qasyazart15

[qasyazart15]

It takes a long time to make love with someone who hates themselves.

Buddy Wakefield (via thoughtkick)

Could not agree more

[qasyazart15]

Today I woke up, I realized that I can never forget something that I want. But I can learn and push myself to let it go. So here I am, today I choose to let it go. Completely

[qasyazart15]

I'm tired of this feeling. I'm thinking about you all day and night. Every single time. But then, I saw that you just the same. You are really enjoying your life. You hang out with other girls. You doing you favorite activities. You are doing well. You don't seem remember me at all. You know what? That's good for you that you are completely deleting me in your life. That's good. So that you will not know how it feels to be me. I'm dying each time I see you in the media social. I'm dying to see you happy without me. But it's okay. It's me that slowly dying. I will let the old me dying and I will build up the new me, one fine day. Too bad, I can't feel that I'm not the same person anymore. When others said that time heals everything, I can definitely said it wrong. It's not time, it's just us, I mean yourself. You can have thousand days but still you can't heal your damage heart. It's just you. So, the question that I keep on repeating in my mind, when will I healing myself? I still don't have the answer

[qasyazart15]

Do you know how much I miss us?

[qasyazart15]

That night

It is one month and 4 days from the day that you decided to give up on me. Finally, you have made your final decision. Let me tell you something. On that day, when you text me and asked me for a dinner, I do mad at you. You ignored me like I'm nothing for almost 2 weeks but then you asked me for a dinner out of blue. Like you always do. And of course, I can't never say no when it comes to you. I thought that you want to make it clear between us. But, then when I came, again you don't have your key. For many times. No. I don't mad at you. I just wonder why you do not check it earlier. No. I don't mad at you. I always there and wait for you. Even though you asked me to went back to my house but I refused because I don't want to keep you waiting for me to come back. You never said sorry about that. But I understand it was not your fault and i don't mad at you. Then, when we at the stall, you keep on silent and as usual you keep on playing with your phone. I do feel disappointed at that time. I tried to comfort myself that maybe you have something important or it was your friends or family texted you. But, I saw that you are busy scrolling your fb and looking on fishing page. Yes. I know it is your passion. Your hobby. Your life. But, we were not going out for almost 2 weeks and when the time comes, you choose to ignore me, again. I might sound childish, immature or just named it everything you like, but your action hurts me. I've lost my appetite at that time and I feel like to get away from there. Like seriously tell me what's the point to go out with someone that do not want to talk to you, do not even want see your face and make you feel like a burden. I don't know why you even asked me to go out that night if you are not ready to see me. But like always, this annoying girl, will keep on silent and don't want to make it worst because she is not a girl that like to make a scene. But I know you don't like it. You want me to show my anger. Raise my voice to you. But, I am not that kind of girl anymore. Yes, I put the word "anymore". It means that I was like that. But let me tell you something, I hate that kind of "me". That's why I've changed. But, you can't accept it. No. It is not your fault. Never. How can we put the blame on others when they can't even accepted our flaws. So, clearly it was my flaws and my imperfections. Don't blame yourself if you can't accept it. I do understand. After the dinner, you keep on the silent treatment. Yes. I already know that you want me to ask. So, I put all my strength to ask you what did I do so wrong until you treat me that way. You gave your explanation. No. I am not shocked with your explanation. I've expected it. I accepted your opinion. And as usual I will ask you the same question. Do you still want to fight for me? That night. Yes. That night, the answer has changed. You have decided to give up on me. I mean, on us. My heart feel empty. A lot of questions and explanations keep on running on my mind. But I can't even describe it into words. You told me that we are not suitable for each other. You told me that we are not in the same page. You told me that the way we have been raised was different. You told me that you are the one that always made me cry. You told me that I deserved someone better. You told me that we were not understand each other and always misunderstood our words, opinion and thought. And lastly, you told me that you want to give up on us. The only thing that I can asked you was "are sure with your decision?" I keep on repeating the same question and you keep on repeating the same answer. And that time, I felt the pain that I've never felt before. It feels like you forgot how to breath. Trust me, I'm completely broken inside and out. I want to fight for us but when I've realized that you have make up your mind, I feel lost. Let me tell you something. Actually, I have a lot to say and replied on your opinion. But I don't have the strength anymore. You said that we are not suitable. After a year that we have been through together, then you really said that? I was disappointed. Really. Then, we are not in the same page? Of course we're not in the same page sayang. I know it from the beginning. But that what makes us to fall in love with each other. Did you forget that? We have never be in the same page. Never. You choose me before because I'm totally different with you. And finally you choose to leave me because of the same reason. I'm so confused. Like really. Then, the way we have been raised is completely different. Yes. I agreed. Of course it is different. And now you see it as a lack. I don't blamed you. Maybe you were right. You also told me that you always made me cry. Yes I admitted it. I'm sorry if my tears bothered you. I hate it when I cried in front of someone. I hate it. Really. I don't want any sympathy. But, you once told me that you want me to share my feelings with you. So, I'm trying to open up with you. I try to show some of my anger to you. But, with you, my anger turns into tears. I can't handle it. So that day, I cried. In front of you. Not because I hate you. It because I want to share my feelings with you. Like you always asked. But, from that day, you start to blamed yourself for each of my tears. You defined my tears in a wrong way. From that day, I have learnt that it kind a sin for me to cried in front of you because my tears make you feel hurt. But yes. I didn't tell you this. I really don't have the strength to do so. And I thought that I will not make any differences if I told you this since you have decided to give up on us. Yes, I asked you not to give a damn on me if you really want to give up on us. Yes. You did. I also did the same on media social and in front of others. I pretending that I'm good, I have move on, post a lot of inspirational quotes but actually I keep on waiting for you. Each day, I wait for you to come and said that you just make a stupid decision just like I did before. I wait for you. Each time I heard a motorcycle in front of my house, I always pray that it was you. I keep on check on my phone. Was it from you. Every day. But, it never happened. I feel disappointed, broken and hurt but still I am not give up on you. Until, my birthday. I still wait for your text. A "happy birthday" is enough. I really miss you. But again. lt didn't happened. People told me that you can't break what is already broken. But, it was totally wrong. I still feel broken, each time, each day, and each of every second. Until now. No. It was not your fault. It is just my hope that killing me slowly. Now, you look much more happier without me. I don't know whether it was real or not but one thing for sure you did great. I am happy that you are happy. I am happy that you are not suffered just like me. I am happy that you keep going with your passion which is fishing. I am happy that you have a lot of friends to be side with you. I am happy that you survived without me. But I will not lied that I feel sad at the same time. Because it feels like I am not longer in your life. No. It is not just a feeling, it is true that I am no longer give effect in your life. As for me, I am still struggling. I can't stop thinking about you each and every second. Have you eat? Have you take a good rest? How about you family, mama, abah, ika and ijat? How about your game? Did you lost or win perfectly? Did you take any medicine when you said that you're having a fever on your insta story? How about your blood pressure? Have you learn to sleep early? I have a ton of questions but I will never get the answer from you. Never again. You know what. I am badly miss you. I am tired of pretending in front of others that I am okay. I do struggle with my final exam. I can't really focus on it. I can't even sleep well. At one time, I can't even sleep even though it was almost 3 am. I feel like crying. And I'm alone at that house. All my housemate went to their hometown. Yes I'm all alone. And all I think is you. When I felt scared at night, I thought about you. But I can do nothing about it. Until now, i can get sleep well. The last person I thought was you. And the first person I thought when I woke up, also you. But after all, I don't blame you for this. Yes you make mistakes. So do I. It just me that still struggling here. I don't know why I write all of this. Maybe because I know that no one read it. And also I want to know when will I can healing from this feeling. Until now, I miss everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, your smell, your membebel, your love, your anger, your imperfections, your cursing, your everything. Everything. I still love you and always do. But I can do nothing about it because this time, you are the one that choose to give up on me.