redcrimsonrabbit

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round two, gents

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Dealing with Toxic People, Islamically ♥

We all have intentions, emotions and sentiments. Mostly we think our intentions are good and right, so we act upon them. Why is it sometimes then, that things go so astray?

Why do we get into fights with people we didn’t mean to offend, sometimes us simply appearing in a room sets someone’s emotions alight, and no matter how hard we try, Grandma will just never stop being grumpy around us? These things are among many other examples (some extremely underrated) which can be seriously hurtful… They can cause us to feel rejected and irrelevant, and when we feel this way much of our energy is spent in self-condolement where we become motionless in trying to fix ourselves.

Although self-care is necessary to pick ourselves up again, depending on our environment, we could be staying in that state for much more time than needed! This is honestly draining, and when it comes down to praising Allah, we end up too tired to do it. This horrible cycle of emotions can render any human frozen and could lead to depression. 

Can we break the cycle? Let’s try!

Here are some psychology, rules and ideas that may apply to you and generally how to fix them. When reading these, be honest with yourself, and select the ones which apply to you in a complimenting or constructive way. It’s ok to be wrong sometimes, especially when we learn from it and improve! When we improve we become better people than before ♥

It’s not you, it’s them.

This isn’t a statement meant to remove responsibility from you, rather it adds a harder and more selfless task, and that is empathy and sympathy.When you know you did not do anything wrong, but someone is rude, aggressive or dismissive towards you, what does that mean? Well, for one it means it is not your fault and cleary this person either has something bothering them that they can’t deal with properly, or has a personality problem. What has that got to do with you though? Nothing, other than that you are in the same environment with them, and it is affecting you.

What does the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) say about this?

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: “Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him.” (Tirmidhi)

Anas reported Allah’s Apostle (ﷺ) as saying: “Nurse no grudge, nurse no aversion and do not sever ties of kinship and live like fellow-brothers as servants of Allah.” This hadith has been narrated on the authority of Shu'ba with the same chain of transmitters but with this addition:“ As Allah has commanded you.” (Sahih Muslim)

What does Allah SWT say about this in the Quran?

“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.” Quran (41:34)

When someone is being abrupt, abusive or uncouth, move on and do not dwell on it. What is the psychology behind that? Let’s look at the great behavioral psychologist Skinner and his theory of Operant Conditioning.

According to Skinner people can either aggravate or diminish behavior depending on whether they are rewarded for it or not. Here is the funny part though, rewards are different to everyone. If someone wants to see you upset, they will behave in a way to upset you and if you BECOME upset that means they have achieved their goals! They are rewarded by you becoming upset! People love rewards, it makes them feel better about themselves. When someone likes the feeling of something, chances are they are going to keep attempting at it to achieve the same feeling; ie: they will continue to try and upset you! This behavior is seen in bullying.

So now that you understand the theory behind it, what do you do? EASY! Don’t give them what they are looking for and don’t show them that they are making you upset or sad. They will realise what they are doing is wrong (if they are good enough to see their faults), realise you are a strong person and stop, in shaa Allah ♥

But what if they don’t change and are truly horrible to you regardless of your pure intent and behaviours?

A man came to the Prophet (pbuh) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me badly; I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me.” He said: “If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allah against them so long as you continue doing that.” (Muslim)

Self-Care

Taking care of yourself is more than just isolating yourself and dwelling on your hurts and pains, it has to do with actively doing the things which make you happy and feel better about yourself.

What are your favorite things to do, or what have you been putting off which you want to succeed in? When you do things which you wanted to and succeed, you raise dopamine and serotonin levels in your body, causing you to feel happier. If you leave doing thing which make you happy or forsake your goals, your serotonin and dopamine levels drop. If these endorphin levels drop below the ‘safe-zone’,it can cause depression. Depression is very hard to come out and may need medication which has side-effects on your body and emotions.

What does the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) say about this?

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.” (Sahih Al-Albani)

The Prophet (pbuh) used to say: “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)

It’s difficult and it takes alot of strength, but to be better you just have to be better. That means picking yourself up and doing what you want and need to do. The beginning will be hard, but the end will be so rewarding, in shaa Allah ♥

Introspection

This means to think about your own thinking, rather than the thinking of others. It means to look at your objectively, critically and really suss out what your flaws are and if you are the one causing the dismay of people around you.

Is your mom being dismissive of you because you can’t do the small requests she has been asking of you? Do you ignore her when she is doing painstaking work in the house and /or other times and not offer your help? Do you take her for granted?

Think about the times one of your friends or someone you really cared about ignored you, did not offer you their help, did not take a hint or took you for granted? That didn’t feel so great. Think about if you are causing these emotions to other people because of your own issues, rather than theirs.

Perhaps you think doing the dishes is not important at a certain time, or doing some other mundane activity which you think could wait. That is your perception, but maybe not that of your moms (for example), and she will feel as though you don’t care for her (which is another way of saying ‘respect her’), making her want to show you her displeasure hoping you will improve.

It may not be your mom, it might be your friend, husband, siblings, cousins or anyone that is emotionally dependant on you in some way. They are also human at the end of the day.

Introspection (being aware of oneself) is critical to being a good Muslim. We are aware when we are going to do something wrong, or have done something wrong and can adapt ourselves. Adapting and changing ourselves for the better in Islam is called ‘tawba’ or ‘asking forgiveness of Allah’.

What does Allah SWT say about this in the Quran?

“When any evil suggestion from Satan touches those who fear God, they are instantly alerted and become watchful.” Quran (7: 201)

What does the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) say about this in the Hadith?

The Prophet (pbuh) said; “All of the children of Adam make mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are the ones who repent.” (Tirmidhi)

How will we know if we made a mistake if we do not reflect and introspect?

♥♥♥

This is Part One of this write-up on some Islamic Manners ♥ I hope it was useful to you, in shaa Allah ♥

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HUFFLEPUFF:

“Like an eagle protects his nest, for you I’ll do my best Stand by you like a tree, dare anybody to try and move me Darling in you I found strength where I was torn down Don’t know what’s in store but together we can open any door”

–Marvin Gaye + Tammi Terrell (You’re All I Need to Get By)

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“Acting humble for people’s praise is one of the most dangerous forms of riyaa (showing off).”

— Shaykh Omar Suleiman

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“I’m on the way to buy soft drinks for my mother.  I also fetch water, and sweep, and help her wash clothes.  She calls me ‘boss’ because I work so hard, but I love to help her because she cares for me so much.  She buys me clothes.  She reads me storybooks.  She sings me gospel songs.  She helps me with my homework.  She gives me medicine when I’m sick.  One time she baked my friend a cake because his parents couldn’t afford any presents.  I’m going to buy her a house one day. She’s very dark and beautiful.  I really have a wonderful mother.”   (Accra, Ghana)

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19 Tweets That’ll Make Servers Laugh Way Harder Than They Should

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I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. - Frank Herbert

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In 2019…

Sesame Street is turning fifty.

The Little Mermaid is turning thirty.

The Lion King is turning twenty-five.

SpongeBob Squarepants is turning twenty.

Danny Phantom is turning fifteen.

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Husband: Whoa, have you seen young Patrick Stewart?!

Me: I don’t think so. I kind of assumed he’s always been old.

Husband: Turns out he was handsome as fuck.

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“He created both night and day. If its dark in your life right now, be patient. The sun always rises. And if it’s light right now, be thankful. But don’t get attached to the sun. It is in its design to also set. Praise Him for both the night and the day and know that He never sets.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

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Thor Odinson: God of Thunder and Feminist Icon

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It’s not your job to be likable. It’s your job to be yourself. The right people will gravitate.

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Beauxbatons Academy of Magic || I can hear the sirens.

Thought to be situated somewhere in the Pyrenees, visitors speak of the breath-taking beauty of a chateau surrounded by formal gardens and lawns created out of the mountainous landscape by magic. Beauxbatons Academy has a preponderance of French students, though Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, Luxembourgians and Belgians also attend in large numbers.

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