radar-chaos

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Actually, you know what? I'm not done yet. I've got more shit to spill.

TRIGGER: SH; "Christian" (Hypocrite) Family

The amount GASLIT GUILT I hear in Evan in these lines:

"All I need is some time to think,

But the boat is about to sink."

Doubt in his actions after they've gone off; wondering if he really was right to take a step away.

"Can't erase what I wrote in ink;

Tell me, how could I change this story?"

(Yes I know the line is "could you change" but I hear "could I change" from Platt)

Can't erase- He's already hurting; he's in pain, the first part of the process in manipulating someone into turning back to the manipulator. Inflicting unwanted things as a punishment for not doing exactly what they want.

Without the context of Dear Evan Hansen, he sounds like he's now regretting his decisions, he's doubting his own judgement, the precise goal of gaslighting.

"All the words that I can't take back;"

This alone just screams it. Whether or not he believes them, I have been there, regretting telling that person how I truly feel. I have been punished for having an opinion of my own more times than I care to admit, and for more than just the subject of that person's behavior. (Especially as someone who comes from a conservative Christian family that doesn't believe in depression or anxiety; they call it "Satan trying to tear us apart")

"Like a train coming off the track

Cause the rails and my bones all crack"

Broken bones. Possibly as a form of self-harm? Though I know that that's a bit of a stretch.

Even the harming ideation aside, it just shows how much pain these people are putting him in because he tried to step away (AKA how I'm reading this as a lone song and not as part of the musical right now)

"I gotta find a way to stop it; stop it;

Just let me off!"

This is a visible display of the INNER destruction of a victim. No matter how well a victim can hide what they've been through, the trauma is so much worse on the inside, from anxiety to depression to PTSD (or C-PTSD). It shows that no matter what the abuser does to hide it, it will *always* be there, and it WILL shine through eventually.

"I'll shut my mouth and I'll let you go;

Is that good for you?

Would that be good for

You,

You,

You?"

The amount of rage this line fills me with.

I have been told I'm loud; I have been told I talk too much; I have been told I'm annoying; I have even been told to commit file delete on a couple occasions (I know there are people that have it worse too, and it breaks my heart) but nothing, NOTHING will be as "agonizing," as the song puts it, as hearing someone react to setting boundaries with "Well I'll just fuck off then!" As they expect me to immediately turn back and plead for them to stay. It's so heavily gaslighting that you could blow an apartment simply by lighting a match.

"And you say what you need to say

So that you get to walk away."

I'm not to pretend I'm perfect. I was horrid to my younger siblings in HS. I was awful, and overreacted to everything they said. I treated them like they were less than me (partly because my eldest sister felt the same to me) and only began to change as my junior year approached. I will forever regret that I had done.

In these actions of mine, it began to become a pattern. Even now, when a fight is started when I'm at home, I'm not assumed to be at fault for inciting it, no matter the real story. The siblings will admit when it's them, but it's not very often that that person believes it anymore. A lot of it is the consequences of my actions, and that is something that I've come to accept, though I know that because of the way I grew, siblings or not, she might have acted the same way, knowing her other behaviors.

"So you got what you've always wanted;

So you got your dream come true."

Ahh, there's the jealousy. Though not relevant in every case, I know that it's at least present in their case and in one other case, too. Some people lash out because they want what their victims are closer to.

These lyrics make my blood boil. And I almost love it because to me, it shines a light on behavior that isn't talked about as much.

You know-

I never once thought of just how much a song could sound like someone.

Good for You sounds exactly like the manipulation tactics of someone I grew up with.

"Good for *you,* *you,* *you!*"

Emphasizing the "you" part is absolutely shit I've heard for so many years because "everything isn't all about you!" I couldn't count the amount of times I've been told that when trying to explain my side of stories.

"Well, I guess if I'm not of use,

Go ahead; you can cut me loose."

Though not as strong, I will say that this reminds me of the jokes- or, lack thereof, that they make sometimes. I'm Autistic, so I struggle to recognize the difference between what they call "teasing" and a genuine insult, so I've almost always taken the former for the latter. Then, when they say its "teasing" and I point out that it just hurts, they go out and go "Well I guess I just can't joke with you. Oh dOn'T wOrRy, I wont EVER joke with you," in an attempt to get me to apologize. It feels the same in that its such a fucking overreaction and hysterical decision *designed* to provoke guilt and anxiety.

"Well, I'm sorry you had it rough;

And I'm sorry I'm not enough."

Do I even need to say it? "Myeh, myeh, myeh, I'm suuuch a baaad parent and I'll make a fuss of it to get you to praise me."

I know this song is about very reasonable anger for being lied to, but for the love of the gods, I can't get them out of my head when I listen to this song.

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Just noticed that in "Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts", when Thomas leaves and we get the shot of Logan looking around the space, the lyrics from the song in the dance scene which had been appearing throughout the rest of the episode ("We Could Fly" by Sam Sparro) are, "stop trying to hold the world"

IM SO UNWELL

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i enjoyed the stream so have these doodles i did :P

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Curse you for writing a poem so bloody beautiful I need to write fanfiction of it (silly)

Ksskkssksksk thank you <3

If you ever post a fanfic of it, lemme know. I'd love to read it :D

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When the Autism kicks in.

#autism baby #autism #actually autistic #real autism #weird child #middle child #autistic things #autistic adult #autistic experiences #autism things #no dormmate to stop me NOW

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Me and my sibling often have these weird mind reading episodes and so who would I be to NOT project that onto the twins?  A fool, thats what

Keep reading

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aim practice 🤠

dukeceit week day 5: cowboys

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Shout out to all the Black ppl that can no longer participate directly in the fandom they love because of the stresses of racism 👍🏾 you contain multitudes of value and I'm sorry that the color of your skin and the power of your voice makes people not want to acknowledge that.

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Him💜✨️💜

#no thoughts only h i m <3

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It's a lot healthier to go for a daily walk than to sign up for a gym membership you won't be using because you hate that kind of exercise. It's a lot healthier to eat a frozen meal than to skip a meal because you were too tired to cook something healthy. It's a lot healthier to take a quick shower than to procrastinate an elaborate routine for days. Don't aim so high that you won't be hitting anything!

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FINAL INSTALLMENT of the moist Fnaf Series

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biology of a stapler

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You can confiscate photoshop from me now

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characters in their 30's and older exploring their sexuality and discovering themselves beyond their teens and twenties is so important and beautiful and worth telling