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onenightandgone · 5 years

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How to Find Lost Things (4)

Genre: Angst, contains mature content Pairing: Hoseok x Reader Length: 3.5k Summary: Being with him was the stuff dreams are made of. But why weren’t those your dreams? Chapters: (One)~(Two) ~(Three)

The train station bustled with the mid-afternoon rush. People dashed in front of you and behind you and around you, and your senses were overwhelmed. The noise of the footsteps, the constant loop of announcements over the PA system, and the high-pitched grind of the train brakes on the rails combined into a chaotic chorus that left you disoriented and confused.

You stood in front of the departures board, scanning the different destinations you could choose from, trying to ignore the ones you had already missed. It was difficult to focus with the crowd milling around you.

Where should you go?

You felt your phone buzz in your backpack, but you knew better than to look. Hoseok was the only one who ever texted you. Of course it was him. You couldn’t look back now, the decision had been made. You couldn’t stay, couldn’t hurt him more.

You defied any rationality and picked a random city with a later departure - enough time to buy your ticket and get where you needed to go. You took a deep breath and walked to the ticket window.

Finding where you were supposed to be was much more difficult than even picking a destination. Some of the lines connected with each other at different stations, and figuring out which was which was almost rocket science.

Your heart felt like it was beating in the back of your throat as you walked down to the right train tunnel. The music in your earphones meant nothing, just background noise to make you dizzy. Your pulse skyrocketed, your palms became damp.

There really was no going back after this.

You found a seat on the correct platform just in time, feeling your the muscles in your legs become gelatinous and finally give way. The reoccurring thought, the endless loop of film in your mind, it was all Hoseok. You had promised him, and then you had immediately broken it. How could anyone reconcile that?

You guessed at the hours remaining until he got home. Would he even get home tonight? There were some times where he was gone a lot longer than he had initially expected. Your thoughts struggled for rationality, for purchase, for some kind of organisation. You focused on a spot where several tiles on the floor had cracked in tiny veins, fighting with yourself.

The thought of Hoseok’s broken heart haunted you, but was it really inevitable? Why did you always feel powerless? Were you ever strong?

The hours passed in this cycle of self-punishment, reasoning yourself into believing your excuses for leaving, a cruel circle. Your train had long since come and departed without you when a voice shook you out of your head.

‘Excuse me,’ it said.

You looked to see a squat, middle-aged security guard, his keys jingling from his belt as he shifted his stance.

‘Excuse me,’ he repeated. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Yeah,’ was your first, thoughtless response. You shook your head to clear the cobwebs. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just waiting for someone.’

‘If you say so. The last train left a while ago, you know,’ he said.

Had you really been here that long? You glanced at the timeboard in alarm. It was almost nine - at night. Your stomach rumbled obviously, and your hands shook as you pulled your backpack over your shoulders. Your legs threatened to give out again as you walked out of the station, but you were determined now. But were you too late?

You were hungry, sure. But you wanted Hoseok more. The thought, admitting that you felt even a little for him, it flooded your systems with relief. Maybe you could make progress.

Maybe you could make it home before Hoseok. You speedwalked, almost running, the whole way home. But your heart fell as you saw the living room light through the front window. You were too late. He was home, but he wasn’t alone.

You stood in the shadow of the dusk, watching him pace the living room irritably. One of his groupmates sat on the edge of your tiny couch, looking at Hoseok with worry. Hoseok turned, raking his fingers through his hair.

You swallowed and walked up to the door. Your hand froze on the handle. Of course it was locked, he wasn’t crazy. But there went your surprise entry. He would know it was you. He would know you had tried to leave.

Of course he already knew.

You could feel the tension through the door as you did your best to silently slip your key into the lock. Your fingers fumbled with one of your keychains, knocking the tiny silver heart against the door frame. You heard the voices inside go quiet. The only sound was the pounding of your heart as you turned the key and stepped inside.

Hoseok’s eyes peered around the hallway corner. They glistened through the dim lighting, and Hoseok’s staggered breathing tore through the still air.

You took your time. Setting down your bag, slipping out of your shoes, all at a snail’s pace. He waited patiently, stepping around to watch you fully. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, stiff and motionless.

You knew. You knew you were in for it. You could practically hear his voice, distorted with anger, and by all means, you deserved it. You had tried to break your promise to stay, as if his heart meant nothing to you. You had betrayed his trust in one of the worst ways. The way you did didn’t even matter, it was the fact that you did it at all.

You braced for it, the hot tears starting purely from how ashamed you were of yourself. Wordlessly you had begun to tear yourself down, your intentions toward yourself lacking all the kindnesses they might have otherwise had. But that was okay. You weren’t someone that deserved kindness. You could only stare at the floor, all pride and pretense fallen by the wayside, unable to meet his eyes.

But before you could even consider how to apologize, to ask him how you could make it up to him, if at all, Hoseok crossed the distance between you and swung his arms around you, crushing you to his torso. He spared no air for your lungs or thought for your ribs, there was only you and the thought of how close he had come to losing you for good.

Your arms were pinned between your ribs and his chest, your breaths shallow and struggling, but it didn’t matter much. You were home, and it didn’t have anything to do with the building or your things or furniture. You closed your eyes and let yourself be crushed, refusing to struggle or complain.

Hoseok combed his fingers through your hair, his lips against your forehead.

‘I was so worried you weren’t coming back,’ he whispered. His fear was evident in his hold, his desperate clinging, his fingers digging into your back. His breath was shaky, his voice trembling.

‘I’m sorry,’ was all you manage in return, your voice muffled in his shirt.

He stayed around you this way for way few moments longer, only releasing you when Hyunwoo appeared from around the corner.

‘All good then?’ he said, looking past you to Hoseok.

Hoseok, still with his arm around you in his incessant need to be in contact with you, nodded, sniffing loudly.

‘You guys should talk,’ said Hyunwoo, making purposeful eye contact with you as he passed you.

Hoseok squeezed your side in affirmation, the curve of his chest resting against your shoulder.

Hyunwoo slipped on his jacket, turning to face you.

‘I’m glad you didn’t leave,’ he said finally, one final nod at Hoseok behind you before heading out, closing the door gently behind himself.

You were still frozen in the thought, staring at the closed door, when you felt your fingers being separated by Hoseok’s. He pulled you forward, leading you away from the door, just in case you changed your mind again.

You followed him without resisting. His shoulders, normally wide and proud, seemed now to sink beneath a terrible weight, and you didn’t have to wonder what it was. You reached a trembling hand to rest between them, hoping maybe to lend him some courage, to put strength back where it should be.

Hoseok peered back over at you, giving you a sad smile. Maybe you should have been encouraged, but it felt like your heart weighed even more. It felt like it was a struggle just to keep breathing, to keep the blood flowing through your veins.

He led you into the bedroom, turning to face you as you stood in front of the bed. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out.

You waited, but there was no anger, no rage, nothing like what you deserved. You braced for the storm, but Hoseok didn't move or speak, stuck in the thick mire of his own thoughts.

It was on you.

A strange sense of boldness came over you, and you reached to cup his cheek into your palm. He fit perfectly, like he always had, his eyes shutting peacefully at your touch. You turned him and climbed backwards onto the covers, pulling him with you. There was no need, as Hoseok followed willingly, keeping your warmth on his skin.

You propped your back against the pillows and the headboard, motioning him closer. Hoseok hovered over you at first, starting sadly into your eyes, as if he doubted your sincerity. The look was no longer a blow, but an expectation. You deserved to be doubted, you couldn't be trusted.

The apologies flooded your throat, but couldn't tear through the heavy blanket of silence that had fallen over both of you. You hoped that your torn expression would be enough for now as you looked up at him.

Hoseok leaned down, resting an arm on either side of you. He came close, his eyes flickering down to your mouth. You nodded your consent wordlessly, but he still didn't kiss you. Hoseok studied you, and for once, you couldn't read what was going on in his mind.

You wanted to tell him that you didn't mean it, you didn't mean to leave. That you realized you had been making a mistake.

Then he reached for you, the pads of his fingers gently running the ridge of your jaw, down your neck, tracing the line of your collarbone over your shirt in a lazy fascination. Hoseok blinked slowly, his breathing loud and ragged.

'You,’ he said quietly. 'You came back.’

Your heart picked up the pace with the panic and shame. You swallowed before speaking.

'I shouldn't have even left. I panicked and I freaked out and I don't know even know why,’ your voice strained over the words, pleading with yourself for calm.

He idly traced the outline of your bottom lip with his thumb, bumping the tip of his nose against yours.

Your instinct begged for you to touch him, to feel every part of him, but your conscience told you that you didn't have the right. His shoulders curved gracefully in front of your eyes, and you reached halfway before losing heart, your hands shaking in midair.

‘Hoseok,’ your voice cracked. ‘I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.’

Hoseok said nothing at first. He sat back, taking your outstretched hand and placing it on his chest. He covered it with his, keeping it prisoner there.

“Don't be afraid of me,’ he said. He sniffled. “That - that's worse than anything else you could do to me.’

He leaned forward again, this time not hesitating to kiss your forehead, your palm still planted over his heart.

He didn't say, “that's okay,” or, “I forgive you.” But really, you didn't expect him to forgive you at all.

He looked down at you, his eyes rounded and swimming with tears, his bottom lip trembling. The damage you caused with your recklessness. His fingers between yours squeezed tightly as his pain took him into dark places.

You sat forward, your own tears starting to burn as you held his head between your hands.

Hoseok nearly collapsed into your touch, overwhelmed and exhausted, crashing into you with all dignity forgotten, all pretense lost. His lips covered yours with a sad hunger, as if it were a fruitless endeavour.

You wrapped your arms around him as tightly as you could, drawing him down to you.

He paused to take in a breath, his wet eyelashes brushing against your cheek.

“I…” his voice faded as he struggled to speak. “I can't believe I almost lost you.”

“You won't,” you choked out through the knot in your throat. “You won't ever lose me.”

Hoseok kissed you again, pressing against you fervently. His lips tasted of nothing but salt, his pressure drawing the air from your lungs. You would give it all to him if he asked.

He rose up to his knees, his eyes never leaving your face. You watched him as he slowly peeled the shirt from his torso, opening your arms to him as he fell forward into you.

His kiss lasted a few moments longer, and he sighed in relief as your palms slid against his bare skin, as if the surface was a fire that only you could put out. He sunk down as he kissed you, his arm slung around your lower back, tracing the bare skin he found there.

You captured him and held him steady at your center, playing lightly in the short hair at the back of his neck as you returned his affection. This time willingly and present. You were sure that it was your lips against his, your skin that the waves of his breath skated down. He was Hoseok and he was here, all yours along with all the damage you had created. The heart you had so rashly broken.

His back curved into your palm, his skin smooth and cool to the touch.

Finally Hoseok retreated, his eyes boring into yours.

You followed the tired lines under his eyes with your fingertips, Hoseok falling rapture to your simple affection, his eyelids falling shut.

“You should rest,” you whispered.

He shook his head.

“I can't sleep,” he said. He leaned his head into your hand. “Not unless I know you'll be here when I wake up.”

You reached up to lay a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I'll be here,” you said, certain of yourself now. “I'll always be here.”

Hoseok opened his eyes, regarding you doubtfully. He sniffled, his tears starting to ease.

“I know that I fucked up, that I hurt you-”

Hoseok shushed you with a finger on your lips.

“I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm tired of thinking about it.”

He sank further down, wrapping his remaining arm around you. He lined your throat with a tender trail of featherlight kisses, settling between your legs, resting his head on your chest. His eyes fluttered closed as you stroked long circles down his back, fingers playing in his hair.

Your thoughts buzzed as you held him, the long lines of his back spread out, bared in front of you.

He was being too kind again. It worried you. Why wasn't he angry? If only he would yell or curse or something, anything to break the tension you felt deep inside yourself. Maybe you didn't understand everything about him. After all these years together, was there still more you didn't know about him? After all, you had never tested his boundaries quite like this. You had never tried to break free of yourself before.

You reached over to switch off the bedside lamp, Hoseok's arms tightening as you shifted beneath him.

Maybe the threat of breaking had helped you find a new perspective. You still felt the lack of emotion, pure apathy lurking beneath the surface, waiting to swallow you whole. Would it always be a constant battle with yourself? Would you always have to fight yourself to be good enough for him?

The questions swirled in your head until you were dizzy. But still you held him, sleeping in your arms while the night ticked on around you, your own mind plagued by your worries.

You might not know yourself the way you wanted to, or know why every emotion was a struggle, but you did know what you wanted to be. Safety for Hoseok, a shelter he could turn to anytime things might get difficult for him. But how could you transform yourself from a rock on the ground that he might trip on, annoying and problematic, to someplace he might think of as home? You saw where you needed to be, what you needed to be, but you didn't know how to get there.

Hoseok stirred, bracing himself on one arm long enough to peel himself off you and fall to the side. You distinctly felt the lack of him, missed the weight of him, and you looked down at him regretfully.

Without opening his eyes, Hoseok took your wrist and pulled you down with him. His arms snaked around you, his flat palm finding the small of your back. Gently, he gathered you against his front, tucking you into his chest. His lips pressed warmly against your forehead.

“Sleep,” he whispered, his breath rustling in your hair.

His heart beat steadily against your ear, and for a moment, you thought you might be able to. The gentle rhythm was lulling and familiar, but everything else, all the self blame and mental gymnastics pinned your consciousness in place, ripping sleep from your grasp.

You wiggled yourself closer, trying to find a comfortable position, but nothing would work.

Still the late hours wore on, you felt frozen in time and space, as the world kept moving on without you. You stared blankly off into the darkness of your bedroom.

A few moments later, Hoseok sighed.

“What's wrong?” His words barely had any volume, but shattered the thick silence that had fallen.

“Why aren't you mad?” you heard yourself say, the words spilling out thoughtlessly.

Hoseok didn't answer. His hand ran up your back, finding a better angle to hold you even more tightly.

In the dark, you felt him carefully guide your face up to his. You felt his lips brush yours, but he didn't crash down like you guessed he would.

“Tonight I really thought I had lost you,” he said. “I came home, and you were gone, your stuff was gone. It felt like I had lost... everything.” He pressed a tiny kiss of punctuation. “But you came back, you're here now.”

“But I fucked up so badly.”

“Don't, ok? Just don't. I just want to forget. Just for tonight.”

“Ok.” Your voice was a tiny murmur, far away from where you felt you were.

His arms didn't lose their pressure on your frame, even as he renewed his efforts to kiss you. It was messy in the dark and the exhaustion that tugged at both of you, his lips slipping or missing their target, but none of that reduced its significance.

The rest of you began to enjoy this attention, but a tiny voice raised its fist in rebellion in the back of your mind.

Would this be his solution to all your problems, then? Just to kiss you until you lost yourselves in the intimacy, forgetting what your real problems were? To ignore something long enough until it goes away?

It was there, bare and exposed as if in broad daylight, but you didn't want to look at it either. Maybe he was right too.

You tucked into him with a renewed focus, spreading your hands over his chest. His pressure increased in response, his hand on your back slipping beneath your shirt.

At the flick of your tongue on his bottom lip, Hoseok surged forward, pushing you onto your back. His fingertips played in the waistband of your pants, wanting nothing more than to ease beneath all of your layers.

Your mind raced with your pulse. Did you want this? Did he even want this, or were you both just doing it out of habit?

Hoseok retreated to breathe, his pulse elevated under your touch. You felt him staring down, the questions in his eyes evident, even in the darkness. Had he felt your hesitation?

“You should sleep,” he said in a whisper, his voice low and breathless. His thumb gently traced your chin.

He sat up, propping himself on an arm at your side.

“Yeah.” You rolled onto your side, curling into a ball and facing away from him. “Yeah, you're right.” You closed your eyes and feigned falling asleep.

Hoseok sighed loudly, falling down onto mattress behind you in a heavy heap. Without a second thought, his arms wove their way around your middle, untangling the knot you had made of yourself. He curled around your back, tucking you against himself. He swung his leg on top of yours, his heavy thigh keeping you in place.

You felt his nose poke against your neck as his breathing eased and shallowed.

And now you were here once more, staring at the window as Hoseok held you. He was right behind you, tangled around you in a mess of limbs. His chest rose and fell against your shoulder in the most familiar of patterns.

He was close, but now, he felt even farther away from you. For entirely different reasons.

#I like writing this again #shin hoseok #wonho x reader #monsta x #monsta x fics #mx fics #mx angst #wonho fics #kpop fics #kpop angst #how to find lost things

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onenightandgone · 5 years

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How to Find Lost Things (Three)

Genre: Angst Pairing: Hoseok x Reader Length: 3.2k Summary: Being with him was the stuff dreams are made of. But those weren’t your dreams. Chapters: (One)~(Two)

Leaves are one of those things. One day, it can feel like maybe you finally turned it over, things can finally start fresh again, but leaves are fickle things. All it takes is a slight breeze and you're right back to where you started. Leaves are incapable of holding on to anything but your nice sweater.

You thought carefully as Hoseok poured coffee into two mugs. Were you a leaf or an anchor? Hoseok was an anchor, there was no question. He was solid, unbreakable. He was the type of person you knew would be there, no matter when or what the issue. If only you could say the same for yourself.

But that was your goal.

Hoseok's arm wove around your back as he replaced the coffee pot on the counter. He sat down facing you, pulling your stool closer between his legs.

You studied him carefully, but Hoseok did not meet your gaze. Instead he rested his forehead on your shoulder, tired, worn out by the morning's ordeal. You felt another pang of guilt wrench tightly in your throat. You did what you could, tilting your head and snuffling your nose through the hair at the top of his head.

Hoseok pinched your side and sat up slightly.

“Drink your coffee,” he said. He nudged your mug closer to you before taking up his spot on your shoulder again.

“Why aren't you drinking yours?” You played your fingertips lightly over his scalp.

Hoseok sighed.

“I have to leave soon,” he said quietly.

The tension ebbing from his frame was thick. From all the years you had known Hoseok you knew that the best thing you could do at a time like this was nothing. You wanted to help, to shove the burden from his shoulders, but his thoughts, his heart, they were his own and he had to work through things at his own pace. Of course, at his own pace, with his fingers tangled in yours.

Hoseok sighed again and lifted his head. His lips brushed against your cheek, more from habit than a kiss on purpose.

“You should come with me,” he said. There was no question, no simple request in his tone.

“Will it make you feel better?” You said. You don't know why, it wasn't something you normally asked, but somehow, this time it seemed important.

Hoseok nodded, this time making eye contact.

“I need - I need to know you're not gone,” he said.

You gave him a sad smile, and bridged the gap between your lips and his cheek.

“I'm not gone,” you said in a small voice. “I'm right here.”

Your heart have a tiny flutter to hear your own words. They didn't feel cold or distant, they felt like they came straight from your chest.

Hoseok's hand on your side spread wide, his thumb rubbing a warm arc into your skin. He leaned in close again, and you felt his nose press against your cheekbone.

You closed your eyes to focus on him, on how he felt. He was holding you, it was real and personal, but still foreign.

He placed a soft, lonely kiss on your cheek before leaning back and picking up your mug.

You stirred and looked from the mug to his face. You didn't take it.

Hoseok held out the coffee insistently.

“I don't want anything, I'm okay,” you said.

“This isn't about you,” he said. “Drink.” His tone was commanding, lacking any sort of tenderness.

The roughness of it took you by surprise, and you accepted the coffee, more from shock than anything else. Hoseok watched you until you took a full sip and swallowed.

You gave him a “there, I did it,” look and tried to put it back on the counter.

Hoseok sighed loudly.

“You should eat something too,” he said.

“I'll eat if you eat,” you said defiantly. His fingertips traced your shoulder blade.

Hoseok had seemed to run out of words, simply shaking his head and wiggling himself closer.

The shock of everything, having just come back from the brink of disaster - it was still so overwhelming. Hoseok laid his head on your shoulder once more, unwilling or unable to move away from you.

His phone beeped and vibrated from the other side of the kitchen island you used as a table.

“You should probably get going,” you said softly. You hooked an arm around to his back, doing your best to hold him in return.

Hoseok sighed again, his shoulders shifting over your touch as he gathered the will to stand. He did so slowly and soon towered over you. You braced for him to say his usual goodbye, wanting nothing more than the familiarity and love that went into the gesture, but it never came.

Hoseok looked down at you, his eyes wide and red.

“Are you ready to go?” He shrugged towards the door.

“You're serious?”

He nodded.

“I can't- I'm not ready to go without you today,” he said. Hoseok's face glinted red with shame at admitting his need. His fingers played in the ends of your hair. That was familiar, a habit for when he was waiting for you to pay attention to him.

“It's okay,” your said sadly. “You're allowed to say you don't trust me. I wouldn't trust me either.”

“It's not- no-” he stumbled over his twisting words and thoughts, all of it knotting in his mouth, trying to get out at once. “I… I saw something in you, something I never want to see again. I'm worried about you, okay?”

You nodded and stood, wrapping your arms around his torso, letting yourself sink into his chest.

Hoseok held you without hesitation. His hand caressing lovingly over the small of your back.

“You don't need to be worried about me. All you should worry about is surviving that new choreo,” you said. You looked up at him and tried to smile.

Hoseok didn't return the look. You probably told him something similar before. In fact, he looked doubtful, the concern weighing heavy in the centre of his forehead.

“I almost lost you an hour ago. You don't get to tell me what I should be worried about.” The words were cold, the steel ringing in his voice.

The tears stung at the corners of your eyes, and you tried to pull away from him, but the trap of his arms had already sprung. He gripped the back of your t-shirt, keeping you in place against his chest.

“I already broke everything, I'm the worst, I know,” you said bitterly. “Why don't you just let me go then? You shouldn't want to be with me.”

The words tore from your mouth before you could stop them. There they were. Out in the open. Broken glass to cut him, just enough to let you go. To let you be free of this thing you thought you didn't feel anything for.

But the years with Hoseok had formed a habit that was hard to break, and you were used to it, used to all of it. The sounds- how he got ready for bed, how he ate, how he sang when he helped you clean the apartment. The feeling of his hands, or some part of him against you. The feeling that Hoseok was home for you. Without him, what did you have? The question still had no answer.

But at least you had dared to ask it.

The effect of your words was immediate and obvious. Hoseok's arms fell from your frame uselessly to his sides. He took a step back, looking at you with eyes deep with sadness.

“Don't you dare- don't- don't ever say anything like that again,” he said. “I've only ever wanted you, to be with you. How can you even think things like that?” His face scrunched in concentration, trying to keep the tide at bay, under his surface. Hoseok stopped to take a heavy breath.

You watched him silently. If only the earth would split open and swallow you whole. That was the only way you were getting out of this. You deserve it though, you started it. If only you knew how you could finish it without hurting him irreparably.

Hoseok reached for you, reached to cup your face. The motion was unsure, unsteady. Something you had never seen from him. It unsettled you to your core, and you flinched as you saw the hand come close to you.

Gentleness was not what you were expecting, not reasonably. Just like Hoseok didn't expect to see the fear and doubt stain your features.

He almost pulled back at first, almost retreated, but he took a deep breath to steady himself. Resolved to make this connection with you, Hoseok inched closer until the warmth of his palm settled on your cheek.

You closed your eyes, your heart racing. His touch was soothing, and you should have melted into it, but the ice still hung in thick layers from your shoulders from the hurt you had dealt to both him and yourself.

Hoseok's other hand pressed against your chest, it's width covering your heart.

“Why are you scared of me?” His voice was laced with pain, with sadness.

His phone buzzed with another missed call.

You covered his hand on your heart with your own.

“I don't know what's wrong with me,” you said. You looked up to meet his eyes. “But none of this is your fault. You shouldn't feel like you need to fix me.”

Hoseok stepped in closer. He leaned down, and you felt his breath on your face. Hot and sweet, his signature.

Like a homing missile, you knew where he was headed. His face angled down, lips searching for yours. Predictable Hoseok.

You let him kiss you, face him the satisfaction of feeling like you we somehow making and with the simple physical gesture. You gave him one second, two, three, before you pulled away.

There was none of the desperation of the morning, none of the hunger that Hoseok usually poured into your mouth. Just a tender affection, a silent statement of his desire to be with you, to be close with you.

But it seemed like everything you did hurt him. God, why couldn't you stop hurting him?

“You should go,” you whispered.

The only answer was the creak of the refrigerator in the corner.

Hoseok swept the pad of his thumb over your cheekbone gingerly, his eyes locked into you. He gave no notion, no hint of acceptance, no sign of motion.

“You're coming with me, right?” He said, finally.

“I only get in the way there.”

Hoseok sighed. He closed any distance between you, locking an arm around your waist, leaning in to kiss your forehead. He leaned back just to look down at you. His expression was serious.

“The only way I'll leave is if you promise that you'll still be here when I get back,” he said.

“I'll do my best “

“That's not good enough,” he said. “You have to- we need to work this out, whatever it is. Please give me a chance.”

“A chance for what?”

Hoseok stepped back, running his fingers through his hair in annoyance.

“To help you, to work this out together. Whatever it is.”

You crossed your arms over your stomach, constructing a barrier between you.

“I already told you, Hoseok, this isn't your problem. You shouldn't worry about me. I just have to- I don't know, figure things out.”

“How long have we been together?” His voice rose as he spoke. A tiny hint of anger flashed into his expression. “How long have I been your boyfriend? And you think- what, all of it means nothing to me? ‘Oh, my girlfriend is going through some tough shit, but whatever, it's just her problem, no worries!’” His tone was mocking, as if the mere thought was ridiculous. “Anything you go through, your problems are my problems too. You should trust me that much at least. You should have some sort of faith in me, in what I've built with you.”

You were stunned. What could you say that would be worth his time? What could you say that could match his intensity and focus?

“You should go,” you heard yourself repeat.

Hoseok scoffed loudly.

“As if I'm going to listen to you.”

He took your arm and towed your away from the front door, snatching his phone from the counter. He was grim with his determination, his jaw clenched. His hand unyielding in its direction.

Maybe you were both discovering new sides of yourself. Your hurtful honesty. Hoseok's grim determination.

“It's not like everything will be magically fixed if you stay home today, or even if I go with you. Sitting in a corner watching you dance isn't a recipe for anything.”

You felt Hoseok's grip on your arm waver for a moment. The truth in your words was unavoidable. You could be right about some things, even if your perception of the world itself was way off base.

Hoseok's gaze met yours, but the determination he had a moment ago has completely dissolved into confusion.

Your relationship with him before this had always been generally problem-free, your desire to please him, to keep him away from the cold distance in your heart had kept things running smoothly until now. But now, your strides had hitched, the rhythm and sync of your lives had been thrown off the rails. The destiny of every relationship.

Whether it got back on track, whether things could continue was up to you.

The shock of the truth had rendered him incapable, left him without course or direction.

What was next?

The look in his eyes said more than he could manage with his voice. He was stuck, frozen in place. What was he supposed to do? His expression pleaded with you for help.

What could you give him that he didn't already have?

“You should go to practice,” you said. “I'll be here when you get back.” You said it matter-of-factly, masking any emotion in your voice.

Hoseok stepped closer, his eyes wide with concern.

“You promise?” The edge of doubt, the tone of mistrust, those hurt more than anything he could have said.

“I promise,” you said firmly. “I'll be here and then - then we can talk.”

Hoseok's frame relaxed and he was back in your space again. He pressed his lips to yours, not hungrily, but still seeking. You poured what warmth you could muster into returning the gesture.

His fingers nested in the hair at the back of your head, drawing you against his chest, memorizing you with his kiss.

As if you might disappear.

He drew on a shaky breath as he retreated unwillingly. His unwillingness permeated his every motion. Letting go of you. Putting on his jacket. His eyes constantly shot back from his shoelaces to you.

You stayed put for all of it, holding still for Hoseok's final goodbye kiss, his hand knotting at your back.

“I love you, okay?” said Hoseok. He waited for you to respond, for any sorry of hint from you that you felt the same. He was sincere, apologetic, his honesty heartwarming.

You felt yourself be moved, your edges beginning to melt. Your pulse rioted in your veins, your head swimming with thoughts.

After all that hell… He still...

His fingertips traced your jawline as he waited patiently.

“Babe?” He kissed you again, as if to bring you back to earth. “Where did you go?”

You shook your head, trying to keep yourself centred. In the moment with him.

“Sorry, I got lost in my head for a moment,” you said with a tiny voice. Your cheeks coloured.

Hoseok gave you a small smile.

“Well, I love you anyway,” he said warmly. “Even when you go places where I can't follow.” He tapped your temple playfully. “You love me too, right?” He needed this. More than anything he needed to hear you say it. You could tell from the way he was touching you, technically holding you, but at a distance. Until he knew it was going to be okay.

And only you could make it okay for him. That power lay solely in your hands, even if you had never wanted it. It didn't matter what you wanted at this point, it was the way things had unfolded, the way you had woven your lives together.

“You know I do,” you said softly.

“But pretend that I don't. Just for today.” Hoseok lowered his face to your eye-level, placing his lips purposefully within easy reach.

You sighed and slid your palms up his chest, a gesture you knew he would love.

“Hoseok,” you said. But even the familiar name sounded foreign on your tongue. “I love you.” The words felt robotic, an automated response. But at this moment, it didn't matter how you felt, it only mattered that Hoseok believed you.

And he did. At least for now.

Hoseok smiled through the veneer of sadness in his expression.

Another stolen kiss later and he stepped away, the regret to be parted making every movement abnormally slow.

“We'll talk later, okay?” he said, looking back at you over his shoulder, his hand on the doorknob.

“Can't wait,” you said with a grimace.

Hoseok sighed and stepped out the door.

The lack of his presence was immediately noticeable. He was gone now, but why did it feel like you wanted him to stay? The weight at your centre felt like a ton of bricks had been suddenly forced on you, forcing the air from your lungs.

How could you just stay here, waiting for the bottom to drop out from under you? What were you supposed to do? There was no telling how long Hoseok would be gone, his schedule beyond erratic and unpredictable. It felt like you were waiting for the end.

You stayed still, frozen in your fearful thoughts. But maybe you were making sure he didn't change his mind.

Your thoughts scattered into countless pieces. You pictured the outcome of telling Hoseok the truth, how all the years with him had been lies. It was worse than the waiting, worse than the look in his eyes as he doubted you, lost his faith in you.

No. You couldn't handle this. You were too weak, and that much you could admit. There wasn't enough pride in the world to make it worth it.

You took a step back, your legs shaking. Was this - could you?

You took a deep breath, swallowing hard. You settled it in your mind.

This was better.

You turned, your thoughts consumed with the still-packed backpack on the bedroom floor where Hoseok had thrown it.

It was a broken promise, yes, but it was the lesser of the two evils available to you. You couldn't think of how Hoseok would react when he got home to your empty apartment, there was no room to consider it. It was unimaginable.

You changed quickly, grabbing an extra sweater and, just for the sentiment, one of Hoseok's favourite baseball caps. You did the quick math as you swung the bag strap over your shoulder.

You would have enough for the train ticket, hopefully. Not enough for a hotel. And no destination.

You stepped out the door, letting the air fill your lungs. It was strange and refreshing, as if you had never been outside before. You squinted into the sunlight as you stepped down onto the sidewalk.

It wasn't far from here. Only a few kilometers to go.

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