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Aug 16th 2018
Wow
It’s been a year since I started writing this.
Lets do some updates
1) Tomorrow I’m moving down to Galveston where I will be starting medical school at UTMB. I have three roommates. They all seem pretty nice, except Mutmainnah but I haven’t met her.
2) My parents are the best thing in the world. I know I know that I keep complaining. I have wonderful relationships with my parents but my parents are definitely on the more crazy side. But I don’t hate them. And I resent the negative feelings I hold for them from time to time.
3) I’m a lot more grown up. I feel like 2017 was one of my lowest years but I’ve become a lot better I think.
4) I’m still trying to find myself. But I’ve had a lot of self fixing time too.
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Ive disassociated so much in my life that it doesn’t even hurt to leave my parents behind because home rarely feels like home and i constantly find myself wanting to be a part of a different family.
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August 27th Repeat.
My dad is shit.
I’m sorry Allah (SWT) I am going to be more patient, but I literally cannot trust men because of my father.
My dad is shit.
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Accomplishments for 2017
1. Green Fellowship + Poster Presentation
2. Graduation
3. MCAT (2X)
4. Interviews- UTMB + PLFSOM + Acceptance to UTMB
5. Publishment
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December 20th. 12:00
I made it. I’m almost there. I’m almost there.
MCAT- check
Interview #1 invitation- check
Update:
Interview-Check
Interview #2 Invitation-Check
Acceptance- Check
I made it. I actually really made it. It’s hitting me after a day. I spent my whole life waiting for this moment.
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Nov 1st. 3:37 P.M.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to be someone else
Whether it be afia or sidra or the actress from BOF or now the BTS group
It’s really sickening.
Bc I am not happy with myself or my life and I just
I wish I was content.
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October 15. 11:18 P.M
I found this post that I wrote last year so that I could remember everything about Hayyan,
~
December 13, 2016: 12:25 A.M
Met him May 8th
Busted his face the next week
Starts caring
-all scratched up
Told me doesn’t date
NIdyan
Indirectly holding hands
Tells me that he will not come on certain days
Sending separate snapchats
Going to lunch
talks about sister
Wants to go to apple store
Get mad for ditching him for Afia
Buys me cereal
“I know everything about you!”
“I’ve told you everything about you!”
Instagram Post
Car
Wear glasses for me
Stopping me at the elevator
Findsout the gf-“Allah Hafiz Nida”
“are you okay, why didn’t you come today.”
Same schedule
“seperation anxiety.”
Made me eat fruits
Facebook
Fed me gum
Star Trek and dad
Will find your dad at BHA
Fights
Green Fellows- and cupcake
“He treats you like he can’t breath without you.”
Get mad at adil
Walked in between Jacob and I
Hickey and making out
Hand above wall. Leans down.
“You will miss nida the most.”
“My dude”
"U r pretty"
“Who are you avoiding? Zayd and Hamad?”
“Is your cousin a boy or a girl?” “Does it really matter?” “Yeah it really does.”
~
And Wow. I actually loved him. He was my first love.
I can’t breath.
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October 11. 11:17 P.M
I made it. I’m almost there. I’m almost there.
MCAT- check
Interview #1 invitation- check
Interview
Acceptance
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October 7. 8:25 P.M
I’ll write all the things I want to say here:
Nani: I hope you learn your lesson. I really really hope your lesson. For all the things you’ve done. For every single thing. Ami may be able to forgive you, but I don’t think I can any time soon.
Abu: Please get off your ass at home and please please please please work. I beg of you. It’s been years, and I’m so tired of having to lie to people about you.
Adam: I wished you called or texted or snapchatted. But clearly, I thought more about you than you ever did about me.
Faraha: I wish you didn’t let Maz ruin our friendship. The fact that you cut me out so hard. It still hurts. And I don’t think I can ever forget that.
Afia: I miss you and I wish you would stop wasting your time over the one who left you. But you are an adult, and I have to respect your decision. I have to figure out if I want to say the right thing and lose you forever or not say anything and help from afar.
Hayyan: I’m quite done with you now.
Dr. Mani: I’m so glad you treat me like shit. I can easily walk out of your life, but I know you would probably ruin me and I don’t want to disappoint Guemhee that way. So I will continue to use you until I can find a way out of this mess.
MCAT: I really wish that you would be on my side this time. Please just improve by 1 point. That’s all I ask. Please please please.
Texas A&M: Please choose me.
Marina: You are like others. You use me for stuff when you best fit. But when I could possibly need your help. You refuse to make anything work.
Salman Bhai: I can’t ever marry you because if I did that would mean that I would live the same life my mother did. And I’m not ready for that.
Aaminah: Thank you for being my rock.
Ami: Thank you for being the love of my life.
Abu: Thank you for treating Ami relatively well.
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September 29. 12:21 A.M
We will worry about it when it happens.
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September 22, 2017
My parents need mental health help
But who can fucking tell them that they’re messed up?
Who can convince them to fucking stop messing me up?
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September 20, 9:34 P.M
It was a good day
I met my old lab
and wow
How can I love something so much
How does that happen
Hayyan didn’t come today
But
Just But
I think I saw him
In the parking lot outside the restaurant
I’m 51% sure it was him
Sigh
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I take back what I said about my friends
Sigh
It just
It just hurts
And I have no one to talk to about this
I can’t talk to my parents about it because it’s embarrasing
I can’t talk to Aaminah about it because she’ll tell me to not be so sensitive (which is true)
I just have to deal with it
I pray that one day Allah (SWT) makes me so strong that I don’t need anyone
That no one can hurt my feelings like they do now
I pray that as tough as I appear to people on the outside
That the way everyone thinks I have a perfect life with just problems with self esteem
I pray that Allah (SWT) makes that true for my own life
I pray that I never need anyone as I need Allah
I pray that Allah (SWT) hides everything as He always has
And I pray that Allah (SWT) forgives me for being so unthankful
Without Him, I’m nothing
And I’m just so sorry that I’ve been a horrible human being and horrible Muslim
I’m so sorry
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September 18th, 12:16 P.M
i am not going to marry salman bhai because he has a psycho of a sister and i refuse to live the same life that my mother has lived no matter how caring he is i am not going to go thru that and my kids will definitely never go thru that
I dont want to be friends with two of my friends- a and f. Because a is rude as fuck. like im sorry we get you’re hurting we get it. but you have no right to ever make me feel shitty. and f. we were supposed to be close but damn you protect them as if im about to steal that away from you. i literally cannot deal with them anymore.
they dont realize how much they hurt me. how much they’ve hurt other people.
i dont want that negativity in my life.
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September 17. 10:20 P.M
I need to stop being so damn sensitive.
People get pissed off for me being stupid.
Nida, pls pls pls learn.
(I only apologized to the one person who’s important enough to me.)
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September 17. 1:07 A.M
I promised myself I would be kinder and kinder and kinder
and more forgiving
and to soften my heart
i dont leave anyone behind
even if they have left me behind
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September 16th. 11:42 P.M
I wish I had a guy friend
I want to know what it’s like to feel loved and secured by a guy
Someone who cares
For me and only me
And protects me in his own way
Us against the world
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