nebulousneuroticism

[nebulousneuroticism]

I felt much better when I got up today. My dreams were rather strange--I seem to recall living in a homeless shelter, but then I was kicked out and, with nowhere to go, I was forced to accept my destiny as an architect of great monuments, divinely appointed by a strange, eldritch god in a pyramid.

So that was my vibe for the day. It was a fine day. I was up in time to take a short walk, eat some leftovers for dinner, and then play Baldur's Gate 3 with my friend. It was a good time, as usual, even though I wasn't really on my social game tonight.

Afterwards, I still felt fine: not headachey or overstimulated, which is always my fear when I exert myself socially. I had some more food and spent what remained of the night chilling out with some very low-intensity podcast-listening.

Tonight, I feel fine. I'm not sure I'm tired enough to sleep, but I must try. Maybe tomorrow I can be productive. I hope so.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept late today, but once I got up I had the energy to convince myself to cook some food. I made a nice teriyaki pork bowl. It turned out well.

Otherwise, I didn't do much today. I ate pretty okay, but I didn't go anywhere or do anything productive, and as the day wore on I developed a headache. Too much screen time, maybe. Whatever the reason, I feel pretty crummy now.

I hope I can sleep, and I hope I feel well enough for my weekly Baldur's Gate night tomorrow. All I can do is try to rest.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Stressful dreams again last night. In one dream, I was stabbed by a clown monster, and then when I escaped I didn't want to pay for an ambulance so I walked to a clinic, where I collapsed on the floor, slowly bleeding out while a doctor tried to help me.

So yeah. Not a great night. Not the sort of thing you want on your mind when you wake up.

My day was fine. I met up with my group for Battletech, and we had a fun battle. I didn't overexert myself or get a headache, and I felt just a little overstimulated afterwards. When I got home, I spent time cooling down by cooking some dinner and playing Rimworld. A nice night.

I wasn't tired, so I stayed up very late. I'm feeling stressed for no good reason. Or rather, I have reasons, but I can't tell whether they are truly the cause or if my brain has simply decided to be stressed and assigned that feeling ex post facto to whatever is on my mind.

I hope I can sleep deeply tonight. I need a night of true rest, where I don't wake up feeling like I just ran a marathon in my dreams.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept rather late today, and my dreams were uncomfortable and stressful for no good reason.

But the day was decent otherwise. I stopped at the store to buy some fruit and soda, and then I went to my favorite sandwich shop and read my book while I ate dinner. It was a relaxing time. I should do that more often.

When I got home, I talked to my parents for a bit, and then I spent my night with my usual distractions. I finished watching Dead Boy Detectives tonight: overall a fun show with a lot of heart.

I feel okay right now. I stayed up pretty late, but I know I need to try to sleep... I have to be awake for Battletech tomorrow. I probably won't sleep that late, but maybe I should set an alarm just to be safe...

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept well last night and got up in the mid-afternoon. Once I was feeling awake, I decided to take a walk. It was rather warm outside, and my mind felt busy, but it was a nice walk anyway.

Otherwise, I stayed in and relaxed with my usual pastimes. It was very enjoyable. I cooked a couple easy meals, and I also baked some brownies from scratch (they turned out quite nice).

So it was a decent day. Quiet, like yesterday. I am glad to have these quiet days. I feel like my mind is slowly starting to catch up a little bit, like maybe it will finally stop racing all the time. It is a slow process, but I hope it will continue. Maybe I can feel present and sharp again, someday.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was a day of pure solitude. I woke once around noon, and then again in the late afternoon. More sleep than I needed, and I felt a little groggy for it.

I didn't go anywhere today. I didn't do anything productive. I didn't speak to anyone and no one spoke to me. I played some video games, watched some television. I ate fairly healthy--lately I'm into oranges as a healthy snack.

So it was a nice day. There's a big part of me that's feeling negative about not working on my project... it's on my mind a lot. I'm trying to strike the delicate balance between "yes, I want to work on it more consistently" and "it's okay to take things slow because I'm still recovering from years and years of burnout." But it's a hard balance to strike.

I'm not feeling particularly tired tonight, probably because I overslept and didn't do anything active today. I hope I can sleep.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I had a rather restless sleep last night, filled with active dreams. When I got up in the afternoon, I saw I had three missed calls from the car mechanic. Fearing the worst, I called back; but it turned out they just wanted to tell me my car was ready. Why didn't they leave a message? Why did they call three times within one minute? I do not know.

Regardless, that was good news. I was fully prepared to be without a car all weekend. I got a ride over, paid some money, and got it back. I treated myself to some boba tea to celebrate (and also to test it out a bit). The problem seems to be fixed: the longstanding knocking noise it used to make is gone, and I didn't notice any new issues.

I went back home and spent the rest of the day unproductively. I had some high anxiety for a little while for some unknown reason. I distracted myself as best I could with Rimworld. I also started watching Dead Boy Detectives, a spinoff of Sandman, and it seems pretty fun so far.

I feel okay right now. A little shaky from spending too much money at once (besides the car, I also paid rent and health insurance today...). Glad to have a quiet few days ahead with no looming stressors.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I set an alarm today, but it didn't really work. Even so, I slept well enough to be up before it was too late to do things.

When I got up, I gathered my things and drove to the car mechanic. I filled out a form, gave them my keys, and then... just walked away. It felt weird to walk away, but that was the only option unless I wanted to wait for a cab.

So I walked a short distance along a busy street to a nearby cafe, where I got some tea and read my book for a bit before getting a ride home. My driver on the way was a very nice man who told me all about his uncanny powers of intuition--he seemed to be into some kind of mysticism. But he was friendly and had a nice accent. I'm a sucker for a nice accent.

I got home and made some food. The mechanic called with an estimate for the work, which was a little less than I had anticipated (still expensive, of course). Then I settled down to play Baldur's Gate 3 with my friend. It was fun as usual, and good to talk to her after a couple weeks.

After we finished, I cooked some more food and then unwound for a while, and then it was suddenly really late. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend. The idea that someone (the mechanic) could call me at any moment stresses me out a little--I really hate unexpected phone calls. But it'll be okay because I have nothing else going on.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept rather late today. When I got up, I had enough time and energy to get to the grocery store, but I procrastinated on taking my car in. Guess I'll have to do it tomorrow.

I had a quiet night in. I played a little Rimworld and later toyed with my project a bit. I wasn't really productive: I just filled out some character profile sheets for my characters and adjusted my worldbuilding a little. So I can't say I'm any closer to accomplishing anything, but it felt good at least to open it up and play with it a little.

Anyway, it's late now. I'm kinda dreading taking my car in tomorrow, but I'm sure it'll be okay. Just need to be up at a reasonable time. And then I can relax and cook a nice dinner and play Baldur's Gate with my friend... that will be good.

[nebulousneuroticism]

My dreams last night were very active. There was some kind of monster, and I was in a party rpg-style. I didn't wake up until pretty late in the afternoon.

I guess the sleep was much-needed, but it didn't leave me much time to do things. I decided to push the car thing and grocery shopping off, so I stayed home today. Not to say I didn't do anything--I did my laundry, which was annoying because they raised the prices on the machines again even though literally half of them are broken. I also ate pretty healthy and fixed a small clog in my drain, so I felt fairly good about my day.

I stayed up way too late, and I'm worried I'll end up sleeping too late to take my car in. I need to shop for groceries beforehand, too, to make sure I have enough to eat if I'm without a car for a few days. Sigh. I don't feel like setting an alarm, so I guess we'll just see when I wake up. Worst case, I can always do the car on friday.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I had to get up early today for my plane trip. The ride to the airport was sleepy and quiet. When we arrived, I hugged my mom goodbye, and then I was on my own again.

The flight was fine. Pretty empty, thankfully, so I had a spare seat next to me. A little bumpy, but I didn't feel too sick and I was able to spend most of my time reading.

When I landed, I had to drive myself back home through rush hour traffic. It took a very long time, maybe an hour and a half. Before I left the airport, I had the foresight to order myself a pizza for pickup; and by the time I got home, I was plenty hungry.

After that, my night was pretty relaxing. I quickly unpacked, ate my pizza, and spent my time toggling between relaxing with Rimworld and doing necessary tasks such as checking the mail, shaving my face, and quickly getting some essential groceries. It was good.

I feel really tired tonight. Travel always takes it out of me. I'll have to do some laundry tomorrow, and then I need to do a big grocery shop so that I can be without a car for a few days while it's in the shop. Not sure if I'll take it in tomorrow or the next day... I guess I'll see how I feel.

I can feel my anxious mind casting about for something to worry about now that my travel is over for the foreseeable future. The car repairs are the next thing, but... for the most part right now, I feel okay. Things are okay. Maybe it's just because I'm tired.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was quite relaxing. I slept just okay, but the day was quiet. I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. I spent some time reading, and some time playing a game with my mom, and then we had a nice comfort-food dinner.

Tomorrow I have to board a plane and get back to things. There shouldn't be too much stress in the next few weeks... well, I have to take my car for repairs, but oddly I don't think that will be as stressful as making a phone call about it was.

So I'm hoping that I'll have the emotional bandwidth to start doing some more productive things. I want to work on my project consistently, and maybe also pursue some other hobbies that have fallen by the wayside, like language learning. I'm hoping I'll finally have some time and space to breathe and start to recover from the burnout that's been ravaging my brain for the last few years.

Well, it's a nice hope, at least. Tonight I'm feeling rather detached, as I often do near the end of a trip. Like I don't really know myself. Perhaps I do not.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Exhausted by my failures yesterday, I slept very late today.

Thankfully, there wasn't much going on. I spent some time chilling out and doing a crossword puzzle, and then I went with my parents to my aunt and uncle's place. We had a mostly pleasant evening, chatting, eating, and playing a word game. I was feeling pretty quiet and introverted, but it didn't matter.

When we got home, my parents went to bed and I did a little laundry while watching a stream. A nice, relaxing night. I needed it.

Just one more day at home, and then I can return to my routine. Tomorrow should be relaxing. Feels good to have the stress behind me.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was rough.

I got up late again, staying in bed to delay my stress. After I got up, I spent a few hours eating and pacing about the house before I left for my best friend's party.

I arrived a little late, which was for the best. It was a huge party, with many dozens of people present, most of whom I did not know. My other high school friend from yesterday wasn't there, so I was completely alone; I had a few small conversations with people I met yesterday, but they evaporated pretty quickly, and I soon found myself sitting alone, riddled by social anxiety.

After about an hour and a half in my own personal hell, I said farewell to my best friend and left. It was best for everyone, I think: I had made my appearance, but I was not enjoying myself and I doubt anyone else was enjoying my awkward presence. I felt awful. I haven't been in a situation like that since college, probably... apparently, I have not changed or grown one jot since then.

I cooled down a bit on the drive back. I stopped at a sandwich shop because there wasn't any food besides hors d'oeuvres at the party. It was too early to go home (I didn't want to return before my parents went to bed, because then I would have to explain why I left so early), so after I ate my sandwich I went to the movie theater and got a ticket for whatever was playing, which turned out to be the latest Godzilla x Kong. It was... a bad movie. Really not good. But it did feature some fights between giant creatures, so at least there was that.

Anyway. Now it is bedtime and I am ready to put this all behind me. The rest of my trip should be stress-free. I need a rest.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept well last night. A long, deep, and much-needed sleep. Best I've slept in a long time, honestly.

I woke before noon, but I was immediately overwhelmed by anxiety about attending the wedding. I felt that the only safe place was in my bed, under the covers, so I huddled down for two hours, awake but unwilling to leave. Eventually it was unavoidable, and I did get up, but let's just say it wasn't a great mental health morning.

My parents saved me from my lack of planning a bit, lending me some cash for a wedding gift. I planned to arrive about fifteen minutes late to the event, but I underestimated how long it would take me to get ready, so I ended up being more like thirty minutes late. I felt kind of bad about that, but not too bad, because the one other person who I knew well there arrived just a few minutes after me, so if I had been on time I would have had half an hour of feeling very awkward and alone.

Once they arrived, it was easier. I had someone to talk to. The reception itself was pretty small and low-key, pretty much just a fancy dinner party. And the food was good. I avoided alcohol and managed to feel okay with socializing by the end of the night.

So it was fine, in the end. I got home around ten, with enough time to relax a bit.

My anxiety is not totally gone, because there's also a party tomorrow, and that will be harder for me because I won't really know anyone--my friend who was there today won't be there tomorrow, and of course I can't lean too hard on my best friend as he's the host. But I guess that's a problem for tomorrow-me. At least I won't have to dress up again.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I got about one hour of sleep last night. Perhaps less. It was very hard to get up when my alarm rang, but no matter how many times I did the timing math, it turned out I really did have to. So I got up and went to the airport.

The travel was smooth, except that I was completely exhausted the whole time. My seat was way in the back of the plane, so it couldn't recline, so I spent the whole flight dozing uncomfortably in a sitting position.

My dad picked me up when I arrived, and then I spent the evening with my parents, watching television and trying not to let my exhaustion show. I wasn't much of a conversationalist, and I went to bed early.

I'm so very tired. Tomorrow will be exhausting, too, and I'm trying not to think about it. Preparing... dressing up... driving... socializing... I'm just so tired.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept late again, willfully. When I finally awoke, though, I had some energy, and so I plucked up my courage to make my next phone call. I spoke to the auto mechanic about the repairs that my car needs. I asked him to order some parts, but I'm not sure if he did. It sounds like I can just take my car over to him whenever. Guess I'll do it when I get back next week.

After that, I went to my favorite sandwich shop to reward myself. It was a cloudy and humid day. The sandwich was good, as usual.

I didn't do much tonight. I found myself pacing, worrying about my trip, unwilling to start doing anything. It's kind of a weird trip for me. I'm traveling very light--just a couple sets of clothes, a book, and my laptop, I think.

I guess I have just a few specific worries. First, I'm worried about waking up tomorrow--my schedule has become so screwed up that I'll only get a few hours of sleep before I have to make my way to the airport. So I'm worried I'll oversleep and miss my flight. Second, I'm worried about the wedding I'm attending. It'll be a solid five hours of socializing, which is hard for me even in the best of situations. And I'm worried about transit to and from, of course, because I always worry about driving to unfamiliar places.

So yeah. I guess I'll feel better once I'm at the airport tomorrow. I should try to get a few hours of sleep, if I can.