nilaningunlugu

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Change is good…

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you are allowed to feel whatever you want. never apologize for expressing yourself

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You are beautiful :))

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Welcome to my slowly-growing art studio space! IG:peachy_gogh

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You’re not broken. Life has made of you a puzzle. A beautiful work of art that takes time, patience and skill to put together but in the end is worth every effort.

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view.

#view #photography #vsco #wallpaper #sky #blue #orange

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Log 2-

Lately feeling a bit better. I guess I am kinda getting into depression. Bcz I don't want to do anything, dont want to wake up, dont want to get up from the bad. Even I dont want to paint. This is the worst case scenario for me. Few days before my bff came. And we did talk. But couldn't said anything about the feelings. Bcz even I wasn't sure. But today I am sure. Hopefully this time passes quickly.

Hopefully.

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Log -1-

Hi. After now, I'll write a log. Not daily. But for my feelings. I tried to write it down so many times. In notebooks. In my language. But there was always a scare. "What will happen if someone reads it." That why I couldn't write down my own and real feelings.

And I am done with that.

Maybe my language will be wrong. I don't know. English is not my first language. So there could be some mistakes. But actually I don't care. Bcz I'll write my feelings for me. Not for anybody else. And I'll write it in English bcz no one that I know can't understand/use this platform.

So. Let's start.

- today is my birthday. I am 22 now. I did get so many messages about it. That is nice. I do feel grate about it. And I did feel the love through that congratulation messages. But.. But I did not get any gifts. Normally I really don't care that. No one have to give me any gifts. Really. But even not my family. Even they did not give me nothing for my birthday. And it did hurt. I try to act cool about it. We did go places. We did ate dinner together at out of home. (Which normally we wont). But still today was my birthday. I would be so happy about it. I did wait for a little gift for whole day. Whole day. Yes I know this is wrong. Waiting for a gift is wrong. There are people with no family, no friends and no one. But I just can't hold it back. I act happy whole day. Wear a mask with a smile. Normally I hate doing that, wearing mask. But today I have to. And I did hate myself. Hate my self bcz I wait for a gift and cry for a gift. But it did hurt me.

And I still cry for that fucking gift.

Welcome 22.

So happy about you.

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…I almost killed myself

I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.

I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.

That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.

Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.

Thank you man at McDonalds.

The milkshake saved my life

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a gentle reminder that you aren’t a disappointment. you aren’t a failure. no one knows how hard u try and you’re doing so well. you deserve so much better.

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“Don’t compare yourself with other people, compare yourself with who you were yesterday.”

— Jordan Peterson

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stay true to yourself :))