roadtohappy

[roadtohappy]

9 months into detransition

I only come on here with updates once in a blue moon because I feel it’s important to focus on other things and not just let detransition occupy my entire mindspace all the time.

I’ve spoken with my team of doctors at the gender clinic and they’ve been very supportive, they’re so down to earth about this whole ordeal, bless them. I underwent a little bit of therapy and was put on antidepressants for a little while which has been so helpful. As for everything else, school is going alright and I’ve made some new friends too! 

I remember just a few months ago, I struggled so hard to pass everyday. I spent hours putting on a full face of makeup, wearing dresses and almost whispering in public so people wouldn’t hear my voice. It’s not like that anymore, thankfully. 

My hair has grown out long enough to look feminine. I’ve gotten curvier but still retained a lot of muscle mass (thank godddd), my breasts lowkey came back lol, my facial and body hair grows in wayyy slower than it used to and I’m finally getting the hang of makeup again. (For a while, I looked like a crusty drag-queen. Let’s not revisit those dark times). It’s all been about finding a routine that works for me, I don’t get all upset about having to shave anymore. I’ve mastered the art of shaving super fast and it’s become sort of a soothing, exfoliating morning routine for me. I like doing it. Lastly, my voice... I used to be so ashamed of my voice because I felt like it would keep me from passing as cis again forever. One day in january, I just got tired of listening to my own whiny bullshit all the time and decided it was time to just accept things for what they are. I am a damn nice, smart, good looking woman with one raspy fucking voice. It’s unique and I love it. You know what else I’ve come to realize? If you have the confidence, you can pull off pretty much anything. 

Oh and I broke up with my boyfriend. I’m happy, life is good.

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I have a few updates, might start posting again soon. (gonna try to keep it short this time lol)

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Life has been good to me these past few months I've been gone, but fyi I don't like dr phil anymore

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Anyone else ever feel like part of their transition involved becoming a better version of those who hurt you?

I feel like I was trying to be the men who failed me. I was going to respect women, listen to and acknowledge girls, be emotionally centered and available for my loved ones, be a present father. I was going to raise a kind, sweet son or a strong and bold daughter.

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Hey blog, lol. It's been a while!

I've been pretty busy with school, I'm specializing in 3 science subjects and I've never known something to be so energizing and soul-crushing at the same time haha.

Did a lot of reflection, spent some time with friends and family, got my ears pierced and started going to therapy for sexual trauma 💖

My psychiatric screening+assessment is over. I initially scored somewhat high on the ASD test, however, my psychologist expressed that although I may fit the description of someone with very mild ASD it doesn't mean that I have it. She explained her thoughts to me and I agreed, and basically I've been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome! Had to educate myself on TS, I had no idea it was so complex!

After some thinking, I decided to open up and tell her about my detransition and past sexual trauma. I wasn't quite sure how to tell her I've stopped identifying as male, so I used our school nurse as a practise dummy lol. Clumsily stumbled through my sentences with her, and then refined the script in my head before telling my psychologist the following day.

What a relief, I'm so glad I told her. My psychologist helped me so much, and if you're thinking about pulling the plug on your own transition I highly recommend talking to someone you trust about it. She told me that identity is not permanent, it is constantly changing as we live.

I completely agree. I did identify as male, my experience was real, and then life shaped me and my identity in new ways. I was Jake until I wasn't. 🤷🏻‍♀️A very unsatisfactory answer but a completely valid one nonetheless.

1. Identity is not permanent, it can shift and change over the years.

2. To quote my man Dr. Phil again (bless him omg), "we often start things for one reason and continue them for another."

I lean heavily on these two pieces of advice when talking about detransition because a major part of this difficult process is accepting the flaws, mistakes, pain, guilt and circumstances which lead us on this path, and then coming to terms with it.

I was hesitant to open up at first because there was a certain level of guilt and embarrassment associated with the process. When I went on T, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing. I showed this confidence off and was so proud to finally be on the right track. And now I'm coming back, vulnerable and irreversibly different. If people leave just because you no longer identify as a certain gender, then they weren't friends with you, they were friends with your gender identity. Know that most people will be empathetic and kind as long as you're honest and sincere with them. My friends have been absolutely wonderful, so accepting. My partner seems a bit resentful and cold, he admits he's feeling sorta bitter about everything. He was against my transition from the start and warned me that this may not be right for me, but I was always adamant that 'I know who I am and what's best for me, I don't need you to tell me how to live' basically. In general, he's not emotionally present or supportive - but I wholeheartedly understand his reaction. I have yet to tell my family the true nature of my situation, but they are aware that I'm off hormones, that I'm looking to settle down and have kids. They know I like being androgynous, not male. I'll let them figure out the rest on their own, not everyone needs to hear everything.

This is a humbling experience.

I may never be the girl I once was but I certainly am a woman.

#detrans #detransition #ftmtf #detrans woman #afab #Tourette's #Sexual assault

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Reading my blog from top to bottom feels strange because I was so confused and lost in my earlier posts, like I had so much bullshit to untangle. With every new post, I've untangled new shit and it's just funny to look back on my old ones and see the world class mental gymnastics I was doing to try and figure out what tf was happening in my head.

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Tw: sexual abuse

Spent the whole day at the beach yesterday and it was just lovely ❤️ I made some art too 🎨🌺

It all finally clicked for me when I came home. I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil, at one point he said "you often start things for one reason, and continue for another" which got me thinking... When I was a young teenager questioning my sexuality and my gender, I landed in an LGBT social circle. Everyone was either gay, bi or trans and I was tomboy as hell. When my best friend came out to me and said he was trans, I asked him what that meant and when he explained it I felt like it resonated so well with me. I was like "Oh fuck, that's me!" because I also felt uncomfortable being female (but for different reasons than him ofc) Now, that's fine. It's okay to explore your gender identity if you're feeling curious.

Last night when I heard that quote on Dr. Phil I was like "Oh." and memories just started to pour in. I thought back to when I was 14, still questioning my gender, and I had a sexual encounter with a much older man in a cemetery while I was semi-conscious because I was drunk and under the influence of drugs (speed+weed). It fucked me up because I felt that it didn't quite fit the proper definition of sexual abuse/assault so I had no valid reason to reach out or ask for help, but it left me traumatized nonetheless. I walked away from it feeling dirty, broken and tainted. I felt so guilty and ashamed and I couldn't tell a soul because I felt like it was all my fault. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. I couldn't think about it without a surge of anxiety rushing through my body. No soap or shower could make me clean enough. I thought to myself "I can never be a woman. Nobody will ever want someone like me. I'm disgusting and broken beyond repair. It doesn't matter though, because I didn't even like being a girl to begin with." I kept it hidden and didn't tell a soul, I dealt with it alone. I stowed it away in the back of my mind and I tried to forget about it and move on, but the shame has followed me ever since. Ashamed to be female, ashamed that I allowed that to happen to me, ashamed and angry that I was blossoming into a woman in a dysfunctional home, in a world that constantly scrutinized my femininity and resentful of all the preying eyes and hands around me.

I've also been remembering some inappropriate incidents I had with two male relatives growing up, both of which made me extremely uncomfortable and angry. Like the time when I was a little kid and my uncle straight up kissed me. What the fuck? Or when my mom's boyfriend's father babysat me, why did he lay me down on his bed in the middle of the day and do all this weird shit with me, I was like 10 wtf, and why did he only do it when we were alone together?? I said no, I didn't want to, but I had to. Fuck off. Don't ever touch me without my permission.

Jesus I don't know if I'm onto something or what, but I feel lighter, relieved. If this is what prompted me to take "questioning my gender" to "I hate being female, I wish I wasn't a girl" then I at least know that it was related to something that was out of my control. It wasnt my fault, nobody knew and neither did I.

#Detransition #detrans #detrans woman #Ftmtf

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Update

When summer break began, I decided that it was time to pause my transition and give myself some time to reflect and heal. Transitioning isn’t all happy-go-lucky sunshine and rainbows, it takes time to process all the changes you go through. This is something people rarely talk about; transitioning is taxing on the mind. Your body goes through a very dramatic and rapid change, the same goes for your mental and emotional self. Everything changes, and before you’ve even had time to sit back, catch your breath and just take in the monumental change you’ve undergone in the span of a few months or years on testosterone, you find yourself in a hospital bed being rolled into the operating room to make another major life-altering change to your body. 

I’m starting to believe that this emotional-recovery period was long overdue, hence the emotional breakdown I had in June. I freaked out over school ending and losing all my favorite teachers, my rigid daily timetables and deadlines because these fixed schedules provided comfort and predictability while I was tearing apart at the seams from the weight of everything that’s happened in my life recently. Our summer break lasts 10 weeks and I’m on my last week now before school starts back up again. I shut out the world, reduced my exposure to social media and spent more time learning about myself and trying to understand who I am and where I want to go. Maybe the reason my trans-man identity began to unravel is because my dysphoria was alleviated from transitioning, and combined with the shock of having everything hitting me at once, is what made me understand that my body is perfect just the way it is.. And that’s how I was able to reconcile with being female. I sort of needed to cross that bridge in order to realize where I truly belong.

 I’m now more than 2 months off testosterone and I’m absolutely thrilled to see my body changing back to normal, and so happy to feel normal again emotionally and mentally. I’m certainly a lot more emotional now than I was on T, but that’s not a bad thing at all. It’s like my body instinctively remembers exactly what to do because the onset of fat-redistribution and other changes began a lot sooner than expected. As soon as testosterone fucked off, my estrogen was like “AW YEAH WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS! GOTTA GO FAST!!”. I’m still waiting for my monthly to return, I’m hoping it’s right around the corner now - I just want everything to go back to its healthy, natural, normal self again. I know it’s extremely unlikely I’ll see any breast regrowth, but I had peri and I *technically* need a revision due to the amount of fat/breast tissue left in there - I know I prolly wont have any regrowth but a bitch can hope at least lol. My family and I see a clear and noticeable difference in my appearance, like, they kept bringing it up saying how fresh and beautiful I look now - so I just straight up told em “Aye thanks! I quit T, lol”. 

I decided to stop giving a shit what people say when I dress or act girly, I need to do this for me. I’m planning to have laser hair removal done as soon as I have the money for it. After that, I’m going to start saving up for vocal feminization surgery. I’ve found two surgeons whose patients seem satisfied and show very promising results. I know a lot of people are againt VFS, but this is something I plan on doing wayyy down the line, if at all. I first need to save up money, book a consultation, find a suitable time, wait for covid to die down, etc. etc. etc. I have plenty of time to do voice training, and if I decide to opt out of VFS then that’s fine too. 

I changed my legal name back to my old name on friday. I was alone at the beach, just feeling so content and happy - so I pulled up my phone and filled out the online form right then and there. The change should go through within a week. Feels good. I never changed my legal gender to begin with since I’m a lazy shit so no worries there. 

The most important lesson I’ve learned from all of this is that I need to take this slowly. It may sound like I’m rushing things but I’m really not. I’m going to give this several years. I just have to do things at my own pace and take my time. There’s no need to hurry, that’s how I ended up in this situation to begin with. The end goal is to feel at home in my body and love myself, there is no finish line when it comes to transitioning - I wish I’d known that sooner.

#detransition #detrans #detrans woman #ftmtf

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I've done it, I reached out to a trans resource center that supports trans people and detransitioners alike. I poured my heart out in an email to them, now we wait and see what they say.

Everything will be okay

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im sad🌺

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Happy Birthday to me

22 years of existential dread!

Honestly I had such a nice day, I went shopping and got myself two new t-shirts, a headband and some pretty earrings! I’m getting my ears pierced tomorrow.I spoke with my grandma on the phone and I told her I was struggling to come to terms with the idea of not being able to breastfeed in the future and she honestly calmed me down so much. She told me how my mom was born so early she had to be in an incubator for months and by the time they brought her home, my grandma had stopped lactating so they used donor milk and formula instead. I also told her that I quit T and that I don’t care about being a guy or girl anymore, I’m just doing my own thing being androgynous. She’s so supportive, she doesn’t think it’s weird that my voice is so low while I look so feminine - I love how she just appreciates uniqueness. Getting that reassurance from her gave me the confidence to tell my boyfriend some of the things I’ve been feeling lately, and he wasn’t bothered by it either. It’s funny.. I obsess over it so much while trying to hide it, but other’s just think “oh okay. cool!”

I have to stop obsessing over it and just be myself instead, no more secrets and no more shame. I have nothing to lose from being honest with people.

It’s also time to realize that my detransition could be a lot worse. All I have to do is let my hormones stabilize and work their magic, have a little bit of laser on my face, and practice my voice training everyday. The only thing I truly have to work on is my voice and that’s only one thing. I can do that one thing! :) If I put the same amount of dedication and commitment into detransition as I did when I was transitioning the first time, then I will surely make it. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

Message to self: Remember that there is no right or wrong way to be YOU. Rock your voice, love yourself and remember that your body does not define you.

You are loved, unique, not damaged. Allow yourself to reach out and speak your truth, there is no shame in honesty.

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4. August 2020

My transition brought me so much relief but I do have mixed feelings about it and I think that's okay. It's easy to forget how many changes we go through when we medically transition. Your body and mind change rapidly, and just a couple years later you have top surgery. That's an astronomical change in a very very short period of time. Although I love my results, I haven't had time to process the full depth of everything. Not a lot of people talk about this, but for some people top surgery can be bittersweet. This is a major, invasive surgery; I have sacrificed the ability to breastfeed my future baby, I have permanently and irreversibly removed something from my body that had a function and a purpose. It's okay to grieve. It truly is a sense of loss for me, not a loss of femininity but loss of a part of my anatomy. Additionally, I've had long lasting, recurring complications and at this point I just want it all to be over. For the first time since my surgery, I've had enough peace and quiet around me to truly begin to emotionally heal from this. I think the true weight of my entire transition, all of these changes, finally hit me just as the burden of gender dysphoria was being lifted off my shoulders. I still don't believe that transitioning was a mistake, I actually think it bought me enough time to grow as a person and finally reconcile with being female. Not as in "I was always a woman" but more like "I am ready to become a woman". With my dysphoria out of the way and with this newfound sense of self, I finally was able to let go and embrace womanhood.

I'm going back for two more follow up appointments at the hospital in September and november. I spent so much time proving to them that I am trans, reassuring them that I knew what I was doing - I'm almost ashamed to go back there and tell them I'm detransitioning after all of this but I really need to tell them because they might be able to help me or offer some advice. I don't know how to tell my family.

I feel so alone, I need a support system but I don't know how or where to reach out.

Dear self: Breathe. Go to sleep. Tomorrow is a bright, new day☀️🌺

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Breasts??

I've had top surgery (Peri) and my results work in my favor since I have an androgynous looking chest now. My surgeon did not do any liposuction, and as is often the case with peri; my chest is not flat and still retained a breast-like shape/appearance. It's masculine enough to be male passing at a beach, yet feminine enough to pass as very small breasts (I suppose it depends on how I present)

So the real question is:

Bra or nah??

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Name-change pt. 2

Alright! I came up with some ideas for new names in my last post, because I know it’s going to be difficult for some people to switch name and pronouns, again. So I went ahead and checked out the rules in my country and I may only change my name once every 10 years; with a few exceptions. One such exception is if you change your name, you are still allowed to switch back to your old name. 

I was kind of leaning toward my birth-name anyway so it doesn’t really matter. I’ll give this some time and really consider what I want to do before I go ahead make it official.

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Name change??

I'm thinking about changing my name somewhere down the line and I'm stuck between these four options:

My birth name:

Pros: It's Norwegian. It's cute. It's my own. My family would probably have an easier time adapting to the name change since it was my name for the first 17 years of my life. Cons: my youngest siblings and other people who have always known me as male/Jake will probably find it more difficult to use my birth name.

Jae:

Pros: It's unisex. It's short for both Jane (and a number of other female names) and Jake (because Jae is a variant of the name Jay, short for Jake). I can pass it off as a casual nickname, and then later when my detransition becomes more obvious I can be like "oh yeah no its not "Jay", it's "Jae" which is actually short for Jane lol". It sounds almost identical to my current name, it takes very little effort to adapt to it since you're essentially just getting rid of 1 letter. Cons: It sounds very masculine, even if it's not.

Jane:

Pros: Again, almost identical to my current name, except you just replace the "K" with an "N". It's unmistakably feminine. It would be easier for people who know me as Jake to use this name since the change is very subtle and lowkey. Cons: It's English, I don't mind but it would be nice to have a name that reflects my nationality.

Jeanette:

Pros: It's my former middle name. It sounds similar to Jake if I pronounce it in English. It's part of my birth name, but not too far off from my current name (My birth-first name sounds absolutely nothing like my current name.) Cons: The change would be less subtle than Jane or Jae. I may as well just use my whole birth name, because when you pronounce Jeanette in Norwegian it sounds nothing like Jake (in Norwegian its pronounced "Shanett").

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Bless this post, I couldn't agree more ❤️

How to support detransitioners and desisters

There is a general dislike of detransitioners and desisters amongst the LGBTQ+ community that has made detrans people even more vulnerable than we already are. 

From working with and listening to other detrans people over the months, I have seen how they were ostracised and their experiences disregarded by people who once supported them when they were living as trans. I did not experience this, which has given me the clarity to try and aid in rebuilding the bridges between our communities.

As this has only resulted in more and more detrans people becoming vulnerable to indoctrination by the Gender Critical ideologist movement because our struggles conflict with the accepted blanket narrative of trans identity and life. 

So, how do you support people who have or are detransitioning or desisting?

Listen to Detransitioners even if their story and experience makes you feel insecure in your own. 

Accept that being trans can be a temporary state for some people because gender can be fluid and someone who was once trans may become not trans (or vise versa) and that’s okay. 

Accept that their are flaws in the process of transition that can hurt vulnerable neurodivergent people whose gender dysphoria has been caused by something not linked to being trans. 

Help end Transmedicalist Ideology that pushes young people who are experiencing a faze of being trans or misidentified their root cause for dysphoria into trying to transition medically as fast as possible.

Promote the validity of  people who don’t / cant medically transition to help in cultivating the former point. 

Accept trans people who don’t ‘pass’ as passing is an arbitrary idea based in shallow values of worth being determined by ‘’’’beauty’’’’ and also pushes people to try and transition as early in their life as possible. 

Always show compassion and kindness even to detrans people who you don’t like or have been pulled into Gender Critical ideology.

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listen to his angry little footsteps omg