offbrandpeterparker

offbrandpeterparker

Peter Parker Asks & Memes

Send an ask with whatever question you have for Peter! || Parkner/Parley | Irondad & Spideyson | ANTI-STARKER ||

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offbrandpeterparker·5 days agoText

funnyincorrectmcu:

Peter: I am forty-one Cheetos tall.
Tony: Why the fuck did you measure yourself in Cheetos?
Peter: Cause we were out of Doritos. 

647 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·7 days agoChat
Peter: Holy shit!
Harley: Whoa you kiss your mama with that mouth, Parker!?
Peter: Hah! Joke's on you, I don't have a mum!
Harley: Oh yeah? My dad left the family when I was six
Peter: At least your dad's alive
Harley: I had to raise my little sister on my own while my mum was working
Peter: My uncle died right in front of me!
Harley: I got picked on in school!
Peter: I get picked on though I'm stronger than everybody!
Harley: I'm broke!
Peter: I'm more broke!
Harley: I don't have any super powers!
Peter: I died!
Harley: Nobody remembered me when I showed up at the funeral!!
Peter: I had to arrest my homecoming date's dad!!!
Harley:
Harley: Wow you win, I can't compete with that much misery
Ned:
Ned, slowly walking out of the room:
648 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·9 days agoText

athenadcvell:

Harley: Why is Tony crying?

Peter: I said same when the bag of flour exploded everywhere, cause y'know I’ve exploded into dust before too, and I related.

Harley: Dude.

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offbrandpeterparker·a month agoChat
Happy: *does anything, ever*
Peter: Mood
Happy: If you say mood one more time I will literally never drive you anywhere ever again
May: *walks in with watermelon slices*
Peter:
Peter, whispering: food
87 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoChat
Peter: Do you think in Russian or English?
Bucky: I think in-
Sam, interrupting: Bold of you to assume Bucky thinks
Bucky:
Sam:
Bucky, aggressively:
Sam, even more aggressively:
Steve: *wheezing in the background*
106 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoChat
Peter, on his Spidey ig: *joins Flash's livestream*
Flash: what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
Peter: Hey Flash, if you aren't careful you're gonna wake up with no kneecaps
Peter: *leaves the livestream*
Flash:
Flash:
Flash: wHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
111 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

friendly-neighbourhood-ironman:

Harley: I know we’re just friends but I always see you us as something…more

Peter: I’m so glad you brought that up!

Peter: Sometimes I imagine us as dinosaurs, I thougt I was the only one.

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offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

rivertron:

Tony: you can’t kill a spider with a Nerf gun.

Natasha: you can with good aim and a thumbtack at the end of the Nerf bullet. Don’t ask how I know that.

Peter, raising his hand: feeling a little unsafe here.

Y’all are forgetting she’s a spider too

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offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

discodaphy:

friendly reminder

peter parker lost both of his parents, lost his uncle, get’s bullied constantly, the father of the girl he liked turned out to be his nemesis, had a BUILDING dropped onto him, felt his death due to his spidy sense, died but came back to life 5 years later only to watch his father figure die not even 30 minutes later, trusted mysterio but was betrayed, and now is a villain to the whole world…

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offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

transpeterp:

peter, laying on a pentagram: here we go! rock and roll buckaroo!

tony, sitting on a folding chair next to him: you have lost your mind

51 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoAnswer
I compare Peter to my age, because his passport says that he was born August 2001. The MCU Spiderman timeline is fucked compared to the regular MCU, but despise the blip, Peter should be 18, cuz even if he was 17 before the blip, his class trip was during the summer, so he should at least be 18 or turning 18 soon. cuz he's a few months older than me. (His age can also change how he's treated for his "crimes") like being a minor/not changes how he'll be punished for "killing" Mysterio. Idk

seeing “peter parker” and “born august 2001″ makes me feel:

and then seeing “His age can also change how he’s treated for his “crimes”) like being a minor/not changes how he’ll be punished for “killing” Mysterio. Idk” made me:

uh-oh! oops! yikes!

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offbrandpeterparker·a month agoChat
Peter: You know when you stand up and your vision goes static?
MJ: You know that means you need iron, right?
Peter, already on the phone with Tony: Hey Irondad you know when you stand up and your vision goes static?
Flash:
Flash:
Flash: what the fRICK FRACK DIDDLY DACK TIC TAC SNICK SNACK BIG MAC THUMBTACK BACKPACK JETPACK LUMBERJACK QUARTERBACK PADDY WACK GIVE A DOG A BONE-
268 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

avengers-mind-dump:

Peter: -if we use soy sauce in our rice like we use milk in cereal, the-

Steve: Queens, this is supposed to be about the next mission.

Tony: hey, don’t interrupt my kid

Peter: yeah, don’t interrupt his kid

Tony:

Steve:

Peter:

Tony:

Steve:

Peter: hold up a second-

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offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

blueeyedjaguar:

avengers-mind-dump:

Peter: you wanna know why I don’t drink coffee?

May: why don’t you?

Peter: because I’m a mourning person

May:

Peter:

May:

Peter: please come back Mr. Stark

Ow

Ow

Ouch

2K notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoChat
Loki: could you please unsleep me at 6.
Tony: ...wHaT?
Loki: I said, COULD YOU PLEASE UNSLEEP ME AT 6AM
Tony, under his breath: is this what I sound like when I'M sleep deprived??? I'm never staying up late again.
152 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

forgetful-nerd:

Tony: Peter, you can’t just go after such dangerous criminals during patrol! You’re not ready yet.

Peter: *broken and bloody* oh gee-whiz you’re right Mr. Stark, I guess I should ask them politely “excuse me Mr. criminal I know your busy criminaling and all, but can you please wait a few years? because I’M nOt ReAdY yEt!”

Tony: sorry kid, I can’t understand you. In this house, we don’t speak disrespect!

Harley, screaming from the other room: B*TCH SINCE WHEN?!!?!?!?

555 notes · See All
offbrandpeterparker·a month agoText

forgetful-nerd:

Doc Ock: The avengers and Spider-Man been spotted in breaking into our hide out! FIND THEM NOW!

Mysterio: Spider-Man? Where did he come from?

Electro: where did he go?

Spider-Man: *busting out of the ceiling* WHERE DID HE COME FROM COTTEN EYE JOE!

Shuri and Harley: *emerge line dancing*

Tony: sERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS FELL FOR THAT LINE AGAIN?!?!?

314 notes · See All
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