philosoph0e

[philosoph0e]

This blog makes me miss f45 but there ain’t no gad dang free trials here in Tas

i don’t have much alone time rn and its hard to do self growth but also it’s very easy to lean on that as a means to not fit in the growth so yeah, she know deep down, she know.

been bingeing the Start Up and playing tennis and being a heaps salty loser and meditating a lot more but that’s like max three times a week. But every sit!! Counts!!

everything’s a lesson so I think right now it’s like how do you establish healthy boundaries and not use other people as an excuse for not doing what you know is good for you and also how to not be salty over losing at tennis.

but over all absolutely loving not working and living with mum and the tranquility of semi rural Tasmanian life. Wow.

[philosoph0e]

Heron and Heroes

[philosoph0e]

What is with this disgusting obsession with romantic partners? It reduces me to such unintelligent cycles and points of focus. i s’pose it also brings about much richness of experience. But you could definitely cop the latter without the former.

I wonder what sorts of soul and brain fulfilling endeavours one would embark on without the delightful distraction of romantic chemistry.

inevitably, loneliness would consume you, but also compel you to fill the hole in ya heart with stuff other than requited love. getting love just your brand of requited is a whole other Ted TalkX.

gratitude, gratitude, i lack gratitude and I know this but it’s a certain type - the one that trumps missing someone cos you more glad for the experience. I gotta connect the dots of having experienced someone with having someone - you can never “have” in the way you think but if you experienced that itself is yours forever to cherish. Vipassana coming soon can’t believe a corner of my brain considered it’s worth over pending more time with Harry. Addiction trumps reason. i’m fall asleep.

[philosoph0e]

[philosoph0e]

I’m pretty sick ngl

tucked away in Corey‘s hotel room not a bad place to be under the weather. If only I had a key so I could return

alas, today I must submit my birth certificate application form which is one of the things I have put off and put off and put off like there’s some kind of rhyme or reason (the existence of a hard copy elsewhere about to be made accessible) (in reality it’s locked away hidden in storage)

if I can get that done that’d be huge and I will give myself a reward. I also have to go to the post office but that’s not usually open on a saturday

and purchase my sleeping bag. and pick up belongings for tomorrow. Will tomorrow be happening if we this sick?

i don’t know. It’s good to rest. But for a long time now I have felt a tugging guilt that I am wasting my life time - not working on my intelligence, not making intelligent choices. all good and well if having fun, which I have been experiencing, but the thrills are getting cheaper. The bike trip will be so good. I crave intellectual company but not so challenging that I bore. I want that sweet mix of intellectual and invested in feeling.

-

[philosoph0e]

it’s 3am and Harry just left for placement and I do love him guys. 

when we were falling asleep I was just lying there next to him thinking “i love you” quite a lot and because I actually didnt sleep, continued to think it all through the night. Still got half the night to go. He’s so b e a u t i f u l and pure. 

I will miss him very much.

[philosoph0e]

i am just writing here to write. 

here, because it’s invisibly in public.

public to my future selves. 

i am self sabotaging on a regular basis but the healthy habits are still present like three days a week? if i’m analyising it without being adolescent i reckon its being not super stoked on your job make you lazy cos you spend a lot of energy just tryna focus on shit you dont really want to, so you’re burned out.

also I guess I’m fitting quite a lot on the plate. the fewer hours is much more managable with the double shift teaching improv days. And teaching improv is much more fulfilling for my brain. but i don’t have the energy to look after myself in the way i want to and probably actually could if i wasn’t so lazy. 

Obstacles like the freezing fridge get in the way of good food. But if we’re being real I barely cook, and have barely cooked since leaving Queensland. it’s an every now and then sort of thing. I’d like to change that.

Also I’m moving out and overseas and preparing for a big bike trip so those are three pretty big things to be juggling. I guess? I always draw up these big plans for the countdown to new chapters, thinking, hoping my motivation will be ignited by the final push of a deadline drawing closer. Doesn’t often. The most motivation I usually feel is at the start when I have plenty of time, or if I’ve kept up a keen consistency, that often carries me through. Or if I’m seeing results. 

Hoping with all my crossed fingers and toes that it clears up sunshine bright for Glebe markets on Saturday. My big haul. Otherwise I will have to cut my losses and do a Swop and Op shop run. I can’t send more than 1 suitcase and 1 box to mum. That’s my rule. And 1 little one to dad. 

What am I gonna wear to my party? Am I gonna find a dj? All important questions the world is dying for answers to!!! 

Could skip going to the shire on sunday spend the day cleaning out home and getting costume and fairy lights etc? also need to apply for birth certificate and go to gym and a few things, no? Will have Rose’s car for weekend so should milk that with op shop runs and a bike drop off? this post is now getting boring to any potential future readers. Adios xoxoxoxo

[philosoph0e]

looking at a golden chain, noticing the rust

the hand that feeds has a bit of dirt under one fingernail, oh does it now?

you can even be ungrateful for the amount of gratitude that you got

ha ha ha

these blessings, they’ll rot

[philosoph0e]

feelings feelings all the different feelings

fatigue fatigue up late with fatigue

frenchy frenchy never learned it fluently 

jealousy jealousy of old mate jasper foley

we don’t typically speak of him here but here we are.

I guess THe LeSsSon EnSuEs.

I think I put all my eggs in one basket and completely relied on him for my happiness, validation and feelings of security. That and acting, two wholly unreliable egg carrying baskets. 

You need to carry eggs in a tiny basket that doesn’t let them roll around or slip out. That tiny basket has to be in you. Does it not? And you can pop an egg in another basket here and there. You can chuck three in if you want!! Hell, you could technically put all the eggs out into a whole other basket, but it just is worth noting that they may crack and yolk will spill. And I guess we can’t help that, nor the reserving of the eggs for safer self baskets BuT! Can’t we do anything about it? Yes I think we can make the self basket super lit. I think we can take the self basket to another country and even if you wish it was a bigger foreigner one, you weave that basket hard with the gems of a native stalk not too far from your own land. We can keep exploring with the self basket and learn new skills and keep trying to meditate and not just writing about the meditating as I’ve been doing for many a moon now. We can keep weaving good vibes into the basket and good principles into the basket and there’s always plenty of philosophy to come from the “it don’t really matter” chat but also “it all gonna end” helps to make whatever you want matter seem like a better idea. Does it not? And I’m thinking if we keep honing in on this lil self basket, even when the eggs are done coming, it’ll be an awfully nice basket for someone else to put their eggs in if they should choose. 

I don’t want to look at a photo of myself for a long time.  I would like to lapse back into an egoless shell and just radiate love.

I will work on these things when I’m in New Zealand and don’t have to worry too much about keeping hot for a boyfriend. Or girlfriend.

But then again, attracting a mate is so natural and inclination. can that be helped? Can we give into it only so far? Can I grow whilst continuing to give in?

I always have done so many things. 

It’s probably time I noted down that I don’t think I’ll be falling in love with H.

News Report! Insta Live! Unopened Snap!

I don’t think I will be falling in love with Harry.

Why come?

I don’t feel seen and understood and challenged in a cognitive sense, I guess.

And it’s been so nice to be with someone not so challenging. He challenges me without knowing it. I feel bad for saying anything negative. he is so innocent. and positive. A golden retriever beautiful soul. He is very much like Mr Peanut Butter from Bojack Horseman. Apolitical, ignorant of the world (just like I am to a degree, I know), what else is it? Not super clever? In the way I am. Clever in others. Informed and aware in others. No one is perfect. I point fingers like I’m getting paid. 

He has been romance without the drama. I am settling into a heart departure. I wouldn't be hurting him, would I? I must be very careful, but it seems like he has always expected the end. There was a period where I got caught up for a second. He is a chapter or so behind me, but even his getting caught up doesn’t translate as super vulnerable. What’s that? Vulnerability well hidden? Or the plausible possibility that he will be actually fine without me. I do love him. 

We won’t be shouting it to each other from the rooftops anytime soon. But isn’t that sad that we have to self protect? And protect each other I guess, is what we’re really doing there. I wish I could squeeze out of him more honesty.

Freshly squeezed honesty juice. That’s what I’d like to drink. i think... 

[philosoph0e]

you’re the type to find a good gram cooler than none at all

think I’m lost on you but maybe I’m wrong

turn and toss with you but your touch string me along

what we doin what we doin we jus playin all strong? mmmmm

yeah,

i feel another song comin on

[philosoph0e]

[philosoph0e]

[philosoph0e]

I don’t even know what falling in love is anymore cos I’m not sure this is it but things are happening tides are pulling the heart does tend to swell.

on sat night Harry kinda told me he loved me and when I say kinda I mean emphasis on the kinda cos he said it but it was more like “how I say it to my fam and friends”. but vipatience, you see, is stronger within me than t’was before, or maybe it’s that I’m just bang on in the same boat? he has a different perspective on what Love is, and I don’t thing it has to last to be true but I see where he’s coming from and I’m not overly phased. So then what’s that about? I mean fuck, it‘d be nice to hear it with a bitta conviction but I’m also all good and also, I actually am tho. He’s just a boy. And he’s never had a girlfriend before and until recently he’s been of the firm opinion that if it doesn’t last til you’re old and grey then it wasn’t really real to begin with. he’s such a wild card. So innocent and fresh like an Egyptian cotton sheet straight out the wash. silky. But also like a corrupted, privileged aussie teenager, in some ways. the shire the shire the shire. But then he fully makes love so we’re all out here asking the director for some insights and his cut thank you so much.

my Puberty Blues boy, is what he is. But no one is anyone’s. But he is that to me. anyway. I go round and round. Up and down. He doesn’t drive me crazy. (unless craziness is the up and down of it) maybe that’s why I dont mind. perhaps I feel the same? Love him but not in love, and I think that’s what he’s getting at. I do look at him and cant stop staring. And I do find it very hard not to touch him all the time. Kissing him is amazingly still so good, even though we’ve done it so much wouldn’t we get sick of it or somethin? I wonder if he is. He seems to love to touch just as much as me and it rocks my fucking socks that does. I love that he’s always smiling. He’s contagious like Qui. I can’t talk to him about real stuff much. But every now and then he really surprises. he also does do surprises which is what? Of mine? A love language?

I feel very happy with him I guess is what it boils down to. there are plenty of incompatibilities but they can’t seem to win over the buckets of blessings. And the leaving thing has always been an oncoming chapter. dangling above our time together dusting it with sparkles, like a memory.

sparkly memories being made Before my eyes.

banging in the back yard, all day in the sun

Moving the mattress around, eating fruit, getting caught by rose

another time in the rain 🌧 that’s was fucking cool!!!

emily walked in on that.

we also had great sex on his boat. and in a field in the way home from our first camping trip, we went by canoe. It was our first time alone without distraction, I was touched at how present he was being with me. Present through the potential awkwardness of not knowing what to do. Happy to be out in nature like I am. I love that about him. Fish Torching™️

and even just yesterday, kissing in bed, mattress pulled out to the living room. So much kissing and touching and cuddling and sighing I M E A N

~just~ like family and friends. 😈

leaving doesn’t feel real but it is and it will be hard. I know with my brain what I can’t yet thinkfeel with my heart.

i am up so late tonight I’m gonna be fukt. A chai after 1pm’s what did it, and my tolerance after stopping coffee for a bit (not even a whole week yet) has depleted. I’m liking the benefits of the green tea exchange except for right nows experiens of no sleep

but good to write.

[philosoph0e]

Obsessed? With who? Don’t know what you’re talking bout, sorry

[philosoph0e]

[philosoph0e]

was werkin’ awt tonite and felt HUGEly motivated by the summer-esque quality of the night - the air was warm, the frogs were ribitting, people were out sweating like it was the GC and it did feel like Queensland. God i Miss that chapter!!! For more reasons than 1, lol, i DiGress. 

It’s the second day of Spring. Summer is essentially 3 months away.

3 months is a good time in which to get ripped.

Don’t we miss our lil 3 month attempt stints to get ripped?

Why not have one now? 

I have a lot to be hot for.

I’m doing it. it’s happening. No more packaged food, and lots more peppermint tea. Green tea, bring that one back like it’s 2011! Let’s get this BREAD. (off the menu lol low CARB.)

Fitness playground - rejoin to get rid of contract. 6 Weeks 3 x a week. 

Bike ride like it’s yo miutherfucking day job + CoMMISH

Yoga - keep up the great work :D

Bring back a cheeky run? maybe on the grass and up the hills and stuff.

And then Swimming! Of course! Swimming. Fuck. To fit all this innnn. You know? You know. You’re me. 

It all starts with getting enough sleep and we know that. But we don’t seem to empirically get it, ever, do we? 

Getting up early is the Queen of getting ripped. So perhaps this is all gonna have to start with a focus on going to bed. Or course I’m not a scratch tired right now and it’s about 10. 

The week could be like: bed by 9.30 up at 5.30 - ride bike, to beach, swim, ride back/to work, finish work > go to gym or yoga > come home > READ > go to sleep. Keep that budget tight, keep that brain meditated and well read, keep that body nourished and well watered, keep the fridge full of fresh food. Keep standing up at work.

1 life admin day a week, two weekend days a week, rinse repeat, yum yum, only 3 months til the ride anyway! :O

Let’s.

[philosoph0e]