ritalinz
Z
Virgo / 20 / queer / demisexualI’m mentally ill. Please, be kind.
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god, what I’d give to spend this whole night cuddling with you
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when lazy kissing gets intense with that deep breath and hip pull
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Oh to be kissed until I can barely think a single coherent thought
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“I loved you in a way I wished someone would love me.”
— Mahmdou Darwish
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why do i feel so hollow?
my heart beats slowly in my chest, bones brittle, hair unkempt.
the nurses gossip about the girl in room 205, the ones with scars on her arms and legs, the one who smiles but her smile is dead, and so are her eyes. there is no light left inside that vessel, they said, just a soul searching for an escape, a soul that is trapped.
they place the tray before her and watch her face crumble. the machines begin to sing, tears slip down the column of her neck, lips tremble, hands shake. they stand waiting for a cry for help, to bind her wrists to her bed and watch her plead for people who aren’t coming to her aid, who sleep soundly while her heart breaks. she stares at them helplessly instead.
eat, child, they said
no, she replied, i want death
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you shouldn’t be so reckless with your tears for someone might see them and discover that the smile plastered across your face was a mere facade.
when sadness begins to pool in your eyes, be quick and excuse yourself from the company of others.
To hide in the bathroom might be your best bet, but make sure your cover your mouth with your fist to drown the sound of your despair.
Sink to the floor and bring your knees to your chest, your arms around your torso, rest your chin just above your breasts.
You may now cry.
You may now cry and wish for your own death, you may cry and wonder why things are the way they are and why the joy you once felt has vanished, only to be replaced by a madness that you cannot explain nor understand so you allow it to consume you instead.
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