mindmmxvii

[mindmmxvii]

Lawnmower Man

Blog, you may be asking yourself “Why are you called Lawnmawer Man post?”. Well I have an answer for you. Apparently if you google 20, one of the results is an article on how some AV company is rebooting it. Well after watching the trailer, it is being added to the top of my movie list. LAWNMOWER MAN 2: BEYOND CYBERSPACE has an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. Heck. Yes. Also researching Matt Frewer led me to Max Headroom. So thank you number 20.

Work with sister her goals

Spoke with Mum about her house

Decided on a final price for my house

So, blog you may or may not notice that I am writing this Saturday afternoon. That is because, while I had every intention of writing it first thing this morning, that did not happen. Next week I am going to focus on a wake up and sleep routine, which is why I wanted to write it firs thing this morning. There is a story behind that but you’ll have to wait till tomorrow. :)

So today... I took a work vehicle home last night because I knew I was going in early to a client who is not exactly close to my house. Was a good early morning drive with lots of fog and The newest Expanse. I read most everything on audio book these days, so I wasn't being unsafe. I know how you worry blog. I don’t read as quick as I used to, too many other things to think about while driving, but I’m really enjoying the newest release. If you haven’t picked it up yet, I seriously recommend at least the first in the series. There is also a TV show, with a new season coming out (woo!).

Work was well, work. Not much to touch on there. I’ve actually been on call all this week and haven't had a single after hours issue (I say this while knocking on wood). On call means you have to be available on weekends and evenings for any high priority issues that appear. So I have been fortunate to not have any interruptions yet. After I played some guitar, ran, 7 min workout, and had dinner with the sis. We watched another episode of Westworld, we are up to episode 7. Still no major twists that I didn’t at least partially see coming, but the writing and plot are of HBO quality. Also may I say Teddy is a bad-ass.

My sis and I worked on a flyer for her dog walking service, got some additional details on health insurance for her, and work on some conversation skills. Things are still slow going, especially on the conversation side but we are getting closer to making some money. We are however not close on the health insurance front and the deadline is the 31th of this month. I thought my Dad was going to be able to add her to his work plan but that’s not the case. We are back to the open exchange. Have to follow up with them Monday as that’s the next time they are open. Making that a priority as we need to get coverage for her to seek a therapist and some other services I think I need.

On the conversation side, I have been trying to be as frank as possible with her in an attempt for her to understand when she sends signals when talking. For example, she has a way of always replying to your questions by saying a response but raise her pick at the end, making it a question in return. Like she isn’t sure of what to say to make me leave her alone. I could write all day about the little changes we've made to curtail her conversational quirks. I hope they start to have a more noticeable impact, but even if they don’t I’m sticking to my guns. Eventually one of us will crack and I hope it’s not me! uggggg

My Mum dropped by so we can watch her dog tomorrow, as she is working a double shift. I tried to speak about her house and some next steps we can do but she would have none of it. I compromised and said we could talk Sunday evening. Going to be difficult helping her from a far. Plus shes my Mother not my sister. It’s more awkward. I have to shuffle around and say what we need to do without directly instructing her to do so. Plus everything has to be on her time. At least with my Sis I can tell her exactly when we are doing things.

I showered and worked on converting some of my old hand written posts to here. My handwriting is horrible... I suppose I have to accept that for now. Only so many things I can work on at once I have found. I surfed the web a bit and found this AMA on Reddit. I signed up for his offers right away. Travel is one of those sticky subjects I really wanted to ignore. I was/am afraid of moving from my comfort zone but at the same time know there are better things out there. Honestly I have known for a while that travel was in my future but yeah I just didn’t think my future was all that bright. It was a convenient way for me to push away all my troubles and 

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19

Of all the blog pages in all the domains in all the internet... well welcome again Blog. We’ll go over really quick how my day has been.

Volunteer for GPG (Gateway Pet Guardians)

Sisters orientation for GPG

I slept pretty well today, which is good because I need to stop feeling so tired all the time. I think part of the problem may be with my routine, like I believe I have mentioned before. Anyway, work was pretty quick and uneventful. Today was a lot of waiting for others to do their jobs and not a whole lot of accomplishment. What was noteworthy was the volunteering after work.

Right after work, my sister Bek and I volunteered for GPG which was really great. She was able to interact with others in a safe way where neither party was expecting too much. She loves dogs and it really showed as she just broke out of some of her introvert tendencies and opened up. I think this means more time at GPG for me which is a great thing.

Speaking of my sister, she has been having some trouble recently with activities which I can certainly relate to. She hasn’t been keep her word on somethings and simple punishment, like asking forcefully or setting specific times, isn’t working. On the way back we decided on conversational guidelines, like trying to keep a conversation going with more than one word answers, as well as stopping non-answers as I call them. The non-answers are “I don’t know” “maybe” “sometimes” “something”. Anytime I have to ask the same question twice basically. Just need to start teaching her how to interact with others in the world.

After that, I crashed the end of some friends DnD world building session. I created a character and I may actually join their campaign. Not really sure yet if I am up for it but I may get some good out of it. I played a little guitar followed by a little research. At first it was on sleep and some of the science behind how we dream and what short wave sleep is. That led me to a Ted Talk on traveling the world which honestly intrigues me. Traveling the world with almost no money. Which led me to think about that prospect and how scary and motivating it is. He has lot’s of other info at his website, which I started to read through then realized how late it was getting.

Food for thought. I mean, the prospect of moving to a different was scary enough for me a few months ago when I was happy to just be content. I’m not sure if traveling the world is the logical next step but what is? Everytime I say no to something means there is a little bit of me that isn’t being formed, there is some little chip that is sheared off who I could be. Right? Not really sure and I’m dead tired. 

Cheers -mind

[mindmmxvii]

Android 18

Hey-o Blog. It’s wednesday and what a wonder of a day. Ah well it’s been less stressful than recent days. Lets list.

CRZ Inspected

Increase run distance

More Sister issues

Today started a bit quickly. I woke up right before 8 and went to my client I was working on late last night. Things went pretty smoothly, there and at my next few visits. We had a state of the union at work, our quarterly review (with free pizza!) which was good and bad. The good was seeing positive growth and us hitting our goals for last quarter. The bad was learning we aren’t looking to expand to other geographical locations at this time. Going to have a chat with my direct report as to exactly what that means. I haven’t dedicated a blog post to this subject but moving is a sore spot for me now. I know I won’t enjoy life as much if I only live in STL my entire life but I also know there are lots of reasons to stay here. Now I potentially have another reason to stay. Ah it’s something I need to think about but not right now.

Rest of work was pretty normal, right after my Dad drove me to pick up my CRZ. Good guy Dad. We hung together until around 9PM. He asked me some awkward questions about why I was acting a little off and I deflected a bit. I love my Dad but I’m not at a point where I want to talk with him about my issues. It wouldn’t be helpful and I don’t need another person telling me how things are going to get better. We parted ways and I contacted Sasha for the first time this year. It was a semi-awkward interaction where I basically gave her the ok to hang out with our mutual friends. She had been avoiding group conversations and the such which I assumed was an attempt to make things easier on me but in reality only made things stick out like a sore thumb. I also told her I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened, which was true. I basically never want to see her again. I just can’t punisher her for my mistake.

It was eerie how calm the conversation was, how much we each apologized for basically anything and tried to make things seem alright while not touching the elephant in the room. It’s eerie because we act so much alike. Opposites attract, and vice versa right?

Rest of the night was my routine. Run (3 miles today!), 7 min workout and dealing with sister. My sis recently received a laptop from me as a “You’re doing a great job!” gift. I also took that gift back today as she has not beeing doing a great job with her daily responsibilities and her attitude has not improved much, though I try to point out exactly what she can do differently. I think that it’s an out of sight out of mind thing. She can zone on her computer and or on the TV for hours and not notice that things need to get done. The new rule of doing work before play was not upheld today. So tomorrow, she is getting up at 7 AM and going to start working on the leaves and other such things she failed yesterday. I’m trying to be as real as possible with her and explain cause and effect. We are getting there but gosh it’s a slow process.

It’s nearly midnight again, I’m really struggling to fit an entire day’s worth of stuff in and still get to bed at a good time. I really want to start getting up earlier and do some of my activities then but I feel like I need to catch up on sleep before I do so. These last two nights have been good, perhaps I’ll start next week with a morning oriented start. OH also I have been hand writing my blogs for the past couple of days, trying to improve my handwriting but I’m stopping that. It’s takes wayyy to long and there are other better ways to improve if I really want to. Only so much I can take on at one time so I’ll focus on the important stuff for now.

So much more I could talk about but I really don’t have time. Good night Blog, you sweet electric love.

cheers -mind

[mindmmxvii]

xvii

Hello blog. While my last couple entries were anything but cheery, today I’m hoping to change the tone. I’m getting some more of my stability back and some of my energy. List time.

Artemis!

All the daily activities I started in 2017

Not a whole lot on the list-o-rino but today was more of a me day. I woke right on time and went in excited about the day. Today I was on-boarding one of our new clients who happen to run several magazines in the area. From speaking with some of them before hand, they seem like a really chill place with interesting people. I’m glad to say I was not disappointed! I met food critics, fashion reporters, art critics, I even met some one else who volunteers at Gateway Pet Guardians! I learned about several restaurants opened last year that are amazing and got some tips on a new wardrobe, which is really nice because I need to refresh lots of things. It took the entire day to get through everyone but I enjoyed all of it.

After work, I checked on my Sister and she had taken care of all the items she missed yesterday. Which is really good because there are days like these where I can’t follow up with her to make sure she is completing her jobs. I think all in all Becky is growing in her time with me but it’s frustrating to no end when I see her close in and ignore everything. She will have the best intentions to complete a task when I ask her, then forget about it as time goes on. Her brain is wired to forget things very quickly and I wish there was an easy way to flick a switch and have her understand the importance of remembering what she at for breakfast this morning. Or the name of a song she heard earlier, or what she has been doing for the past hour. There will be days I ask her what she did and I think she honestly has trouble remembering what she looked at on the internet or things she has done.

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16

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15

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14

Cleaning house

looking at recipes

House appraisal report

Errands & new goal

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13

Heathy eating start

Restructered calorie count

Additional work with sis

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Midnight

Hey Blogzilla. You should stay awhile and listen to my story. Well it’s really more of a list...

Camaro inspection PASS

House Inspector

Camaro plates!

Clean clean house house

Well today started quite early, as I said in my blog yesterday. My friend James, same one who is interested in my house, met me at the repair shop around 6:30 this morning. It should have been 6 but I must have slept through my alarm, or it didn't go off. Me and mornings have a ways to go still. We spoke briefly in the car about work, life, and Transformers. It was a really nice start to the day.

I finished some expense reports I had pushed off yesterday evening then made some Earl Gray while enjoying a Penn Station cookie for breakfast. Yeah, we are starting on that calorie count first thing haha. Eventually I had to leave for a client visit which ended up being a little weird. It was for a school district and they needed remote access to monitor some HVAC equipment. *prepare for technomumbojumbo* I gave the device a static IP address, VLAN’ed it off from the rest of the network, and forwarded the required UDP port through the firewall. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get remote access from his laptop connected on a hotspot. I even ran a port scan which said it was open! Only thing I could think of was that the equipment required more ports and they just didn’t state it in the online manual Anyway, we set up client VPN access to allow connection but it seems like a rather bloated solution that could have been way more elegant. Right after that, I went to another client who requested to have a fax line setup. After toning the line down to the basement, 2 floors away from the punchdown, I decided online E-Fax would be a better solution. No wayyyy were they going to shell out the money to run that line. Both of these weird visits were tickets I took over from others but hey they are done now.

After the crazy work times, I had Lunch with my sister and caught another episode of Westworld. The show is starting to get interesting and I think I see several places for it to really expand and wow me. I’ve heard amazing things but I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic. I then drove my CRZ to the repair shop so it can get state and emissions, while also picking up my Camaro. As I stated above, it passed! On my way back to the office I briefly met with a house appraiser who took pictures and measured everything. He said he will get back to me Saturday with an estimate. I made another client visit and bee lined straight to the downtown DMV. After a little waiting... plates for my Camaro! I slapped those suckers on right away. Shiney. I think that checked off one of my major short term goals, so that’s a really good feeling. I mean driving while looking over my shoulder for a cop had become so second nature for me. I guess it’s an ok habit to get into, no surprises if you decide to risk that red light, but it will be nice to just relax with the top down. Well maybe once it warms up a bit. Unless I sell the Camaro before then. Now I’m having second thoughts on selling. :-/

We’ll deal with that later. For now I need my Camaro. Next was checking with Bek to make sure that she was sticking to her goals and timelines, followed by cleaning and organizing. I’m not worrying about packing too much at this stage, really I just wanted to get rid of all the excess stuff I had accumulated. With all my hobbies, from nerf, to drones, to airsoft, to plastic working, to 3D printing, to fixing cars + motorcycles, to sugar gliders, to Artemis and other cosplay, to podcasts, to minecraft, to Dungeons and Dragons, to computers, to guitar, to songwriting, to gah well whatever strikes my fancy. Anyway, things are getting pretty close to being done. I don't think I am going to hit my deadline of the 13th, so I am going to push it back to Sunday the 15th. Should be able to go through the last couple places by then. Also going to move my healthier diet goal to Saturday. I can plan to hunker down all day with that. 

The rest of the day was filled with all the activities I started since the beginning of the year. Exercise, going over my calories, 3D max white strips (which I think are working!), and of course talking to you Blog. Also can I just say as a side note how hard it is to keep the humidity in my basement at acceptable levels? I have to switch between the humidifier and the dehumidifier almost on a daily basis. It’s all due to the crazy St. Louis weather we always have. It was 60 yesterday and we are looking at a ice storm late tonight.. Also I have my blood test set for tomorrow at 8:15AM so I hope the storm doesn’t throw anything off.

Goah, my life is so different now as opposed to just a month ago. I mean I don’t think I have changed that much, at least the core of who I am, I just find it curious how my days have changed also how my perspective has changed. I used to think I never had time for things, or wondered how I’d squeeze things in. Really, I had plenty of time that was just squandered on video games. Whole evenings would be lost while I do basically nothing. Those days were really satisfying actually. Even now, I think about lapsing and just playing for a few hours, or just saying screw it. I haven’t though. I’ve kept to what felt most productive. Well most the time. There are moments where I just zone out on youtube. I mean In theory I should cut that out but I need some zone time, ya know? I went from all zone all the time to almost none, so I don’t want to push any limits and cause an even bigger relapse from completely depriving myself of all leisure activity. I know at least that’s not healthy.

I still feel the sinking feeling all time. I haven’t given it a name because I don’t want to think about it. I want to move on to the next activity or next thought to push it away... for now at least. It’s like a weight, a literal weight on me. It’s entropy, pulling me back and deny me my future. Funny I mention my future because I really haven’t been thinking about that either. I suppose I also don’t really want to think about that now either. So much is up in the air, in regards to my health, mental or other wise. I have been thinking about maybe seeing a therapist. Part of me screams no, that I am perfectly able to handle my own demons in due time. It seems like a thought 2016 me would have. 2016 me, the worst version of me. Darkest timeline.

I’ve got so much real shit to deal with but I just can’t right now. Blog, as I have said before, you are amazing to sit here and listen to me. Letting this out, even in this context, is... I can’t even think of a word. I think I am slowly realizing I need... someone. Right after I just pushed most people further away. I’m not even sure how to open dialog with some of my friends. It’s a weird. Life is weird. Going to sleep now, let’s hope I have a spirit vision or a dream quest or something.

Cheers -mind

[mindmmxvii]

Jane Ives

OMG TUMBER WTF. It didnt post my post from yesterday and only kept the one draft I had. Admittidly, I did swap laptops half way through because I was getting low but still WTF. Maybe I didn't his the post button correctly? Well at any rate going to double check to make sure things go through from now on.. aggravating :/

Anyway, welcome back Blog to my semi-boring life. Let’s look at things we can check off our human list.

Camaro codes set so I can get it inspected!

Started budget

Healthy eating recipes

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X

Blogy blog blogggggggggggg. Get ready for an awesome update on my super important stuff.

Permit for Sis

Assist sis with her items

GPG (Gateway Pet Guardians)

So! My work day started around 9 AM after doing a 7 min workout and having a banana. Yummy bananas. Today I ended up looking at some A/V equipment and finding a solution for displaying to multiple tv’s at once and a few other tid bits. A little out of the norm so I was glad to have the variety. I could bore you with the details but suffice to say it was an interesting morning. I had my famous talipia for lunch after which my sister an I decided to knock some items off her list.

First we checked her old permit to find that it was still valid! Small victories

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[mindmmxvii]

Nein

Hello Blog, how’s your blogosphere? Is it chilly like our atmosphere? Do you even have seasons or weather over there? Well if you don’t you aren’t missing much right now, though I have to admit I’m partial to the warm. Funny how I was considering moving to a place known as the windy city then. Anyway, on to things of more substance.

See the doc

Help Sis make goal list (much like mine)

I woke up at 9 today, considering I went to bed after 1. Did a quick 7 min workout, showered and took Al back to my Dad’s house. Work went pretty smoothly. Monday’s are typically a slower catch up day and today was no exception. I went by my favorite client for our 10 AM Monday onsite visit and was greeted by cookies and oatmeal (weeee). I had lunch at home and made a few pit stops for work before showing up for my doctor appointment. I was strangely calm all things considering. I filled out the patient forms and waited for my NextDoor recommended doctor. When the doc came, I told him everything. Well everything that pertained to me medically.

I explained that for the past... 7 years? I have been slowly having more and more heart issues. I explained about the one weekend where I woke at 4 am due to my heart beating so rapidly... Up until the sleeplessness and chest pain recently. I explained how it has been a slow decline in my heart’s “stamina”, that doesn't usually affect me during the daytime but has plagued me during times of relaxation or sleep. I went over how I sometimes feel spasms in my muscles at times, how I would wake up with no pulse in one extremity and after moving around slowly geting it back, about how I would have pain in one leg in sync with my pulse that would slowly fade away, or the terrified race my heart would have during the day at the early stages. God thinking back I must have sounded like a mad man or a hypochondriac. Maybe I am? Honestly I’ve never written down all the “symptoms” I have had, I’m sure I could have gone on longer if I prepared.

He was exceedingly nice and went to great lengths to make me feel comfortable while I was talking. He even brought me tea. He then proceeded to take my pulse, blood pressure, then sent me down for an ECG and a Holter monitor. Now an electrocardiogram (ECG) is basically where they hook little probes up to your chest and monitor the electricity of your heart for a little bit. It gives you a quick snapshot of how your heart is pumping. The test was painless, just hooking cold gel things up to my chest and laying down. A Holter monitor is basically a longer version of an ECG. As I type this I have little probes attached to my chest that are recording every beat my heart makes. I’ll keep it on for 24 hours then give it back so they can go through the data. Oh last thing is blood work, which I will do tomorrow, provided they have openings for me. The ECG readings and other minor checks, are available right away, so walking back to his office had me... hopeful? I have had physicals and blood work in the past years but I never told anyone of my problems, so they never dug too deep. I wanted these results to come back quick and for him to say “Oh look, you have some heart disease!”. I just wanted to know the problem so I could fix it. Haha see I want to fix my hard problems now, instead of ignoring them.

I didn’t get that. My blood pressure was 110/60, heart was at 55 bps, and the ECG all looked normal. He said the ECG and heart beat was a little on the low side but that was normal for very healthy people. Honestly I’m not too surprised as I am feeling great today and plus why would one visit to the doctor magically find my problem? I needed to show them my problem when it was happening. Sleeping would do that. Playing video games will also do it. I’m not even going to touch that statement right now.. So much to examine with my priorities and where they were at... Ugg. Anyway, looking at me, you would think “oh he is a physically fit skinny person, there is nothing wrong with him!”. I’m sure that’s what the doc thought, as he then proceeded to prescribe me sleeping meds. He had mentioned them before when we were talking, maybe he thinks I am just trying to scam him for some pills? I was throwing symptoms around like a monkey who just found some poo. mrahh I’m a mess.

I left shortly after and I figured my only hope at this point is to try my best to have the most restless sleep of my life so they catch some weird shit tonight. Ha, first night in a long time I hope I don’t have a full nights rest. I decided that I deserve a little treat so I stopped by Penn Station on the way home. First time eating out, by myself, this year actually. I get a 12″ veggie, a small fry, and a cookie (don’t tell them but I always steal an extra cookie, I’m such a kleptomaniac). I stuff my face as soon as I get back to my basement and watch the newest It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode. Humm I’m content. So I suppose people are right when they say happiness is a full belly, because today is the first day I went over my calorie count! I did so fantastically, like almost 900 calories over (not counting my activity for the day). Fast food, and cookies, strike again.

I dive into my guitar and play for a couple hours. I’m feeling better at this point so I grab my sister and we talk major shop. We decided to make a list exactly like mine and slowly work toward some agreed upon goals. We got her signed up for GPG (Gateway Pet Guardians) and had some pretty exhausting conversations about her aspirations and where she sees herself in a year or two. It’s a slow thing but I think I am reeling her out of her fantasies. They are a great place but we can’t stay there for any meaningful amount of time without causing damage. Sometimes irreparable damage.

Now I’m sitting in bed after my normal bedtime activities wondering about what this means for me. I mean, I told someone about my issues, something well I never thought would happen. I told him and I’ve told you blog. Well I really havn’t actually. I haven’t told you, Blog, the reasons that brought me here. How when it first was happening, when I would pace for hours till I thought my heart would calm down the entire time wide eyed and freaked. How I told my Dad and he said it was nothing to worry, just to deal with it, that we didn't want the ER visit expenses. At the time I was not insured for health care. I haven’t explained how 6 months later I finally found a job and had money to afford health care, then about 3 months later I mustered up the courage to see some one and admit my problem. I saw a doctor my family has been to who ran some tests (ECG I think and something else that x-rayed my heart) and gave me a pep talk about how I was most likely going to die. Honestly the entire talk seems like a fever dream at this point. I don’t remember a lot of the finer details but he made my situation seem like it would lead to a short lifespan. That doctor died a short time after that and I haven’t told anyone else of our conversations. I haven’t thought about that day in a long time. I dwelled on it so much at the time, and as time went on I just wanted to ignore it. 

I was more of a carefree person but I changed to a more focused and analytical person after that. I honestly had faced the prospect of death before that day, on the numerous occasions I had thought I may be dieing when I would have one of my episodes. I was slowly but surely coming to grips with my own death. I didn’t want to die, just if it happened, it happened. I wasn’t going to sit around worrying about it when I most likely didn't have time to spare anyway. As I was saying, things became more clear. If they didn’t help me in the short term, then why was I doing them? College? Not worth it. Investments? Nah. Marriage? Irrelevant. I wasn’t a psychopath or uncaring though. I found I really couldn’t be completely selfish. I ended up taking out two life insurance policies, why burden my family financially when I’m gone? Marriage wasn’t for me but I still got the most out of longer relationships, so I had two 3+ year relationships since that time. Both were still ruined by me and choices that favored the short term.

We are all still animals and subject to the bodys wants. I have sexual urges and I figured with my new outlook on life, I should act on them as much as I wanted. I could end up hurting people but in the end I could just move on, it’s not like I could have built something to last even if I wanted to. I worked on things that mattered to me and ignored many of the problems in my life for a long as I could. I was a wholly good person, but I sometimes did things because I wanted to get the most out of my experiences. If I ever got the urge to do something that may upset someone, I put myself first and acted.

Man blog, I feel like I am rambling now. Glad you could listen to me drone on forever. Well things came to a climax recently and I fucked up so majorly, it flipped my switch. I mean I think I actually want to live. It’s like typing those words gave them new meaning, like they aren’t fragile anymore, they won’t just float away. I figured I’d be dead by now back when I first made my decisions, but here I am typing away, apparently a very healthy person according to my doc. 

I’m not afraid anymore. To care and cherish, to embrace my feelings I cut off so long ago, to explore what the rest of my life could hold, to just plan for more than what I can get right now. It breaks me to say these things though because I may have health issues. I’m not sure what I would do if I was told all over again that my long term plans would most likely be fruitless, that these big questions didn’t need answering, that love isn’t for me. I’m sitting here crying I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose her. maybe I need support but I’ve made sure I’m doing this alone. Why does this hurt so bad?

Ha I didn’t mean to offend you blog, you andI are in this togther. Typing things out to you is... it’s collecting my thoughts and giving me time to process them. You are invaluable to me now blog and I would hate to lose you. Well look at me. It’s past 1 AM again. Ah I thin I’ve split enough of my guts, I need sleep. Horrible horrible restless sleep. My bed is so empty now I can spread out and never touch another soul.

to cheers -mind

[mindmmxvii]

Straight 8

Hello blog! Wonderful to see you again. No gloominess today, promise. I was a big homebody as I really only left to eat with friends, well and for my exercise. Oh also! I forgot to mention yesterday that I dropped by to visit my Dad and take care of his dog, AL, for the weekend! Super awesome. We hung out for most of the day and he’s still chillin with me now. He is a wonderful dog but has separation issues. Anytime I, or the person he is latched on to, leaves he starts crying and howling a bit. Still a puppy so he’ll get over it in time, just very cute and sad for now. Let’s do the list.

Kept up with Workout/dental care/calorie tracker

Major progress on a clean house

Yeah, so basically today was all cleaning house. I did wake up pretty late, around 11:30, so half of the “day” is gone right there. I slammed down some chili my roommate, Michael, was gracious enough to share. After another episode of Westworld, my sister Bek and I went about sorting and sacking all my stuff. This wasn’t the sort of general cleaning, it was getting into the closets and back rooms to really clean everything you didn’t want out. I’m prepping my stuff for a move and I always travel lightly. 

After hauling some unsalvageable things to the trash and the rest to my car to donate, I took Al on a 3 mile run with me. I did a 7 min workout and started right back on cleaning up the computers around my house. Basically these are the computers that avoided being donated either because they were still pretty new or of some value. I wiped then all and put a fresh operating system on them. Got their drivers installed and set windows updates to go. This whole process actually took several hours and dinner was quickly approaching, as well as the first official meeting for our Artemis group in 2017! Woo! A few friends headed my way and we got Noodles and Company. Really quick as a side note, I hit my calorie count of 2,300! Today and I got pretty close yesterday. So I think I am getting better at tracking/eating the correct amount.

The meeting was pretty standard affair. We decided on a day to meet, then by the end we decided we couldn’t meet that day. We spent about an hour trying to get Artemis to work and only playing a single round but it still happened. We actually have a full crew this year, which is nice as we can really focus on our respective roles. Artemis isn’t a great game but the action and fun that happens when you play with a group of like minded people is an experience you can get few other places. Plus you get to feel like Picard. Also I just googled Picard and found this gem. So enjoy.

I sat around with my guitar for a while and just jammed. I go through phases of guitar, where I really get into it and play it almost everyday. Then after a while I just get out of it. I actually hope that I stick with it this time, it’s a skill I have but haven’t honed. I’ll learn a song or a riff, then forget it as time goes on. Maybe I’ll make that a goal? Food for thought. A nice day all in all. I’m feeling a little recap action, Blog. Lets go over what we can mark off our list so far. Now keep in mind, I have been editing the list since I posted it on here, so there may be new items.

1/3 PCP (primary care physician) 1/3 Daily Blog (this thing!) 1/3 Bek DMV online tests 1/3 Calorie Tracking App 1/3 Workout App(s) (MyFitnessMap, 7 Min Workout) 1/3 Dental care (Crest White Strips, Arm & Hammer Radiant) 1/3 Gateway Pet Guardians 1/3 Reduce drinking 1/3 Reduce eating out 1/3 Walk away from addictive Video Games 1/4 Workout regimen 7 min workout 1/5 Battery for Camaro 1/6 Find major next steps on house 1/6 Insurance for Camaro 

Now some of these are on-going things I will keep working on but they are set in place, which is the important part for me. This week has been a whirlwind of activity and emotions. It’s superficial change for now but that’s the slow and steady march of progress. On the flip side of things let’s see what I have planned to complete this week (I’m sure this will change).

1/10 Prompts for sis 1/10 Permit for Sis 1/13 Clean my house/prep for sale 1/13 Plates for Camaro 1/13 House appraised 1/13 House inspected 1/13 Inspection for Camaro 1/13 Inspection for CRZ 1/13 Redo budget 1/13 Healthier diet

So to start things off, tomorrow or Tuesday I hope to sit my sister down and talk with her about expectations and make some goals with her. Much like the goals I am making for myself actually. Hope to get her permit so she can start driving me places (joking). Thought I really don’t like driving. Rest of the week will be focused mainly on continuing the prep of my house for sale and getting my Camaro legal. I’ve usually shied away from routine but I’m going to do my best to try and develop one this week too. We’ll see how it goes since it’s already past my bed time today. Oh well! Your’e worth it blog. Well this pretty much concludes my mostly analytical post. Blog you have your self a wonderful Monday and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Cherrio -mind

[mindmmxvii]

7

Had one of the most awkward evenings of my life today. Saw a stranger where there once was relationship. Felt insecure where once I had a rock. Felt I should avoid where once I knew I was included. Wall block my retreat and my progress. It’s surreal. The only word that fits for me. On to things I can actually wrap my brain around right now.

First Volunteered day at GPG (Gateway Pet Guardians)

Hit my calorie count!

Further Camaro work

Resisted drinking

Didn’t break

Ah god, the last one I think takes the cake for today. I really haven’t explained much of my past and I still want to wait a bit longer for those juicy juicy deets. Mainly because it's 1:30 and I’m feeling just drained. I didn’t break though. I didn’t start crying or yelling or just sit in a corner or suddenly leave. I’m so practiced in faking how I feel that I smiled and waved and joked and everyone mostly bought it. Almost everyone.

The day started with some volunteer work for GPG. I enjoyed it so much! I met all the doggo’s and walked two of them. I already have a favorite! Her name is Choco and I already can’t resist her puppy dog stare. I spent a few hours cleaning and prepping food and talking with staff about the guardian program, how to foster, and potential training opportunities. Being a guardian would mean that I would basically take “ownership” for a dogs development. I think I went over this before but I am very interested in this as I really would love a dog but am still not sure if I have time for one. Especially with everything I am taking on right now.

I met my friend James for lunch and ate out for the first time this week (for me that’s a huge departure from the norm). This also helped me reach my calorie count for today as apparently greasy food is just jammed packed with those buggers. James and I spoke on house stuff after which I took my Camaro into the shop only to find I would have to do additional work to have it pass inspections. Apparently there are certain codes on my car that will not reset unless they are driven a certain amount after the battery dies. Ugggg so that’s pushed back till Monday. I’m pretty used to looking out for cops by now so no biggie.

Rest of the day was spent running/7 min workout, then getting ready for a party at my friend Edward's place. Which is the place where things really went down hill. I’m not looking to avoid my problems, quite the opposite actually. Somethings I just fuck up so badly my presence only fucks it further. Gah I really can’t even put words down about it right now. I just need sleep.

cheers -Mind

[mindmmxvii]

6 solo

It’s funny how I used to relish the days that I would get to spend in the silence of my basement. Look forward to long evenings of sitting right where I am at now and throwing myself into whatever video game struck my fancy. Without those distractions, I’m not able to push aside my inner doubts or regrets. Realizing how you how slowly pushed many of your friends out of your life, or maybe how almost nothing of consequence you did last year really helped anyone but yourself? Would be much easier if I could just throw myself into a virtual world where I would have other priorities. The easy way won’t get me what I want in the long run, at least I have that figured out.

Suck it up boy-o cuz Friday’s coming at cha.

Battery for Camaro/ inspection set

Work on Song

Clean da house

Seems like the list is smaller then I thought it would be. I suppose I should get used to that as the items are only going to get harder and harder to accomplish. I woke up late (again) but I am getting better (kinda). I am at least getting to bed close to midnight each day. There would be times in the past where I would stay up to 2 AM on a semi regular basis, so small victories. I’m going to blame my sleepiness on two things... I never feel rested after I sleep. I think I am tossing and turning wayyyy more then I am used to. I mean, I’ve always been able to fall asleep quickly, something many people are jealous of, but my quality of sleep is really poor. If I go to bed at 11PM or 2AM and wake up at the same time, I will mostly just feel the same through out the day. Mastering the art of always being tired has been essential for me. I’m like the sleepy Hulk. Second thing I’ll blame it on is my sleep schedule, as I have become accustom to waking up between 9-10 most days. I need to readjust because waking up early seems like another step that could give me perspective.

So after sleeping in for a bit I was called for an emergency at work. One of our clients needed a couple things completed yesterday and another tech was unable to accomplish. Naturally, I arrive onsite and save the day. Once done there, I saved more days at a school, fixing their shitty RADIUS WiFi network. Helping others gives you some positive vibes, or at least I hope it does for most people. Yummy positivity. Rest of the day was fairly low key. While at lunch I had my battery replace (under warranty) so now my red devil is up and running. Just need plates and he’ll be free to fly. I called my buddies auto shop and set an appointment to have safety and emissions done. It’s sad to think I am doing all this working to to sell eum off. I mean, that car and I have been through some stuff. First complete spin out on slippery ice, first time I got to second base, first time getting a ticket doing 120 in a 55. I may have taken the speed limit signs as more guidelines when I was younger.

I finished work a little early and went home to dive into my guitar. I played some tunes to let out some anxiety and wasted time on YouTube. Very therapeutic, looking at random ass videos that in no way mean anything besides a quick smile or laugh. I finally pulled myself away to clean out some more areas in my house. I never thought I would be a pack rat type of person but man have I acclimated some shit over these past 5 years. While rooting through things I found my old classical guitar tablature which set me back on my guitar. Fancy that because I wrote a little bit of a song on my guitar. I’ll put some lyrics here for now, think I want to tinker with the sound of it some more.

Falling sands, waits for none Cutting lines through heart of a vulgarian

Shoulda looked up, missing the signs Only cracked a bit and it’ll heal in time

Life goes on, on for me I’m the maker of my very best tragedy

That’s the beginnings of a song called Heart and it needs work. Eh don’t we all? Ah well the fun’s over. I tracked my calories, completed my daily 7 min workout (the ab one is harder then the regular one...), then got ready to pass out only to realize I hadn’t spoke with you yet today(or type I suppose)! I really hope I don’t accidentally forget. Would be a real bummer. Also on another note, I’m still eating wayyy less then what this app recommends on calories. Will do some research this weekend on how much I should actually be eating. Also may ask the doc Monday when I see him. That’s one question I know I’ll want to ask at least. Well it’s almost 1AM blog, so feel accomplished that once again you have taken 1/12 of my day.

Cheers for now -mind

[mindmmxvii]

The Famous 5

I wasn’t sure what to call this blog, so I named it the first thing that came to mind. Apparently The Famous 5 is series about 5 kids who go on adventures. Seems pretty dope. Also I think I am more of a “Julian”. Though I often act like a “Dick”. A little Famous 5 humor for you. :)

Anyway! On to my day. I woke up at 8 this morning, then laid around till 9 or so. One day I’ll get up on time and stop being a worthless slob. Work, it’s a thing that happened. Lunch, also a thing. Let's just go to what we accomplished today. Make me feel better.

Found what I will need to make my car's legal

Next steps for selling house

Teeth are good!

I feel like today was a lot of figuring out what I need to do next on practical things. I spoke with the Broker who told me what to talk to buyers about. I spoke with one of my best friends, (Brumblebrush) who want’s to buy my house. So basically I am waiting on an appraisal. Brumble has been a friend for a long time and we both kinda just “get” each other without really having to talk a lot about it. I suppose it’s one of the perks of knowing someone since sophomore year of high school. Kinda one of those friends who may not always be next to you, but is always there with you. Basically just need an appraisal ,from a friend of a broker, to figure out what’s fair.

After work I went to the dentist, as it’s been about 8 months since I was there. Everything checked out, no issues there. Mrahhhh, small victories. I also visited the DMV and received an exact list of everything I need in order to title both my cars. One car I purchased in 2015 and never got around to titling in my name, the other I haven’t got plates on since november 2014. I’m kinda a mess, I know. Anywho, basically I need to get a lien notice from my lender and inspections done on both cars. I’m really hoping to have all this done by the end of next week, which is earlier than I though to begin with.

I also met again with my Dad today at a sports bar near my house. I love my Pop but he complains about everything. I swear, we weren’t there 15 min and he already found like 5 things to complain about. I told him we would put him in a home if he kept it up, I don't think he thought I was serious. Also I had three beers when I said I would have two going into the night. I wasn’t drunk or anything but I need to watch myself and stick to the rules I outline for myself.

I did my calorie count, 7 min workout, and spoke with my sister a bit about how she has been doing. I’ve mostly been avoiding some harder questions with her that I think I will face tomorrow. I’ve been pushing myself but haven’t been pushing her as much as I think is appropriate. I mean I have a rough goal of getting her a job in less than 3 months. It’s pretty aggressive considering she has trouble communicating at a higher level or handling some of the most base decisions. She has been improving, which is really great. I’m so proud of her and really think she can get to a space where she is independent.

I suppose most of this seems mundane, I mean going to the DMV... dentist... that's like 101 human adult shit right? Well that illustrates pretty well how far I have let things go. I want to be a fully independent adult that does things correctly, at least for a little while. I want to be responsible, I want to embrace what society tells me success is so I can really know what success means for me when I get around to answering it. Maybe not the best way of saying it but I hope you follow. I’m pretty sure I’m so wrapped up on me that I haven’t been attentive to others.

Yep, me be pretty lost right now. I can’t follow the advice of my friends or my family because they want what's best for the person I am now. Not the person I want to become. They would suggest things that would make me feel better in the moment, but leave me lacking in other perhaps essential ways. I’m not sure if what I am doing will help me see differently going forward, but I would hate myself if I wound up making the same mistakes again. After talking to my Dad tonight i realized that making decisions while only thinking about yourself will not necessarily lead you to happiness. Upon saying it outloud... it seems obvious but making selfish decisions has become almost second nature to me.

Well I’m exhausted. Good night blog, you beautiful bastard.

Cheeri-o -mind

[mindmmxvii]

FOREEEE

Hi blog, I feel like we are becoming pretty darn close. I think about you all day long, plus I’m sure you can’t wait to dig into more of my boring ass life. Speaking of which...

Going to say today was a less eventful day but let’s list off what I did...

dentist appointment

Figure out some next steps on my house

Workout regiment

Start a poem

Yeah, seems like less of an “on” day. I suppose that’s partially because I slept in till like 10AM. Uggg I really need to cut the whole laying around in bed thing, very unappealing narratively. It gives me time to think I suppose. I thought about my sister and ideas to help her. I think a part of her wants to embrace change, but a larger part just wants to sit around all day doing nothing. Bek is very focused on wearing pink, talking with the voices in her head, and doing what she wants when she wants. She has been sheltered most of her life from any real responsibility by her mother who is unable to make or commit to any hard decisions. Leaves me in the awkward spot of raising a 20-somthing, with the maturity of a 16 year old, who happens to also be my youngest sister.

After wallowing for a while longer, I was forced out by a number of work related items. I went around making people happy all day, which I think is actually a larger part of my job then almost anything. At the end of the day it does matter if someone can use their computer, but if you do it with the white gloves on they remember. Makes me feel like I am more than just “the IT guy”. Also gives me a bunch or recurring work, some nice connections, and an overflowing inbox.

While out and about I called a few folks pinning down some next steps. OH also I got my hair cut. So woo. Yeah so the calls. I set a dentist appointment for tomorrow and talked to my pop about selling my house. My Father is someone who has always come through in my life, for better or worse. He is unflinching as far the unspoken rules of life, and will gladly tell you his opinion of just about anything. He’s basically Larry David if he wasn’t jewish. So naturally, he knew a broker who could help me out. I’ll be working with him tomorrow. I have a perhaps unhealthy drive to get out of this house that has given me so many wonderful memories. I feel like it’s trapping me, not necessarily in the physical sense. It represents my inner child in the most pure way. I don’t want to ever get rid my inner child but I need to put some distance between us if I want to “grow up”.

Once home, I got an app called 7 Min Workout. I have been doing 7 min for a while now but not on a consistent basis. I’ll be doing the 30 day challenge focusing specifically on abs. After my workout, my sis and I had some dinner and watched the second episode of Westworld. It’s quite good so far but very very dark.

We cleaned it all up and I decided to be a little creative. Wrote a bit of poetry, just going to show you the first line for now. It’s the only part I feel even halfway confident about.

The seat next to me is filled by a choice sunsets hues only punctuate the loss once, reflected in the mirror, now only a hollow voice fool revealed, forgotten boss

Don’t I know it, I’m no poet. Yeah ok sorry, no more rhyming. I have an idea where I am going with this one but on the other hand it’s my first attempt at poetry in recent memory. I think the act of writing is good, I’m opening myself up to a different type of thinking by using words in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me. Being unable or unwilling to understand how my actions impacted others is what set me down this path in the first place, so I suppose I should welcome any progress there.

Well another day a few more things I can check as done. I thought I would start feeling a little more centered as I got things done but I’m still feeling like I am being crushed under the weight of my past. I screwed things up so quickly and so bad. Hey that’s what happens when you didn't originally ever plan to get married or grow old. I’m such a fucking loser and I have no one to blame but me. Going to go wallow for a bit then sleep. I promise I’ll stop being so vague one of these days.

Cherrio -Mind