miladshawari-blog

[miladshawari-blog]

The things you are regretful for regret becoming one of your memories They hate being stuck in your present and dragged to your future They want to go home and live happily in the past

#dwellingonthepast

[miladshawari-blog]

Borderline Rage

Anger

It swirled around, like a raging storm inside of me. The anger, the pulsating inferno, it would build and rise then hover at the edge of my flesh like a wave intended on crashing. I swallow, and push it back down, willing it to go back in hiding and never show its ugly and foul self. I fight back the harsh words, clench my fists and squeeze my eyes shut.

Don’t lash out, don’t lash out. I repeat those words in my mind like a drill, willing myself to keep the vileness hidden. My body shakes, the heat radiates off me like the harsh sun on a hot and blazing day. I try so hard to not let it show but sometimes it gets so strong, to the point of being uncontrollable. The words come out of my mouth before I can stop them, my face twists with rage and darkness, suddenly I’m a monster and who I was before has left my body.

It’s an out of body experience as I hear myself screaming on the inside, a pleading voice yearning for me to stop, but the anger is consuming, and all hope has left. It’s lashing out and harming anybody who interacts with me, turning me into an atrocious being with no mercy. 

It’s red and sudden, the fury is wretched and unpredictable. It’s grim and horrendous. The anger bursts out and shows up over nothing and everything. It’s snapping and feeling rotten, it’s a burning sensation that’s won’t leave. It’s blazing eyes piercing into everyone I come into contact with, and feeling crazed and pathetic as I can feel the confused and judgmental gazes.

It’s feeling my sanity being crushed every-time it comes out into the open.

Borderline anger is intense and powerful, to the point of being inappropriate and wild like an untamed stallion, damaging anything in its way. It’s a terrible disease that has become a part of me, and refuses to leave.

It shreds my dignity and rips away friendships and relationships. The anger stands there and watches, smiling, as I suffer from the intensity.

My reputation fades away as people around me witness the ugly and vicious side of myself.

Fury and rage builds until it breaks me, and shatters my soul until there’s only bitterness and a strong hate that’s directed at myself, but I let it out on everyone around me because god forbid if I let myself take the blame and beatings.

It’s something that happens, almost every day, until it becomes a part of me.

I try so hard to keep the emotions of rage inside of me, telling myself over the years that its best to keep the anger internal and to not let it become external. I beat on myself and keep the anger pushed down to the bottom, where it can’t be seen by the outside. It destroys me from the inside, and I rot in its presence.

Those moments though, where the anger barges through my flesh like an incoming train, and becomes external, I feel powerless against it and I no longer have control and it’s spinning wildly.

Then when it’s over, and everything is said and done, I realize the damage that I’ve done, and the anger creeps back into me and I’m suddenly the victim of my own destruction. It laughs in the background, as I must deal with consequences of what it did and said, and I’m stuck listening to the same old lectures of needing to control my temper.

The anger, most of the time, is quiet and invisible to those around me, and I am the victim of its wrath. But, there are times, where it can also be loud and deafening. 

It’s a vicious cycle, one that ruins me, and everything around me.

[miladshawari-blog]

do it for the look on their faces when you prove them wrong. do it for the feeling of finally reaching your goal. do it for those who love you and will always be proud of you. do it for your future. do it for those you’ll be able to help. do it for your eternal thirst for knowledge. do it for your past self, who never stopped believing in you. do it for the new opportunities and possibilities. do it for yourself.

[miladshawari-blog]

sometimes i feel like i can be toxic to the people around me. i harbor so many ill, shitty feelings inside, and eventually i just pour them all onto everyone and everything surrounding me. of course i don’t mean to.. but sometimes i have no control over it. or.. over myself i guess i should say. i try to be - and stay - as positive as humanly possible, but fuck. i’m so tired. i’m tired of never having an outlet. i’m tired of being everyone else’s outlet and not being thought of in return. i don’t mean to be sad all the time but i genuinely can’t even help it. i could probably get better at attacking problems and situations as they present themselves so that i don’t always do these massive blow up things. but.. i haven’t reached that point of detachment just yet. i’m still working on me. still a work in progress. hopefully, i get better. at being a better person. soon. or someday, atleast.

Reyna Biddy (via reynabiddy)