relicta-amans

[relicta-amans]

Vox wasn’t that good an actor.

Maybe if they’d continued to speak out loud. Maybe then Alastor could ignore the cracks in his tone, the breaks, the shrill. He wanted to. Because if he was being honest, if he still cared…

The apology felt forced. And even if it was genuine, a desperate attempt to bridge a longstanding divide, it came without reason. Vox didn’t know what he had done. He didn’t know. He didn’t see what the problem was after years and years and years—

“You left. You stopped listening. You stopped talking. You left.”

—then what was there to salvage?

“I thought we understood each other. Now you’re telling me that nothing changed for you? How am I supposed to believe that when everything changed around you? Don’t pretend you’re the same person you always were.”

Vitriol dripped from each potent word. Alastor never hated Vox. Never even came close. But there was a hatred for something. His actions? His words? Absolutely. The idea that this came from a place of love?

That burned.

“I won’t stand for that.”

Twitching in the eye and in the smile.

It shouldn’t have been this easy for Vox to get the better of him. But with a handful of lies, and tugging on heartstrings that should have been pulled taut, here they were.

“Come on now, there wasn’t one moment for me. Thirty years of missing someone who never existed will harden anyone.”

There was a pivotal moment, of course. But it was the beginning of the end, not the end itself. And there was no way Alastor was sharing that. Not when Vox was doing his best to get under his skin.

“Tell me the truth.”

It wasn’t a plea. It wasn’t even really a demand. It just hung in the air where it stood. Up until now, Alastor had been content to speak aloud. No one was around, but there were eyes everywhere. And someone was always listening. Maybe he just wanted proof outside of his own recordings that he had said this.

Maybe he wanted solid proof of Vox’s distance. But he wouldn’t even give him that.

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse

[relicta-amans]

#soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor

[relicta-amans]

Twitching in the eye and in the smile.

It shouldn’t have been this easy for Vox to get the better of him. But with a handful of lies, and tugging on heartstrings that should have been pulled taut, here they were.

“Come on now, there wasn’t one moment for me. Thirty years of missing someone who never existed will harden anyone.”

There was a pivotal moment, of course. But it was the beginning of the end, not the end itself. And there was no way Alastor was sharing that. Not when Vox was doing his best to get under his skin.

“Tell me the truth.”

It wasn’t a plea. It wasn’t even really a demand. It just hung in the air where it stood. Up until now, Alastor had been content to speak aloud. No one was around, but there were eyes everywhere. And someone was always listening. Maybe he just wanted proof outside of his own recordings that he had said this.

Maybe he wanted solid proof of Vox’s distance. But he wouldn’t even give him that.

“Was or am?”

The spite crept its way into his tone. Vox had asked a specific question, and Alastor had answered a specific way. Past tense, intentionally.

Frankly, Vox being vague only cemented the idea in his mind.

“If I can be so bold as to ask a question myself—I’d like to know when that changed for you. I spent so much time searching for the answer. There had to be a particular moment, yes?”

If they were going down this path, Alastor wasn’t going to hold back. He knew how it felt to scrub through recording after recording. Looking for the exact second that Vox stopped.

“Do you remember it?”

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse

[relicta-amans]

@voxxisms

Uncomfortable.

Of all the things to describe a conversation, a situation with Vox, he never would have used that word before today. Awkwardness wasn’t anything new, but it never used to go both ways.

It was almost funny. The halfhearted attempt at a conversation from someone who used to know Alastor better than anything.

“I think you know. I see your cameras even there.”

Of course he went with the harshest possible answer, only to regret it in seconds. There was no reason to be petty, not in these circumstances. Vox, who was still recovering his breath, didn’t need to be put on the spot.

“It’s going as well as anyone could expect.”

It didn’t take back the previous comment, but at least answered the question. The polite thing would have been to ask how things were going for him. But Alastor didn’t want to. He didn’t want the near constant rant that would follow.

He’d gotten used to the silence.

“Hurry, I can hear them shifting the fight our way.”

Without waiting for a response, he pulled on Vox’s arm and led him in the opposite direction. It wasn’t a harsh move, just quick. When he was confident that they were far enough away, he moved his hand to Vox’s back. Guiding him just enough.

ANXIETY across the frequency changed, && there was the familiarity of the last several decades. it was better than the real silence that he had once become more used to in the last seven years. the air of having been ignored entirely for so long, he preferred coldness, a quietly turned cheek of sorts, to being fully tuned out.

vox didn't try to push the apology, although a part of him wanted to. maybe it would have felt better if he had, or if alastor would have just forgiven him, instead. it would have been nice to hear, but he knew it wouldn't have been about this that he wanted to hear it for.

ah. a promise made, decades ago, so long he almost had forgotten. not quite in full — how could he forget most things involving alastor? but he had somewhat lost the promise in all the details. the frequency, their connection, had been up for eighty years, after all. he never even considered the concept that it could be removed.

❝ right. if you insist, i won't argue, though i'm a little surprised you're offering. ❞

his words came out a little more distant than he necessarily wanted, almost bittersweet in tone. he didn't know what to do with this kindness, with the sincerity he felt through this encounter. was alastor seeking something here? did he intend to be cruel before they parted? even just using the frequency again, properly && on purpose, felt nostalgic to a degree he truly didn't know what he was going to do with.

❝ ... how are things? for you, && the, uh, hotel? you're still there, so ... ❞

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse

[relicta-amans]

“Better at drinking? Is that something to be proud of, old friend?”

Alastor laughed. As much as he didn’t want to demean one for their vices, Vox was an exception. It was hard not to resort to old patterns, old behaviors. Teaching him everything, from how to hold himself to how to fight, that didn’t fade easily. Especially when he deviated from those lessons.

It shouldn’t have been disappointing. Shouldn’t.

“Are you telling me to manage my image better? Is that what this lecture is? Or are you just trying to defend yourself in a roundabout way?”

Now that was in good fun.

He’d only gotten about halfway through the glass Vox handed him, but put it down nonetheless. That was enough for tonight. He would rather his mind stayed clear. This wasn’t exactly a safe space as it was.

“I much prefer the attention I get to be controlled. You might be content with being made a fool of, but not me.”

“Careful enough? Are we talking about the same person?”

It was easy to mess with Vox, always had been. He was easily flustered. Teasing came naturally, even if there was a hidden edge these days.

“Look like what? A degenerate? The answer would be yes.”

Alastor wasn’t sure if Vox was really looking for conversation. He seemed to be ranting in his general direction more than anything. If anything he said stuck, especially after three drinks, he would be shocked.

“You invite that nonsense anyway.”

#who lets me do things ;; crack #mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor

[relicta-amans]

“Was or am?”

The spite crept its way into his tone. Vox had asked a specific question, and Alastor had answered a specific way. Past tense, intentionally.

Frankly, Vox being vague only cemented the idea in his mind.

“If I can be so bold as to ask a question myself—I’d like to know when that changed for you. I spent so much time searching for the answer. There had to be a particular moment, yes?”

If they were going down this path, Alastor wasn’t going to hold back. He knew how it felt to scrub through recording after recording. Looking for the exact second that Vox stopped.

“Do you remember it?”

@relicta-amans called a meeting ;; continued.

A sigh.

Of all the questions that could have come out of this, and it was that one. It left a bad taste in his mouth.

“I would have thought the answer was obvious. A little disappointed it isn’t, actually.”

But he wasn’t disappointed or upset or even irritated—just answering the question as it stood, on its own merit.

“Of course I did. You were the first, too.”

HE WASN'T sure what sort of answer he had been expecting. not something in the positive, he knew. maybe vitriol, maybe some sort of condescension, given their current state of relationship, maybe some sort of teasing cruelty. but instead, it was only factually spoken, said like it was supposed to be obvious, && he said it that way too. claimed it was disappointing that vox did not know.

how was he supposed to know if he had never said it?

but then ... he supposed he had never said it, either.

a long moment of silence until he spoke up, aloud, following alastor's lead, as always.

❝ it's the same for me. you're everything. ❞

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox

[relicta-amans]

“Careful enough? Are we talking about the same person?”

It was easy to mess with Vox, always had been. He was easily flustered. Teasing came naturally, even if there was a hidden edge these days.

“Look like what? A degenerate? The answer would be yes.”

Alastor wasn’t sure if Vox was really looking for conversation. He seemed to be ranting in his general direction more than anything. If anything he said stuck, especially after three drinks, he would be shocked.

“You invite that nonsense anyway.”

“Two too many.”

He’ll take the glass. Sipping at it; still being as careful as possible.

“At least I’m not the subject of… whatever this is. Best of luck beating those allegations.”

There’s a charm in being far enough removed. Gossip is fun when it’s not about you, after all. And while Vox’s reputation was teetering, it certainly wasn’t his problem to solve.

“Shut off your distress signal, will you? I can’t help you with this.”

#who lets me do things ;; crack #mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor

[relicta-amans]

“Two too many.”

He’ll take the glass. Sipping at it; still being as careful as possible.

“At least I’m not the subject of… whatever this is. Best of luck beating those allegations.”

There’s a charm in being far enough removed. Gossip is fun when it’s not about you, after all. And while Vox’s reputation was teetering, it certainly wasn’t his problem to solve.

“Shut off your distress signal, will you? I can’t help you with this.”

@relicta-amans called a meeting ;; continued.

“Just how drunk are you?” It wasn’t terribly biting. Almost teasing. Almost. “Hearing only your personal commentary, I’ll happily take off for another five years or so. Besides, I’m worried you might be enjoying this too much.”

❝ only three. ❞

he's not saying much more, but alastor could probably guess that it was still too much, whatever it might have been. shots, glasses, or otherwise. the demon could comfortable sip on a single glass && find himself tipsy with anything stronger than a red wine.

❝ come on. it's all about having fun. you could enjoy yourself a little, too. lighten up, old friend. don't take off before the night's even started! ❞

he's offering a new glass to alastor, a half - filled cup of his favorite. vox keeps it on hand these days, still.

#who lets me do things ;; crack #mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor

[relicta-amans]

“Just how drunk are you?”

It wasn’t terribly biting. Almost teasing. Almost.

“Hearing only your personal commentary, I’ll happily take off for another five years or so. Besides, I’m worried you might be enjoying this too much.”

You’ve certainly attracted some attention tonight. Don’t embarrass yourself too much. - Alastor

@relicta-amans whispered a line ;; unprompted / dash comm.

GREAT. perfect.

he needs a third drink.

❝ right, right. that part's only for you to see, after all. ❞

that wasn't at all what alastor meant, he knew, but he said what he meant anyway. meant what he said, whatever.

❝ feel free to join in on the fun. sin a little with us. ❞

#who lets me do things ;; crack #mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor

[relicta-amans]

"be honest... did you love me?"

A sigh.

Of all the questions that could have come out of this, and it was that one. It left a bad taste in his mouth.

“I would have thought the answer was obvious. A little disappointed it isn’t, actually.”

But he wasn’t disappointed or upset or even irritated—just answering the question as it stood, on its own merit.

“Of course I did. You were the first, too.”

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse

[relicta-amans]

🗒️gimme

November 16, 2021

-—-

I think she’s gotten used to me.

There are little things in the way that she holds herself. Less poised, less careful. That wall goes right back up the second she has company. I’ve done my best to be consistent, to be the closest thing to a confidant that I can be.

If she needs to learn to trust me, I might as well behave like she can.

Today, she finally cracked. There were no tears. None that I could find, at least. But she sighed openly, too quiet for anyone else to hear. Her eyes caught a picture of her family, and it would’ve been unkind to let the moment go unacknowledged.

She misses them. Nothing surprising there. She even admitted to wanting to go back, to go home.

But when she kept going on about her husband it was hard to keep listening. When Rosie complained about men, it was all about the things he’d done. Things that left little to the imagination. But not her. It was all speculation on who he was, what he was thinking. Nothing concrete.

Though, by the end of it, I had a very unflattering image of the King of Hell in my mind.

I gave her the same platitudes that always worked for Rosie, but she wasn’t biting. No, she surprised me.

“Have you ever been in love, Alastor?”

I think it was supposed to be spiteful. So that I could reject the idea and she could condescend to me on how I wouldn’t understand. So I was spiteful right back.

It was the first time in years—since coming here—I’d said his name out loud. I’d be lying if I said it was the first time I’d thought it, but I refused to say it until today.

It must have caught her off guard, because she suddenly was firing question after question. I answered. After a while, she leaned back in her chair, commenting something under her breath about how complicated it all seemed.

I reassured her it was nothing to worry about, but that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

She asked if I missed him.

I said I’d missed him for the better part of thirty years.

She asked if he missed me.

I told her it was doubtful.

She asked if I still loved him.

I said no.

I thought that was the end of the conversation, and went back to my day. The rest of the day went on, and it seemed like we were both content with letting it fade to memory. Until the sky turned dark. She sat up longer than usual, but I said nothing. As I passed by, she grabbed me by the arm.

“Do you want to go back,” she asked without looking up at me. I think she meant it.

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

I don’t think there’s anything to go back to.

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse

[relicta-amans]

more wallpapers since you guys seemed to like the last set xx

enjoy

#know the name but never the face ;; river #off to escape time ;; the void

[relicta-amans]

“Which is better, Vox?”

Resolve had cooled him again. Better to not give any real answers; falsify too much and he might catch on. Or maybe not.

After all, for as much as this hurt… Vox hadn’t argued against it. A few pointed words and he had just silently accepted that. If their love was so fragile that this could sever it, maybe Alastor had made the right decision after all.

“The idea that I never even saw you as a person? That this had the ending planned? That no matter what you said or did it was always going to happen exactly like this?”

There had been the smallest of possibilities for this to have gone differently. The deal hung in the air as he walked away. All he had to do was finish this. And there was a small part of him that wished his beloved had been able to talk him out of it.

But Vox crumbled in seconds.

If he had been angrier, had torn his grip on the frequency, they would be having a very different conversation.

Alastor had slipped exactly once. Dropped the façade just to snap it fully into place. Wrenching control where he’d never fully lost it. Gripping so tightly to it that Vox’s own thoughts and feelings would have bounced back to him. All that pain that should be melting him only made him sturdy.

“Or that maybe, just maybe, this could have been salvaged. That if you had been better, stronger, competent… maybe I wouldn’t have gotten bored so easily. If I hadn’t had the chance to see what a desperate, pathetic, obnoxious, unpleasant little worm you were… maybe I’d stick around.”

The longer he stayed, the worse this would get.

“You’re a disgrace.”

And he could make up excuses for as long as he had to.

“I’m ashamed to even look at you.”

Language pulled from places that never included Vox to begin with. Arguments that Alastor heard from so long ago. Things he promised would never come out of his own mouth.

“You can rot for all I care.”

All he needed was a bottle in his hand.

Well, if he was going to go down this path, he might as well end it the same.

“Best of luck out there. I don’t know who you’re going to be without me.”

And he was gone.

—Disappearing without any room to breathe. Out of sight, out of earshot. Crashing hard against the nearest wall. Hands to his throat as he struggled to get back any semblance of control over his windpipe. The last few statements had gone directly through the microphone; he would have sobbed them otherwise.

The blood on his cheeks was new. He didn’t even notice the stitches snap. Wondering idly if Vox noticed how his smile dropped. Even if he had, it wouldn’t have mattered. Just adding to the cruelty of the moment.

A split second and—

“It’s over. Thank God, it’s over.”

—his hold fell off. He didn’t wrestle it back, just slowly pulled until it was back in his hands again.

But he was right, it was done.

HE PULLED away. alastor pulled away from vox, && that might have hurt the worst out of all of it. expression filled with what looked like disgust moments prior, every thought && every belief he once had were rocked. unstable worries && suddenly dizzy on his feet, he felt his arms pull in around himself as though he could protect his heart && soul from any further damage. the command through the frequency, a single word, hushed him entirely.

alastor was going to leave. he was ending things, he was abandoning him, just like everyone else ever had. difference was, vox had believed him. vox had no inclination he felt this way, he had been so wrapped up in his love, in the affection && being content that he couldn't see. it didn't make sense, going over every conversation he could in a short time, he couldn't see any signs. had he never felt anything for him?

' i don’t want you in my life, and i never will. '

so then he had never. right? it was the only thing that made any sense, that there had never been anything here at all, that he had been indulging vox for some reason. why would he? why did he do this? he couldn't find an answer, nothing his mind could produce && nothing the floorboards he stared down at could provide, either.

his knees hit the floor. it sent a sharp pain up his legs, but he could barely feel it. he felt very far away, like when he would watch a scene from his surveillance cameras around hell. he was watching it play out, watching alastor move further && further out, speaking aloud rather than through their connection, another way to hurt him. it hurt so badly. he was trembling, && he barely was able to turn his gaze up to him, to plead silently in expression alone, in the feelings that he could convey in simpler ways across the frequency. pain, fear, desperation. begging him not to do this, without so many words. words weren't allowed now.

it didn't stop him from trying them, but he knew now they were futile.

❝ ... why did you do any of it? you ... did you ever love me at all? was this ... was this always how it was going to end? ❞

he didn't want the answers. he didn't know what else to say, anything to keep him from opening the door, not yet, just ... every second counted, even though each one felt as though a new wound was being dug into his heart. it didn't matter. he didn't matter.

#mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #survival of the lesser ;; hellaverse

[relicta-amans]

#soulmates in any other world ;; alastor & vox #mania in a well constructed way ;; alastor #creations come naturally ;; collages #not a collage but i made this

[relicta-amans]

send me "be honest..." with a question your muse has been dying to ask mine and they'll answer truthfully.

[relicta-amans]

Send 👋 for three things that describe our muses relationship!

[relicta-amans]

send 🗒️ for a diary entry my muse would make/has made.