n0thing2seeh3r3

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

I was on Tinder in the Southern Highlands, and before you judge to harshly, it's slim pickings on anyone under 50.

So I match with this guy, all his photos are sort of black and white and moody, he looks very pale. In my head, I am thinking, oh cool, maybe an art-type.

So we match and start chatting, I ask him if he'd like to go for a walk sometime, I wanted something non-commital and easily escaped, this is not my first rodeo. He instantly replies, "I am in the bath but I can be there in 10 minutes." I have nothing to do so I say, well sure if you like.

I thought it was odd that you would get out of a nice warm bath and go into a small cold town, where nothing is open at 7pm to meet a stranger but I thought what the hell, I have nothing better to do.

So, we meet up, and instantly I knew it was a no, but he'd gotten out of the bath so what the hell. Let's go for a walk.

He was very thin and frail. He looked Edwardian. His parents obviously thought they were much more important than they really were, because he had that awful 'I am better than you' snobby English twinge in his accent and his attitude.

He starts talking about all the Theatre productions he is in, or is going to be in I couldn't really keep track.

Then he started speaking about his sister, and how she looked, and what she did, who her friends were, hyper-fixated on his sister it seemed.I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.

We are rounding the block, thank god, only 5 more minutes left on this walk. We pass an alleyway with a dumpster, he looks at me, all 5'3 of me and says "I hope you're not going to murder me behind there", a look of uncertainty in his eyes. "I think you're safe" I said.

He asked where I lived and if he could walk me to my door, "oh no its fine I live *vaguely gestured in about 3 directions* over there."

"I'd better be getting home it was nice meeting you". He leaves, as soon as I get home I have a message.

'Tonight was wonderful, let's meet again for another rendezvous.'

And yes, he did refer to that tragic 'date' as a rendezvous.

Did we just go through the same experience, was this a fever dream?

I reply, 'Thank you but in the spirit of transparency, I am only really feeling a friendship.'

I receive back, 'Can't believe I got out of the bath for that. Bitch' and he blocked me.

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

This guy asked me out, I was in college studying Photography, I was broke working part-time in a cafe, and 17 years old. I agreed to the date, we grabbed some chips & I spent my last $20 on some beers.

I was ready to head home to watch some movies and brood alone in bed with a packet of JPS Golds but this guy was pretty insistent that we go to this dumpling joint. I also mentioned that I was out of cash and he said no worries, I got it, so I agreed.

Fast forward, I have had 2 cocktails and a few dumplings (I wasn't hungry after the fries I had inhaled earlier). The restaurant is closing, and we are the only 2 people left. The staff walked over with the bill, it's right then and there he announces he has no money to cover it.

He wanted to run out, this restaurant was enormous and we were the only 2 people in it. I couldn't do it. They had kept the restaurant open for us an extra half hour.

I go to the nearest ATM and realise I have $11 in my account. So I walk down to the nearest bus stop on George St and start asking strangers for money.

"I am really sorry, I have never done this before.. but uhh, I went on this terrible date & ahh..." Most of them cut me off and just dumped their loose change in my hands and sort of rolled their eyes like, sure, you haven't done this before. I was mortified, but I also couldn't leave the bill unpaid. I had it covered within about 10 minutes. I raced back to the restaurant (where he was still just sitting there waiting for me) and paid with a very large handful of coins I had got from nearby commuters.

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

Once upon a time, a surfy boy stole me a cactus that was taller than me. Who said romance is dead?

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

I am lonely, but never alone. 

Connection takes work, effort and vulnerability. I have never been good at being vulnerable. Sometimes I feel, and then I stop myself, just incase.

I want to share myself with the world, but I am scared. I don’t like outside criticisms, I bristle, it’s just my nature. At least I am beginning to know who I am.

I thought I wanted a partner, but all I want is validation. So hungry for it that I sit quietly, because I am trying to teach myself that the opinions of others don’t change the way I feel about myself.

I miss sex, that easy, fleeting connection. Tangled in somebody’s arms, lost in a daydream, feeling alive. I want to fall in love, not to sustain it but to feel that initial rush, that burning infatuation. I try not to use people. I try to be quiet.

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

So interesting reading things from 3 years ago, what little relevance any of it is today. Feelings are fleeting, life is short. Move forward, lol. Romances are flavor of the month, nothing is lasting. I am cynical and we're all going to die. Goodnight, and thank you for attending my TED talk.

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

sleepless, restless & reflective

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

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[n0thing2seeh3r3]

I feel so closed off, even with my clothes off

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

Before I start, I have never written in detail about how I feel because it doesn’t feel like something I can tangibly communicate. I keep re-writing, editing and rephrasing so that this narrative is reflected in an honest manner. But nothing that I am writing is close to how I truly feel - I suppose it’s a start though, an idea, a vague synopsis.

When we first met, I genuinely didn’t want a relationship. You said you were leaving for Sweden in a few months, and I thought it was going to be a no-strings-attached, maybe friends kind of a thing, but even that didn’t really phase me. 

The first time I told you I think I might love you, you replied ‘I think we have 2 very different definitions of love’. Which was both fucking hurtful, and arrogant. It would have been fine if you didn’t reciprocate the feelings but why put me down?

Upon reflecting, I didn’t know and love you the way I do now, but it wasn’t any less valid. Just a smaller amount, cause loves is a spectrum... right?

For a while, I thought that maybe we could have a relationship. Things were going well between us, we had become a lot closer, we went away together for the first time. I had no interest in dating other people, the sex was good, you were basically my best friend, so why not?

It was around that time that you made it really clear that was never going to happen and that I should probably see other people. I mean, maybe not directly, but you pushed me away, again. 

So I did. The less I spoke to you, and the more time I spent with other people, the more you reached out. I knew I probably shouldn’t, but I still came to see you. You made me happy. I could talk to you. I could talk about nothing, and everything at the same time. 

I tried to fall out of love with you. I knew I would always love you, but I tried to separate myself, and my emotions from that love. At first, it didn’t work, but gradually, little by little it did. Every time you pushed me away and I got hurt, I grew a little bit more separated. 

It worked, I no longer want anything from you. I am so in love with you, but nothing you could do would hurt my feelings, because I have come to expect you to.

I don’t want to feel like that. I deserve to feel loved no matter what. I actually subscribe to your way of thinking in terms of relationships not being ever-lasting, however, I do very much enjoy being wrapped up in them while they do. 

I would rather let myself feel things deeply, learn and move on, than be stuck in purgatory. 

It would be easiest to blame you for that. Use the guise of ‘I love you’ so I couldn’t leave as an excuse. I have always prided myself on being open hearted, because what is life without love? I allowed myself to push that part aside, and have an intellectual understanding. 

I know you well enough, to know that what you say isn’t always how you feel. However, I respect how you say you feel.

I feel like I am lost at sea. I feel like if I try to express any of this it won’t come out right. I struggle to write any of it down and make sense of it. 

I want to continue to love you. I want to be in your life, and for you to be in mine. I wish it was as easy as saying I needed a break from this tangled web to get perspective and in the future things would be okay. Losing you in any capacity scares me. 

I know you love me, and you will always be my friend, but your unwillingness to be anything more whilst we still continue to act as though we are isn’t fruitful. 

I need to separate myself from you in a way that is meaningful and lasting, at least in a romantic sense. At first, it might mean separating myself completely and then when we are ready to have a real friendship, we can work at that, if that is what is to be. To do this properly means fully cutting you out, because time and time again, we end up back at this point.

Through this relationship, I have learned a lot. A lot about myself mostly. You have taught me so many things and I will be forever grateful. I am now in a place where I want something more. 

I want what we have, but without the guardedness, I want to feel secure. I want to feel loved at all times, not pushed away when it gets too much or is inconvenient. 

And as I sit here finishing up this short novel I have written about how I feel, you message me, and I feel happy and I want to talk to you & I think to myself what life would be without you, so I say nothing, and I know that that isn’t fair.

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

Okay, now that I have orgasmed my brain might work better.

I need to talk to Mandrake at some point but I don’t know where to begin.

Mum got the place.

We watching the Bachelor together, which is a lot more wholesome than it sounds.

I am addicted to Fruits basket.

I am about to go have a ciggie and then watch more because my brain and fingers are working a lot less well after cumming than before. 

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

More porn, more anime.

[n0thing2seeh3r3]

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