notblue-bandit

[notblue-bandit]

If I hit a can of baked beans and said ‘used to that’ would you laugh? No, you wouldn’t understand, but my people would.

[notblue-bandit]

ruby sunday 🤝 the doctor

being abandoned and never getting to know your parents and being raised in a collective group with other children so they have no real parental figures to guide them and are therefore forced to try to find their identity in their origin which theyve been lied to about for their entire lives up until now etc. etc.

mfw doctor who is good again 😮

[notblue-bandit]

im not gonna go on a rant about my special interest on my vent blog jjjhjhhjjhhgebbsbw [visibly holding it in to the point of uncomfortability] aaaaaok all im gonna say is i forgive rtd for the bigeneration plot and chibnall for the timeless child plot because the companion/doctor emotional growth arc that is being set up rn because of them is gonna be SO FUCKING GOOD i can feel it in my bones

mfw doctor who is good again 😮

[notblue-bandit]

mfw doctor who is good again 😮

#literally just posting this for foxy to see

[notblue-bandit]

Why is there no representation in media for people that don’t cry when they sh like bro not everyone is breaking down it’s an annoying stereotype

[notblue-bandit]

trying to hype myself to go into work rn. i just feel this intense mental block. like i just dont want to be forced to do stuff i dont really wanna do for the next 8 hours. i wanna go back home and sleep. im so close to calling in but why do that when im literally in the parking lot

#also i need money lol

[notblue-bandit]

another week of this shit sighs

[notblue-bandit]

i feel completely treatment resistant and like I'm never going to get to be completely healed. everybody gives up on me eventually. nobody is willing to stay with me through the worst of it. im too much for even trained professionals

[notblue-bandit]

i might go back into therapy 🙃 im just scared bc therapy triggers the fuck out of me. which seems counterintuitive but like. yk. im borderline so~

i was working with someone who does addiction and IFS ("parts work") that my ex therapist/fp referred me to and after splitting on her after she abandoned me (this is biased thinking and not fully true but idc thats what my nervous system thinks happened so its ALMOST like its true) i cut him off as well. which was kind of unfair but he felt like an extension of her yk. i was finding everything wrong that i could and none of my parts were even willing to talk to me OR him so i was basically blocked from doing that type of therapy anyway.

but idk im kinda coming around and feel like it might help. maybe. idk. if i dont get too attached to him or start fucking,, idk doing my manipulative attention seeking bullshit that i do to every therapist i have.

also idk how he'll feel about working with me without there being someone else helping him/being my primary therapist like it was when i first started working with him. idk how personality disorder friendly he is. yk cause some therapists "cant handle bpd patients"

[notblue-bandit]

Wanting someone 2 love you like you love them when you have bpd is so shattering

[notblue-bandit]

When you don't get the praise and validation you were looking for from someone and you can just feel your entire facial expression just sink and go from 😃 to 😐

[notblue-bandit]

today, actually mid for once

[notblue-bandit]

1hr ago me was wrong btw

[notblue-bandit]

having bpd is actual hell on earth cause no one tries to fucking understand you and they write you off as being difficult and too much and they leave and we’re left with this fucking personality disorder that consumes my entire fucking existence and they act like its THEIR inconvenience that IM ill.

[notblue-bandit]

I wish I could cvt everyday like when i was a child. but I have "responsibilities" now. ugh.

[notblue-bandit]

Born to suicide, forced to live.. 🎀💞🌷💗💓✨🧞‍♀️💞💗 ✨

[notblue-bandit]

so i amend my earlier statement, now experiencing *burnout* while my depression is medicated is actually hilarious. im thinking like. so THIS is how normal ppl feel when theyre struggling. damn this is like nothing compared to everything else. i mean it sucks but its nothing

#i DREAM of getting to experience a “normal” “common” struggle. yk like. bearable copeable smth everyones gone through #i have never lived a life of normalcy and I KNOW it exists bc my fucking best friend lives it!! she struggles yes but NORMAL STRUGGLES #i get now why ive been told by ppl "hey just make yourself do stuff ik its hard but it helps #“i was depressed for a couple months” like bestie no you werent i dont wanna hear your dumb ass advice if you werent diagnosed and suicidal