "yeah you are, come on lets go" so we left feeling some sort of invitation at least from one of them. honestly, i think it was out of sympathy because he knew i felt deserted and left out. the worst part about it, my boyfriend didn't even make me feel better after the whole game.

moving on, we left for the beach because that's where the other friend roamed away. he was talking to his ex bc he was drunk obv. lol. left the guys to swim around in the beach and walked to the edge of the park to just breathe and be free from them since i highk needed it. sang smule ykno the vibes. then the boys eventually found me. they thought security was gonna kick us out but they were just talking to our friends.

thats night 2.

night 3 is when it gets interesting.

we got back to the hotel from the beach, and my boyfriend was in the bathroom doing his business. the other boys booked 3 cars to drive around the island without letting bf know. and ofc, we checked out the next day from the resort, bf got mad because they were making plans without him. and me being me, had an "i told you so" face the entire time. he was mad ofc, but i can't blame him bc i would be too. this mans proceed to book his own car so we can drive around as well.

moving on, we got settled in our second hotel. and ofc, the boys were like "let's go to a bar!!" so we went. they told me to make friends. but HOLD UP, not just "friends" but the "skinny asian friends" the ones that they can hang out and can "do." how fucking disgusting is that. ofc i made friends, but not the ones they would like. i really thought that they don't have standards bc they're 30 or almost 30 and just wants "girls" but ofc they got standards because they don't like F a g s. aksjfdhakjdfhakjfh I CANT BELIEVE THEY EVEN SAID THAT ABOUT THEM. the most genuine and nicest people i have met for a night that truly brought up my mood just called them "fat asian girls" when in fact they were polynesian!!!!!!! like dude, how fucking DISGUSTING ARE YOU!!! GUESS WHO HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL THEM THAT?? YOU GUESSED IT. M. the guy who doesn't even look like a 5. who in the world are you to call nice and PRETTY girls that way? you are a disgusting pig idc if you're my bf's friend.

as the night ended, we ended up getting dennys with one of the friends and my bf. got home and knocked out.

that's night 3.

night 4 oooooooooo

i woke up the next day and saw no one was in the room. they all left to return their cars.

stuck in the hotel with no key card and no guarantee when they'll be back. so i sulked, got pissed, AND WAS HANGRY. what the fuck????? leaving me in the corner of the room to drink and to not listen is wayyy better than leaving me in a room with no FOOD and having no hotel key to come back and take out food.

thats so fucking foul. disrespectful. disgusting.

eventually, they made it back to the hotel. with food.

ofc i was mad. lol. why would i be?

his friends were teasing me and asking me if I'm mad. tf i am. M starts berating me saying i made friends with the wrong girls. calling them the f a. g s. disgusting. kept that on the entire day i swear.

day goes by and we went shopping around the area, got gucci water, got LV perfume, and a kith hoodie.

getting ready for the club, bf stayed to get ready while the friends went out to get micky d's before the club to get carbed up. they come back with chicken nuggets for myself and bf, then guess what?? they got 2 fat meals for themselves to share... when they could've gotten 3 rice meals for us too?? where is the thought?? where is the sensitivity?? what kind of friends are they???

bf sensed my pissy mood and obv he caught on too. shared his thoughts on how unfair it was and ranted on how he's gonna get food too before the club. he even reFUSED to take a bite of whatever they're having bc apparently we're not worth the meal.

eventually, it was time to leave for the club.

we shared an uber and left. met up with two of their friends there.

then this is when the night gets interesting.

6 shots in and we got everyone dancing. this is also when a random girl starts dancing on the pole next to us. ofc the girl caught my bf's attention first. he said he's doing it for his friends and I'm like ok. so the girl brings the rest of her friends in. 3 other girls. and ooooooooooooooooooooo, guess what? M comes up to me and says, "hey THIS is the type of girls we want not those f a ag as. s" a complete eyeroll. yes, the girls were hot. i mean fuck everyone in the club was. now the boys got all their attention on them. one of them, D, the girl dancing onto each table was throwing herself onto one of our married friends AND my bf which i totally pushed her off of. others' is A, Ma, and L. M and L will be the most talked of. these girls are super nice and very mature. they were all in a nice state the entire time. M was putting himself into L most of the night while Ma caught the other two boys' attention. but eventually they were kicked out bc D blacked out.

after the club, we all went back to the hotel. M and two other guys went to pick up the girls to hangout bc they want THAT. my bf and the two other taken guys were chilling with me until my bf said he wants to follow them "to make sure they're alright." which in my opinion is one of the stupidest ideas ever. if they want to make bad decisions then just left them.

eventually i fell asleep.

the next day, they told me all about it.

bf said that they were scootering around the island and picked up M because he got "pissed" at one of his friends. the other guy eventually ubered back.

and ofc, M REMINDS ME that these are the girls i should befriend in the club. SIDE EYE.

this day was just a relaxing day. we just got brunch in the most expensive place ever (which is actually worth the price). i got a ride from one of the friend's auntie and took a nap.

we got ready to meet with their car group that's located in the island and ate Mexican dinner at this expensive ass taco place. but its chill. we got food and drank a lot. met like 4 titos that i didn't even know if they were being fr or joking for the most part but i kinda miss those vibes from the PH.

we finished eating and got a ride from two of them back to the hotel. ended the night.

last day for me and bf.

i woke up and got kona's bc ofc i need to stop by there every island visit. went to ABC to get my dad stuff and my friend some chocolates. went on a solo date at marugame then went back.

we left to shop again at the malls and got myself a matching set in kith. we made a video for our friend's bday then yeah that's ab it.

we packed up and left for our flight.

---

but do you see what i mean???

this whole trip was a whole ass MESS. not even just for me but i think for my bf too.

everyone is talking shit amongst themselves, and even this time, i bet they're still talking about me.

on top of that, M posted a recap post about the trip and had the audacity to post L and not even me when he spent 6 whole ass days with me.

i think this concludes my friendship with M if ever had one. i cannot accumulate more patience with this guy. its so fucking toxic and disgusting. i can't believe my bf is friends with him.

just because he got money and he has a good paying job does not mean SHIT. he literally will not help me in anyway if i asked him to. disgusting rat.

ruined the entire trip for me.

well, thats it. thats my entire rant. if i had the chance to turn back time, i would have not been nice to this guy at all. he deserve to eat my shit.

[midnightbedroom]

Storm Front

[midnightbedroom]

wtf laura posting twice in one day??

and its not even 4am yet :0

anyways, just had a talk with my cousin (and this is why she's my favorite cousin) and it was great!! had to openly understand and take in my emotions.

i know its rough rn but i will get through this.

i am stronger than i was yesterday.

i will get through this.

i will get through this.

[midnightbedroom]

ang sakit na.

bat parang ayaw ko na?

parati nalang akong nagtitiis pero ang sakit pa naman. sabi mo na maging okay na ang lahat after all of this?

bat nga ganyan?

di mo ba ako nirerespekto? bagay lang ba ang tingin mo sa akin?

di mo na kiniconsider yung nararamdaman ko.

bat parang ayaw ko na?

kung tutuloy ito, di ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa.

[midnightbedroom]

um hi

im back here again, and you know what that means!!

depressed laura lol

anyways, this has been the fastest and most draining month for me by far. I have been working non stop these past few weeks and it feels like it happened fast. im currently on my last two weeks of this 3rd summer class (which im so happy is ending) so im pushing through with school (still cant believe i finished two courses while i was in japan). the stress is overloading.

i think i have to talk about the main problem that i never really spoke on.

my dad just left to go retire in the philippines. and man, it hit me so hard. the times were going fast and it just happened like that. he left this wednesday with my mom, but my mom is coming back next month. we drove them to LAX and said our goodbyes (but we had a very heartly one the night before). and the feeling hasnt hit me until very recently. having no dad figure in the house really really really hits different. it feels like a part of me was just lost. i am so so so broken. it always comes back to thoughts where i felt like i shouldve been a better and loving daughter. like i couldve been better for him and gave him more love. i hate how regrets always come in late. but before he left, he told me that he was gonna come back anyways so i shouldnt worry that much. but you know me, ofc i do. im laura lol.

on top of that, my brother is moving out next week.

there's more.

my mom was thinking about leaving next year while luke wants to move to austrailia next year when my mom leaves.

why is everyone leaving me???

am i that hard to love??

like, its not fair.

the time when i actually feel settled in with my family is when they all leave. it was just getting better. i thought we were getting better.

why is it that when i finally become happy, something is always taken away from me? i was ready to open up more and to love more, but my heart is being ripped apart left to right.

being the youngest suck bc you just watch everyone leave one by one.

why did they think i was ready to survive by myself??

i just barely turned the age to drink.

why do i act so strong in front of them??

i am so weak inside. i am so fragile.

its so hard to survive when you can barely find anyone to lean on.

when can i find the grace to carry on from this?

i just want to breathe please.

please.

[midnightbedroom]

[midnightbedroom]

i need a hug.

[midnightbedroom]

it has been a WHOLE MINUTE since i've posted here (which is a good sign tbh)

my posts here are usually me ranting about how my life sucks but honestly it's been going great!

i find myself coming back here and talking bc i find it as my safe space and a whole ass diary for me to just pour my feelings on without being insecure of how people are going to react.

anywayssss, yes i actually have a lot going on lmao :,) i only got one more year until i get my degree so it's just the home stretch. i have been working a lot less recently, but i just got scheduled to work five days next week so thats kinda rough. i also recently been going back to the gym and i feel 100% better with how i view my body and how i feel with myself as well. my back problems kinda resolved itself when i started working out so i find that as a good sign.

one thing tho that led me back here is how shitty tonight was. yes i enjoy my job but not to the point where i feel imprisoned. i enjoy talking to my regular customers and whatnot but there comes to a time after my shift when i just want to relax and eat then talk to my boyfriend. sometimes i just don't feel like i'm wanted in general. my actions behind the scenes never gets acknowledged and i just felt like its all a waste of time. i always thought that karma was real and if i did good things then id receive good things back. i just feel very stupid sometimes idk i put in a lot of effort but it just doesn't get reciprocated back.

i just want to feel ok. i care too much so i just want it to seem like im not doing anything thats been taken for granted. i just want to live for once.

ok thats it. time to sleep.

[midnightbedroom]

why is it so hard to be happy.

im failing my class, i have little to minute happiness, i can't even laugh the same anymore.

when i hung out with jas today after school, when we were just cracking jokes in car, i realized how i couldnt laugh the same anymore. i realized how tragic my life is that i couldnt find the joy in between. my heart was so heavy when jas was having the time of her life but i was so lost in it. i wish i could the same. i wish i could feel the same exact joy she was feeling. how horrible does that sound.

not just that but its almost the end of the semester and i am failing this one class that is so horrendous and everyone is failing badly. i try to keep up but every time i fail to understand anything. i am a failure at state.

i also just turned 21 so im very tired and distressed. i get to drink without being worried of getting id'd and i get to do things legally now. but for this week, ive been drunk 5 out of 7 days and my serotonin and dopamine all maxed out. i have no motivation to do anything anymore. more so, i feel like i feel all the sadness that cane with it too. im starting to realize things more with that sense of guilt and depression. it just put my mood into a very unsettling and emotional path.

regardless, im ready for this year to end. im waiting until i can just finally get life over with.

[midnightbedroom]

back at it again with the thotttsss

well, yesterday was such a blast. and i mean that as an over exaggerated statement. i cried so much, maybe even more than the last time.

i havent gotten my pill refill and its almost been a week so many that explains the mood swings? but anyways, i was so ready to end it all yesterday.

this dude literally FORCED ME TO WALK HOME at 3am!!!! where there's literally strangers lurking in the dark. im dead. im such a simp. i literally do not deserve this.

ive had it bro. i keep telling myself that its enough but i keep going over and over it again. im so tough on myself but i have to be or else im just gonna get ran over again.

my eyes have never been this puffy ever since our relationship started.

yall i need some sense slapped into me rn.

help.

[midnightbedroom]

hello once again,

it's been a minute huh lol

update on life!!!

currently 3:50am

this summer was very very short. the start of it was my cousin coming down from maine for the entire summer. lots of traveling and spending lotsa money. we did a lot of hikes which mainly kept me in shape the entire summer. worked regularly too for about 3-4 days a week just to get enough money before the "actual" vacation.

my family and i, excluding the middle child, went to hawaii!!! i was very very excited, but also worried for the fact that my boyfriend and is family is tagging along too. i did the whole itinerary, food planning, transportation, and flight information for the entire party of 8. it was very stressful, but i also enjoyed my time because my family and i never really go out that much for anything, especially a vacation that's another state (and sea) away. hooray to spam musubi's!

but since it's a huge tourist spot, it also caused a dent in my wallet. i became an agent for a financial firm, opened my own policy, and on my way to promotion (hopefully). i went and got licensed for selling alcohol and policies. very heavy on me because i was studying for tests during the summer. so it was still productive in a sense, and also very tiring as well. f

regardless of my interesting summer, i also got promoted at work! pay raise to about $5 an hour with better sections and extra tips. after coming from back hawaii, i somewhat forgot how to serve rip. i feel like i need to get my feet wet again to actually remember how to give good service.

on the otherhand, i learned how to paddle board while standing up. i got very dark (3x darker than my foundation shade). i also learned how to properly plan!! i got my bullet journal ready for this semester.

moving on, school just started! it's my first year in sdsu as a transfer student. i got two more years to go and im ready for a bachelors degree. i got my associates degree in miramar so i'm already one step ahead than everybody. tuition was a pain in the ass tho. $4.2k for a whole ass semester with shitty times and bad professors. transfer student don't really get priority, but hopefully, next semester, i'll get a better schedule. i carpool twice with my boyfriend then once by myself. it's very doable since we do have the same time for some of our classes. starting off with 18 units was a bit harsh, but i'm going through with it. i just wanna graduate on time and dedicate myself on something i'd truly want to do. i might switch my major to IMC, but we never know.

at last, i'm this close to being legal to do anything i want. just two more months and i dont need hook ups anymore lol

here's to more than half of 2022!

[midnightbedroom]

i dont feel the same effort.

like honestly, ive been feeling so lonely. whenever i do something nice and out of the blue, i dont feel the effort being reciprocated.

ive always wanted a romantic relationship where we both surprise each other of gifts or anything that demonstrates how much we both care about the relationship. sometimes i just want a bouquet of flowers or a fucking letter that i can wake up with a smile to. its just so hard being the hopeless romantic when i expect the same from my partner, but it always feels onesided and it doesn't feel like im receiving what i am intended to.

but why do i feel bad for expecting something from my partner? why cant i just feel content for what we have? is it bad to want more?

whats so hard dropping some reassurance here and there? i give him so much time to play games and do whatever he wants, yet it seems like whenever i ask for his time, i feel like im depriving him from what he wants — which isnt being with me in that matter.

i just want quality time and having the presence to know someone is there whenever you need them. it never brought to my attention that i needed to give up more than what i can in order to receive such things. isnt that depriving me of what a relationship is supposed to be?

if this is what love is then its a fucking pain in the bootycheeks. :P

[midnightbedroom]

my heart is aching.

there's so many things going on and it's literally breaking to pieces. every tear physically hurts now.

i dont understand how one person cant be empathetic especially towards their girlfriend. you see them in pain, but your heart doesn't ache? you see them silently crying for help but you dont listen to their calls?

it physically hurts right now.

im in pain. im just quietly crying for help.

i just washed my sheets too so here's to the new tear stains.

[midnightbedroom]

currently praying for my enemy's downfall.