rdey - Tumblr blog

rdey · 2 years

Text

bad buddy ep 11 and themes of filial piety

the moral of junior and his mom's story was not that parents are always right and it's kind of ??? that so many ppl have interpreted it that way? so i wrote an entire essay about how our culture, our upbringing has shaped us into submission to our parents, how it's carved a trench into our hearts to hold undying love for them, uncaring about the damage it inflicts upon us kids.

(under the cut to grace ur dashboard nflslnfs)

here, when they're conversing about how parents know what's better for their children, pran immediately disagrees. thinks back to his own parents, thinks about how happy he is w pat, thinks how could she have ever been right about separating me from him. he knows she's wrong, even points out that his mother might have been:

but then she says this:

implying the most important thing to her is her son, that having her son is what completed her life. and that makes a dent in his wall, prompts him to ask her what's been eating at him:

here he asks her this from the depths of his heart. he's asking: mae, are you lonely w/o me? he's answered: yes, but i'm more worried if ur alright, if ur safe and healthy, bc i'm ur mother.

narratively the purpose it fulfills is obv to guilt-trip pran, but also to give pran another an excuse, a justification for his mother's actions, the final push he needs to return to someone he can't separate himself from. he's angry but he misses her, and now he has a reason: she was doing what she thought was the right thing. so pran immediately jumps on that and forgives her bc it was breaking him when he couldn't. and i get it, i really do. as someone raised so similarly as pran, by a parent ur very very close to, by a parent who shares all their joy, takes out all their distress on u, u start to feel responsible for them, u feel like u should be protecting them, from themselves even. (and this is all be a parent's job. but that's what emotionally immature parents do to their kids: turn those little children into their guardians.)

pran's thoughts r so heartbreakingly simple thru out this ep: it's finding out his mother was a victim, and constantly stressing for her, bc he now that he knows, he wants to see her, he wants to comfort her. he told her before he shouldn't be responsible for her feelings, but that was when he thought it was a bad breakup, but the truth is worse, is uglier and what he said now sounds nasty to his own ears and he wishes he could take it back, wishes he could hug her.

she hurt him before he left, and that both enables him to take this step and makes it harder, bc he knows she must be guilty now, that he's adding to her pain by running away. he should be eating her apology curry, crying w her as she hugs him to her chest (lying for the millionth time 'i didn't mean it. i didn't want to hurt u. i was only protecting u son.'), but here he is, so far away from her, laughing w other ppl while she must be in pain.

the logical part of pran's brain understands he should not be responsible for an adult's feelings. the child part, the part that's dissaya's son, the dominant part of his brain tells him 'how could u abandon her when she needs u still' tells him 'u left ur mother to stress and worry and cry and ache while ur here enjoying urself laughing w other' tells him 'ur only job was to not cause her worry, yet here u r, a horrible son'.

this narrative is guilt-tripping pran, but it isn't guilt-trippy in the way that says 'parents know what's better for u', bc pran and pat r past that point, they know w cemented surety that's not true. if it was, those adults wouldn't have fabricated lies for years to keep them apart. what it says is, 'she did that w the best intentions at heart', and to pran that rings true. to pran, all he can see now is a heartbroken girl who has a son she falls in love w and fights for, tooth and nail against the world, to shield him from the same pain.

and this entire narrative sucks. it's not saying 'mothers know best' it's reinstating how many asian cultures have always tried to brainwash kids, that 'whatever bullshit ur parents do, even their actions leave u bruised and bleeding, it's out of genuine concern for u, so you can't hate them for it xoxo'

that's ass advice, and idk why p'aof or the writers would opt for such a damaging narrative, but story-wise its been working on pran. pran who knows his mother became like this bc of her victim complex, who knows she was trying to protect him from what she went thru by forcing him apart from pat, who can temporarily give pat up bc he can't ask her to forgive pat's father or family, thereby putting a wholeass grownup's whims above his own needs. pran who's gullible and believes she did it purely out of love and not to release her own pent up anger, who's grown enough to understand he needs to fulfill the roles she's envisioned for him for as long as he's under her roof, who's love for his mother is so great, he'll jump aboard any justification he can grasp onto to forgive her fully. (someone please tell him u don't have to forgive ur parents to love them. that u don't have to forgive anyone u love to continue loving them. its so obv he doesn't know, and in forgiving them he keeps wronging himself.)

bc see, this is where the real damage these deep-rooted values of filial piety has done to children. it's crippling, but not just in the sense that it forces you to bend to bad parents, but it also snatches ur ability to ever truly hate them, to view them in negative light for long. bc we're taught that that's what bad, ungrateful children do. bc disobedience, hating ur parents is the biggest imaginable sin, a horrible, evil thing to do, and so just the notion of hating them will make u loathe urself. makes it unbearable for u live w urself.

our culture has intertwined the lives of parents and children to the extent that any attempt to cut them off will be like trying to slice off ur own flesh. ur parents become this painful, purulent blister on u, that's chronic and throbs and causes u excessive pain, but popping it is much more pain, is terrifying and could possibly be more damaging, so the only thing u can do is live w it. if u pop it open it'll scar, if u let it heal on it's own it'll scar, it'll scar regardless of what u do, and some ppl don't have the courage needed to mutilate themselves that way, to forcibly cut off a bad arm, so they live w it. it'll heal, it'll leave a nasty scar, but it'll heal in the end. years will pass, it'll dry up and leave a blemish, a darkness in ur soul. it'll heal and leave u with flesh so raw and soft, it bleeds open from the lightest nip. but it will get better, it won't forever carry the power to harm u.

(there's also the way our society tricks us into gratitude by telling us at least. at least ur parent isn't doesn't regularly hit u. at least ur parent isn't a violent drunkard. at least it's just a blister, a searing burn, and not a cancer. as if that makes it any better, any less painful.)

pat is the kind who has the courage to prick the blister before it festers. pran does not. it's sad, it's heartrending, it's tragic, but some ppl aren't - will never be - strong enough to fight their parents. some ppl will forever cower in their presence, will be powerless against them. some ppl need time, till they've grown enough to be removed from underneath their shadow, and finally blossom under the sunlight. pran's that person, and pat only let him go bc he understands that.

u also need to remember that they're still at a stage where they're dependent on their parents. where they still need their parents to fulfill their basic needs. so cutting them off at this point was never a viable option.

and so, our societies give parents a platform to weaponize a child's reliance and devotion to them, teach children one - and the only - way to love them - the sacrificial, all-consuming, unconditional love, that's actually supposed to be a parent's duty to their kids. it fools kids into believing they owe their parents for their upbringing and guidance (like that isn't simply their job), for giving life to them and bringing them into this world (which was their decision not ours), for completing the most basic responsibilities parents owe their kids. and that esp applies to mothers. mothers who carry their babies in their wombs for 9 months and go thru painful deliveries to give birth to them. mothers who are put on a pedestal for the same (and they should be unless they turn out like. that.) and are handed a right over their children and their bodies no one else can claim. that's another reason why it was easier for pat to leave his parents behind, bc they were in the clear wrong, bc it was his father he abandoned.

it's impossible not to lash out on unfair parents, and the guilt u feel about hurting them is reinforced by a culture that tells u forgiving them is ur redemption, loving them despite it all is martyrdom, heroic, smth that is worthy of applause and praise. detrimentally, that becomes the only way ur able to like urself, the only way u find purpose and value in ur existence. that's what they make of children - thru centuries and centuries of deeply rooted trauma passed down through generations - living w ur parents is war, and children are soldiers thrown into battle unarmed; forced to learn on their own and fight a war they shouldn't have to. when those children grow up, they either become pranpat's parents and push their own offsprings into the fire they've never escaped, or they become pran and pat who struggle and suffer and tolerate and come out of it battered, but w their souls intact.

for pran there's that added 'only child' factor, where he thinks that pat's parents have pha but his parents have him only, that they'd break entirely w/o him and he can't do that to the ppl who raised him, to the ppl he loves. plus, he's very close to his mother, freely shares most things w her (had no reservations about telling her he met pat again in ep1 despite. well the history around that), to him he's her best friend and w/o him she'll get lonely. miserable.

in the same scene, where when pranpat tell their parents about their first fight in uni, pat's father asks him if he won and his disconnect from his son's wellbeing is what later makes it easy for pat to shrug off his. while pran's mother asks him if he was hurt, bc that's what she's worried about, bc that's what her upbringing has been like: underneath the abuse and struggle for control in every aspect of her son's life, there's genuine worry u can't separate from who she is. like her poor decision-making and bad parenting, her love too is a very real and an enormous chunk of of her, and for a child that's always strived for her approval, who still yearns to be blanketed in her warmth, it's that aspect of her that stands out, stark against the years of trauma and abuse. she does love him, she loves him a lot. its just tragic that her love is conditional unlike pran's unconditioned love. that where pran is incapable of hurting her for his own happiness, she carries no such reservations. but to pran, that selfish, venomous love is enough to forgive every single atrocity she's ever committed against him, that much is enough for him to put aside his own needs and desires to baby his parent.

where pran's deepest insecurities and traumas are born from, isn't the control his mother has on his life, or her irrational regulations. it's the persistent disapproval she chucks at him. she tells him 'u can do whatever u want as long as its smth i like' says 'if u have time to waste doing what u love, why aren't u working harder for me' looks at him like 'u could have done better, if u loved me enough u would have tried harder'. everything he does, everything he's given up, everything he's become, is bc he wants her approval, her praise, for her to look at him and hold her chin high w pride. what hurts him isn't her malice or temper, it's that, despite having done so much, despite cutting out so many pieces of himself to fit her mold, he hasn't received the approval he was seeking, the thank u he's wanted to hear.

it's a quiet pain u carry ur whole life, where for ur parents u give and give and give, u do everything the way they like to make them happy, but it's still not enough. they're still not satisfied. they still want more and more and ur running out of things to give, u've already peeled all the flesh from ur bones. and u think 'just this once, can't u look at me and think this is enough. just one time, can't u accept me for what i am.'

but u'll never be enough for them. u'll never fit their exact mold bc everyone's their own person, everyone's a bright, unique soul that should be allowed to exist as they are. u understand that one day, and it breaks ur heart. bc if u understood this with ur juvenile brains, why can't they? they're the adults, they're the experienced, they're the grownups. how come smth so clear-cut, so simple is still a mystery to them? and that's why pran won't throw away his dreams for her. he's given up enough, he won't give up himself. he will become a musician, he will return to pat. but bc he loves her, he'll do it in the way he dreams she'll be okay with. bc he believes all she wants is for him to live a secure life, so he'll get the secure, stable job she wants. he'll fulfill his duty as her son, then he'll reach out, grab onto his own dreams.

one last facet we've seen of pran's mom is that disease of shifting blame onto others. that most asian parents suffer from varying degrees of the same. in our households, someone has to be responsible for each and every situation, someone has to be held accountable for every last thing. and our parents don't want to be that someone. so naturally, the weak, the lesser humans, the children become their scapegoats. i imagine that must be what pran's childhood must have been like too. with no siblings to share his load, he carried the brunt of their mistakes, their misgivings since he was young. that's why pran's the 'responsible', the 'sensible' one amongst them. that's why pran's so meticulous, why he fears consequences so much. why he can apologize to wai after he was outed, after he had his trust betrayed. bc he's used to that. his parents have already conditioned him into bearing responsibility for others, into dreading disobedience so fiercely, he's locked himself shut in a closet he's terrified of leaving.

and so, ik it seems ideal, as the right thing to do to us as the audience, for pran to choose healing, love over his vile, abusive parents. but for pran who's skeleton has been built on these very values, for pran who sees only the love beyond every ugly shade of his parents - abandoning those ppl, the ones who raised him, who did so much for him, and all for a boy who comparatively holds nothing above them is virtually impossible. for pran, who's parents have only ever made him hate himself, to whom loving pat has been a lesson in making peace w himself, in learning to like who is, in beginning to love being in his own skin, ofc he wouldn't want that love tainted w his parents' shadows. loving pat is holy, sacred, the only thing that truly matters, and ofc, ofc pran doesn't want that corrupted, sullied, by becoming a bane to his parents. that's why he has to let pat go, till the clouds clear, till the air he's surrounded w is fresh, free from any pollutant that could poison his love.

they'd never be truly happy if they left behind their entire lives (and why should they have to, just to be w each other. why is it that they have to sacrifice smth to be happy.) but that esp holds true to pran, who cannot desert his parents. (and so he's forced to make another sacrifice. not the one he could have made for himself, but one he again makes for others. but this time it's okay, bc he knows this isn't forever. pat and him are meant for each other, meant to be together. he feels easier about letting pat go for the time being, bc he knows, inevitably, they'll find their way back to each other, like magnets, like the moon to its orbit, like two halves of the same whole.)

our culture isn't inherently wrong, gratitude and devotion to parents can be a beautiful thing. if parents do their jobs right. raising kids is difficult and does put a lot of stress upon them, so ofc they'd dream of love and gratefulness in return. guardians do sometimes have to hurt children to protect them (never in an abusive manner thou). where it goes wrong is telling children regardless. regardless of how ur parents hurt u, ur obliged to forgive them. where it goes wrong is in the expression of that love and gratitude. children shouldn't be expected to make sacrifices for their parents. ever. what it does wrong is teaching children and children and only children when it's parents that require education first. parents who should be fulfilling their duties first. parents who will do the bare minimum like teaching u to walk and paying ur school fees then wash their hands off responsibility and still. still expect children to pay them in return.

filial piety tells u repay ur parent's love, to love them they way they unconditionally love u. the inept adults of our society twisted it into smth meaningless, into that destructive notion of having to repay parents for simply doing their duty. u don't owe them for that. u don't owe them for bringing u into the world when u had no say in it. if ur parents r worthy of ur devotion, of ur gratitude, it's only if and when they don't constantly remind u of it, if they don't make absurd demands of u and enforce this. ur only obliged to love and forgive ur parents if their love is boundless first, if they're capable of reflecting and changing for ur sake (w/o having broken u first that is).

also, given how they've dealt w the junior thing this ep i've kind of lost any hope about them dealing w the parents situation the way they should. bc junior's mom is right, kids keep changing, and what they want at this age might not be what they'll want later. but to take away ur child's agency, their right to make their own decisions, purely bc of their age and ur conviction that u know better is shitty. what he wanted wasn't necessarily bad - he might not have a stable income, but he would have stayed where his heart was, he would have been content and happy. what he wanted might have not been temporary like she imagines, and what she believes is doing the right thing for him, could simply be snatching his happiness away. she doesn't take her child's wishes seriously, doesn't believe he's capable of making the right decisions for himself at this age, and that same idea will filter thru her upbringing even once the kid has grown and shouldn't be at her mercy.

all this wasn't to say this is a 'realistic' take bc fuck realism this is a story, and ppl began to tell stories to allow superheroes and utopias - that are impossible in real life - to exist. to fight off the suffering and injustices of reality. and homophobia doesnt exist in this world, so why did this kind of 'realism' have to? the point of realism in stories is satirize darker aspects of society, so if anything this arc should have either been closed by pranpat fighting their parents or by painting their parents as the villains they r, instead of the whole 'they're still ur parents <3 they only do rubbish bc they love u' narrative. i won't comment much on that for now, until ep 12 comes out and i can see how they finally deal w that but. i don't like the direction it points to rn. pran and pat's parents are evil, their children should never feel bad about abandoning them, and if the story concludes w/o emphasizing this i'm going to be disappointed.

29 notes · View notes

rdey · 2 years

Text

Coming to Terms with Bad Buddy: Episode 11 - A Rewatch and Analysis

Alright, I've gone through the stages of grief. I've felt my anger about the stupidity of this break-up, I've projected onto the characters and felt the anger for myself. I've been reading every fic, every analysis, every despair-ridden post over the last two days and I'm ready to rewatch the episode from a new perspective.

Before getting to that, I just want to say that I love the sense of community here. We're all banding together to write our long essays fighting for these characters we really care about. I've never had an experience like it and I'm grateful. I've been following along for this whole show and I'll really miss all of your insights <3.

When I first watched this episode, I was very much on the no-break-up bandwagon. I was positive, for a number of reasons, that it wouldn't happen. So in watching episode 11, I felt very off about it the whole time. I almost couldn't be happy about the cute moments since there was an undercurrent of something wrong. I didn't realize what was going on truly until Pran said "Good luck, buddy" and then I was absolutely sucker-punched by the first line of the preview being "Pat and I broke up".

I've seen a few posts essentially saying that the entire episode was a break-up episode, and that Pat and Pran knew from the bus or even the rooftop that a break-up was imminent and the beach trip was just delaying the inevitable. From my memory of the episode, I agreed. Now that I've re-watched it, I actually don't think that at all.

I think that they truly just wanted to step away from it all, no expectation of a break-up but also no concrete idea of what to do next. They just uncovered the truth of their whole lives and they needed some time to process it.

Part 1/4

When they're on the bus, Pran says "We can't change what happened. We can just live with it." To me, that's him with the expectation that they will stay together and just have to live with the fact their parents won't change and it'll suck. While Pat totally disagrees, stating that he won't live with it. When Pran says "Do you think they'll allow [us to run away and be together]", Pat admits that they won't but they can find acceptance from people other than their parents. This is the moment where they set up that staying on the beach means staying together while going home means trouble for either their relationship with each other or with their parents.

At this point, they're already on different pages. Pran just wants some time away from the overwhelming situation, to process with Pat. While Pat, not thinking super far ahead, is fully intending on just staying at the beach with Pran indefinitely. Families be damned, screw them, he wants to be with the guy he loves.

To summarize the first part, they're just wondering around. No plan for money, lodging, or what to do next. Just enjoying being around each other and beginning to heal from what's happened. And then obviously, we have the situation with Junior to parallel how they're each feeling.

Part 2/4

In this part, we start to see how Pran misses his mom. He loves her regardless of her flaws as a parent. I don't love that he's justifying how much she's hurt him by thinking of other times that she's loved him, but I very much understand where he's coming from. It's a hard thing to deal with as a child, when you have to let your parents get away with certain things. I know it doesn't sit well with me when I have to make those choices and I know it's not easy here either.

We have some cute moments of them cooking a meal together, talking through Junior again, and Pran teasing his song.

Also, might be a stretch, but I wonder if there's some symbolism in Pran offering Pat his mom's recipe and Pat not being able to handle it. Like an extension of Pran's mom and Pat just not meshing well-together.

After Pran's conversation with Junior's mom, Pat starts to see the cracks. He's trying to make this easier on Pran without really knowing the depth of it all yet. He says, I know you're upset about Junior's situation, let's go to the bar and have fun. And then when he gets there, he sees the sign for being servers and thinks, oh hey! If we're going to be here long-term, we can't keep leaching off of Tong, we'll have to get jobs, here's a job! It's very much in-character: here's the immediate problem, here's the immediate solution. Again, this whole time, Pran is assuming that they both know they're only staying a few days, while Pat is not on the same page.

Part 3/4

Pran is in a place where he can continue writing the song. He sees Junior's drawing and writing about his mom and it makes it harder for Pran to ignore how much he misses his mom. He's thinking of his conversation with Junior's mom as they walked on the beach and how she said she can deal with Junior being far away from her so long as she knows he's safe and happy. This makes Pran feel the need to reach out to his own mom to let her know he's okay. It's also an indicator that the's not willing to shut out his parents like Pat (though I don't think Pat would be able to handle that long-term either, he's just really mad right now and can't imagine caring about his parents anymore).

When Pat shows up announcing the server job, he thinks, nice, now I've made this a real option, we can actually stay here forever. But why doesn't Pran seem happy? Pran starts to see, oh wait a second, Pat actually intends for us to stay here for longer than a few days. They see that they're not on the same page at all. Keep in mind, at this point, Pran isn't thinking of a break up at all. To him, they're having a nice get-away and it'll help them get the strength to face their families when they get back. Pat, on the other hand, knows that he's not willing to deal with his father's reaction to their relationship now that he's lost respect for him.

So he's taking it pretty personally that Pran doesn't want to stay on the beach. He's taking that as Pran doesn't want to be with him and and maybe Pran doesn't care about the relationship as much as he does. I don't think he really believes that, he's just upset and a little defensive. For Pran to say he got them the jobs, Pat gets over it and is happy that Pran actually does care and takes this as seriously as he does. Pran has decided at this point, that while he knows they can't stay here forever, he'll stop thinking about leaving until Pat's more ready.

With the speedy quizzes conversation, Pat's getting the info he needs to realize that Pran won't be happy here forever. He has plans, and those plans require college and his parents' support. Pat on the other hand shows how go-with-the-flow he is. Maybe he'll take over the family business, who knows, who cares. All he wants is to be with Pran wherever he goes.

For whatever reason, after Pat wakes up, he's come to the realization that Pran won't be happy here forever. He realizes that Pran needs his life back home more than he needs Pat. When he sees Pran on the beach, this seems to click for him. His face here is so painful to me.

Part 4/4

They send off Junior, indicating that they'll also be heading home soon. Pat has already made his decision as his face here indicates.

Pran comes back with their server shirts, ready to indulge Pat until he's ready to come home, but Pat knows this can't go on any longer. Getting permanent jobs here is crossing a line he's not willing to go back on. He has to stop it now. Pran still doesn't know what's going on.

The moment Pat says "for trying to make a silly guy like me happy", Pran starts to see where this is going. When Pat says "be with you for at least one more day", Pran's realizing that they're breaking up. Pran's understanding that they need to go home and Pat's understanding that they can't be together and have their parents at the same time (which is total BS and part of why I'm so angry) finally mesh for each other. "Nobody works on their honeymoon" and Pran understands that they're leaving, that this happiness bubble is popping and that they're going to break up when they leave. Pran's face here absolutely destroys me. We've said a million times what an incredible actor Nanon is, but this is it. This is the winning moment for me.

I'm not expert on the clothing analysis, but I think them wearing the matching shirts when they're at the bar shows that they're finally on the same page for the first time this episode.

The whole conversation with Tong is so easy to substitute their own situation into. Tong says how for years and years he's fought a never-ending battle, his work will never be done. Pran says why don't you quit, Pat says you're working so hard with no effect, one person can't fix this. They come back to this later when Tong's voice-over says fighting makes it worth it. The world can't change him. The parallels here are pretty self-explanatory.

When they're walking into their homes, Pat doesn't step forward until Pran does and he keeps looking over at him while Pran just goes. It's already pretty clear by this point, and one of the writers said it as well, but Pat is doing this because he loves Pran. He knows that Pran wouldn't be happy otherwise.

And a quick note on the song, I love that it was the theme song the whole time. Given that Just Friends? was such a major part of the story, I thought it was weird that we were only going to get an episode or two with Pran's song after how many times we heard about him working on it.

Conclusion

I'm still really mad about this. I'm really mad that the narrative choice was that the parents win and that their happiness is more important than their kids'. I don't know what episode 12 could do to redeem this, and if the narrative spun by the preview is accurate or even a huge fake-out, I'll be furious. That all being said, re-watching this episode for what it is, knowing what we know by the end of it, I still love this show which I was really doubting when it first aired. I hope that if you're as devastated as I was, that my long essay here can make you feel a little better like it did for me. The fact that they didn't give up on the rooftop or on the bus made me feel a lot better. And I'm really holding onto cubedmango's theory for episode 12 as my saving grace for getting through this week.

70 notes · View notes